micgeo

Thank you to anyone who can answer my questions as I am new to this sight.. Setting boundries.. I think I do that already, but just want to be sure how and if I am doing it right.. I am at the point when my AH gets mad, it doesn't phase me.. I love him very much but I am not in love with him any more. He has destroyed me over the years and I am a different person now. When we went to couseling he was agreeing with the therapist saying that he was an alcoholic, but I now realize he was just saying those things so I would go home.. Deep down I knew this, but went back anyway. He wants to continue to drink and If I bring it up??? WOW.. Talk about pressing a button... I just want the freedom to do what I want at this point... If I could only get through to him just a little, not about quitting drinking, but him understanding that if he is going to continue he has no say so in my life... Does this make sense or am I just rambling?? It still baffles me how my AH is so self centered... EXAMPLE: I am a very hard worker and finally got a promotion to AVP. I was so excited and I wanted to tell him so bad.. When I got home I shared the news and his response was "it's just a title change".. I was crushed.. I worked hard for that... I will talk to him about something, and he will always bring it back to something about him... He says I way to much... Is this normal for an alcholic?? Thanks all!!

ArtFriend

Yes, alcoholics are notoriously selfish. Over time they get worse. I am sorry you have to go through this. All you can do is take care of yourself. As Al-Anon says, you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. You must detach (with the help of Al-Anon perhaps).

CodeJob

Hello Micgeo,

Congrats on your promotion!!

Your H wants to wreck any joy you have. Why do you want to stay?

SparkleKitty

It seems to me that the way to get through to him that if he continues drinking he will no say in how you live your life...is to live your life if he continues drinking, without his say.

You can turn yourself inside out trying to get a point across to someone who does not want to change. Or you can take all that time and energy and pour it into your OWN life. You don't need his permission to be happy. But you may not be able to find complete happiness while tied to someone who has no interest in changing.

micgeo

Hi Code Job...

I sometimes ask myself the same question... When he doesn't drink he is alot of fun.. After 14 years of marraige and finally realizing that he is who he is I did shift my paradigm and I do not get upset anymore.. When I want to go out I do and I don't care if it bothers him.. It really bothers him that I have changed, but I had to... Luckily for me our schedules are different so the only time I really have to spend time with him is on the weekends. (if I don't go out)... I do love him just not in love with him... At this point if something were to happen to him (his health is not the best) or I were to leave I DO NOT want to be with anyone.... I guess as of right now it is a convenience thing....

LexieCat

Sounds like you're traveling the path of least resistance, which I understand, but it can still suck your spirit dry.

You don't have to stop loving someone or caring about them to want out of a marriage. I am still very good friends with my first husband (sober 35 years), but I left because I was unhappy in the marriage. I could imagine myself feeling more and more resentful as time went on if I stayed. (And imagined he would come to feel the same way if I stayed.) I never stopped loving/caring for him.

With my second husband, who went back to drinking after nearly dying of it, I knew I didn't want to go through it again. I left before I hated him, but I felt that if I stayed it would come to that. I don't keep in touch with him, but I still hope he eventually finds sobriety for his own sake. I'm glad I'm not there going down with him.

ladyscribbler

Based on this and your last post, I will say as far as there is a "normal" for alcoholic behavior, no. You're dealing with verbal and emotional abuse in addition to his alcoholism. I dealt with this in my ex, and boundaries don't work in these situations. Setting and keeping a boundary in this type of relationship means you will "pay for it" somewhere else.