Hope7726

Hi everyone. I haven't posted in a while. It's been 6 months since I last saw or spoke to my AXBF, 4 months since I have heard any news about him. Long story short for those who aren't familiar, I found out after a year of dating that he was using (opiates), I stayed with him while he claimed to be in recovery but that only lasted 2 months. He stole money from me and took off. There was no sign of him for 7 weeks, finally his mom found him and he was using (obviously), not working, wasn't clear about where he had been living, unapologetic, and had no real desire to get help. I asked his friends and family not to keep me posted on him anymore and everyone has been respectful of that. I have absolutely no idea what he is doing now.

It's been a real struggle getting through this. I don't miss him per se; I am not even sure I believe his feelings for me were ever genuine and that makes it difficult to miss someone. But I am having a really hard time getting past the anger, hurt, resentment, and vulnerability that this has left me with. I can honestly say this has been the most emotionally taxing situation I have ever been in and I hope I never go through something this hurtful and surreal again. I have been in therapy since before all of this, I attended Nar-Anon but I don't feel the need for it anymore, I have read books, websites, educated myself about addiction, and generally have been taking care of myself. But I feel so stuck. I feel trapped by these negative thoughts and feelings. I feel totally directionless because he and I had planned a future together and ever since he left I have felt like, NOW WHAT? I feel anxious to make changes in my life but at the same time unmotivated and unsure of where to begin. I feel as though my heart is closed for business and the thought of letting someone in again is so frightening to me. I feel like I'm walking around with a big ole "DAMAGED" sticker on my forehead.

I realize it hasn't been a long time and I know everyone deals with things differently. I guess I could use some words of encouragement from people who understand what this feels like. I don't want this to ruin me

ladybug152

Im sorry honey and people do dwell with things differently. They say time heals but sometimes that's not the case. But you deserve better and try to stay busy and love yourself hun.

AWorriedFather

I recommend the book, "How can I forgive you, the courage to Forgive, the Freedom not to," by Janis A Spring.

I love the definition that forgiveness is giving up hope that the past could have been any different. Forgiveness is for the victim. The offender need not even know.

Something else, time itself does not heal. It's the hard work we do processing the pain (during the time) that heals.

I learned to believe these through processing a prior trauma unrelated to my son.

Jorgenss

I am in the same time frame as you are and I have good days and bad days. It is very hard to move past the feeling of knowing that he possibly did not love you. All of the reading I have done, tells me that they probably were not capable of ever loving you.

I do believe time heals all wounds, and I am sending big hugs to you today. May you find some peace soon.