Went to first meeting, cried, now confused with Hubby?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Perth, Australia
Posts: 11
Went to first meeting, cried, now confused with Hubby?
The first AA meeting for me went well. Everyone was lovely which of course set of my tears even more *sigh*. Anyway listening to the stories blew me away. They were all so familiar. All the problems, the feeling of anxiety, shame, and then not being able to stop drinking again. I'm not alone, that was what I really took with me.
So when I got home Hubby rings asking how it went. I said it was great and really helped me get my head into a good space. Now this is where it gets tricky for me. My husband told me to sort myself out as he said his wife was disappearing every night and being replaced with an unpleasant drunk. Thats why I called AA's helpline last night.
Now when I mentioned the alcoholic part he denied it. Said I just have a habit. Said to wait till he gets home from work, have one wine and then one vodka only. I will have to show him how I don't want two bloody drinks, I want the whole bottle of wine and the two vodkas.
Thing is I'm going to go cold turkey and keep attending meetings. I'm just a bit confused at his response is all?
So when I got home Hubby rings asking how it went. I said it was great and really helped me get my head into a good space. Now this is where it gets tricky for me. My husband told me to sort myself out as he said his wife was disappearing every night and being replaced with an unpleasant drunk. Thats why I called AA's helpline last night.
Now when I mentioned the alcoholic part he denied it. Said I just have a habit. Said to wait till he gets home from work, have one wine and then one vodka only. I will have to show him how I don't want two bloody drinks, I want the whole bottle of wine and the two vodkas.
Thing is I'm going to go cold turkey and keep attending meetings. I'm just a bit confused at his response is all?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,355
It's really hard for non alcoholics to understand I think, but then again he really doesn't have to understand, we do.
My family didn't understand either but they saw the changes in me and they supported that.
As long as he supports you in your recovery that's the main thing
D
My family didn't understand either but they saw the changes in me and they supported that.
As long as he supports you in your recovery that's the main thing
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 3,937
Good for you!
A lot of people just don't get it. They have never experienced what we have.
Many people have a fixed image of what an alcoholic is and you may not fit your husbands idea of what an alcoholic is. Maybe take him to an open meeting.
A lot of people just don't get it. They have never experienced what we have.
Many people have a fixed image of what an alcoholic is and you may not fit your husbands idea of what an alcoholic is. Maybe take him to an open meeting.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa
Posts: 1,371
Originally Posted by Edcat 
The first AA meeting for me went well. Everyone was lovely which of course set of my tears even more *sigh*. Anyway listening to the stories blew me away. They were all so familiar. All the problems, the feeling of anxiety, shame, and then not being able to stop drinking again. I'm not alone, that was what I really took with me.
So when I got home Hubby rings asking how it went. I said it was great and really helped me get my head into a good space. Now this is where it gets tricky for me. My husband told me to sort myself out as he said his wife was disappearing every night and being replaced with an unpleasant drunk. Thats why I called AA's helpline last night.
Now when I mentioned the alcoholic part he denied it. Said I just have a habit. Said to wait till he gets home from work, have one wine and then one vodka only. I will have to show him how I don't want two bloody drinks, I want the whole bottle of wine and the two vodkas.
Thing is I'm going to go cold turkey and keep attending meetings. I'm just a bit confused at his response is all?
So when I got home Hubby rings asking how it went. I said it was great and really helped me get my head into a good space. Now this is where it gets tricky for me. My husband told me to sort myself out as he said his wife was disappearing every night and being replaced with an unpleasant drunk. Thats why I called AA's helpline last night.
Now when I mentioned the alcoholic part he denied it. Said I just have a habit. Said to wait till he gets home from work, have one wine and then one vodka only. I will have to show him how I don't want two bloody drinks, I want the whole bottle of wine and the two vodkas.
Thing is I'm going to go cold turkey and keep attending meetings. I'm just a bit confused at his response is all?
I am glad you want to make the change and embrace sobriety.
I would not advise cold turkey though without seeing your doctor. It can be a very dangerous thing.
Be strong and be safe.
Cheers
ZAB
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
EdCat, I'm glad you're with us on SR! Congrats on your first meeting and I'm glad it went well. Did you get a copy of the Big Book? If not, see about getting one as soon as you can. its helpful.
You might be interested in reading some of the other books on recovery. It's such a tricky thing and so hard to make sense of and understand. You might check out "The Recovery Book" from Hazelton, I think. It's a. OG old thick book but has lots of great information. Maybe your husband might find it helpful too. It's so baffling for those who love us but have no actual experience with alcoholism to "get" it. It's hard enough for us to understand why we just can't snap out of it and get a grip!
I hope you'll read around on SR and get to know us. There's so much great information here. You're among friends!
Love from Lenina
You might be interested in reading some of the other books on recovery. It's such a tricky thing and so hard to make sense of and understand. You might check out "The Recovery Book" from Hazelton, I think. It's a. OG old thick book but has lots of great information. Maybe your husband might find it helpful too. It's so baffling for those who love us but have no actual experience with alcoholism to "get" it. It's hard enough for us to understand why we just can't snap out of it and get a grip!
I hope you'll read around on SR and get to know us. There's so much great information here. You're among friends!
Love from Lenina
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Perth, Australia
Posts: 11
Thank you guys. Must say this is one club I never wanted to join but love that it is a supportive one.
ZAB I will take your advice and go see my Doctor tomorrow morning and Lenina I was given a small version of the Big Book. Which someone kindly pointed out I start reading at 4pm as that is my wine time (I meant WAS my wine time!).
ZAB I will take your advice and go see my Doctor tomorrow morning and Lenina I was given a small version of the Big Book. Which someone kindly pointed out I start reading at 4pm as that is my wine time (I meant WAS my wine time!).
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi and good for you.
Before going to my first meeting I truly didn’t know what I didn’t know and it took me too long to learn, accept and take action to start to get “it” together. I was undisciplined and a very slow learner. In fact when attending a Beginners meeting during my first few weeks I said I had read the BB in the last week. The response was “good, now study it!”
Going to a lot of meetings are so helpful we don’t appreciate it for awhile, where else can the spoken word cause so many head bobs with identification?
A couple words that ended up being so important to me were KEEP COMING. I still do many years later.
BE WELL
Before going to my first meeting I truly didn’t know what I didn’t know and it took me too long to learn, accept and take action to start to get “it” together. I was undisciplined and a very slow learner. In fact when attending a Beginners meeting during my first few weeks I said I had read the BB in the last week. The response was “good, now study it!”
Going to a lot of meetings are so helpful we don’t appreciate it for awhile, where else can the spoken word cause so many head bobs with identification?
A couple words that ended up being so important to me were KEEP COMING. I still do many years later.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Have him read the Doctors Opinion in the BB. If it is not in your little BB then you an find it online. It describes the alcoholic.
Change is as scary for him as it is for you. You can also suggest he attend Al-Anon or least look into some of their literature.
Change is as scary for him as it is for you. You can also suggest he attend Al-Anon or least look into some of their literature.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa
Posts: 1,371
Originally Posted by Edcat
Thank you guys. Must say this is one club I never wanted to join but love that it is a supportive one.
ZAB I will take your advice and go see my Doctor tomorrow morning and Lenina I was given a small version of the Big Book. Which someone kindly pointed out I start reading at 4pm as that is my wine time (I meant WAS my wine time!).
ZAB I will take your advice and go see my Doctor tomorrow morning and Lenina I was given a small version of the Big Book. Which someone kindly pointed out I start reading at 4pm as that is my wine time (I meant WAS my wine time!).
I have a thread running here on this forum 2 days in (48 hours). It describes the physical etc of detoxing. Read it and be very scared. I kid you not with cold turkey. It is quite possible to die from it. I did not know this upfront and only found out after. I would never ever attempt what I did again without a medical checkout. It is probably the fear of that which keeps me from drinking.
I think it is normal for your SO not to see the worst in you. I think you should sit him down when you have a moment between you and explain to him exactly how you feel about booze and why you feel that way. I can promise you 99% of the time, the SO will come round to your side and be most supportive of your intentions.
Be strong and be safe.
Cheers
ZAB
Adventurer
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Tuxedo Park, NY
Posts: 1,101
When I first stopped drinking my wife who is supportive also would ask "how long and when can you drink again" blah blah.. I would always say not for the foreseeable future. She hasn't asked in over a month now so I think she gets the idea now.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Anchorage Alaska
Posts: 39
When I tried to quit last year my wife also didn't think I had a problem, just that I needed to cut back. I wasn't firm with how I really felt about it and that right there I think set me up for the relapse I had 55 days in. It only took 8 months later to really break down and ask her for her support, that I was truly an alcoholic and there was no grey line. It was quit or die young. Her love and true support has helped me tremendously.
Welcome to the forum!
Welcome to the forum!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Californial
Posts: 7
I'm new and this is my first post. After nearly 7 years of sobriety (I was only a dry drunk I recently learned) I had my first lapse. This August it will have been 2 years since that time and I'm having lots of trouble sticking with it this time. I have 98 days now, am kind of working the Steps. My main issue is that my husband still drinks to excess with friends a few times a month and it's extremely hard for me. I want to be happy with being an alcoholic but right now I just hate it. I'm sad, confused about my future and really feel almost hopeless that I will ever be able to feel normal and not left out and jealous. Thanks for listening!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: North Yorkshire
Posts: 122
Hi Nurse04
Welcome to SR, you have come to the right place. I was a dry drunk on and off for 20 years, I have been sober this time almost a year and I am taking it a day at a time.
My husband drinks every night, it is not easy but it also shows me the life I don't want. Unlike me he is not an alcoholic but still drinks most nights.
There is a lot of great times ahead of you so plan something to do on your husbands drinking nights. Keeping working the steps. Be strong. Keep coming here.
Welcome to SR, you have come to the right place. I was a dry drunk on and off for 20 years, I have been sober this time almost a year and I am taking it a day at a time.
My husband drinks every night, it is not easy but it also shows me the life I don't want. Unlike me he is not an alcoholic but still drinks most nights.
There is a lot of great times ahead of you so plan something to do on your husbands drinking nights. Keeping working the steps. Be strong. Keep coming here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Californial
Posts: 7
Thank you Rachel. I'm so glad to have found this site and I'm looking forward to feeling more hopeful soon. Congrats to you and your year, I can't believe you lapsed after 20 years. Just shows how vulnerable we can always be if we don't keep ourselves in order. Thanks again for responding and have a great day!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,521
I'm glad the meeting went well Edcat. I was very relieved when I knew I was no longer alone - it's impossible to explain to normal drinkers what we go through. The support & encouragement is so important.
Nurse04 - Great to meet you also - happy you joined us.
Nurse04 - Great to meet you also - happy you joined us.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
EdCat,
You've gotten some very good advice. If he is amenable take him to a meeting and ask that the topic be hitting bottom. Alcoholism is progressive and for some, the bottom is death by alcohol. We each have hit our bottom, saw it coming, or waited to do something until well past it.
Once your husband, who has not seen a gutter crawling drunkard in you, understands that every alcoholic has their bottom, just ask him where he would prefer yours to be?
I was not a gutter crawler either. Nor did I hide my alcoholism once I decided to quit it. It seems funny now but as soon as I dropped my denial and started to do something about it, everyone else who cared about me picked it up and went into worse denial than I ever had!
Look on the bright side, some have a bottom so low that their friends and family try to help and are ill equipped for it regardless of the TV shows about interventions. I haven't had one nor do I think one would work for me. I hated the stuff long before I quit. No one needed to tell me I was in trouble because I saw the slow suicide I was committing. And I'm not suicidal!
See if you can get him to understand about hitting bottom, and to be grateful yours is so high.
You've gotten some very good advice. If he is amenable take him to a meeting and ask that the topic be hitting bottom. Alcoholism is progressive and for some, the bottom is death by alcohol. We each have hit our bottom, saw it coming, or waited to do something until well past it.
Once your husband, who has not seen a gutter crawling drunkard in you, understands that every alcoholic has their bottom, just ask him where he would prefer yours to be?
I was not a gutter crawler either. Nor did I hide my alcoholism once I decided to quit it. It seems funny now but as soon as I dropped my denial and started to do something about it, everyone else who cared about me picked it up and went into worse denial than I ever had!
Look on the bright side, some have a bottom so low that their friends and family try to help and are ill equipped for it regardless of the TV shows about interventions. I haven't had one nor do I think one would work for me. I hated the stuff long before I quit. No one needed to tell me I was in trouble because I saw the slow suicide I was committing. And I'm not suicidal!
See if you can get him to understand about hitting bottom, and to be grateful yours is so high.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 8,334
I'm glad to hear the meeting went well. SR used to have a thread on books, not sure where it is now, but it had great book suggestions . I found it helpful to read other's accounts of their drinking when I was in early sobriety.
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