Guilt
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,552
Guilt
I'm having minor issues with guilt over past relationships. I think it's because I have been steadily becoming more unhappy with my own. My significant other has done so much for me and my daughter, and there is this growing distance between us because of my evolution in sobriety. He drinks everyday and has NO libido or emotions because of it. It hurts me that I'm not receiving attention or love, physically and emotionally. I stalk exes on Facebook and become envious of their new lives with new girlfriends, wives, whatever. Most of them, I feel guilt. I trashed their hearts and their lives because I dated them during active alcoholism/addiction. I lied, cheated, verbally abused these poor men. They are all happy and content in their pictures while I sit here in my not so happy situation and watch. I had to get this off my chest. I'm starting to feel restless in this relationship and I believe this is something I need to fix in ME. When I'm unhappy, I leave. I move, I start a new relationship...whatever it is the same thing every time. I just want some excitement and attention when I come home. I come home to a passed out snoring mess that can't even wash himself after a long days work. This was good for me when I was actively drinking. I found someone worse than me. God help me.
Jennifer
Jennifer
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Ah, Jennifer, I'm sorry you're in this spot.
You said a couple of interesting things. You said, When I'm unhappy, I leave. I move, I start a new relationship...whatever it is the same thing every time." Yes, I experienced that too, with friends more than boyfriends. When you keep leaving, and looking elsewhere for the same thing, you find the same thing. We have to change ourselves and sometimes we have to dig in and work on the relationship we're in.
However, in your case, I think you definitely deserve much more than you have. It's not surprising that you feel this way in recovery because there is so much change involved, but I'm sure it saddens you.
You said a couple of interesting things. You said, When I'm unhappy, I leave. I move, I start a new relationship...whatever it is the same thing every time." Yes, I experienced that too, with friends more than boyfriends. When you keep leaving, and looking elsewhere for the same thing, you find the same thing. We have to change ourselves and sometimes we have to dig in and work on the relationship we're in.
However, in your case, I think you definitely deserve much more than you have. It's not surprising that you feel this way in recovery because there is so much change involved, but I'm sure it saddens you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,552
Thanks for responding. I try to look at it this way. It wouldn't be smart to start a new relationship this early in my recovery either so I have to keep doing me and hopefully somewhere down the road I will get some answers. It's just so friggin lonely sometimes. And irritating. I will have to make a decision at some point, is this worth saving? As for my exes, I am happy for them. I feel very bad for what I did to them. I'm glad they were able to pick up the pieces Jen left of them and build something new. That amends list is going to suck for me.
Jennifer
Jennifer
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