Meeting with marriage counselor
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Join Date: Mar 2015
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Meeting with marriage counselor
I have a question and not sure if anyone can provide their incite. A little background cliff notes:
Married to an Alcoholic, 4 kids 13 and down. He has struggled staying sober and knows he has a disease just continues to think he can manage it alone. Was sober for 3.5 years. Fell off wagon drank on and off for 6 months. Drove with child in car and had been drinking. Wrecked car no injuries, no one else involved.
Fast forward two months:
No drinking for two months. He still thinks he can handle it on his own. I drive kids everywhere. He isn't allowed to. He drank last week because he said he could no one was home. Cycle continues. No changes on his part.
So the question:
I contacted a marriage counselor to help me work on trust and our marriage and managing life better with an alcoholic. Husband agreed. Counselor is a recovering alcoholic 5 years she said. I felt she would be good for us but she was very emotional about his accident. She said she would hot line him I think she called it. Call child services is what she said. I am okay with that although scared at the same time. Can she do that after the fact? He was never actually checked or charged just know he was drinking.
Would it be a wise choice to go with a family counselor that is 5 years sober? I felt comfortable with her. But worried she was so emotional on the phone.
Thoughts?
Married to an Alcoholic, 4 kids 13 and down. He has struggled staying sober and knows he has a disease just continues to think he can manage it alone. Was sober for 3.5 years. Fell off wagon drank on and off for 6 months. Drove with child in car and had been drinking. Wrecked car no injuries, no one else involved.
Fast forward two months:
No drinking for two months. He still thinks he can handle it on his own. I drive kids everywhere. He isn't allowed to. He drank last week because he said he could no one was home. Cycle continues. No changes on his part.
So the question:
I contacted a marriage counselor to help me work on trust and our marriage and managing life better with an alcoholic. Husband agreed. Counselor is a recovering alcoholic 5 years she said. I felt she would be good for us but she was very emotional about his accident. She said she would hot line him I think she called it. Call child services is what she said. I am okay with that although scared at the same time. Can she do that after the fact? He was never actually checked or charged just know he was drinking.
Would it be a wise choice to go with a family counselor that is 5 years sober? I felt comfortable with her. But worried she was so emotional on the phone.
Thoughts?
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
She s probably a mandatory reporter of child abuse, and endangering your child while driving drunk qualifies. "After the fact" has nothing to do with it. Now, whether or how CPS responds is up to them. They will most likely come out and interview you, your husband, and the kids. They will most likely offer (and maybe require) services.
Sounds to me like you've got a good counselor. Her sobriety may give her some added insight into the alcoholism issues. Plus you like her and feel comfortable with her. I'm sure it was an emotional thing for her--maybe it's the first time she's had to do this (make a report). If she can't regain a reasonable professional demeanor, though, I think I'd find someone else.
Sounds to me like you've got a good counselor. Her sobriety may give her some added insight into the alcoholism issues. Plus you like her and feel comfortable with her. I'm sure it was an emotional thing for her--maybe it's the first time she's had to do this (make a report). If she can't regain a reasonable professional demeanor, though, I think I'd find someone else.
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Location: Midwest, USA
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I agree with what Lexie said.
But also, my counselor, who I loved, often had to mirror appropriate emotions of shock and anger for me because I was so tolerant of and desensitized to my XAH's bad behavior and accepting of his excuses.
So, go ahead, but also wait and see. She can communicate with you what to expect from counseling and from him. But if he's still drinking, don't expect much from his end.
But also, my counselor, who I loved, often had to mirror appropriate emotions of shock and anger for me because I was so tolerant of and desensitized to my XAH's bad behavior and accepting of his excuses.
So, go ahead, but also wait and see. She can communicate with you what to expect from counseling and from him. But if he's still drinking, don't expect much from his end.
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The general common wisdom on this site is marriage counseling with an active alcoholic is not a worthwhile use of resources. Have you thought about you going solo just as a place to vent and work on you?
We tried marital counseling when RAH was about 3-4 months sober and it was a disaster. He wasn't ready. It was sucking all of his energy to live in reality sober. Stuff like find a job then work it. Others have reported success working early on in recovery on the marriage. We tried again a year out. He still tries to claim it is so hard to just live every day without drinking that he doesn't have time to deal with all the downstream stuff, but even the counselor is on to him and shuts him down... Just last week Mr. Therapist earned his keep by getting RAH to agree to go solo a few times. Have fun, guys!
It feels really good to have dug my secrets out and know my failures and just try to live each day. It is worth the work of steps or counseling or both to dig into your side of the situation.
Good luck to you.
We tried marital counseling when RAH was about 3-4 months sober and it was a disaster. He wasn't ready. It was sucking all of his energy to live in reality sober. Stuff like find a job then work it. Others have reported success working early on in recovery on the marriage. We tried again a year out. He still tries to claim it is so hard to just live every day without drinking that he doesn't have time to deal with all the downstream stuff, but even the counselor is on to him and shuts him down... Just last week Mr. Therapist earned his keep by getting RAH to agree to go solo a few times. Have fun, guys!
It feels really good to have dug my secrets out and know my failures and just try to live each day. It is worth the work of steps or counseling or both to dig into your side of the situation.
Good luck to you.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I think a counselor that specializes in addictions is a very smart way to go. You don't say if she has that experience as a counselor beyond her personal experience. It is certainly a fair question to ask her.
We had a counselor that my husband saw first on his own. He asked that she do a few joint sessions with the assumption that it would be to successfully co-parent and manage our divorce. I had already filed for divorce at that time. We attended 3 or 4 sessions together. At that point she told us two things. One, we had no deal breakers and she felt that with two invested people there was a reasonable chance we could make things work. Two, she wouldn't continue counseling unless my husband immersed himself in an active recovery program of his choosing. He chose not to. I continued to see her on my own and it was extremely helpful for me.
She explained that marriage counseling works when each person is committed to hearing the other and responding with intent and actions to strengthen the marriage. An active alcoholic has the voice of addiction in their head and that voice drowns out all others. They will ALWAYS follow that voice in the end, which works against the basic framework of marriage counseling.
But he is NOT trustworthy. You are seeking a way to figure out how to trust a person that is not at all trustworthy. 
Listen to that little voice inside instead of seeking ways of quieting it down. That voice has your very best interests at heart.
I found that individual counseling was extremely beneficial in being able to navigate life with an alcoholic. Nothing but positive experience with that so I highly recommend you pursue that.
I also second what Lexi and Florence said.
We had a counselor that my husband saw first on his own. He asked that she do a few joint sessions with the assumption that it would be to successfully co-parent and manage our divorce. I had already filed for divorce at that time. We attended 3 or 4 sessions together. At that point she told us two things. One, we had no deal breakers and she felt that with two invested people there was a reasonable chance we could make things work. Two, she wouldn't continue counseling unless my husband immersed himself in an active recovery program of his choosing. He chose not to. I continued to see her on my own and it was extremely helpful for me.
She explained that marriage counseling works when each person is committed to hearing the other and responding with intent and actions to strengthen the marriage. An active alcoholic has the voice of addiction in their head and that voice drowns out all others. They will ALWAYS follow that voice in the end, which works against the basic framework of marriage counseling.
Married to an Alcoholic.
He has struggled staying sober and knows he has a disease just continues to think he can manage it alone.
Drove with child in car and had been drinking. Wrecked car no injuries
He still thinks he can handle it on his own. I drive kids everywhere. He isn't allowed to.
He drank last week
Cycle continues. No changes on his part.
He has struggled staying sober and knows he has a disease just continues to think he can manage it alone.
Drove with child in car and had been drinking. Wrecked car no injuries
He still thinks he can handle it on his own. I drive kids everywhere. He isn't allowed to.
He drank last week
Cycle continues. No changes on his part.
I contacted a marriage counselor to help me work on trust
Listen to that little voice inside instead of seeking ways of quieting it down. That voice has your very best interests at heart.
and managing life better with an alcoholic.
I also second what Lexi and Florence said.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 273
Personally I'm a bit on the fence on this one. Yes I do think someone trained in dealing with addictions is in order. Yes I also think seeking individual therapy for yourself is in order. Yes I also think that even NOW your husband is in denial. I don't think you're going to make much headway unless/until get gets out of denial and deals with his stuff.
I have been through a LOT of therapy over the years and seen a lot of different therapists for different issues. One thing I have found is that if a therapist brings too much of their own baggage to the situation and cannot detach they can't be good therapists to you. I say this because hubbie and I were in marriage counseling while I was still drinking. Turns out the therapist was a 20+ recovering alcoholic and very co-dependent himself. Unfortunately this combination did not lead to any resolutions because the therapist was too scared to call me out due to his OWN co-dependency. Kind of screwed up. Personally as the one in recovery in counseling I wanted a therapist that allowed me to view the range of options available for programs. The therapist was of one mind that AA was the only way and brought his own slant to our counseling. I ultimately felt like the therapist was just bringing too much of his own stuff to counseling to be effective for us. The over emotionalness on the phone is a red flag for me on this front. I'd be inclined to setup an appointment, a single one just for yourself and see what you think. There are LOTS of therapists out there, I'd do some serious shopping. I think you need to find someone to help you focus on YOU so you can set the necessary boundaries in place to live in peace regardless of what your husband does.
Good luck. That car driving incident would have had me booted out of the house with no second chances. That is SCARY stuff and sadly it SHOULD have been a wake up call for your husband.
I have been through a LOT of therapy over the years and seen a lot of different therapists for different issues. One thing I have found is that if a therapist brings too much of their own baggage to the situation and cannot detach they can't be good therapists to you. I say this because hubbie and I were in marriage counseling while I was still drinking. Turns out the therapist was a 20+ recovering alcoholic and very co-dependent himself. Unfortunately this combination did not lead to any resolutions because the therapist was too scared to call me out due to his OWN co-dependency. Kind of screwed up. Personally as the one in recovery in counseling I wanted a therapist that allowed me to view the range of options available for programs. The therapist was of one mind that AA was the only way and brought his own slant to our counseling. I ultimately felt like the therapist was just bringing too much of his own stuff to counseling to be effective for us. The over emotionalness on the phone is a red flag for me on this front. I'd be inclined to setup an appointment, a single one just for yourself and see what you think. There are LOTS of therapists out there, I'd do some serious shopping. I think you need to find someone to help you focus on YOU so you can set the necessary boundaries in place to live in peace regardless of what your husband does.
Good luck. That car driving incident would have had me booted out of the house with no second chances. That is SCARY stuff and sadly it SHOULD have been a wake up call for your husband.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by cookiesncream 
I ultimately felt like the therapist was just bringing too much of his own stuff to counseling to be effective for us. The over emotionalness on the phone is a red flag for me on this front.
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