thotful

Many of us are estranged from family members for our own various reasons, many of which contain the word "toxic".

My latest thread got me to thinking.

I would love to hear about the various "unhelpful" (nauseating, annoying, just plain ignorant) things that SR members are told by strangers, family members, friends in relation to your estrangement (from mom, sister, brother, father, husband/wife, etc)

I'll start with two.

1. Life is too short to be on the outs with someone

2. your family will always be there

Both infuriating! :P

Other "unhelpful" advice about estrangement?

Spacegoat

Here's a couple off the bat:


1. Your poor mother


(I'm not railing on her, maybe that's true. I haven't gone into our relationship in any detail yet on here or elsewhere. It causes me great distress. But, for a stranger to say that to me is just plain wrong)


2. Your siblings are normal


(This one is from a girl I dated briefly. She has never met any of them, nor did I ask for her advice or opinion on anything. So, the only inference is that I'm not normal. Gee thanks, we knew that already)



F U R Y

Kialua

"Your (alcoholic) parent did the best they could."

We had a couple threads on that one just recently.

tromboneliness

Ya -- this is precisely the problem!



T

thotful

Yes, one person said to me, "when things get rough, your brothers will be there for you"

Yuck...

How about now? things are rough right stinkin' now, and I need my two siblings to "be there" NOW. Not "only" when I have cancer, or liver problems, or something tangible. Because if they support me then...well, I would be willing to bet it would be more about their image. They care more about the image.

Since our infertility, my sobriety, and dealing with emotional abuse are less obvious things, their image probably won't take much of a beating if they aren't there for support. Which is probably why several got really pissed when I talked openly about feeling abandoned with their abusive behavior (I was "bashing their image").

They really aren't there for me now. So, why would I want them around when I'm physically ill?

Spacegoat

I misread the OP. Mine were IRL, not here on SR. Good thread though

berryfines

"But it's your mom."
"You're her only child and she needs you"
"You just need to get her help"


Even people that know I don't speak to her on the regular still ask me every time they see me how she's doing. When I reply I don't know...they look at me as though I have two heads.

thotful

Stratman1, I intended it to be statements made IRL.


In a grocery store:
"Hey, thotful, how's your brother doing?"

"I don't hear from him much"

"I saw him and his kids the other day and ...."

(ugh, please get me out of here!) <-- inside thotful's brain

NWGRITS

"Blood is thicker than water." Scientifically speaking, yes. From a sociological standpoint, nopeitynopenopenope.

"Aren't you going to feel awful if she dies and you weren't there for her?" Nope. Had time to process that mourning years ago. It'll save me the cost of a plane ticket, too.

"Have y'all tried talking to her?" Till we were blue in the face. If talking cured alcoholism and NPD, I'd have had that done a decade or so ago.

"Are you sure you didn't just imagine all that stuff? She's such a wonderful mother." *cue projectile vomiting* You never had to live with her, so kindly get your nose out of my business.

thotful

"we just have to learn to accept one another for who we are...as we are."

wait...are you talking to me? I can accept a person and love them, but I don't have to accept abusive behavior. Wait...let me take your advice and put myself in a cage with a polar bear and say, "well, when I get mauled...it's what the polar bear is..I should accept it for being as it is - in it's nature." Instead of accepting the bear as it is, and STAYING AWAY! :P

"your family has always been full of love and would never intentionally harm you."

I'm sorry, but some people behave differently behind closed doors when no one is looking. You're just plain wrong on this one. Guess what thotful's great evil thing to do was? Place the abuse OUT IN THE OPEN. Many of my family have hated the exposure. In my opinion, darkness will die in the light. If they truly felt good about how they treated me, they would have no problem with people knowing the things they've said to me and my precious wife. oh wait, you don't want them to know you called her crazy? you don't want them to know you call me the lazy and stubborn one of the family? that I have no friends? Sorry, your guilt and feelings of shame aren't my problem.

Stung

"Blood is thicker than water" is the one I hear the most. If kind of baffles my mind that anyone ever thinks it's appropriate to say that to someone else (would they say that to someone who was adopted? NO!) However, I'm sure it appears to others that I'm holding a grudge against my mother, the reality is that I have experienced enough insults and pain and manipulation from her to know that she isn't really capable of showing me much more than that. She'll always be my mom, but as an adult I don't need to carry on a relationship with her. Relationships, ALL relationships, are a two way street.

From my RAH "she's not a bad person" no, she's not a bad person - there are some good pieces about her personality. Very few people are ALL bad. However, having her in my life isn't good for me. And if it's not good for me then that isn't good for my kids either. It's funny, the further away we get from her tirades the more and more she gets to play victim. Everyone is behind my decision right after an attack from her but then eventually they expect me to "get over it" and go back for more. No thanks.

ajarlson

Yep Stung, I relate with that. Like we're just supposed to forget everything that happened. And yet we did keep going back for a very long time (most of us) and it never changed. How is that different from leaving an abusive (emotionally or physically) spouse?
So glad I got out.