Lorelai

Thinking through something the last couple of days. Would appreciate input.

Drinking is the most important thing in my H's life. That is a statement of fact. Everything in his life either enables him to drink or, at least, allows it.

- He's a construction supervisor so he can keep liquor on the job site. No one he works with sees anything wrong with drinking after work - even during work if it's kept hidden.
- All of his friends drink to excess.
- His hobbies (fishing & hunting) allow drinking.
- He avoids places where he can't drink and people that don't drink.
- Etc, etc, etc.

It is becoming obvious to me that people and things in his life serve one main purpose - make it convenient to drink, make it seem OK to drink.

So, what is his reason for wanting to stay with me?
I don't seem to fulfill any purpose in his drive to continue drinking.

The only answers I can come up with are these: He stays with me because he feels that, if he has a wife and children and the appearance of a "normal" life, this enables him to believe that his drinking can't be that bad.

Or, he thinks that I am a smart, logical person and a good mother. He believes that as long as he is with me, it's proof to him that his lifestyle is OK.

I'm becoming more and more convinced that he is just using me as another of his tools to continue to do what his addiction tells him. I believe that he loved me at one point but I'm afraid that, at this point, the only force in his life that matters to him is his addiction.

Any thoughts?
Thanks - L

Gabe

Can't answer that one Lorelai, but I can see why you would be asking the question. I came in around 64th on Spicoli's list and I could never figure out why he was still around either when we were together. I'm sure I served some function, I could just never see what it was.
I think some of the answers you came up with might be close to the truth.
Also, him leaving would be supporting the idea that his drinking is a problem and that doesn't work when someone is in denial.

Lorelai

Good old Gabe -
Always there for me.

I guess it just seems like, trying to follow alcoholic logic (as if there were such a thing), that it would be so much easier for him to just leave me and find some woman who thinks he's a blast when he's drinking. Someone who would drink with him all the time.

Maybe it has something to do with change - he hates it. Everything should continue to be the way it always has been - that's his safety zone.

Thanks - L

cwohio

lorelai - i think you nailed it - change is scary - as well all well know.

sometimes just chatting back and forth helps us sort things out - thank goodness for all our friends here at SR!

sometimes just reading the threads and not responding has helped me.

thanks all!!!!!

cwohio

kfa2004

Lorelia,
My H did leave me for "the Woman" who thinks his drinking is fine and she also drinks with him all the time. All the while telling me his drinking and actions were all my fault and as long as he was with me and our kids he would never get ahead.

reading the post on this site for the last week has helped me to know that other people have gone through the same things I have. Hang in there.
Bless you.
Kat

deewv23

You've spoken in your last post what I've been thinking in my messed up head, I mean to the point! May have to add golfing to the list of drinking sports, but you have so summed up my thoughts. I'm finding this forum to be an immediate stress reliever. For awhile now, I've felt so alone. It's a dark life living w/an AH...so dark!

givingup

I would also add that I think alcoholics are basically immature and really want some sort of mother figure as their wife so that they can avoid responsibility and have a soft place to land when things go bad. You don't often hear that an AH has left his wife to go fend for himself, usually they leave because they have found another woman whom they think will make a better mother for them -- someone who will accept their bad behavior, kiss their bruises and make them feel like they are the most important person in the world. I see that immaturity also in the "its all about me" attitude of my AH. He thinks the world revolves around him just like my 12 year old does.

Magichappens

Trying to figure out an alcoholic--- :banghead:
Trying to learn what needs they fulfill for me and if I can get those needs met in a healthier way---
Hugs, Magic

Gracey

I wish I had the right words for you, like you always do for me and so many other people on here........Just know that I am thinking of you and letting you know how important you are here........

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers over the weekend....

cwohio

amen givingup!

Lorelai

Thanks everyone.

I know, Magic, I know. Thanks for reminding me.

However, it helps me sometimes to try to figure out what's behind their thinking. For example, I know that my H spins everything and tries to blame me because his addiction won't allow him to place the blame on the drinking. Once I understood that, it was much easier for me to dismiss what he was saying and to forgive him for saying it.

Once I understand the reason behind the madness, it doesn't have any power over me anymore. I'm just that way.

Of course, I realize that there isn't always a reason behind all of the madness. Those things I have to just let go. I'm just trying to figure out if this is one of those things.
L

kfa2004

Givingup - You said it all.

Kat

luvmyfurbabies

I just asked my A b/f about 10 minutes ago if he had ordered the materials for our new roof. He said, No. I said, "When are you going to order it?" He said, "When I order it". I said, "I've talked to enough brick walls today". Then I left the room. I don't know if that is the beer or just the man but it is soooo frustrating trying to get a straight answer out of him. We have the money, he has his debit card. What the f*** is the problem. I have to wait until HE is ready to do it!!! Never mind that we have needed a new roof for 2 years and it is starting to leak. Sorry had to vent about that. Don't forget the famous Sunday drinking sport -Nascar-. It would be a terrible tragedy if he didn't have enough beer to watch the race. He would sulk all day. But that's not going to happen because I always give in and go get the beer AFTER I get done shopping.

givingup

What would happen if you didn't get the beer? If you didn't take responsibility for the roof?

luvmyfurbabies

givingup, that's a good question. I think the reason I do get the beer is because he is a good person and treats me very well. He is a hard worker (concrete finisher), he never misses work, hands me his paycheck every Thursday, never complains when I shop, never complains about my 2 dogs and 7 (yes 7) cats, he cooks ALOT, doesn't go to bars, tells me I'm beautiful and how much he loves me, never argues with me, and in 9 years has never even yelled at me. A year ago he built a 2-car garage with a mother-in-law apartment so my mom could live next to us and she loves him like a son. About a month ago he let me trade in my 97 Blazer for a 2002 Trailblazer. He makes a lot more money than I do but I spend more of it than he does. I knew he drank when I met him and at first I did try to change him and then realized I couldn't. As far as the roof is concerned there really isn't anything I can do about it until HE is ready to do it so I don't mention it that much. The leak is in his room where his computer and his Nascar stuff is so if it gets ruined it's his fault. I can't take responsibility for his procrastination. How do you analyze that? Am I being a terrible codie? I grew up in a very dysfunctional family so I've never known what a healthy relationship is. He won't admit he is an alcoholic so he's not even close to seeking help. I just live with it. I think I really need to find an Al-Anon meeting.

cwohio

i understand the frustration. there are things that need to be done around here but mine bought a hot tub instead. oh well maybe it's something i can enjoy too when those "moments" come around!!!! lol

cwohio