Need Support Today - Ramblings
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: A very sad place
Posts: 115
Need Support Today - Ramblings
Yesterday was my wedding anniversary, my H and I have been together for 25 years and have 3 kids. One from a previous relationship, a boy who is 26 and two with my H, a boy (15) and a girl (13).
Yesterday was a rough day but in a way I am proud of myself because I made it through with out calling or communicating with my H in any way.
I fell in love with my H I think from the first time I met him. He was a drinker back then but mostly socially. He had a good job, lived in a different state and traveled for business. When we first started dating he would come to my house every weekend always going through Tyler, Texas (the rose capital of Texas) and bringing me at least 2 dozen roses, always different types. We dated like this for about a year, then he moved in with my son (3 yrs) and myself. He was loving and supportive to both of us. I paid the bills because I was the one with the best job. After about 3 years he began hanging out with people who drank a lot and he began drinking more and more and his attitude got worse and worse. Everyone from his past told me that he had a bad temper but for several years I never saw it. To my son and I he was always loving, caring, etc. After about 6 years we bought some property and moved. At this time he had to start paying some of the bills because my salary just couldn't cover everything. At the same time we found out that my son had a learning disability and had to have counseling and tutoring which my mother and I paid for. My H seemed to start pulling away from my son and seemed to begin drinking a lot more only now he was losing his temper all the time and being verbably and sometimes physically abusive. Nothing was ever good enough, and what was worse was you never knew who you were going to get when he walked through the door. For several years I was afraid of him but everytime I thought about leaving he would straighten himself out and pull out the man I fell in love with. This went on for several years with me really believing him when he said I made him do the things he did because I was always making him mad. When my son went into the sixth grade he was diagnosed with School phobia and depression. At this time he and I went into counseling. During the couseling I discovered what living the life we had was doing to my son. At the same time I found out that I was pregnant with my second son. During the pregnancy my H seemed to get better some. After my second son was born I thought things might be better and for a little while they did. Then they got a lot worse especially when our daughter was born. She was injured during birth and had to go back and forth to the hospital several times. When she was three we discovered she had a hearing impairment. She never let it hold her back and still doesn't. Anyway things got really bad with my H and I took the kids and moved out. Again after about six months of his pleading and being the man I fell in love with I let him move back in with us. Again for a while things were better. Then they got a lot worse. I remember one Easter when my son was about 2 and my daughter was a new born we were suppose to go to my Grandmothers in East Texas. My AH had been on a binge for about 3 days and that Saturday he had not come home at all. He walked in as I was loading the baby and my oldest son in the car and took our son away from me and carried him in the house yelling that we were not going anywhere. Needless to say he was scary. I followed him in the house trying to talk to him and get our son who was crying, my H turned on me and slammed me into the wall and was choking me with one hand while holding our son in the other. Anyway things went on sometimes worse and sometimes better but always a roller coaster ride. With all the problems with my son and AH I eventually reached the point where I had nothing left to give either of them. I really thought that I hated my AH until about 4 years ago when I had what I call a minor "breakdown". I realized that my AH was a jerk but I still loved him very much and after all when you take the marriage vows you take them "for better or worse" Well I had the better in the beginning and had sure gone through the worse or at least I thought I had. Anyway for the most part my AH was I guess what you would call a functioning drunk. He very seldom ever missed work because of his drinking. To my knowledge he has never had to suffer any consquences for his drinking or actions while he was drinking. In 2001 he was laid off from the company he where he had worked for 16 years. At this time he began hanging out with his other friends who had been laid off and drinking all day just about every day until in August of last year he was drinking with his friends here (as usual they were all very drunk) and began yelling and cusing at me, threatening to kill me and breaking rails off of our porch. My daughter was standing behind me when this was going on and was terrified. (It is not the first time she had seen him loose it but...) He and his friends left (I really thought about calling the cops and having all three of them picked up because they didn't need to be driving) but I didn't. The next day I called and told him he could not come back here to live until he got himself under control. Well he stayed gone until late October when he came over and told me that He could not love me any longer and that the kids and I were dragging him down and making him do the things he was doing. I know in my head that I didn't hold him down, I didn't make him drink or say all the mean and nasty things he has said but still doubt sometimes Making the right decision to tell him he could not come back until he got some help. He didn't get help he just moved on to his best friends wife (thats who he was staying with while his best friend was working in Austin). She drinks a lot also and actually is one of the people who was always over here drinking. He is still drinking, our kids have to do without their father and I no longer have my H and best friend.
I know you are probably wondering why I ever let it go on so long but I really believed in my H and I remember the loving, caring, supportive person I fell in love with. I know in my heart that that person is still in his body somewhere. He is just really well hidden right now. He has not held a job since being laid off in 2001 and he and "that woman" are living with my H's elderly Mother in Louisiana. He is using his retirement money and in the last couple of years has gone through over half of it. He still pays our house note, but has been using a lot of it to travel from here to there, etc.
I know this is too long. I am really trying to work through some stuff for me like why do I still love him after all of this. Even with the adultry and back stabbing his best friend I still believe the "good" person is inside him somewhere. Will we ever see that part of him again? I realize that right now he is not the man that I fell in love with and married but can't seem to stop loving him anyway. That is the kicker for me at the moment.
Anyway thanks for listening.
Yesterday was a rough day but in a way I am proud of myself because I made it through with out calling or communicating with my H in any way.
I fell in love with my H I think from the first time I met him. He was a drinker back then but mostly socially. He had a good job, lived in a different state and traveled for business. When we first started dating he would come to my house every weekend always going through Tyler, Texas (the rose capital of Texas) and bringing me at least 2 dozen roses, always different types. We dated like this for about a year, then he moved in with my son (3 yrs) and myself. He was loving and supportive to both of us. I paid the bills because I was the one with the best job. After about 3 years he began hanging out with people who drank a lot and he began drinking more and more and his attitude got worse and worse. Everyone from his past told me that he had a bad temper but for several years I never saw it. To my son and I he was always loving, caring, etc. After about 6 years we bought some property and moved. At this time he had to start paying some of the bills because my salary just couldn't cover everything. At the same time we found out that my son had a learning disability and had to have counseling and tutoring which my mother and I paid for. My H seemed to start pulling away from my son and seemed to begin drinking a lot more only now he was losing his temper all the time and being verbably and sometimes physically abusive. Nothing was ever good enough, and what was worse was you never knew who you were going to get when he walked through the door. For several years I was afraid of him but everytime I thought about leaving he would straighten himself out and pull out the man I fell in love with. This went on for several years with me really believing him when he said I made him do the things he did because I was always making him mad. When my son went into the sixth grade he was diagnosed with School phobia and depression. At this time he and I went into counseling. During the couseling I discovered what living the life we had was doing to my son. At the same time I found out that I was pregnant with my second son. During the pregnancy my H seemed to get better some. After my second son was born I thought things might be better and for a little while they did. Then they got a lot worse especially when our daughter was born. She was injured during birth and had to go back and forth to the hospital several times. When she was three we discovered she had a hearing impairment. She never let it hold her back and still doesn't. Anyway things got really bad with my H and I took the kids and moved out. Again after about six months of his pleading and being the man I fell in love with I let him move back in with us. Again for a while things were better. Then they got a lot worse. I remember one Easter when my son was about 2 and my daughter was a new born we were suppose to go to my Grandmothers in East Texas. My AH had been on a binge for about 3 days and that Saturday he had not come home at all. He walked in as I was loading the baby and my oldest son in the car and took our son away from me and carried him in the house yelling that we were not going anywhere. Needless to say he was scary. I followed him in the house trying to talk to him and get our son who was crying, my H turned on me and slammed me into the wall and was choking me with one hand while holding our son in the other. Anyway things went on sometimes worse and sometimes better but always a roller coaster ride. With all the problems with my son and AH I eventually reached the point where I had nothing left to give either of them. I really thought that I hated my AH until about 4 years ago when I had what I call a minor "breakdown". I realized that my AH was a jerk but I still loved him very much and after all when you take the marriage vows you take them "for better or worse" Well I had the better in the beginning and had sure gone through the worse or at least I thought I had. Anyway for the most part my AH was I guess what you would call a functioning drunk. He very seldom ever missed work because of his drinking. To my knowledge he has never had to suffer any consquences for his drinking or actions while he was drinking. In 2001 he was laid off from the company he where he had worked for 16 years. At this time he began hanging out with his other friends who had been laid off and drinking all day just about every day until in August of last year he was drinking with his friends here (as usual they were all very drunk) and began yelling and cusing at me, threatening to kill me and breaking rails off of our porch. My daughter was standing behind me when this was going on and was terrified. (It is not the first time she had seen him loose it but...) He and his friends left (I really thought about calling the cops and having all three of them picked up because they didn't need to be driving) but I didn't. The next day I called and told him he could not come back here to live until he got himself under control. Well he stayed gone until late October when he came over and told me that He could not love me any longer and that the kids and I were dragging him down and making him do the things he was doing. I know in my head that I didn't hold him down, I didn't make him drink or say all the mean and nasty things he has said but still doubt sometimes Making the right decision to tell him he could not come back until he got some help. He didn't get help he just moved on to his best friends wife (thats who he was staying with while his best friend was working in Austin). She drinks a lot also and actually is one of the people who was always over here drinking. He is still drinking, our kids have to do without their father and I no longer have my H and best friend.
I know you are probably wondering why I ever let it go on so long but I really believed in my H and I remember the loving, caring, supportive person I fell in love with. I know in my heart that that person is still in his body somewhere. He is just really well hidden right now. He has not held a job since being laid off in 2001 and he and "that woman" are living with my H's elderly Mother in Louisiana. He is using his retirement money and in the last couple of years has gone through over half of it. He still pays our house note, but has been using a lot of it to travel from here to there, etc.
I know this is too long. I am really trying to work through some stuff for me like why do I still love him after all of this. Even with the adultry and back stabbing his best friend I still believe the "good" person is inside him somewhere. Will we ever see that part of him again? I realize that right now he is not the man that I fell in love with and married but can't seem to stop loving him anyway. That is the kicker for me at the moment.
Anyway thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
Hey KFA...
Yeah...
Heartache all the way.
I'm from an abusive alkie father family... but I also have the characteristics of a user... so I can relate to both sides.
It's a tough one. Because for sure... that person we fell in love with is still in there... buried under all that addiction.
But... the addict has no right to hurt ... and we need to protect ourselves from that totally uncaring side of the ones we love.
I want to believe in my addicts mind that all my problems are being caused by someone else... cause that just gave me carte blanc to have a reason to use.
There is a thread on here about the addictive personality. I found it immensly helpful to myself in understanding me and some people I love. It might shed some light.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...7&page=1&pp=20
I pray to the ALL for strength for you... and clarity of thought around your addicted Husband.
Keep coming back... add your experience, strength and hope...
Yeah...
Heartache all the way.
I'm from an abusive alkie father family... but I also have the characteristics of a user... so I can relate to both sides.
It's a tough one. Because for sure... that person we fell in love with is still in there... buried under all that addiction.
But... the addict has no right to hurt ... and we need to protect ourselves from that totally uncaring side of the ones we love.
I want to believe in my addicts mind that all my problems are being caused by someone else... cause that just gave me carte blanc to have a reason to use.
There is a thread on here about the addictive personality. I found it immensly helpful to myself in understanding me and some people I love. It might shed some light.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...7&page=1&pp=20
I pray to the ALL for strength for you... and clarity of thought around your addicted Husband.
Keep coming back... add your experience, strength and hope...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: The Mohave Desert
Posts: 2,306
Hi KFA
Welcome to SR...
Thank you for sharing your pain. It has not been easy for you that is obvious.
Please check out the forum here for "Friends and Families of Addicts".
You may also want to check out Al-anon in your area...
WALLER
St. John's Lutheran Church
1613 Key Street
Waller, TX 77484
Tuesday - 7:30 PM - Genesis Group
(Education Building)
http://www.hal-pc.org/~alanontx/meet...est_towns.html
I am glad you are here
My name is Kel and i am an alcoholic who is grateful to be sober today>
Welcome to SR...
Thank you for sharing your pain. It has not been easy for you that is obvious.
Please check out the forum here for "Friends and Families of Addicts".
You may also want to check out Al-anon in your area...
WALLER
St. John's Lutheran Church
1613 Key Street
Waller, TX 77484
Tuesday - 7:30 PM - Genesis Group
(Education Building)
http://www.hal-pc.org/~alanontx/meet...est_towns.html
I am glad you are here
My name is Kel and i am an alcoholic who is grateful to be sober today>
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: A very sad place
Posts: 115
Thank you Kel. I found out about the meeting on Key Street last week. The person I talked with told me to call the coordinator before attending so I have been trying to get in touch with her.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: A very sad place
Posts: 115
Baby Steps
I have read so many post here and you all say recovery starts with baby steps. Well I made a baby step yesterday by not calling my AH on our 25th wedding anniversary and I made another today. This afternoon my AH called and for the first time in many moons I did not get a sick anxious feeling in my chest. Maybe a small step but it gave me a good feeling.
Thank you all so much for all the support you have given me in the last week here.
Bless you all.
Kat
Thank you all so much for all the support you have given me in the last week here.
Bless you all.
Kat
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
Hey Kat...
The truth shall set you free... ;o)
Are you familiar with Al-anon?
The principles of that program helped me immensley to let go of my Dad and others using...
Yup. Baby steps.
I have been incorporating a new behavior into my daily life. It's called discernment.. ;o)
I'm just beginning to realize how much I focus on others and put my energy there instead of into myself.
The result of that is I tend to glom onto others... and then get frantic when they try to uncover their faces so they can breathe... lololol
I know it was something I learned to do in my childhood... a reaction to the chaos and uncertainty of my family life...
But... I'm not there anymore... and it's time for a new way...
Keep coming back Kat... a burden shared is a much lighter load as Gooch reminded me...
It's a comforting thought.
The truth shall set you free... ;o)
Are you familiar with Al-anon?
The principles of that program helped me immensley to let go of my Dad and others using...
Yup. Baby steps.
I have been incorporating a new behavior into my daily life. It's called discernment.. ;o)
I'm just beginning to realize how much I focus on others and put my energy there instead of into myself.
The result of that is I tend to glom onto others... and then get frantic when they try to uncover their faces so they can breathe... lololol
I know it was something I learned to do in my childhood... a reaction to the chaos and uncertainty of my family life...
But... I'm not there anymore... and it's time for a new way...
Keep coming back Kat... a burden shared is a much lighter load as Gooch reminded me...
It's a comforting thought.
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