ipaidwithmylife

I'm so weak: I drank yesterday, not too much, but still: I drank. The reason: I'm still not over my first love and was invited to that person's wedding yesterday. Since we're pretty close, I couldn't find it in my heart to not go. It was terrible watching her stroll down the isle and telling someone else she loved him. I know when you love someone, you should be happy that they're happy, but I'm pretty selfish when it comes to that, I guess.

I try to control my stupid, immature jealousy, because her husband truly is a great and witty guy, but I'm often unsuccesful, yet I always keep it to myself(luckily). So, long story short, I got buzzed at the reception and then went home, where I cried myself to sleep. I've been in love with this person for years and it just stings, I thought I was over them, but it turns out I'm not.

The other aspect of the issue: it's a she, obviously and guess what? I'm a she as well. Yup, I'm attracted to my own damn sex and I never really learned to cope with that either. Especially since I have such low self-esteem. I just want to be like everyone else: talk about guys, be in love with GUYS, but it's not working out. I can find them attractive and sexy, mind you, but love or even a crush... no, sir.

I just... I need healthy ways to deal with this, but I... I'm so down, I just feel like my life's a waste. I can't even have ONE healthy relationship. I'm almost 22 years old and I've never even kissed anyone. How pathetic is that? When I tell anyone I'm a virgin, they probably won't want to be with me, in the first place.

I'm sorry, I just needed to spill this. I am trying to be strong, but it's so incredibly hard...

Dee74

Hi ipaid

you're 22 - your life is far from over...in many ways it's just beginning

You're probably not as uncommon as you think either.
I was a lot older than 22 before things like first kiss and sex happened for me.

there's absolutely no reason why you can't beat this addiction, sort out your self esteem issues and go on to a long and happy life with the right someone.

But..you need to put the effort in. I think you're worth it

D

Soberwolf

I totally agree with D hang in there Paid

Pipedreamer

Dee said it perfectly. Learn to love who you are. You are beautiful, you are witty.
The right person will love your differences, not love you in spite of them. Don't sell yourself short, but remember things don't just magically happen, like Dee said, you do have to put in the work.

Anna

Ah, Paid, you are like everybody else in that you want to fall in love and be cared for. We'd all like that. And, have faith that you will fall in love and that person will be worth waiting for.

Kris47

A big ole Hug for you Ipaid,

For now, just be good to yourself, kind and gentle. Congrats on your sobriety. You are a strong young lady to be able to post your reality. You are also young and the world is still out there waiting for you. Things change from moment to moment. Take time to just be happy with you and get to know yourself. You might be surprised at what a catch you'll be to someone who loves you for you.

MythOfSisyphus

Give yourself a break, ipaidwithmylife. You're still young! It's not all that uncommon to have little dating experience at your age. I was a late bloomer and painfully shy around girls when I was younger. That's a big reason I took to alcohol like a duck takes to water- it helped me overcome my awkwardness. Of course over time it got out of hand.

It's not strange either to be attracted to your own sex. However you self identify it's not wrong or weird! In the US where I live it's become legal almost everywhere to marry a person of either sex.

I know it's hard to deal with those feelings of unrequited love. My ex-GF and I broke up but remained good friends and hung out all the time. Eventually she met someone and got married. It hit me like a physical blow. On the one hand I was happy that she was happy but I guess a part of me never really admitted to myself that I still loved her.

For now, just work on your sobriety! I won't say everything will work itself out but things get a lot easier when you ditch all the drama of booze. As time goes on you will get in touch with who you really are.

Hang in there, ipaidwithmylife. It will get better. You'll see!

TroyW

If it helps you any, I'm gay as well. Don't fret so much, it's not that bad. I can totally understand how it can be tough at times, but don't worry, there is good times to be had, if you let yourself have them.

Have you considered going to any of the LGBT meetings / groups in your city? Never know who you might meet.

Remember, there's probably tons of 22yo lesbians going through exactly what you are right now, and would give anything to have someone to hug and be hugged back by. Put yourself out there, it may surprise you.

ipaidwithmylife

Hey, thanks everyone. You all made the pain a little more bearable. I'm just soo dissapointed in myself: I hadn't drank for 3 months and 2 weeks and with one night it all went to waste. I so want to be healthy again and am still nursing a hang-over. Anyone has any good tips to treat yourself, right after you had another binge?

Pipping

Distraction worked for me. I used to watch comedies, nothing too heavy, keep hydrated, eat what you feel like and moisturise your skin. Change the sheets on your bed to fresh ones and plan something nice to do for yourself this week. Take care and big hugs to you. Given the circumstances I would say that the wedding could have been a lot worse for you if you had really cut loose. Although you drank it seems you had some semblance of control.

MythOfSisyphus

First, commit to getting back on that horse. Your sober time didn't vanish just because you drank. Get back to sobriety. Recognize that trigger and don't let the same one trip you up again.

Next I'd recommend something active. Do something physical. It will help your body and your mood. I got a gym membership and lift weights for example.

Midton

Yeah, get straight back into sobriety and with time your self-esteem will increase and you'll start to feel better about who you really, really are.

Sending you a hug too

Berrybean

*Hug*. Awww - read a most brilliant (fictional) book last weekend about a teenage girl coming to terms with the same issues. I can't remember the last time a book made me cry so much!

Everything you're going through - the sexuality / sex relationships, esteem issues, etc. are all things that can be helped by working on your sobriety you know. I would suggest making keeping sober your top priority for now. Once you've got stable on that, then everything else can follow. One sure thing though - alcohol will NOT make this better. It only alters our perception of reality while we are drunk. When we sober up, there is that reality, back to bite us on the bum, and we are even less equipped to deal with it than before: hungover; feeling silly or humiliated or guilty (depending on what we did / didn't do because of our drunk); and less and less in touch with our real selves and feelings than we were before.

Take care of yourself; stay sober; and keep an eye out for those HALT triggers (Hungry; Angry; Lonely; Tired). xx

Soberwolf

Heres help with a plan Paid http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html