ajarlson

Well, the dinner happened with dad - after 37 years. Yeah it was awkward, my fiance saved the day with his expertise in small talk. Every time I brought up something from the past Dad got visibly uncomfortable unless it was about his family, he told me a lot about his brothers and sister which was good. Nothing about why he hasn't contacted me in 37 years although he did ask why and how I contacted HIM LOL. I suspect his wife was behind the dinner, she kept saying little things that made me believe she wasn't happy he left me behind and thinks he should do something to make up for it. Too little too late, and they showed no desire to get together with me the next day even though they were in town for 2 more days. Feel good about it though, minimal anxiety, minimal expectations. And I realize now why his visits were so awkward when I was growing up, always thought it was me - nope. He's always been awkward around me and I realized that as soon we were done and I was assessing the evening. Oh well. Loop closed.

happybeingme

Wow. I am so glad you did this and you are feeling ok. Some men just aren't in touch with their feelings and back then I don't think men thought being a father required more than paying support. I am sorry it was short and awkward though. But 37 years is a long time.

ajarlson

Yeah, looking at his Facebook account the kids he had with his second wife seem to love him very much. Of course I know nothing is as it appears through the window. But he's still with the wife after 37 years and their kids (adults) seem well adjusted, well traveled, one is living in New Zealand as a bio-engineer. So it seems they did well enough by them. I may never know why he avoided me - and I have to be ok with that.

Kialua

Wow great take on the whole situation. That is very mature and shows real growth. It is his problem, not that it didn't hurt you. But you can't make someone be nice and be normal.

My dad also had two families, right in my own foo at home while growing up. He had my two sisters that were his favorites and treated them wonderful right in front of the rest of us. They were taught that we four siblings were bad and had to be beat mercilessly every day but the two of them were good and didn't need to be beat. Yeah right. To this day as aging adults they still believe that we were just dumb and didn't know how to not get caught. Of course assigning fault to us, which was not the case at all. They think of him as a wonderful loving father.

So it is very possible this man has two sides of him and you got the bad side. So glad you found peace and can put this behind you somehow. Good luck.

seasaw

Hey, I just saw this thread! I'm out of town. Big hugs to you, that's quite a moment you had there. Sounds like you're doing well, considering what he did and didn't do. I hope you're taking care of your heart and allowing yourself to feel any anger and hurt you have still - I know it's been decades, but don't think that doesn't mean you're not allowed! Sounds like your fiancé was a good support

ajarlson

Thanks, it would have been quite awkward without my fiance there for sure. It was interesting, I went into the meeting a little nervous but it was like, once he sat down and I started remembering him that faded. And then I realized I had been done with him for years already (emotionally) so this was just closure. Good closure for me, not so sure about him LOL

DoubleDragons

You sound so emotionally healthy, AJ. I am proud of you. I imagine it feels good to have total closure.