abitconfused

How does the AH just go on so easily? Is it because they are completely numb and don't feel anything? How is it they can end a marriage or long-term relationship and simply move right along and date somone else while their left one is still trying to breathe. It is so twisted to me.

I wonder how much of this is the addiction or narcissism or both. I know people grieve differently but do they even grieve at all? Does it ever hit them what they have done? The pain they cause others?
UGHHH

SparkleKitty

One of the hardest things I had to learn in recovery was not to compare my insides to anyone else's outsides. We never know what someone else is really feeling or going through inside.

What's important is can you accept that this is who he is? And by "accept" I don't mean lay down and be a doormat. I mean, can you accept that this is a person who deals with relationships and other people's feelings in a way that is twisted and foreign to you, without needing to understand why? You may never know why. But you can know whether or not you want someone who is that way in your life.

abitconfused

That is so perfectly said. The answer is NO...Heck NO. I don't want anyone who treats others like that in my life. That has been the true eye opener for me. I love the support that I get here. It reminds me daily to love myself. Thank you so much!

happybeingme

Unfortunately I know a lot of men and women who go from one long term relationship to another with no break in between. Heck a lot of time they have someone waiting before they even break off the prior relationship. It's like they can never be alone ever. And they don't have drug or alcohol problems. I think the relationships are their drug

searching peace

Codependency at its finest. I have not healed enough not to have a huge fear of being alone. That is one of the traits about codependency. Not sure if this applies to your situation and your A. I just know from my experience that is what we do, go from one long term relationship into another one and somehow find ways to justify it to ourself until we begin to recover and start thinking in a more healthy way. It is more for our fear and comfort level than to hurt another person.

daydreamer0217

Dear confused. I feel the same way. They are off detonating a bomb in someone elses life already. While we are left to sort through the rubble. In the end though. Our foundation will be so much stronger.

Seedpod

I understand your frustration and no, I don't think my xabf understood the damage his alcohol use and freaky personality changes did to the BOTH of us. I so wanted him to realize how bad it really was. Then he would really understand, then he would really choose a different path, because he loves me so very much, right? I find this kind of thinking is something I have to be really, really careful with because it's something that will never happen so it is not worthy of consideration. Accepting that his reality is wildly different from my own helps. He could not put himself in my shoes any more than I could put myself in his.

Duckygirl1

Mine didn't even wait 3 months into rehab before he picked up with another patient. They feel nothing but their urges and immediate gratification. What kills me is his family who practically drowned me in syrup and just knew I was his perfect fit acted like I'd died and welcomed her as the second coming of all things bright and beautiful.

No one said, "aren t you in rehab to get clean and should not be hooking up with equally if not sicker women?" They are apt shopping for when they get out. Are you freaking kidding me? And I am here trying to keep from screaming. Working my program and can't half envision what a date would look like much less talk of living together. Can you say relapse waiting to happen?

Everyday I come here and read and Im starting to really get that it may have sucked how it ended, but my god did I ever dodge a bullet!

Stung

Jumping into another relationship is likely exhilarating, another high. Some addicts abuse any and everything; drugs, alcohol, people and relationships, porn, etc. Addicts do whatever is distracting and "feels good" to avoid anything that feels bad.

I wouldn't say that he's going on easily. This looks like another addiction. Some alcoholics become aware of the damage that they have caused if they ever get sober and start working on their issues, some alcoholics die still actively using all of their vices and many addicts fall somewhere in-between.

RedDog735

This post just resonated with me. My exAbf and I broke things off on March 17th officially but when I looked through his phone (guilty, I know its unhealthy), I saw that he was going on dates with others as early as March 27th. So, a week and some later. At first I thought "HOW COULD HE DO THIS" and now I'm just praying that the dates listen to their red flags, as I wish I could've.

I'm not sure I'll ever have answers- this is hard to accept. What I do know though, is that I cannot do this. I cannot go out on dates to forget the pain that he caused me. I surely could if I was in denial, though. I surely could if I wanted to continue going on with my unhealthy life as it was. But I KNOW that I want the pain to stop and I am choosing recovery and I am choosing to love myself first. I hope you choose the same. Hugs to you during this difficult time. I am struggling myself.
<3

CarmenLove

Hi,

Just to say yes, I have been confounded by the same! He made out I was his life, and he loved me so much, and now a fews weeks later it seems like 'marriage, what marriage?'

It's very odd to me.

CarmenLove

Duckygirl - Oh yes, I know this one.

This i.e. EXACTLY what it was like with his mum and her partner. Like you said they 'drowned me in syrup'. That was his mum to a T.

They went so far as to make a big deal out of 'personally' thanking me for 'opening up' their son. He used to be callous and cold with his mum, and apparently when I came along he become more loving and open with her, even said he loved her, which was unheard of.

Great, I am pleased.

Interesting though that when I opened the whole thing too far and the addiction was exposed, suddenly they don't want to see that bit.

And as soon as I left I became the bad one who was delusional and upset and needed to see a Dr.

The same syrupy mum became hostile and passive aggressive, and then they cut me out completely (although still phoned up to talk syrup to my mum!).

Wow! Just wow.

CarmenLove

Personally I would like to heal a little first before going on any dates. Although I have heard dates can be healing (not relationships and sex though, I am not ready for those yet personally!).

FeelingGreat

I don't think it's an alcoholic thing; I've seen mainly men go from one relationship to another in record time. It's like they can't function on their own.

You on the other hand are willing to take some time to sort out your emotions and learn to live without a partner. You'll benefit from it, while his relationship, likely based on adrenaline will surely fizzle out quickly.

kudzujean

A friend of mine said, don't know where she heard it,

"Women grieve; men replace."

fluffyflea

I think they are pretty oblivious unfortunately.

Duckygirl1

I disagree a bit with you FG. I think this is very indicative of addicts chasing the next high and their self centeredness. Especially those in rehabs as their sex drives come back. The men who post here are very much grieving their wives and girlfriends.

DoubleDragons

I think we have to be honest here that part of our codependency/addiction is being called someones' "savior", having people notice that we "bring out the best out in others". But in the meantime, we did little to focus on ourselves, being our own saviors or working to bring out the best in ourselves, the only people we really have the true ability to change and heal. I know for years, I got a big thrill of being "the wise one", the one people came to for advice, even as I got completely burned out and then upset and resentful when people didn't heed my "wise counsel." Or even worse, they got resentful of me and turned against me and my "high and mightiness." It is a vicious cycle that I am only now starting to understand.

Duckygirl1

One of the things that I dislike about everything and every motive of someone involved with an addict being "Codie" is that it seems like victim blaming and blame shifting which is tact of addicts. Go to the A forum and see how many of them justify their continued behavior because the partner was/is "Codie" . No different than when they blamed the partner for their drinking.

CarmenLove

Oh! This is me too.

Thank you.