Kelslol

Our marriage therapist suggested that we take a week apart for a "cooling off" period. We were always fighting cuZ I was hoping he would be more understanding and sympathetic and he wanted me to trust him already (im trust already? It's been 4 months!! he hasn't given me any reason to trust him!). Well the first few days were hard and then by Friday/Saturday I realized the space was good for us! I started missing him and we started talking normal again, no yelling. Well I'm suppose to go back home this morning BUT last night he had a work function all day and I talked to him at 8pm and he didn't drink at the event at all (he was addicted to pills, but said he wasn't going to drink for a year and then decide if it was worth it). Well 10 came around and he still didn't go home to let he dog out to the bathroom. I called him and he was slurring his words and couldn't talk normal. I asked him if he wS drinking and he said no. Lol it's like he thinks I'm dumb or that he's good at tricking me. I go to the house with my friend to let me dog out at 11:30(I felt so bad for him) and my husband ended up coming home shortly after...wasted! He wouldn't look at me and finally he said "Ya, I am drunk, so what!" It just makes me so upset that he just throws our marriage away like this, he needs to stick to his words and stop the lying!!!!! I think last night was the last straw for me...im interested to see what he says to me today cuZ I doubt he remembers anythjng from last night.

I think I'm going to be 28 and divorced to someone who I use to think was my Prince Charming..

zoso77

Or you could continue to stay married to someone who is not invested in your marriage, and who is not invested in you.

Which is worse?

BTW, are you Catholic?

Kelslol

That's my biggest fear

And i am christian

zoso77

Is part of your fear related to divorce a function of your faith?

Kelslol

Yes and everyone judging me for getting a divorce. we have only been married 2 years and I'm only 28 so there's a lot of shame. And just the idea of not having him around anymore. He was a great husband, he use to be amazing. He was perfect for me and then the addiction hit, and now his "recovery" has been very hard cuZ it just distanced us from each other. It's sad to let go of someone who is your family.

zoso77

I thought so. So, I'm going to present an opinion. As they say in Al Anon, take what you like and leave the rest.

When you entered into marriage, the implicit deal you two made was he'd hold up his end of the bargain, and you'd hold up yours. Here's your first post from January:

Now, I want to be clear: I am not advocating that you divorce him. What I am advocating is looking at him with clear eyes and a clear mind. And then ask yourself one simple question: has he held up his end of the bargain?

As for God...the older I get, the more I understand that there is no avoiding suffering in this life. It's part of the deal. We take the good with the bad. And as a lapsed Catholic who still prays daily nonetheless, I don't believe God would want us to stay in a situation where another person is compromising our sanity and our well being. And that's because your AH has made choices that have undercut the viability of your marriage. Marriage will not work if one person's playing by the rules, but the other is playing by their own or by no rules. That's not what you signed up for, is it? Your AH's wounds are self inflicted. His suffering is self induced. And you're in his field, getting radiated all the time.

I'm 18 years older than you. I've been around the block a few times. And I can tell you without a hint of reservation that I don't give a f--k what most people think of me. I don't need anyone's permission to do what is best for me. The people in my life that love me and respect me have loved me and respected me through a lot of dark days. So instead of being in fear of judgment, you should welcome the opportunity to see who's really in your corner when the s--t his the fan.

There are worse things in life than being divorced at age 28. If you read enough posts here and absorb those messages, you'll soon understand what they are.

Do what's best for you.

mnh1982

I am 33 and DID have a child with a man I thought was Prince Charming too.

Here's the deal...

Prince Charming was only charming insomuch as it helped him dupe me into believing he was going to STAY Prince Charming. And then, much like your husband, after we were married & it was "too late", the addict came back out & never went away.

We are now separated also. It has been almost a month, & I can honestly say that being separated has helped me to differentiate between Prince Charming (who reeled me in & made me believe he was invested, engaged & committed to our marriage AND our baby), & the truth.

The truth sucks. It hurts, & it's not pretty. But I would 100 times rather be faced with the truth & learn to deal with it, than allow the facade of Prince Charming to lull me into keeping him in our lives only to have him ruin things over & over again.

If you allow what others think of divorce to cloud your judgement, believe me, you will remain miserably married to a person who does not & cannot care more about you than about his addiction & his own wellbeing.

Like Zoso, I was once a devout Catholic. And even though I am not any longer, I believe that if God has a "plan", then God also relies on us to put that plan into action.

Stay strong.

CodeJob

Hi Kelsol,

If you feel that you cannot recover a sense of trust in this relationship, then end it.

Pray about it.

zoso77

And one more thing.

This is not your fault. None of this is your fault. You have acted in good faith, and you're continuing to act in good faith. He hasn't.

Don't live your life in fear of what other people may say. Reasonable people will side with and empathize with you. And the ones that aren't reasonable? Their problem, not yours.

Follow your own compass. Make the best decision for you, whatever that is. And we'll stand by you.

Lstick87

Hi Kelsol,

I married my husband almost two yrs ago not knowing he was becoming addicted to pills. We promptly (I mean right after the wedding) got pregnant and I didn't know ab his addiction till I was 4 months along. We also joined families, each having already had 1 child. So, there I was, essentially 3 kids deep and freshly married with an addict husband who wasn't admitting to his addiction. I stayed another year and 4 months until this past January when he actually said he was miserable and left us. He quickly turned around to come back, but I took my first step to sanity and told him no. We haven't lived together since January and he started an outpatient program ab 1 month ago. I am in a place of uncertainty as to where to go from here. I don't want to be divorces at 28 either, especially with two of my own children and a beautiful stepdaughter but I'm feeling more and more like that is where the reality lies. If I could do anything, I would have left him before our baby was born BC it has become even harder now that she is here and I see her light up when he comes to see her. The thought of ending things is agonizing and if I can give you any advice it is to leave now. Read about codependency (something I never thought applied to me) and set boundaries and desires for yourself so that you can hold true to them. If you are anything like me (strong, independently minded, empathetic, compassionate, adventurous) you won't be able to ignore the signs of your own codependency and the answer will become clear to you. Don't wait. Don't worry ab what others will think and if they do, find a new set of believers to support you. They're out there and ready to lay hands on you and pray for you. We are too young to wait for someone else to treat us well. Leave before you get pregnant. Period.

Kelslol

This place has saved me. Thank you all for your great asvice!!! Here's an update: as of three weeks ago my husband got WASTED a and tried to tell me he didn't drink. This was the week I was staying at a friends house. I came home to confront him on it and He had no shame or remorse the next day. I was heartbroken at how he was acting and finally said the words I WANT A DIVORCE a. Our house is now up for sale and we are getting ready to move on with our lives. Last Monday I had a bad guy feeling that he was using again, so I searched his car. I found what I was looking for...pills and a cut up straw. He isn't sober like he says he is. He denied it until I finally told him I knew that he was using cuZ I found it, he then couldn't lie about it. I'm pretty sure he is still using now. So thankfully I realized that I made the right decision for me. My biggest concern was that I would leave him and he would remain sober forever. Well now I know that's not the case. I'm in therapy, which has been a tremedous help! I just want to tell everyone thank you for being so supportive!!! P.s. ALWAYS believe your GUT cuZ it's usually always right

zoso77

Well, I'm sad it has come to this point. Divorce isn't something to be celebrated.

But you've done all you can. You've acted in good faith. You've given him the benefit of the doubt on more than one occasion. And he's stiffed you, without conscience.

I'm glad you're in therapy. It will be of tremendous benefit to you in the days and weeks to come. What I hope going forward is you learn to not personalize what he's done. He's an addict acting like an addict. And he would do what he's done to you to anyone.

Keep us posted.

CarmenLove

So sorry Keslso,

I am glad you found the evidence. You can have a much better life.

CodeJob

Hello Kelsol,

Keep working on you. Hugs.