heartbroken

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Old 04-13-2015, 12:35 PM
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heartbroken

When i first met my STBX, there was no attraction on my end. I have never been around any addiction before but was a grad student for counseling. We got together and we were drinking and partying a lot. He told me he had just had a car accident that involved him hitting head on into a tree. He had to get jaws of life out of his car and suffered head injury. He was drunk. He continued to drink when we were dating. We started to fight and he became violent with me during drunken episodes. I stayed for some reason. He eventually admitted that he was an alcoholic and he had been drinking for 20 years. I of course wanted to help him; not knowing much about this disease. One night during a blackout he pulled a gun on me and told me I was going to die. He also choked me. I called the police and had him arrested. He went to jail and lost his high paying computer job. His family hired an attorney to help clear his felony charges of aggravated assault. I moved out immediatly and told his attorney I wanted nothing to do with him and for him to get treatment when asked what it was I wanted for him. He got off with first offenders plea and got probation for a year. I thought this was his rock bottom. He did too. He had to move in with his mom (age 41) and live with her for a year to rebuild his life. He went to 6 weeks of treatment and started AA and got a sponsor. He was sober for a year at this point and he reached out to me after writing me a very heartfelt amends. We eventually slowly started to get back together. I felt like he was truly sorry and his behavior was caused from taking adderall, head injury, and drinking. He was sober for 2 years and we were fully back together. He finally got off probation, got a very good job again, and moved back out on his own. I moved in with him. In Sept. we were married. During this time is when I started to see changes. He slowly stopped going to AA stating he didnt need it anymore and he did not want to be a lifer. I also found out that he liked porn. We argued a lot about it. He would stop but then start again. He then started to seek out a psychiatrist for adderall as he said he needed it or work to help him with his job as a developer because head injury made him tired all the time. He began to take adderall; and soon got up to 40 mg. He was also addicted to gym. He would go 7 days a week, taking workout supplements before he would go. He basially had dry drunk behaviors. He got angry all the time, and started to tell me I was not giving him enough space; or that I was too needy. He started to game more and would spend hours playing. Eventually we began to fight all the time. Every time we would fight, he would threaten divorce. His behavior was becoming more more irrational. He had road rage and I would get upset about how he acted in the car. He would get mad at me for telling him how to drive. One day he made me think he was going to leave me at the park when we were running. I had to run after the car and chase him. This was towards the end. Valentines Day we had a very nice night. We ended up fighting at the end of course for some odd reason and he said he wanted a divorce. He stayed in other bedroom for a week. i knew he was watching porn every night. We got back together to work things out a week later and were back for 2 days before he picked a fight with me again and said he wanted out again. He told me to get out. Every day he would yell and scream at me to get out.He would say how much he did not like me, how I was too clingy, and he wasnt even attracted to me anymore. He said the meanest things to me. I eventually left to go to hotel due to his name calling me and meanness. He got divorce papers and wanted me to sign the next week. During this time I was coming back to the house some to get things. During one of these visits, I smelled the alcholol on him. I knew he relapsed. He wanted me gone so he could drink again. He denied it of course. I have now moved into my own place but feel so confused. I havent had any contact from him in 15 days. He just dumped me, our relationship (4 years) ; our marriage, and never looked back. I am left picking up the pieces. I am mad at myself for staying and going back to him after what he did to me the first time. I should have known. I dont know what i feel anymore. We really were best friends a lot of the time, and to have no contact and for it to happen as like it did, so fast, no closure, just cut me off, has been horrible..
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Old 04-13-2015, 12:51 PM
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Oh I'm so very sorry. Please be gentle with yourself. That is so much to process, accept, and heal from. It will take time. There are some wonderful stickies at the top of this forum. It helped me to read them and learn more about the situation I found myself in. I also really liked a book called 'co-dependent no more'.

Welcome to the group. Read and post as much as you need to. I've receive so much support here over the years.
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Old 04-13-2015, 01:03 PM
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Welcome to SR Abitconfused!

I hope you find these boards helpful to work on you, your motivations and your feelings about this dramatic addict relationship.
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Old 04-13-2015, 01:11 PM
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Hi Confused,
I'm sorry you're going through this. BIG HUGS
I relate to much of what you posted, especially the frequent fighting and the verbal abuse, and the "I should have known" feeling.

Sounds like your AH has some other issues besides alcoholism.

I know how hard it is, especially when there were still good times along with the bad, but you will get through this!!!

Stay strong, keep posting. Do you go to Al-anon?
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Old 04-13-2015, 01:17 PM
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When you have allowed yourself some TLC and some time to heal you'll realize the closure is in his actions.

You won't need any words for the closure.

I hope you realize that all the things he said to you have nothing to do with you, it comes from a sick place in his mind.
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Old 04-13-2015, 01:20 PM
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Welcome dear one, you are not alone in you're confusion. And your not alone in your feelings or even many of your experiences. You will find some of the best support and advice in the world (I do like a bit of hyperbole) and from around the world right here. (((Hugs)))
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Old 04-13-2015, 01:41 PM
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Welcome and I am sorry for what brings you here. I agree there is more here than just alcoholism. This is a very sick person - I know that doesn't help with your hurt but perhaps as you heal you will be able to look back and see its wasn't you.

I suspect the relapse is longer than you think it was. An active addict puts the DOC on tier 1, if he felt that you stood in the way between him and alcohol or whatever else he is up to then its no surprise what he did.
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Old 04-13-2015, 02:10 PM
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Welcome to SR, ABC--so sorry for all the abuse you've suffered. As another poster mentioned, there are a number of threads in the stickied section that might be useful for you. I often see it said here that alcoholism doesn't cause abuse; an abuser is an abuser, actively drinking or sober. Your A sounds like he has multiple problems, and hard though it is to accept right now, it's likely for the best that you've moved out since he is showing no signs of wanting to work on recovery from any of those issues.

I suspect you might find some help and support in Alanon. I don't have knowledge to share about abusers or abuse issues, but I know many others here do, and I'm sure they'll be along to share their wisdom.

Please take good care of yourself. Educate yourself, find support, and you'll begin to see a whole new life opening up in front of you. Wishing you strength and clarity.
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Old 04-13-2015, 03:42 PM
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I have recently started. I am going this evening. I would like to get a sponsor.
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Old 04-13-2015, 04:07 PM
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Originally Posted by abitconfused View Post
I have recently started. I am going this evening. I would like to get a sponsor.
Good for you!
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