Update on ex who wants to make amends: my instincts (and yours) were right
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Update on ex who wants to make amends: my instincts (and yours) were right
Thank you so much to those of you who offered advice about the ex who wanted to meet to make amends. I ended up emailing him with a version of what LBrain suggested: That I was glad to hear he was in recovery, that I appreciated him wanting to make amends, but that I did not need to meet and that I wished him the best.
Guess what? I got an excoriating email back from him about my selfishness and about how alone he feels right now and in need of support. Apparently, he got a DUI and has no family or friends who will help him (and by help, I imagine he might mean financial as well as emotional given the economics of our relationship in the past). A colleague who has worked the steps said that such a response suggest he may be in AA but he isn't "in it." Maybe he is there due to the DUI, who knows?
Needless to say, I deleted the email, with no plans to respond. But I'm left feeling sad and icky. I know that I should just count my blessings that I'm in such a different place now, but it is crazy how fast we can return to that place in the past that shadows us with shame and regret.
Guess what? I got an excoriating email back from him about my selfishness and about how alone he feels right now and in need of support. Apparently, he got a DUI and has no family or friends who will help him (and by help, I imagine he might mean financial as well as emotional given the economics of our relationship in the past). A colleague who has worked the steps said that such a response suggest he may be in AA but he isn't "in it." Maybe he is there due to the DUI, who knows?
Needless to say, I deleted the email, with no plans to respond. But I'm left feeling sad and icky. I know that I should just count my blessings that I'm in such a different place now, but it is crazy how fast we can return to that place in the past that shadows us with shame and regret.
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Thanks for your kind words, all of you.
I think part of what I'm grappling with is the realization that, when I was drinking, I tolerated the kind of relationship that would never be tolerated by me today, perhaps in part because it made me feel, subconsciously, more functional. Yes, I had issues, but they paled in comparison.
I thank the stars and the moon that I somehow ended up with my current partner, who is the antithesis of this abusive baboon. But I still feel a lot of shame that I allowed myself to be in that kind of relationship. I know a lot of that has to do with my childhood, but it still feels painful.
I think part of what I'm grappling with is the realization that, when I was drinking, I tolerated the kind of relationship that would never be tolerated by me today, perhaps in part because it made me feel, subconsciously, more functional. Yes, I had issues, but they paled in comparison.
I thank the stars and the moon that I somehow ended up with my current partner, who is the antithesis of this abusive baboon. But I still feel a lot of shame that I allowed myself to be in that kind of relationship. I know a lot of that has to do with my childhood, but it still feels painful.
Hey Matilda. Good for you. Self-preservation since stopping the drinking has been essential for being able to look at myself squarely and honestly. This is your process, life and experience. Good for you.
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Matilda:
Do not feel shame because of the past. All those experiences made you the amazing person that you are now and they made you learn what to look for in a man and you have found it. Taught you what you want and what you deserve. I am so proud of you for dealing with the situation with grace and class.
Do not feel shame because of the past. All those experiences made you the amazing person that you are now and they made you learn what to look for in a man and you have found it. Taught you what you want and what you deserve. I am so proud of you for dealing with the situation with grace and class.
People " around" AA - ones there for the wrong motives and/ or don't understand the steps- will respond like that.
I have a feeling that in your relationship with him he did a lot of blaming- pointing the finger at you. Which would lead me to believe that's why yer feeling the way ya do.
You have nothing to be shameful or regret. You didn't force a drink down his throat or cause him to get in the predicament he's in. That's all on his shoulders.
And ya can't cure him either. That's also on his shoulders.
I have a feeling that in your relationship with him he did a lot of blaming- pointing the finger at you. Which would lead me to believe that's why yer feeling the way ya do.
You have nothing to be shameful or regret. You didn't force a drink down his throat or cause him to get in the predicament he's in. That's all on his shoulders.
And ya can't cure him either. That's also on his shoulders.
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You are right: it definitely adds up!
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Join Date: Oct 2014
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People " around" AA - ones there for the wrong motives and/ or don't understand the steps- will respond like that.
I have a feeling that in your relationship with him he did a lot of blaming- pointing the finger at you. Which would lead me to believe that's why yer feeling the way ya do.
I have a feeling that in your relationship with him he did a lot of blaming- pointing the finger at you. Which would lead me to believe that's why yer feeling the way ya do.
I think part of what has this whole situation lingering for me is that I come from a family with terrible boundaries and my mother, I hate to say it, is rather cruel. But this morning, I woke up to see my lovely partner lying next to me. He is an amazing man. I remember when we first started dating, he overheard my mother say something hurtful to me. He quietly took her aside and said very calmly, "Mrs. X, I love your daughter very much. I don't want to hear you say something like that to her again." My mom was gobsmacked. And I was so moved--I never had felt like someone had my back. Funny enough, from that moment, my mom could not stop talking about what a fantastic person my partner is. No one (or very few) had drawn a boundary like that and she seemed to respect it.
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