beachygirl

Three weeks ago my best friend of 5 years and lover of a few months decided to dump me for a drug chick back in his home town and has probably gotten back into that horrible world. He is a long time user and former meth cook.

A week ago he needed my help and called asking for my forgiveness and declaring his love and hope that we could always be friends, if nothing else. Now he is at a point he will not even acknowledge my existence, and if he does it is very negative towards me.

I know I should thank him and God for the bullet I dodged, but it hurts so badly and I cannot understand why he is behaving this way. He accused me of holding on to an unhealthy relationship...wtf!

Can anyone offer any support to make this make sense...please?

suki44883

You cannot make sense out of addiction. You will drive yourself crazy if you keep trying. He is an addict. He uses people. He has used you. It isn't personal. It has nothing at all to do with you.

Active addicts like to be around other active addicts. It makes them feel normal. Being around someone who doesn't have an addiction gets in the way of their high. He may call again, but it will only be because he needs something. I hope you will block him from your phone and any other communication device. He is not relationship material in any way.

waywardson8260

Being with an addict is bad if you are trying to stay sober. Suki's advice is spot on!

allmirages

I agree with Suki and feel the same is true even when they are newly sober. The same thing recently happened to me. My x was a H addict, completed rehab, then cut me out of his life the day I took him to his sober house. His new circle of people consists of the newly sober people he met in rehab and AA meetings. They have a lot of common ground; been active addicts, hurt people, lied, stole, many have criminal charges, etc. they all relate to each other. The scary thing is they are all just one bad decision away from using until they are committed to rigorously working their program. He cut me off in a very cold, callous way after I stood by his side for support for many years. I've tried to wrap my head around why he did what he did and how he did it, etc. and finally accept nothing he does will ever make sense. He's an addict....period.

One word of caution...any blame he places on you can be considered "gaslighting". I've also been warned that eventually my x may contact me when he NEEDS something...because that what he did...he used me for all he got. That's how it feels, anyway. That's how many addicts act..they always need someone to enable them. And, he may just want to keep you around in case he needs you in the future, hard to say. But, trust your instincts....they won't lie.

I can also tell you, even when an addict is newly sober, it's not like they automatically go back to being the people they were before they were using drugs. I know it's hard but try to focus on yourself, and your healing. I don't know your whole story, if you go to Alanon or other support groups but they can be a good place of support, along with SR. There are people there that have gone through what you have and can help you to find focus on your life. Reinforce that it isn't you...and to not take it personal. Even when it feels very personal. We are here for support, as well. Take care!

beachygirl

Thanks for all your replies. I have tried to rationalize this in my head knowing he is an addict and is unstable, but it hurts nonetheless! I wish I could convince myself to let go and and accept what my brain knows. Suggestions?

suki44883

The best way to let go is to just block him and have absolutely NO contact with him in any way, shape or form. Do not let anyone tell you anything about what is going on with him. Go deaf, mute, and blind where he is concerned. The longer you go without any contact with him or information about him, the more clearly things will become for you. It takes time away from the dysfunction in order to realize just how bad the situation was. Give yourself that time.

beachygirl

I need to block him on FB and every other way possible but when someone has been a part of your life you feel almost guilty excising him from my life...even though he did that to me! I have started seeing a therapist again and ai hope we can have a breakthrough soon. It sucks to be an intelligent woman with a life full of choices that is doubting her self worth! Sadly, once I love you I love you, regardless! Just wish he still felt I was worth his time and worth the effort to change his life.

suki44883

Again, his addiction and all that that entails has nothing at all to do with you. An addict cannot recover for someone else; they have to do it because they think THEY are worth it. They have to do it for themselves. Otherwise, the "recovery" is too tentative. It would depend on things being consistently good with the person for whom they are trying to recover.

beachygirl

Things were good until he left but I could tell he was getting the "itch" to use again. It wasn't long after he went home that he used meth. He called and told me that he had used but he has now sunk so low. I just want this nightmare to end!

JOIE12

the truth is .... your nightmare is over, if you want it to be. He left to use. That's the greater nightmare. Please take care of yourself, mourn the loss and find what makes you happy in your life. You can do this. I had to think of the loss as a gift, that he did me a favor.

allmirages

Thank you Joie...I am still struggling with getting over how my ex cut me out when he was around 4 months sober. Even though he's still sober today...almost 7months now, I know by his actions that I am better off. I will try to think of it as a gift, maybe that will help. I know that's truly what it is, my heart just doesn't want to let go. But, I know I must.

beachygirl

It is hard to let go. I see that a future together would have been filled with more of this grief so better to be done now, but I had not planned on ever having to experience this with him. I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, or so I thought, that he loved me. Now I question my own instincts and wonder if the last 5 years were all a joke...

zoso77

Sure. He's an addict. This is what addicts do.

Sounds too simple, doesn't it? Maybe at first. When we expend a lot of energy trying to figure out an addict behaves the way they do, we often get stuck ourselves. In my case, I trained myself to answer why my AXGF behaved the way she did with, She's an addict, this is what addicts do.

It's got the benefit of being true. It's got the benefit of being short and sweet. And it's got the benefit of stopping me when I'm going down a rabbit hole I shouldn't go down.

Your ex is an addict. This is what addicts do.

CarmenLove

Beachygirl,

That is EXACTLY my experience!

It's mind bending isn't it.

I choose to believe he did love me, however as Zoso says he is an addict. And this is what addicts do.

JOIE12

It's strange in the way that most can vacillate between not leaving and at other times - disappearing. Each day can bring a new heartache.

I know mine loved me. As best he could. Sometimes he did things that were so hurtful. I knew in the end that I had to be the one to walk away, to save myself and find sanity again. I don't know how it would have worked out since he passed away the night I left, but I prayed with all that I have for God to help keep me away.

We understand how difficult it is. I can only suggest that you mourn the loss of the person that you love and the broken promises and a lost future with him but in all of that find the peace that you do not need to babysit any longer.

when I first found SR, the very first two things that I read were: don't take it personal. The addict doesn't do it TO you, they just do it. AND - - as what zoso writes - that's what addicts do. It won't heal your heart, only time will do that but if you repeat it each time you feel sad, and ask for strength - you will get thru this.

There is someone wonderful out there, someone who doesn't need you to fix them. Doesn't need money, food, drugs, or a place to live. He won't take from your life.

I found so much peace and can relax. My body and mind are healing. My heart - a little slower but we will get there won't we ?

hugs for you BEACHYGIRL, SUKI44883, ALLMIRAGES, CARMENLOVE, WAYWARDSON8260 and ZOSO ! You're all amazing people

Jorgenss

I have spent three months trying to figure out why and reading all of our posts. Yes, it's what they do. Soon, you will find solace in life becoming more normal. You will be able to relax and enjoy life without worrying about how or what the addict is going to react/respond.

I am early in recovery, this group is wonderful, and all of our hearts are healing, slowly, but healing.

Hugs!!!