ASPD

Hi to everybody,

I've read this forum for a while and decided this would be a good moment to stop lurking and introduce myself, as well as asking for some advise on the situation I'm currently in. I'd like to start by saying that I am amazed and truly thankful to all the forum members that shared their story, their lives and their thoughts here. You've built an amazing community and your support can be felt not only directly to the people you directly provide it to, but also to many others, who just like me are not actively participating but nevertheless face the same trouble in life.

I have a boyfriend who's an alcoholic. We're together for almost 2 years now and he drank heavily most of the time - up until January. During this time, we had many problems almost exclusively related to the alcohol, we split up once and in couple occasions it almost happened. He also made attempts to do something about it, mainly trying to drink moderately which failed each time. In January, following a series of extremely unpleasant situations and my refusal to continue the relationship in these conditions, he gave up and agreed to start therapy, something he was very opposed to for a long time. He now goes to therapy once a week (to a counselor specialized in substance abusers) and has been sober for nearly 3 months now and I am really proud of him.

I don't even know where to begin. I wish I can explain how this was for us, though probably here people know better than everyone else. In a way it's even embarrassing to write as I know how much more difficult is for many of the forum members, having kids in the middle, being physically abused, getting their money stolen, their stuff broken and their lives ruined. We did not have any of this but it was still painful and desperate - for both of us - sometimes beyond description. I come from a family with substantial alcohol. Had a hard childhood and teenage years where the alcohol abuse at home was followed by more bad stuff, that I don't want to get into. In addition, last 7-8 years I was diagnosed as bipolar. My boyfriend, on the other hand had some troubled past himself and different, but equally traumatic experiences in life. He drank to the point of alcoholism for over 10 years. We're both scarred, traumatized and VERY emotionally unstable. It's like the perfect couple in reverse - but we do care immensely for each other.

Tbh I'm doing a bit better now as I had years to work on myself while unfortunately he has been numbing himself for years, which left him with little to no way of dealing with his issues once the liquor wears off. As I said, he does goes to therapy and did stop drinking, but what happens now is that I see how he grows angrier and evidently does not know how to deal with it. I think most of the time he is just upset with himself, but a lot of this anger is directed at me as well. Don't get me wrong, he's not mistreating me or anything, in fact he is a truly gentle soul (when sober; like my relatives, his drunkenness is quasi-schizophrenically) But I see this rage building and he while he admitted it to some point when confronted, it's nowhere near its ful extent, nor he has any idea how to handle it. I don't have either and I am utterly scared. Most of the time when he snaps I hold myself because I know where it comes from and I try not to take it personally, yet sometimes I also snap and he's finding himself not in the position of fighting his own anger and calming mine. This makes me feel really awful. He puts so much effort and I realize how important it is to have somebody who is supporting you in the process and I feel so guilty when I fail to do that. Not only I snap back, but I don't have any idea how to help him dealing with this overwhelming negative feelings. His therapist should, but apparently this is not happening. I know there is an AA group in my country which would probably help, but he wouldn't go for various reasons. I also know he won't be able to face this for a long time and if he doesn't find a way to address his core issues, he'll relapse.

It's a very long post and I'm sorry if I rambled a lot, I'm just getting so desperate. We love each other deeply and we can't stand anymore what we're doing to one another.

I would appreciate ANY help, any suggestion as to what we could do, both of us. I want to be able to support him better so any read in this regard would help me and/or if there is anything he can do please, just write it. I will be really thankful to any thoughts here.

Thank you all and have a lovely weekend

Duckygirl1

Welcome! So glad you found us. You sound like a level headed person who is aware of some very serious problems. But when the heart is involved, even the level headed can go a bit awry. There is an old saying, two stickies don't make a wellie. You both have serious issues to work on and it sounds like though you care about it other, you are a potentially volatile mix. You see the storm clouds coming or you wouldn't be here.

Have you considered a separation? It doesn't have to be forever, but it sounds like you need space to heal. Right now you're issues are feeding off of each other in a negative way. "Gentle soul when he's sober" means alcholic. Alcholic means sick. If you love him, give him time to heal and give yourself time too. Together you focus on each other when you need to focus on yourselves. That's why you're not really strong enough to support him properly. Sometimes love means letting go.

Keep reading, keep posting! We are here for you!

cookiesncream

Though I'm the one in recovery in my situation the fact he isn't learning new ways of handling his anger with his therapist is concerning to me. Three months isn't very long in the world of sobriety. I will say that while I attended a three month intensive outpatient rehab last year that there was a session on anger management each week. I faced many issues but anger wasn't my particular one. However this was such a common thing in addiction that they set aside a whole session every week for this very topic. If his therapist isn't dealing with this I have concerns about what he is getting out of this since that is a rather important thing. Have you considered couples counseling in addition to your individual counseling to tackle this issue? Another thing I would strongly suggest is getting your hands on the book/series of books by Henry Cloud. Google boundaries and Henry Cloud and there is a whole series. While it is Christian based there is so much value in those books that the religious aspect can easily be skipped over.

In my relationship it is my non-alcoholic partner who has been prone to rages and I have tended to retreat much to my own detriment. He is very active in Al-Anon but as I progress in my own recovery I'm realizing how my own failure to set boundaries led to my addiction in the first place. I strongly suggest reading at least one of them. They are available in a number of formats. I think the suggestions in them would serve you, and anybody out there on either side of the addiction fence, well. In fact in my own recovery group I will be starting a book study on this very topic.

You are correct however. If an alcoholic never deals with the issues that led to their addiction the potential for relapse is VERY high.

Best of luck to you,

Cookies

CodeJob

Welcome to SR ASPD!

Thank you for posting and sharing your story!

I think some As do well finding a healthier obsession. Would he be open if you bought him a memoir about As working through their issues via running? I didn't find the one I've heard about, but one I saw on Goodreads is Running Ransom Road. I personally run while in crisis as it helps exhaust me so I can sleep. I'm not good at it, so while doing it I have to concentrate on running. That clears my mind. It funnels my negative emotions in a healthier way. It also gives me a reason to go off and get away from my RAH.

The other thing I have incorporated into my life that has helped me a lot is meditation. Learning to give my mind a break has led to many calmer moments and reactions in my life.

I'm far enough along to see that the same interventions work for Codies and addicts. Your partner needs to find what can work for him to work out his aggressions in an acceptable way. But I think if he listens to you, you could offer him a book? But this is not you running with him...

Peace!

brightdaysahead

I agree with Cookies. I think couples counseling in addition to individual therapy (for each of you) would be beneficial. In the very least, the couples counseling might give both of you better tools to handle disagreements and arguments with one another. Here's an example of how counseling has helped my husband and me so far.

We've only started marriage counseling three weeks ago. He's 90 days sober. Anyway, during one session, we unpacked a recent disagreement. I thought, for sure, my husband handled it incorrectly. What I learned... While my husband did indeed handle it incorrectly, I contributed to the heated conversation as well. It was so subtle - I didn't even know I did it. I didn't give him the benefit of doubt. I was quick to distrust him (given all his dishonesty with alcoholism). In this particular instance, he only had the best of intentions, but I chose to see it differently.

Sometimes, it's the subtle stuff - that can unknowingly enter into the mix and wreck more havoc...if one isn't careful.

Anyway, I hope this is helpful to you. I wish you the best. Keep us posted.

happybeingme

Hi and welcome. Supporting him in his recovery does not mean putting up with his rages or not fighting back. Nor does it mean finding solutions to his problems. I had problems with rage long before I became an alcoholic. Anger and rage are common symptoms of depression though a lot of people don't know that. Medication and CBT ( cognitive behavior techniques or therapy) have completely eliminated those from my life.

He should definitely talk to his therapist about this and I strongly suggest that the next time he directs his anger at you just calmly say " I don't deserve this and I will not put up with it" and leave the room.

He really should try to connect with others like himself. Try to encourage him to at least look for online support.

lillamy

I'm glad you're here -- welcome!

It occurs to me as you tell your story that maybe in addition to the F&F board (here) you might find some good thoughts and relatable stories on the ACOA board? Children who grow up in alcoholic homes do tend to have unhealthy coping mechanisms and recognizing and identifying them might be helpful to you: Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

There was also an old post pulled up on the board this morning that might be helpful as well: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-yourself.html

ASPD

Hi again

Thank you all for taking the time to reply, I found some really good points here. I don't think separation would work for us, not from his prospective. Since we did it once and I threatened couple of times to leave, I think he'd perceive it as punishment and/or abandonment. Unlike me, he has very little support network; he has almost no family and most of the people who surrounded him were drinking buddies. This means most of the time he's communicating with me alone (beyond small talk I mean). I would love for him to get there and try to have more people in his life (with or without similar issues) but he's rather introvert and have a very hard time connecting with people. This excludes not only AA but online communities as well, at least for now.

I have found wise and useful inputs in your posts. I believe we'll try to use most of the things you suggested (aside from leaving each other) I have already considered couple therapy on my own, but thought that perhaps is too soon and would interfere with his other process of working on himself. Btw it's great to see so many of you try to address their couple issues, instead of just fighting or leaving. It brings me hope I will also check the books cookiesncream recommended for sure and I hope the summer will bring him opportunities to "obsess" indeed in something healthier, like any kind of physical activity. And thank you for the direction lillamy - I didn't even know this was such a major issue that it had a sub-forum itself. I also appreciate the boundery suggestion from happybeingme, this is something I need to give a lot of thought. I guess it's rather hard for me to react in the way you suggested (though I realize it's the best thing to do) as in some ways, I still see it as abandonment. I know is incorrect, yet I can't help but relate to these moments of "bad mood" because sometimes I get them myself (though they're mostly depressive) and I always feel that asserting myself in these situations would be like I say - it's your problem, deal with it and don't involve me. I guess it's a delicate matter and requires more emotional education that i have right now.

Thank you once again, I'l; certainly keep reading here!

BlueChair

Hi ASPD,

I have found with the counseling it takes time. My husband has been dealing with his addiction with the help of counseling from an addiction doc too. I used one to help me work through a lot of my emotions related to stuff that happened when he was using. The doctor was great but it also just took me time to process things and work through it. My brain could only go so fast I guess. Ha! I think hes on the right track though, sounds like u both are. I also suggest couples counseling. My husband and I started it through his rehab, it was considered a part of his treatment, family behavioral therapy. Its been so good for us! My husband has learned to communicate more of his feelings since all the behavioral work began. It reminds me of what you said about your bf being somewhat introverted, uncomfortable with his feelings. My husband kept a lot in starting when he was a kid, it affected how he coped with stress and pressure from his work, and ultimately led to the escape with substances.

I know sometimes there is a limit on how much therapy a person can get in say a month. If you guys arent familiar with it, you might want to check out Smart Recovery. They use behavioral tools and a lot can be found online. You can listen in on meetings and not participate, but just learn how others use the tools to help with emotions, anger, motivation. Their online site offers lots of discussion too. Im familiar with it because I was introduced to it by someone here at SR and I learn things just from reading. I also like their family program. You might want to check it out, they combine their tools with the CRAFT approach. Its very family friendly, and I like it because it focuses a lot on communication and helped me navigate situations when my husbands anxiety was real bad last year due to PAWS. There are several good books on Community Reinforcement And Family Training too.

Good luck to both of you.

firebolt

BlueChair - thanks for the info on Craft and Smart recovery. Alanon is talked about so much, (and it has helped me too) but it is good to know of other options! I read a book you recommended not long ago - EXTREMELY helpful!

cookiesncream

I guess I would just add a few other things. Co-dependency and alcoholics go together like bread and butter. It really and truly is not healthy for your better half to be dependent on you to meet all of his emotional needs. He really really needs to find some outside group for support. He may be shy but I would continue to strongly encourage him in that direction. Alcoholics anonymous is not the only online recovery group available. As others have said SMART recovery has an online group with online meetings via chat. I found my recovery home in a womens group called Women For Sobriety. There are plenty of newcomers that come to nightly chat meetings that just LISTEN. Nobody requires them to do or say anything. I believe SMART recovery has a similar format. My husband for years relied upon me to be his prime emotional support and when a series of events (not addiction on my part, that came later) led me to not be emotionally available he suffered greatly.

Recovery takes a lot of time. I am now 14 months sober and it has taken 14 months of hubbie regularly attending Al-Anon meetings and my attending my recovery group to start making true progress. Rome wasn't built in a day and sadly neither is recovery. You didn't cause his addiction but dysfunctional relationship patterns are a two way street. You're both going to have to work hard to break them.

ASPD

cookiesncream, I'm very far away from the idea that this is a healthy behavior. Believe me, I don't enjoy the thought of being his only source of emotional support, especially considering that sometimes I'm exhibiting depressive patterns - this is also one of the reasons I feel guilt; it's makes me unreliable. The thing is that he's not just shy but also a tad asocial. Nevertheless I should just try harder to encourage him to connect with other people (I did aks couple of times people from my surroundings to help here, but you know what - it still feels like he's interacting with me). I'm sorry to hear about what happened with your husband, but on the other hand by what you're saying I feel you identified the problem and started working on it and perhaps even passed beyond it so that is utterly great. I do hope you will keep up with your battle

Bluchair you're making an excellent points by saying about the fact that it requires time. I just feel unsure about how this is going for him since he just keep so much of his emotion suppressed. I guess this is the type of problem you also faced so you know it makes things harder when you have a partner you is not use to communicate. I think my boyfriend shares some traits with your husband and it makes me feel so sad sometimes. Why do we live in a society where men are being forced to oppress and hide their emotions since they are children? Who is this making any favor? It's another subnormal trait of our social thinking and I hope some day people will realize that it's just as freakish as saying women belongs only to housework.

Btw I don't think he'll join the Smart Recovery but I do believe it's an excellent option and I hope more people will read it. I also think there is somebody else around me who can use it.

Anyway, you know, after I read the posts here and in some other treads I have to say I feel optimistic and more confident that if me and my guy work on this, we'll manage to beat the odds which are not in our favor.

Have a lovely Easter and hugs to everybody

cookiesncream

Like to hear your attitude. I decided I was just too darned stubborn to relapse and I was DETERMINED to beat the crappy numbers. I will say that it has been IMMENSELY helpful that hubbie jumped so deeply into his own recovery. He has on more than one occasion said to me that minus the alcohol he exhibits all personality traits of an addict. Owning up his share and working on himself has meant a lot. Its very difficult to change deeply dysfunctional patterns. In our case we are both deeply committed to our own respective recovery programs. Actually in a few months my group has a weekend conference the same weekend Al-Anon has a conference. We are getting childcare for our nine year old and will both be away. Recovery is possible but you both have to want it DEEPLY and commit!