Just waiting and venting

Old 08-20-2004, 07:11 PM
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Just waiting and venting

Hi everyone. I haven't posted for a few days because I feel like I'm in a waiting mode. I'm not sure what I'm waiting for... I've been reading the posts on this board and others and I went to Alanon again. I also got a couple of 12 step books to read. I went to church on Sunday and read the Bible last night... so what's the matter with me?

I've been feeling so depressed. Part of it is hormones (menopause) and part of it is not knowing what to do next. I'm exercising, doing yoga, working full time, loving my dogs... working on me. Why don't I feel better? I'm going to be 50 next month... Maybe that's why I'm depressed.

My A is still drinking nothing new there... He even gave me permission to drink if I wanted to!! LOL

I noticed on my way home from work today that I have started this habit of looking at apartment complexes, thinking, Oh that's a nice one. Ohhhh.. that one looks safe... Ooooo... that one has a nice view. I feel like I would be running from my situation but if he isn't even going to put an effort into getting sober then why should I stay? I work with a lot of together people that do things with their spouses. They camp, they ski, they ride mountain bikes together, they exercise together. My friends husband surprised her for her b-day. I'm lucky if my A remembers.

ok whine whine whine whine... sorry... The thing is... I've never really been on my own and I'm really wanting to. I want to paint the walls a color I want! I want to plant the plant that I want! I want to move the friggin' couch where I want it!!! I'm tired of someone telling me what to do all the time!! I want to do what I want when I want and not have to take care of someone that is perfectly capable of taking care of himself if he would put in the least amount of effort! But he sure can tell me what to do! My kids are grown and it's just the two of us and I don't even want to be around him. He stays in his cave and I stay upstairs.
I have a career that I really like and it pays well. I got that career on my own, my own sweat, blood and tears ... (HAHA) went to college and graduated last year with not a whole lot of support from anyone. (pat on the back there) I'm ready to move on with my life and I feel like he's holding me back... sometimes I don't even want to come home from work. I'm going to be 50!! How much longer do I have to put up with this?? Do I wait until he dies?? I want to live... I want to travel and go camping and explore Colorado... soberly.

Oh, WHEW!!! I needed that. It took me awhile to write it. I see and feel the anger but I'm not going to apologize. I'll work the 12 steps, I'll keep doing yoga, going to the gym, going to church and trust in God. I don't seem to do so well when I'm the one making the decisions so he has to do a better job than I can!
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Old 08-20-2004, 07:39 PM
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If you are waiting for permission, here it is. Live your dream. If you want out, get out. You deserve a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. You have raised your children, gone to school, secured a successful career. You are obviously a capable, competent adult. The time for you has come. Have at it. Live Strong!
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Old 08-20-2004, 08:20 PM
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Thanks Giving. I'm in the rant and rave mood tonight. I just needed to vent and that's what this board is good for. I learn so much reading other posts. The long thread about hope and expectations had me close to tears a few times. It's all so true about not having any hope or expectations about your A and I find that so sad. I've given up on him and now I need to live my own life. It's the next phase that's hard.

Anyway, thanks for your nice post and thanks for your permission! LOL
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Old 08-20-2004, 08:35 PM
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me too. that is what I wanted to say. me too. but in addition to wanting to feel better I want to stop feeling like suicide is an option. I want to die, everyday and can't shake it. Just some peace and death would bring that.
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Old 08-20-2004, 10:00 PM
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dont give up

Giving up? hmmmmm thats a kinda depressing name. Figures that would be the type of advise offered.

Why cant you do all those things and stay married. To achieve change in someone else we often must change ourselves first. Who is enabling h to be so manipulative? Whats holding you back from going joining a camping or ski club? Whats stopping you from going on vacations and traveling? You are and nobody else. Perhaps by doing these things on your own he may wake the hell up and get a little scared that you are moving on with him. He might even become so curious at seeing the energy and excitement exuding from you by living your dream that he may want to join in.

Check out www.saveourmarraige.org its worth a shot before throwing in the towel. It boast a 75% success rate. (marraige councilling on its own = 3%)
If my marraige is eventually saved it will be by no small part this program. Its a worldwide orginization called Retrouvaille. If you are gonna throw in the towel your gonna want to have the peace of mind that you did EVERYTHING you could. Love is a decision - feelings are just that - they come and go.
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Old 08-21-2004, 06:23 AM
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Donald

I have followed your posts and know you mean well, but something you must understand about this side of recovery....it is not about doing anything to change them...lord knows that by the time we got here we had tried everything, begging, crying, anger, spying, manipulation, controlling, and praying our hearts out...all to no avail, because as our Step 1 tells us..."We are Powerless over the addict".

We learn to look after ourselves and find what WE need to make us happy. We let go of them, their recovery and their addiction, and learn to find our own happiness and peace. We learn that nobody else holds the key to our happiness, that we have held that key all along, and now we learn how to use it.

My A is still drinking nothing new there... He even gave me permission to drink if I wanted to!! LOL
She chooses to give herself permission to move on. I applaud her and pray for both of them

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Old 08-21-2004, 07:00 AM
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Thanks Ann. Donald, I do agree with you that I can do these things on my own and if I do split up with my H I will have to do them on my own. In fact, I've already started doing quite a bit by myself. But when you're part of a couple, people want to invite your spouse to parties and events. He has embarrassed me so many times that I don't want to invite him to anything! Or go anywhere with him until he has a few months of recovery under his belt. But... he doesn't want to recover. He sincerely doesn't think he has a problem. He is a man and men drink. That's his take on it.

About marriage counseling... I made 3 appointments and my H didn't show up for any of them. I went to AA for myself and he never went with me. I'm going to Alanon and he applaudes because he thinks I have a problem dealing with all the alcoholics in my family. Also, I don't complain about his drinking when I'm in Alanon. He's so deep in denial that nothing shakes his faith that everything is fine and dandy in our home. It doesn't matter that we aren't intimate or that I won't invite him to anything or that I am involved in yoga, the gym, photography, and I do these things without him. He just wants to be left alone to live in his cave, do football stats, talk to his internet buddies about football, and drink. As long as he knows I'm living here, he feels safe.

What to do with a man like that? I don't want to do anything because it would shake him up. I want to do it for myself.
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