EmotionalMeg

Hello out there,
I have been a member of this site for a long time... I have been on "vacation" from the computer however, to put more time and effort into the relationship with my husband. My husband is an Alcoholic / Addict in recovery, and has been sober for just over 16 months (you know, I had to count that on my fingers lol). I have learned SO much in my own recovery in Alanon; about letting go, detachment, and self-discovery. I know that I am a completely different person than I was 2 years ago, and better for it. Even now, after 16 months of my husband's sobriety, I can honestly say that I'm healthy. Every once in a while, I catch myself wondering... you know, taking a glance into the darkness; "Oh my God... what if THIS is the weekend he drinks again?!". But I know it's OK. Because it is always promptly followed up with "I'll still be me, and I'm just fine". AND I know I always have a safe place to go; I grab my car keys and head to a meeting.

But the events of the last few days have had me feeling a bit stumped. Ever since my husband got sober, there have been friends crawling out of the woodwork admitting that THEY too are A's, and need help. One friend of G's has called many times over the past few months just needing to talk to someone "safe". It's been wonderful for my husband... he's been able to reach out to someone and in turn has had to dig down and recall all the things he used to get sober. G has been encouraging this friend to get to meetings, and it has been helping; his friend HAS been going.
On wednesday, this friend (we'll call him K) called and asked to come up for a few days; of course it was no problem on our end. It turns out that K's common-law wife of 10 years, and mother of his only daughter is an A as well. The biggest problem being, that while K is working hard at his recovery, his wife is still drinking and using... and K has just had enough.
I talked to his wife today... she called me.
I guess last night K called to see how she was doing, and she was drunk and high. K told her he was "done"... and that he was moving out as soon as he got home. When I talked to his wife (F) on the phone today, she wanted me to pass on some things to K. She wants me to tell him how much she loves him and WANTS this to work... and most importantly how she IS serious about getting sober herself. She does NOT want him to leave.

("Whew!")
OK, here's my thoughts...
Would it not be extremely unhealthy for the two of them to be coexisting while they are each so sick? There has already been several indications of unhealthy dependance on each other; He gets sober, then makes HER feel guilty for still drinking... or HE slips and SHE gives him crap etc. They feed off of each other so much for their own benefit that I'm not sure they know what it takes to truly recover; this could end up being a very vicious cycle. So I'm curious what your thoughts are...

I would like to talk to K this afternoon.
I want to try to express my concern over HIS codependancy (and hers) and how the whole scenario needs a facelift.

Thanks!
And it's good to be back again,
Meg

Lorelai

Meg -
I'm so glad to hear that things are going well for you and your H. You sound great.

I don't think that K & F's relationship has anything to do with you though and I don't think it's your responsibility to do anything about it.
Just my opinion.
L

sweeks

Wow....I just wanted to say congrats to you and your H on your recovery! Not sure I can give you much about your friends though...Good luck!

EmotionalMeg

Hi L,
You know, I was ready for that...
I KNOW it doesn't have anything to do with me - honest I do!!
In fact it is not so much that I feel "responsible", but more that I want to help. I have a wealth of information and encouraging advice from my growth in my own program, that I feel like I want to share. These two people are close friends, and are asking for help...
If it ends up that I need to keep my nose out, thats OK too. I just feel like I'm getting a little "nudge" from my HP; but am worried about saying the wrong thing, or saying too much or perhaps too little.
Thanks for your response!
Meg

Chy

Hi Meg! Good to see you. This one they have to figure out themselves dear. You can suggest they try AA or NA together, to help get them sober, and learn to better love and respect each other. After that your hands are tied, as they should be. *hugs*

Lorelai

Meg -
I have no doubt that you have a wealth of information and advice. I've read your posts and you have helped me a lot. I know that your heart is in the right place and that you truly want to help.

You know that each person seeks recovery at his or her own pace and when they are ready.

I'm sure that you are helping them already. You and your H are great examples of how wonderful recovery can be.
L

EmotionalMeg

Hmmmmmmm,
I guess when Chy says "Stay out" you'd better listen
Thanks for the quick responses...
By the way, can you guys hand me the stapler? This is gonna be real tough keeping my mouth shut!
Meg
P.S. Lorelai, You are too sweet. I am glad that my posts have been helpful - if only to give you a hug when you needed it.

Gabe

Hey Meg,
It is SO GOOD to see you here again.
You know the drill on this.
Figure out what you own and what you don't own.
That sounds simple, but sometimes it takes some thought.
Big hugs,
Gabe

Pony

good to see ya Meg! Glad things are going good for you. Can't improve on the things said above about your friends, but then I think you already knew all those things anyways....LOL those codie issues/habits are hard to break even when it comes to friends.

Come check in more often...you are missed!

greeneyes67

I agree with the fact that it has nothing to do with you, and also saying what you need to say once, then letting it go. (My sponsor always says you get one chance so make it count)!!

But don't ever underestimate the power of praying for someone else. Pray for both of them. Every day, as long as you need to. I've seen too many miracles to know that this works.

Good Luck to you~

Cap3

Congrats to you and your hubby.living in recovery.!!! way to go...Meg you say,,would it not be extreamly unhealthy for the 2 of them to be coexisting while they are so sick?Isnt your own experience say that it does work out?That 2 sick people can find recovery,and start anew..You may not have been an alcoholic.However,in Al-anon,,its been often said that the non-alcoholic,may become sicker, than the alcoholic.Take myself and my hubby..Sick,folks.Both alcoholics.The programs work when ya work them.And it does..for anyone..One Day At a Time..We share experiences,strenght,,and.....hope...Opinions dont know..What Gods,Plans are for another.Our journey,,was made more difficult from others giving their opinions to us.Telling us what to do with each other.And we were very vonerable,at the time.Eventually we had to shut them out,and go on our gut feelings,and stay with our sponsors.The road to hell is paved by those who have good intentions.And i have experienced this to be so very true.Had to put those good folks on my 4-9 step..They meant well.They were only trying to help us.They had good intentions.But i will tell you,it was awful what we went through,because they thought they were in da....know...We,Share, experiences.{keeping in mind that their experiences didnt mean that this had to be my experience too}strenght,and hope...When people go beyond this,,it may make,ones journey more difficult than need be.Others thought we were hopeless.Sure looked it,,felt it too.They gave opinions,on, what they saw.,and heard..Who was to know,God,s Plans for us,that were working way beneath the surface....Let go,,Let God....
Thanks for letting me share,,
God Bless,,take care...

talia

Hi Meg,

This is just what I am learning to do.

If someone asks me specifically for help or for my advice or my opinion and it's something I feel I can and want to share, I will. I'm working on sharing what I know,ONLY if someone has actually asked for it.

Sounds to me like "F",the wife, was asking you to play role of communicator.And it enmeshes you in their relationship. Just my opinion.

If "K" ASKS for you advice or wants you to share what you know. You have the choice of answering or not. I am learning that when I share information with someone,when I haven't been asked for it, that serves me...not them.

Give you an example of something that happened to me. I met a woman who is a recovering alcoholic,12 years sober. We were discussing the 12 steps. I asked her..how did she go about "surrendering" to God. That was something I was working on and having some trouble with. Well, she not only answered that question...but then proceeded to give me advice on all the other steps...including that if I wanted love in my life..I needed to start giving it..and I could do that by volunteering at shelters..etc..

Well, that was WAY too much info for me...I started feeling guilty..thinking maybe I needed to go volunteer. Well, now that I have processed everything...I know that I am not ready to go volunteer or take action of any kind to help others. I am still working on surrendering to God and for the first time in a long time,giving him back control in my life. My question to her was.."how did she go about surrendering to God"...that's it....nothing more nothing less. The rest of the info..I wasn't ready to hear..I'm not there yet.

hhmmm...you did ask,right???......

thanks for letting me share,

talia

EmotionalMeg

Thanks for such helpful information...
Cap, you're right... it would be the same in my situation; I was just as sick as my husband was. There was a point at which I told my husband to leave; I had decided that I needed an environment in which it was safe and peaceful for me and our children. And he DID go. He came back, but there were huge changes by that point. For me, him leaving was a turning point for me. So in a sense although our recoveries are forever ongoing, from that point on, we were NOT in an unhealthy environment. It was an awakening for BOTH of us.

I guess I am remembering the whole "nothing changes if nothing changes" scenario, and HOPING that somthing DOES change for K and F.

What I am having to do however, is completely seperate myself from THEIR situation. I have a tendancy to have my "radar" on all the time... picking up on dysfunctional situations involving A's and thier loved ones. And the worst part is falsely thinking I can "help" them. These are friends of mine... I WANT to see a happy ending. But what I am realizing is that I am NOT the determining factor here.

Isn't it funny how we can be so righteous and justified in our thinking one day, and the next day realize how wrong we were. Oh, that "hands-on" "let me help" "care-taking" codependant in me... She still exists!

Thanks guys... for you know what
Meg

P.S.
I WAS made the "middle man" wasn't I?
It's funny, cuz at the time I honestly thought that it made sense for ME to be relaying F's messages to K... after all, I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING! HA ha ha ha ha ha ha... funny.

larry g

Meg,
You have received wonderful advice and I too seldom disagree with anything Chy says. Only thing I might suggest is to pass along some Al-anon Literature to both of them. Maybe get one or both to an Al-anon meeting. Some of the best info I've received came from AA-NA people that attend both. Sometimes helps people "snap" without us saying anything.

Cap3

Hahahaha..Meg,,where did you get those rolling faces?//Too funny...lol...lets see,now..Say your friends after talking to you,come to me now asking for advice.I would tell them something different.Thats all it is ,is different.Not better or worse,,just a different path.My hubby drank for many years before i came to both programs.And i stayed,for those years of him hitting his bottom.Yupper lived with his hitting his bottom,and it was a longgggggggg,hard bottom,that he came to.,as im into recovery..The BB tells me that i can get well regardless of anyone,else,s actions.And that is what happened.,,So your friends after talking to us both are now confused on what they should do.Stay or leave..hmmmm.But there is no confusion..Just following programs.The promises,,come true,when i work and live program.And it will come to them too.....Now i can ,be tempted,to,give advice,as quick as anyone.But for me,and im only speaking here about myself,After having the experience of others advice,for so long,,it did make things worse for me.MY fault.Because i was,half, believing what they were saying.,and my fault for taking what they said so very seriously..For i felt that they were in da know.And they did too..But as it turned out,,they didnt know God,s plans for us.nor did i..I need, to put my faith in God.Let Him direct....So today i ask questions,and let others decided,.on issues,and have them do the work by reading the BB,and what it says to them.All kinds of questions,on both sides of the coin.Is my way better?nope..not at all.its just my way of helping.No more,no less..They find their, answers...
Thanks again for letting me share,
God Bless,,take care!!!!!!