Edcat

Hi.
Yesterday morning I woke up with a bad feeling. I once again couldn't remember going to bed. But I just knew something bad had happened. When I came downstairs there was salt all over my chair. Which meant I'd spilled wine on it. My Husband was at work and when I hadn't heard from him by 4pm I knew I'd once again done something to **** him off and I must have very drunk.
When he did ring he proceeded to tell me I was once again very drunk, I became argumentative and spilled my wine over the chair and wouldn't clean it up so he placed the salt on it. I apologised and said I'd not eaten any dinner. Nope that didn't cut it with him. He very clearly outlined to me that this has been happening every night for too long. He said he is worried. He never said I had to stop.
I feel extremely ashamed. I have known for about 10 years now that I'm a slave to the bottle, but kept saying I have it under control. I don't. My life revolves around waiting till 4pm when I can have my first drink.
I made a decision last night and rang the AA help line. Spoke to a lovely lady and am going to a meeting today at 11am.
Texted my husband last night to apologise and told him of my decision to go to AA. When he came home he said he will support me and we will get through this.
Why can't I stop crying? Since last night when i made the decision to ring AA I just can't stop crying. Not big sobs just leaking eyes.
I look forward to reading everyones stories and finding strength on this forum.

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I think acceptance is the beginning of the process and it sounds like you are ready to stop drinking.

It's a very emotional time, so it's not surprising that tears are flowing. I think I cried on and off for a week or so.

We do understand how hard this is.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Edcat!!

Hereandnow2

Edcat. I cried every day for about the first three months! At 10 I still cry at many aa meetings. I get overcome with emotion. Gratitude for sobriety, guilt, pain, excitement! It's like you are raw with nothing to dull your emotions.

Edcat

Well I better take a giant box of tissues then because I can't imagine my tears stopping anytime soon. I going to be mortified crying in front of strangers. Something I just don't do. Oh well sounds like today is going to be one of a few 'firsts'.

LexieCat

Hey there, welcome!

I'll tell you the very BEST thing I ever heard at my first AA meeting--you NEVER have to feel this way again.

And you know what? That was six and a half years ago, and they were right. I never did.

And don't worry about crying at the meeting. We are used to crying when people are new. My bet is that after the meeting you will feel a LOT better. Get lots of phone numbers (from other ladies--the women stick together in AA).

Soberwolf

Hello & welcome Edcat

Gonnachange

Welcome to SR.

Mark1014

It may sound odd to congratulate you just now, but that's the first thing that came to my mind. I experienced much the same as you and that raw point in my life became the starting point of a journey that has afforded more change than I would have ever imagined just six months ago. It won't be easy. Living like you have been isn't either though is it? You're seem to be ready....it's gonna work out. Wishing you the best.

Nowsthetime

Let it all out. You are beginning to heal.

Welcome to the fam.

Hevyn

Great to have you with us Edcat - SR will help see you through. You're never alone.

Please let us know how the meeting goes.

Pondlady

We reach a point where drinking isn't fun anymore, it's a necessity and we do and say things, we're ashamed of. Sounds like you're ready , let us know how the meeting goes.

Edcat

Thank you all for your kind words. Have showered and getting ready to go to my first meeting. The tears have slowed for now. Have packed a large suitcase with tissues to take with me as I have a feeling I will start leaking again. I will post how the meeting goes. So glad I found this website

TiredOfWaiting0

Oh Edcat, I'm going through the same thing! Its easier for me to tell someone else that that the tears are us just finally accepting we have a problem and knowing we are going to change it. I think its tears of remorse, guilt, "why haven't we realized sooner", fear of the unknown, excitement for the journey, emptiness of letting go of the past and your habits... I'm not an emotional basketcase either, but I've been crying too!

I haven't gone to an AA meeting, but I am about to seek counselling. Please let us all know how the meeting goes!

fini

way to go, Edcat.
yes, many firsts ahead if you keep going.
do

TiredOfWaiting0

you can predict your future once you overcome the past!

Hereandnow2

Thinking of you now and sending you love and support!

strategery

Welcome Edcat! I think you're overwhelmed with what all is going on in terms of what happened, your husband expressing his concern, and coming to the realization that you need to get sober (anxiety and relief mixed in). I'm glad you're here.

Verte

Welcome to SR, Edcat. What I feel for you is immense relief. Your post reminds me of that time - the one where I looked in the mirror at myself and truly saw myself. How did I get there? Who's fault is it? Why? Who's to blame? Where's the love? WTF? All these questions that I thought were primary were actually not. I just had to get to that point. The one where I knew I had to stop drinking. And start healing; whatever that meant I had not a clue. I came here to SR and learned that it is possible and I could do it.

You are in a great place. Uhhhh. Sigh. Exhale.

JaneLane

Welcome,

How did your meeting go? The crying is really cathartic for me. It feels like acceptance of where I've been, what I've done, where I am and where I want to go. It's great that you have support too and that you're being honest.

I cried throughout my first AA meeting and have since! It's a safe place, no judgment and just support :-)