Seedpod

He is an alcoholic. A wonderful man, but he just couldn’t deal with life. No job, no car, emotional infidelity, unresolved legal issues and drunken binges in which he became scary and cruel and I became his emotional vomit bag. I did not react well to any of it and became someone I did not like in many ways. I did not feel like me anymore. I was losing respect for myself.

A wonderful man you ask? Really? Yes. I waited decades to finally find a man that I was so compatible with on so many levels--intellectually, spirituality, sexually, commonality of interests, love of nature, humor, shared interests, political and social convictions, all of it was there, everything. He was kind, giving, complimentary, attentive, so incredibly loving and handsome, so easy to love back. He swept me off my feet and I swept him off his. Here I was in my late 40’s and I had finally found my soulmate, the one who I was starting to doubt even existed. I was truly in love for the first time in my life. He was the only man I ever was with that I wanted to marry. I had waited so long for him…

I ignored all the red flags and there were plenty of them. I already had a couple decades of dealing with an alcoholic/addict under my belt before I even met him. I had watched my children’s father progress from being a good guy and a good friend to an alcoholic/drug abuser who was estranged from his children and dead before he reached 50. I knew better than to get involved with this again and yet I did. I spent many happy years raising my little family as a single parent and I did fine. I was and am strong, capable and kind. I dated here and there, but was never willing to settle, I was waiting for “the one”--if he was out there. If not, then I was okay with that. I like being single as much as I like being coupled. I thought of myself as someone who had evolved to the point where I would not make any more bad mate choices. I was happy and content with my life. Then I met him. It was intense and deep and it all happened very quickly. It felt like a homecoming, like nothing I had ever experienced.

Fast forward a few years and I was worn to a nub. Resentful, distant, walls up, breakups and reconciliations, feeling humiliated and used financially, unable to see and work on my own stuff because I was so focused on him. He came to feel more like another child in the family rather than a partner. I finally decided that I was not going to sacrifice my well being on the altar of “true love.” The breakup was drawn out and emotionally draining. He did not want to let go and neither did I. I always had a nugget of hope in the my head that he would make different choices, that he would DO something instead of TALKING about doing something. He never denied his problems, he seemed capable of insight and personal growth, but he did nothing to save himself or us (beyond begging, pleading, blaming and wanting me to figure it out for him) and neither did I. I decided to save me.

I entered therapy (only somewhat helpful) and al anon (which has been helping me see and deal with my role in all of it) and I have been reading here for months. I see my own story over and over--it’s disconcerting and comforting at the same time. I am learning, changing and taking the next right step. I can clearly see my progress even though it often feels like I am “faking it until I make it.” He, however, kept drinking and digging his hole ever deeper. When he figured out that I was really done this time he was off lickedly split into another relationship, which is painful as hell and has added many new layers of grief to what I already have on my plate.

What was real? What wasn’t? I still have so much confusion and pain to work through. Some days are fine, sometimes I still descend into self blame, what ifs and soul searing loss. I know it will pass, I have been through enough stuff in my life to know the other side is always there. But man, I hate the journey sometimes, I really do.

Thanks for listening, I appreciate this community.

Refiner

Thanks for sharing your story, Seedpod. It sounds to me like he's on to his next prey, actually. What was real and what wasn't? I think what ended it was the "real" and the euphoria in the beginning wasn't the "real". I know it hurts now, but please chalk it up to one more experience that will only make you stronger.

CodeJob

Thank you for posting! Welcome to SR!

daydreamer0217

so powerful. I completely know what you are saying. I ask myself that a lot, was any of it real? I am so sorry for the hurt

Duckygirl1

Man, I totally get that "hating the journey". I don't know if I'll ever comes to grips with the surreal nature of my relationship with my ex. I was Alice chasing the white rabbit for sure. I was talking myself off of the anxiety attack ledge the other day, trying not to scream out loud and scare my co workers to death and I actually thought how I envied addicts and their oblivion. Their damnable ability to just check out when it all gets to be a bit much and walk away starting anew and just not give a hoot in hell.

Fear not, I'm not heard to the local crackhouse anytime soon, but this journey is going to take real serious time.

Seedpod

Yes, Ducky, it's the hardest thing I have ever done. He is finally out of my life, I will never see him again, nobody gives me news of him, yet there is still so much to slog through. My life is once again peaceful and free of all that intense drama, I just need to let go of the past and step into it. But it ain't gonna happen in a day, that's for sure.

SadInTX

Seedpod: your story sounds soooo similar to mine. I am with my AH now...still love him and trying to work it out...but I feel like I am the one that is trying to improve, not him. In regards to this new woman he has, in my experience in past relationship people that are that into an addiction and denial they HAVE to be in a relationship...they cannot be alone...that would mean that would need to look at themselves and deal with their issues...it is much easier for them to put the blame on us...or someone else....he put on his charm for this new woman and sucked her in....at least you are working on yourself and getting stronger. He is just going to further his destruction and bring her down with him...try to get all the "great times" out of your mind and write down all the things that you don't miss about him and the relationship...keep writing on here...it is helping me and others...thank you so much for sharing. BTW how did you know you were done? Did something happen or you just one day told him you couldn't be with him any more?

Seedpod

Thank you Refiner, I sometimes don't feel strong enough to deal with all the awful feelings that this relationship left in it's wake. As far as his new GF, who knows what that is. Last time I communicated with him he seemed content to be with her and not me. For a while however, even after he said he was committed to her, he was still sending me love songs and trying to work it out with me, said he was just going for "what was in front of him." It was like he had Plan A and Plan B, whoever was willing to take him on. It was bizarre and he finally quit when I said that I would not make a fool out of myself or this other woman. Why on earth do I miss this man so much?

abitconfused

I am going through the same thing and recently pondered the same question. Why do I miss him so much? Someone gave me some good insight and said maybe it was the fight of holding on that I miss so much; the fight of what could have been. I believe that if you think about what was bad in the relationship, you will see that the most of what you may be missing is the illusion.

Seedpod

Sad, it was cumulative and there was just finally a straw that broke the back of our relationship. The straw was him going out of town and proceeding to go on quite a hell of a bender. The textl attacks began and intensified (he was only blocked from phone calls at that point) He was going to kill the neighbors, he was going to commit suicide by cop, I'm a lousy partner who doesn't know how to make a commitment, blah blah.

His suicide threats had always really rattled me (my father died by his own hand) so I broke down and called him. He did not answer, but then immediately texted and made some casual comment about a birthday party for someone's niece, just acting like all was normal. He got my attention and that's what he wanted, but he used the threat of suicide to do it, knowing that I have been through deep pain in my life because my father's suicide.

I can't be with somebody like that.

abitconfused

NO YOU CAN"T and YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!! Let this be a gift to you. You would have died in that relationship. It is time for you!!!

Cleo1234

WOW... i could of wrote your post.. word for word. The only difference is my ex husband recovered from his meth addiction and is part of my sons life thankfully!.

After i broke it off with my XABF 7 months ago he also got a new gf very soon after. Like someone mentioned, he needs to be in a relationship. They need someone to support them. I'm still healing from this relationship and i have all the same emotions you have. Its crazy to think we would miss any of it, but i get it. Despite our sadness, we are still wayyyyy better off. We no longer have to be afraid of the future. I was always afraid i'd be financially responsible for him when he losses his job ( again!!!). I was always afraid when he left the house to go look around at "Walmart" ... i knew he would come back drunk. I was just always afraid because i knew something else was going to happen soon enough. Its such a relief that all that madness is gone... but i do miss the good times.

Seedpod

Indeed, I do deserve better, this my brain knows and accepts. I also know there are always gifts in adversity. Then my heart starts to whisper about what was good--and there were stretches (a few months, never more) where it really was wonderful. I loved Dr. Jekyll with all my heart. Mr. Hyde? Never will he be in my life again. Unfortunately, package deal. I just really, really want to bring my head and my heart together once and for all.

Thank you all so much for your support, it is appreciated beyond measure!