What is it like to be in the grip of alcoholism?
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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What is it like to be in the grip of alcoholism?
Hi everyone
I thought it may be helpful for some of us who are not alcoholics to have an insight into what our loved one's life is like while in the grip of the different stages of addiction.
Can anyone share their experience with regards to the alcoholic and their relationships with friends and family?
Hope it is ok to ask this.
THANK YOU
I thought it may be helpful for some of us who are not alcoholics to have an insight into what our loved one's life is like while in the grip of the different stages of addiction.
Can anyone share their experience with regards to the alcoholic and their relationships with friends and family?
Hope it is ok to ask this.
THANK YOU
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
Hi Sunsun, I have often wondered this myself. I am not an alcoholic but I have been with someone off and on for five years who is. I don't know what it is like to be him but I know what I see. In the morning he is quiet and somewhat irritable. He sometimes rubs his bottom lip with his hand like he is thinking about something (probably something like " I wonder if I can drink a beer now?" then by noon sometimes earlier he starts drinking his Budweiser and he continues throughout the day until he passes out. After the third or fourth beer, his irritability subsides and he becomes fun and pleasant to be around. Later in the evening after he is well into a case, he starts getting kind of annoying and talking very loud, slurring and stumbling around sometimes falling or bumping into things. He still continues to drink until his eyes start rolling back in his head and then he finally crashes. Gets up several times a night to smoke a cigarette ...insomnia. Then it starts all over again the next day. Hope this helps. Like I said I am not an alcoholic and you might want to hear it straight from someone who is or was an active alcoholic to get the full picture. But this is what I see day in and day out. I care for this person very much and it is hard sometimes to watch but I know I have no control over it.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
"What is it like to be in the grip of alcoholism?"
It is very complex and hard to answer. In one way it is like being in hell and in another it is euphoric.
My mother is an alcoholic and growing up a teenager was very difficult as she could be verbally abusive. She would always say she would quit but of course that never happened.
I had my daughter when I was 20 and only really drank when I went out. It wasn't till I was about 37 that I started drinking more. When my daughter moved out at 39 well I don't know what happened. One beer a night turned into 2 beer a night and so on, then I moved on to wine, couple a glasses and then a bottle a night. I just couldn't get enough. One glass was never enough.
Then I moved on to vodka and work started to suffer. My relationships with family and friends no more cause all I wanted to do after work was to drink. Weekends were meant for myself and for drinking. It is like you are looking at yourself and not believing that you are doing what you said you never would.
I loved drinking and getting drunk. It made everything better for that time, took the pain away and just make me feel good. I know it sounds crazy, but for once I understood why my mother drank after my parents divorced. I got it.
Of course the drinking gets worse and I needed more time to drink and I need more and more of it. And nothing else mattered but the booze. I would sit there drunk, knowing I had to stop and scared that I couldn't stop because I loved it so much. Even though it is the worse thing you are doing to yourself, you are just so out of control.
I considered myself lucky that I got to the point where I wanted sobriety more than the booze. Some people never get there.
Yes, my mom still drinks, however we actually can talk about it and I know exactly what she is going thru and she totally understands me. She was 100% in my corner when I quit and I will always support her and not be judgemental of her.
It is very complex and hard to answer. In one way it is like being in hell and in another it is euphoric.
My mother is an alcoholic and growing up a teenager was very difficult as she could be verbally abusive. She would always say she would quit but of course that never happened.
I had my daughter when I was 20 and only really drank when I went out. It wasn't till I was about 37 that I started drinking more. When my daughter moved out at 39 well I don't know what happened. One beer a night turned into 2 beer a night and so on, then I moved on to wine, couple a glasses and then a bottle a night. I just couldn't get enough. One glass was never enough.
Then I moved on to vodka and work started to suffer. My relationships with family and friends no more cause all I wanted to do after work was to drink. Weekends were meant for myself and for drinking. It is like you are looking at yourself and not believing that you are doing what you said you never would.
I loved drinking and getting drunk. It made everything better for that time, took the pain away and just make me feel good. I know it sounds crazy, but for once I understood why my mother drank after my parents divorced. I got it.
Of course the drinking gets worse and I needed more time to drink and I need more and more of it. And nothing else mattered but the booze. I would sit there drunk, knowing I had to stop and scared that I couldn't stop because I loved it so much. Even though it is the worse thing you are doing to yourself, you are just so out of control.
I considered myself lucky that I got to the point where I wanted sobriety more than the booze. Some people never get there.
Yes, my mom still drinks, however we actually can talk about it and I know exactly what she is going thru and she totally understands me. She was 100% in my corner when I quit and I will always support her and not be judgemental of her.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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It is fascinating for me on the outside looking in. The devastation is extraordinary. I have walked away. 50 years old with two kids under 15. Don't need the utter weird insanity.
My XA is high functioning when required, has a high powered job and well paid. He is really good at harnessing a lot of energy at creating a false mask. He goes to work still drunk and can make it happen with loads of coffee, cigarettes, mints and tooth cleaning. The minute work is over he gives into drink.
Work, drink, sleep - pretend. Blinkered one dimensional vision. He works only to survive so he can drink. In the past he has had big pay offs from jobs and didn't work until all the money had been spent on booze. Hundreds of thousands of British pounds literally down the toilet.
He is now 53, his only 'friends' are alcoholics or new people who haven't seen beyond the mask. No savings, no pension, no assets.
No life beyond work and the pub - literally.
Do they have ANY idea that there is so much more to life?
My XA is high functioning when required, has a high powered job and well paid. He is really good at harnessing a lot of energy at creating a false mask. He goes to work still drunk and can make it happen with loads of coffee, cigarettes, mints and tooth cleaning. The minute work is over he gives into drink.
Work, drink, sleep - pretend. Blinkered one dimensional vision. He works only to survive so he can drink. In the past he has had big pay offs from jobs and didn't work until all the money had been spent on booze. Hundreds of thousands of British pounds literally down the toilet.
He is now 53, his only 'friends' are alcoholics or new people who haven't seen beyond the mask. No savings, no pension, no assets.
No life beyond work and the pub - literally.
Do they have ANY idea that there is so much more to life?
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
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Originally Posted by Sunsun 
Do they have ANY idea that there is so much more to life?
It is hard to describe but alcohol takes you over. It shuts out everything and everyone else. I changed my lifestyle to 100% accommodate my drinking. I did the bare minimum I needed to do in the way of paying bills, shopping, cleaning. The rest of the time was ear marked as 'drinking time'.
An insane way to live, but at the time, I just couldn't see it.
Now with four years sober, it is the quiet and simple things in life I love and enjoy.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
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Originally Posted by LeeJane
I did the bare minimum I needed to do in the way of paying bills, shopping, cleaning. .
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
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Your question is an easy one it sucked. Do we know there is more to life? Some of us know but don't think it's for us. Only other people have beautiful lives. My depression and alcoholism were completely entwined. I spent three years completely helpless in my alcoholism. It was only after hitting my bottom and surrendering was I finally able to stop. Far more people don't make it out than do.
There is nothing intellectual about it. If you haven't experienced it there is no way to understand it. I can explain the mechanics of addiction science has that well worked out. It's the mental, spiritual stuff that makes it impossible to explain.
I think what is more important is to understand why all of you are involved with addicts /alcoholics and why do you stay. Or worse keep picking them. So, many here are wasting their lives trying to understand the alcoholic, refusing to believe that words mean nothing and actions are everything. You can't fix us. And even if you could for a lot of you you don't even know the person sober and it may turn out you have nothing in common.
There is nothing intellectual about it. If you haven't experienced it there is no way to understand it. I can explain the mechanics of addiction science has that well worked out. It's the mental, spiritual stuff that makes it impossible to explain.
I think what is more important is to understand why all of you are involved with addicts /alcoholics and why do you stay. Or worse keep picking them. So, many here are wasting their lives trying to understand the alcoholic, refusing to believe that words mean nothing and actions are everything. You can't fix us. And even if you could for a lot of you you don't even know the person sober and it may turn out you have nothing in common.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Originally Posted by happybeingme
I think what is more important is to understand why all of you are involved with addicts /alcoholics and why do you stay. Or worse keep picking them. So, many here are wasting their lives trying to understand the alcoholic, refusing to believe that words mean nothing and actions are everything. You can't fix us. And even if you could for a lot of you you don't even know the person sober and it may turn out you have nothing in common.
I have four years sober and working my program BUT if I decided I want to go back to daily drinking, I will do it! End of. Not up for debate. Regardless of anyone else in my life. So yes, why waste your time? Addicts partners are always second to the addiction. People deserve better than that.
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Hi I posted a similar question on the alcolism forum and got some brilliant responses. I have tried to post the link here but don't know how to. If you search my posts you would find it. ((((Hugs))))
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
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Originally Posted by LadyinBC
You are one up on me, I barely even cleaned. Just made sure my bed was clean cause that is where I did the majority of my drinking!
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by Sunsun
It is fascinating for me on the outside looking in. The devastation is extraordinary. I have walked away. 50 years old with two kids under 15. Don't need the utter weird insanity.
My XA is high functioning when required, has a high powered job and well paid. He is really good at harnessing a lot of energy at creating a false mask. He goes to work still drunk and can make it happen with loads of coffee, cigarettes, mints and tooth cleaning. The minute work is over he gives into drink.
Work, drink, sleep - pretend. Blinkered one dimensional vision. He works only to survive so he can drink. In the past he has had big pay offs from jobs and didn't work until all the money had been spent on booze. Hundreds of thousands of British pounds literally down the toilet.
He is now 53, his only 'friends' are alcoholics or new people who haven't seen beyond the mask. No savings, no pension, no assets.
No life beyond work and the pub - literally.
Do they have ANY idea that there is so much more to life?
My XA is high functioning when required, has a high powered job and well paid. He is really good at harnessing a lot of energy at creating a false mask. He goes to work still drunk and can make it happen with loads of coffee, cigarettes, mints and tooth cleaning. The minute work is over he gives into drink.
Work, drink, sleep - pretend. Blinkered one dimensional vision. He works only to survive so he can drink. In the past he has had big pay offs from jobs and didn't work until all the money had been spent on booze. Hundreds of thousands of British pounds literally down the toilet.
He is now 53, his only 'friends' are alcoholics or new people who haven't seen beyond the mask. No savings, no pension, no assets.
No life beyond work and the pub - literally.
Do they have ANY idea that there is so much more to life?
I noticed this too with my STBXAH.
I spoke about creating assets, and plans for the future, and it was as though he couldn't hear me.
His life is work, use, work, use etc etc... There is no spare money.
It's like a treadmill. And I would wonder how we were going to get off. We used to have travel plans but he didn't want to talk about those anymore either.
He would just be irritable and say that he just had to work.
No long term strategy.
It's OK I suppose, it's just not for me!
Better when never is never
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin near Twin Cities
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It is an overwhelming compulsion and obsession, although not necessarily frantic. Not to be creepy, but the best analogy I heard was that drinking for the alcoholic is like starting to have sex and then knowing that after a few seconds you should stop and go pay the bills and fix dinner."What? No, I just got something good going. Everything else is going to have to wait." It is like being carried along helplessly in a rushing river.
There is also a self-hatred and embarrassment of knowing you should and could quit, but once again you don't. This is compounded by the frustration from the eternal dream of being able to figure out normal drinking. There is also the perplexing reaction to reject help and deny the problem, even though it is exactly what you had been hoping for up until the very point it was offered.
As far as relationships go, you know that you should be there for the relationships, but the drinking makes it near impossible. Sometimes you try and fall short or fail miserably. Sometimes you push them away because you know it won't work because your drink. And sometimes you just want the whole world to go away and leave you alone.
Just my experience, others may differ.
There is also a self-hatred and embarrassment of knowing you should and could quit, but once again you don't. This is compounded by the frustration from the eternal dream of being able to figure out normal drinking. There is also the perplexing reaction to reject help and deny the problem, even though it is exactly what you had been hoping for up until the very point it was offered.
As far as relationships go, you know that you should be there for the relationships, but the drinking makes it near impossible. Sometimes you try and fall short or fail miserably. Sometimes you push them away because you know it won't work because your drink. And sometimes you just want the whole world to go away and leave you alone.
Just my experience, others may differ.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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As my husband describes it half of his drinking life was fun and then half was madness. Once he became physically dependent on alcohol he got angry and every day was groundhog day. Going to sleep saying "that's it tomorrow I am NOT drinking" then waking at 4 am and having to take a gulp of something because he was sick. Then drinking all day and being pissed off because he was doing it. Again.
I figure he stayed in that cycle for a good 8 to 10 years. In that period of his life there isn't much to say I don't know a lot about it because I think he doesn't remember anything beyond little snippets that are significant like someone died or he lost a business. When he describes his life its like reading a preview of the book on the internet you get to page 100 and then it skips to page 240.
So the best I can describe via him is its like any person who has to do something they don't want to, something that causes tremendous stress, something that has to be acknowledged you can't not deal with it even though you hope it just goes away. There doesn't seem to be answer. Unlike a situational example there is no resolve to it (in their minds) because you have tried to quit 100x and failed. The obsession of it is all day long 24/7 you take the drink and say "this is it today", get relief for an hour or so, then start the fight all over again. He was on autopilot his brain was always arguing drink/not drink and there was no room to focus on work, relationship, family or any other interest. For him he finally just accepted that he was the terminally unique alcoholic that it was ok that he drank because he needed to at that point. He didn't consider himself an alcoholic anymore he moved booze into a food group and stopped obsessing about quitting. That's when the train went off the rails.
I figure he stayed in that cycle for a good 8 to 10 years. In that period of his life there isn't much to say I don't know a lot about it because I think he doesn't remember anything beyond little snippets that are significant like someone died or he lost a business. When he describes his life its like reading a preview of the book on the internet you get to page 100 and then it skips to page 240.
So the best I can describe via him is its like any person who has to do something they don't want to, something that causes tremendous stress, something that has to be acknowledged you can't not deal with it even though you hope it just goes away. There doesn't seem to be answer. Unlike a situational example there is no resolve to it (in their minds) because you have tried to quit 100x and failed. The obsession of it is all day long 24/7 you take the drink and say "this is it today", get relief for an hour or so, then start the fight all over again. He was on autopilot his brain was always arguing drink/not drink and there was no room to focus on work, relationship, family or any other interest. For him he finally just accepted that he was the terminally unique alcoholic that it was ok that he drank because he needed to at that point. He didn't consider himself an alcoholic anymore he moved booze into a food group and stopped obsessing about quitting. That's when the train went off the rails.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 273
I think every alcoholic has their own "story." Our stories may turn into the same behaviors at the end but we are not "all the same" even though it seems like it. I will type up my own story today and share it later. I will say right off however that I was a social drinker for MANY years with no issues. I became an alcoholic at age 44 and had a four year active addiction. I have now been sober four 14 months. My triggering events were: a crisis pregnancy at age 35 and placing that child for adoption, a marriage that never quite healed after that, dealing with infertility prior to then conceiving a second child that we are raising, and a cancer diagnosis two years ago. All along the underlying fissure that occured in my marriage that never healed after relinquishing a child had never been fixed and I felt VERY lonely and divorce given the fact we were now raising a young child seemed out of the question. I drank to COPE. It was a temporary "fix" for a series of events that were completely overwhelming to me. I will post a more comprehensive view of my life during addiction later. Heck I may update the long dormant blog that I haven't touched in a solid six months and put it there and share the link.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Reflections JANUARY 5
TOTAL ACCEPTANCE
He cannot picture life without alcohol Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it.
Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end.
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 152
Only an alcoholic can understand the exact meaning of a statement like this one. The double standard that held me captive as an active alcoholic also filled me with terror and confusion: "If I don't get a drink I'm going to die," competed with "If I continue drinking it's going to kill me."
Both compulsive thoughts pushed me ever closer to the
bottom. That bottom produced a total acceptance of my alcoholism—with no reservations whatsoever—and one that was absolutely essential for my recovery. It was a dilemma unlike anything I had ever faced, but as I found out later on, a necessary one if I was to succeed in
this program.
TOTAL ACCEPTANCE
He cannot picture life without alcohol Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it.
Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end.
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 152
Only an alcoholic can understand the exact meaning of a statement like this one. The double standard that held me captive as an active alcoholic also filled me with terror and confusion: "If I don't get a drink I'm going to die," competed with "If I continue drinking it's going to kill me."
Both compulsive thoughts pushed me ever closer to the
bottom. That bottom produced a total acceptance of my alcoholism—with no reservations whatsoever—and one that was absolutely essential for my recovery. It was a dilemma unlike anything I had ever faced, but as I found out later on, a necessary one if I was to succeed in
this program.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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This is a great question. I found the thread you started in the other forum on your page 5. This was part of one persons answer that I thought was great
on my side of the fence: My favorite passage from Melody Beattie's Language of Letting Go.
on my side of the fence: My favorite passage from Melody Beattie's Language of Letting Go.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
This is a great question. I found the thread you started in the other forum on your page 5. This was part of one persons answer that I thought was great
on my side of the fence: My favorite passage from Melody Beattie's Language of Letting Go.
on my side of the fence: My favorite passage from Melody Beattie's Language of Letting Go.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: SE USA
Posts: 599
I could write a journal but the best answer for you might be to read the AA Big Book. It pretty well covers it. You can find free PDF versions online. It describes the end days as complete and incomprehensible demoralization which is accurate in my case. I honestly would not wish alcoholism on my worst enemy and if they were in it's grips would do anything I could do to help them even though I hated them. That's how bad it is.
Sick, sick, sick. Thanks for posting this because I went deep into the thoughts of what my bottom was and I need a good reminder sometimes. It actually gave me chills just thinking about it. Thanks for keeping me sober today.
Sick, sick, sick. Thanks for posting this because I went deep into the thoughts of what my bottom was and I need a good reminder sometimes. It actually gave me chills just thinking about it. Thanks for keeping me sober today.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 36
It is impossible to understand. To me it looks like being a hostage with Stockholm syndrome. A prisoner who loves their captor. You know you are trapped, time is passing, you are getting older, everyone and everything around you is slipping away and yet you are mesmerised and hypnotised by your prison.
Baffling is the right word for those looking in from the outside.
Does anyone ever think they are wasting their life?
Baffling is the right word for those looking in from the outside.
Does anyone ever think they are wasting their life?
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