RedDog735

I just got back from Florida yesterday and it made me open my eyes a bit. So much has happened within the past week: XAbf came to my house without warning before I left for FL (on Friday) and we ended up going to lunch. He told me all about his lifestyle changes and we kissed, held hands, looked into each other's eyes. I knew he was feeding me crap (or maybe he wasn't, who knows.) Regardless, I STILL felt something when we shared that short hour together. It kind of messed me up a bit.

On a bright note, I was offered a new position at the number one hospital in my state! Exciting news for me. And when I was in Florida, I barely thought about him because I was genuinely HAPPY there.

However, when I am here sitting alone, I can't help but to think about him. I am SO CONFUSED about what I want to happen. I love him and I just want to be with him. I thought the distance would make me better by now. It's been over a month and I am really feeling empty. Some days are SO MUCH better than others and I'm not sure how to cope when I am sitting here alone, with increased anxiety, and tempted to reach out to him. Friday was amazing to me. He also said that he FELT those feelings were still there. I know I'm dragging my a** backwards, but I cannot help how I feel. I just want to hang out and spend some time with him...is this wrong of me?

Where do I go from here? The empty feeling in my heart HURTS. But then again, the empty feeling when he drank hurt, too. But that was temporary. This is never ending...when will it stop?!

ladyscribbler

What has changed? He's still drinking and not working any recovery. He cheated, gave you an STD. He's learned that he can treat you however he wants and all he has to do is throw some crumbs your way.
This emptiness goes deeper than you wanting companionship. A relationship (especially not a dysfunctional one) isn't going to fill that emptiness within you.
I used to jump from guy to guy hoping that this relationship would finally be the thing that that made my life complete. After my last relationship I have taken a hiatus from dating for the past 18 months and worked on building up my self-esteem.
In order for my life to change, I had to do something different than what I'd always done.

dandylion

RedDog....LOL! I doubt that patience is your strong suit??
It has been a very short time....and, you expect to feel comfortable and over it.....

You have gotten it backwards, I think----it is this separation anxiety pain that is temporary---it is staying in a relationship with an active alcoholic that the pain goes on forever and gets worse......

dandylion

NYCDoglvr

It helps me to do a reality check: He is still an active alcoholic and there is no indication that will change. Talk is cheap, it means nothing coming from an alcoholic. You can be hurt much worse than I was before because alcoholism is progressive.

Congratulations on the wonderful job offer! Keep the focus on the terrific future and not a relationship than can only deteriorate.

shil2587

It stops when you decide it does. Our hearts lie to us and keep us in places that are bad for us because we are not healthy. That's why many of us need recovery as much as the addict does. Relationships are like a drug to you. Just like an addict often knows the drug is dangerous. and life threatening, but still crashes for it. You crave him, perhaps because, like me, you fear being alone?

This guy is an awful person. Truly. Please please write down somewhere the good things and the bad things about him. If most of the good things are about how he makes you feel when you are with him, those aren't him. Those are you. and they WILL change the healthier you get. So you're left with his bad qualities being his actual behaviours.

You can have those good feelings with someone else once you decide it stops.

Duckygirl1

Sometimes when they speak we imagine a small quacking duck. But I think that for some perhaps they should hold the image of a hissing cobra. Imagine him as a giant hooded snake hissing those words as his fangs drip poison. That's what you're up against dear. Take him for what he is, not what you want him to be.

Spending time with someone like that doesn't fill the void, it only magnifies it.

FeelingGreat

Hi RD, we don't fall in love for nothing. There is certainly an attraction you both feel for each other, or you wouldn't have got together in the first place. The problem is we're always on our best behaviour, or are our best selves under the influence of love hormones.

When the initial rush dies, you're stuck with the whole person, not just the good bits. You saw the good bits when you had lunch, but think about the whole person, complete with addiction and everything that made you want to get out. Be completely honest with yourself and your memories.

fluffyflea

Why did he come without warning?

Because he knew you were going away?

They have a tendency to do that you know.........

redatlanta

You are romanticizing the relationship. He is an alcoholic, he cheated on you, and he gave you an STD. Does that sound like someone who cares about you?

Yeah, he said all the right things. I am sure you have had some good times as I recall this is someone you have known for a long time. What you are seeing now, the sweet guy, is not the reality of what your life would be like with him. Its a moment.

It says a lot that you went on vacation and barely thought about him to me it says it all. If you were that sad, that miserable without him, you would have spent your vacation sad and miserable pining away for him, but you did not.

You are bored. You said where you live now you do not have a lot of friends I think you went there to complete your nursing program? It sounds like outside of work where you are he was your everything when you weren't working. Is the misery because of the loss of him or is it because you have nothing to do but think about him and you are living in the memory of him where you are?

I think you have made more progress than you think about him. I think if you were busy and doing things with friends he wouldn't be occupying too much head space.

Its time to get busy rather than sit around. Sometimes in life we have to be our own best friend and our own company. Sometimes we have to entertain ourselves which isn't such a bad thing as no knows our likes like we do - its not so bad not having to ask or compromise with another, and doing the things we enjoy at the pace we enjoy them. As for him, TRUST he is up to the same tricks chick, if you think he is at home studying his bible and hailing Mary think again. He is out having a good time while you are sitting at home obsessing and miserable. What's wrong with this picture?

Kudos on the job! Does this mean you will be moving?

SparkleKitty

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html

firebolt

This is very very important. I also feel better, more alive, more myself, and HAPPY when I am away from ABF. This is how it should be - how WE should be!

Congrats on the job offer - that's fantastic!!!

Florence

Feelings aren't facts.

Here are the facts:
Your ex is an alcoholic that gave you an STD and has made zero meaningful commitment to changing his life.

If this was your girlfriend, what would you advise her to do?

knowthetriggers

ladyscribbler hit the nail on the head for me. When I left my lying, cheating "dreamboat" I felt the life leave my body. I was one big ball of pathetic. Although he had cheated on me and she had gotten pregnant I still wanted to be with him, why, because he had abused me so emotionally that I did not think I could ever find anyone to love, because that is what he told me, everyday for 4 1/2 years of my life. What a winner he was.

After months and months and months of help and support from my family and small circle of friends I started to come around. I realized that I was precious, obviously not in HIS eyes, but someone would find me one day. I stopped dating for 4 years so I could put my life back together. It was totally worth it.

So ask yourself, are you worth more than this so called relationship? I think you know the answer.

It is not easy but you must do what is best for YOU, not someone who really doesn't give a flip.

Just my 2 cents.

fluffyflea

It probably should have stopped when he gave you an STD.

RedDog735

It's still hard to see this. He gave me HSV but type one. There's a possibility he could've had it all along from previous partners and it stayed dormant in his body. I can't really say it was from another woman.

As for the cheating, I spoke with the girl that he "got naked with and pushed off of him." She told me that as she was about to have sexual relations with him, that he pushed her off and told her "you're not reddog go home."

I need to stop making excuses. I know this. But it's so hard when in my mind he's not so bad.

But he is..or I wouldn't be here.

atalose

Yes you are making excuses for him and his actions and pretty lame ones at that.

Infidelity does not come from a lack of love it comes from a lack of respect.

If you truly love someone, being faithful is easy………..not only does this guy NOT love you he has no respect for you?

Is this what you really want out of life?

A great new job where you are dragging around this scumball chained to your leg???? Because you don't know any other way to fill that void in you?

SparkleKitty

The feelings are not "never-ending", they just haven't gone away YET.

You know you are making excuses for him, but do you know WHY you are doing that? Why you are not willing to accept him for who he really is? This is what I mean when I say you need to get the focus off of him and on to YOU. Would a healthy person accept the unacceptable? Would they hear this story about how he was naked with another woman and -- no matter what happened next -- think, well it's not as bad as I thought?

You are as addicted to him as he is to alcohol. You can BOTH recover, but not while you keep indulging in your DOC. You need to get sober before you can recover.

Florence

My thinking is this:

I think you're splitting hairs to give yourself permission to keep seeing him. Like, "HSV isn't that bad if it was type 1 instead of 2," and, "It's kind of honorable that he stopped cheating on me because he thought of his commitment to me." But I seriously doubt that any of these scenarios would be present in your life right now if you weren't attracted to someone who is toxic to you.

When you take the focus off of him and look at yourself, you are forced to ask questions like, Why do I long for someone who has betrayed my trust? and Why do I want to win over and be with someone who has cheated on me?

I went through something similar with my XAH (I'll spare you the TMI details). He also cheated on me with a coworker, and instead of dumping him, I freaked out until I lost my job, then doubled down and married him. He nearly ruined me financially, deeply wounded me and my son, and I'm a single parent now to his child, my second child, for whom he is incapable of caring.

The short version is that FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS. And just like I put up above, here are the facts: Your ex is an alcoholic that cheated on you, gave you an STD, and has made zero meaningful commitment to changing his life to make room for you, your needs, and your health. You want to say "yeah, but!" because you miss him, but your excuses don't change the facts. These are the facts. The other facts are, "I am someone who is attracted to people who are toxic for me, maybe sometimes BECAUSE they are toxic for me," and it becomes your job in recovery to suss out why and make other, better decisions.

Your feelings about this and about him will change and evolve over time. If you're interested in changing your life, find something else to do. Do not talk to him, look at his Facebook page, meet him, meet with the girl he cheated on you with, talk to his family, or anything else. Let the feelings play out. Go for some exercise, marathon-clean your house, get a haircut, do ANYTHING other than act on your breakup feelings. The feelings you have about this today will go away.

Go no contact with him and you'll find this feeling fading fast.

RedDog735

I am out of control. Debating going to an alanon meeting.
I just called him because I'm so impulsive and need instant gratification to hear his voice and talk to him. Made me feel worse. i'm sorry..I know its frustrating to give suggestions and input, only to see me taking steps backwards and struggling.

I KNOW the outcomes all to well. I KNOW what I should do. There is an alanon meeting a 7pm tonight but I am TERRIFIED to go....I don't know what to expect, who will be there, if they will welcome me. Hell, I haven't stepped foot in a church since I was a child-this isn't too comforting to me

firebolt

Alanon - Of course they will welcome you, with open arms. It doesn't matter who is there - this is for YOU!! And honestly, it took me a few meetings to get into it, so don't panic if 1 isn't what you thought it would be.

Same deal - you are here for YOU! Not for us. I don't think anyone here left an alcoholic or an abuser because someone here pressured them into it. We ALL do it on our own timeline. Were here to make you ask yourself the tough questions, to share our experiences with you, to save you some of that precious research time, and to support you no matter what you decide....and for us to vent and continue our recovery as well.

Yeah, since we've all been there, we want to protect you from going through what we have, and what some of us including myself still are. You see it all. You know when you are lying to yourself and when you aren't. You know what is best for you. Taking action to change it is a whole other set of hurdles, and you will conquer it in your time. In the meantime, keep getting support here, from Alanon, from GOOD friends and family, and always - take what you need and leave the rest!