DeltaBravo

Hello everyone. Man did I fall but not to the bottom. That's the optimism speaking I guess. Reflecting on everything I just got lazy in my recovery plain and simple. I failed to see the indicator of my addiction and when it went off to where I can feel and see it I was already 2 beers in. This happened last Friday. I felt horrible and guilty. Rather than go to a meeting I went into "feeling sorry" myself. The next day Saturday I just ignored everything and decided to drink. I drank about 15 beers that day. I just woke from my self inflicted pity party you can say. I stayed on the couch Sun, Mon, and Tue. Going over the all the "whys"?. This was the worst hang over. Physically I felt fine. Hell I could've ran and worked out on Sun. It was the mental hangover. Never have I felt so depressed and mentally drained. 3 days of just being "out of it" mentally. I was very paranoid and my anxiety was through the roof. Didn't shave or shower. Nothing productive.

Looking back on it all... I see that this has to be a daily ritual. Meetings, studying, mediating, and just being aware of my addiction. My words say "I wanna quit"...but my actions don't. I'm a fraud. I'm a hypocrite. I'm not being a "Debbie downer" ...Just being honest with myself.

So here I am again. Down this road. I've haven't had a "sober/clean weekend" since 10 Jan. The pattern is clearly obvious. I'm able to most of the time...to stay sober Mon-Fri ...then take Saturday to "catch up".

To wrap this all up...I know I have to do this, be in this, and truly "live the life" of a recovering addict. I can't be a "weekend warrior" or my case "weekday warrior". Time to drink the cool aid right?

Thanks for listening.

Anna

I'm glad you're back and it's good that you see a change in your plan would be a good idea. So what can do you differently to prepare for the upcoming weekend?

ScottFromWI

Welcome back DeltaBravo. Were you attending meetings/doing daily work before? If it was working then get right back on the horse. If you weren't do you have a new plan? Can we help you make one?

DeltaBravo

I have to be more diligent in my meeting attendance. Can you speak or share at any time during a meeting? I didn't last time or the time before that. I need to max out my effort in this.

IOAA2

I needed to take action to get rid of my undisciplined way of life. This included a meeting a day and getting active which included making coffee, cleaning up, sweeping up afterwards and most important letting people know who I am and letting them know when I’m in pain or difficulty.
The bottom line is we don’t drink so that we don’t have to try to get sober AGAIN.

BE WELL

Dee74

Welcome back DB

yeah you need to be all in with effort and commitment I think.

If I'm any amount of 'beers in', I'm in trouble....y'know?

D

FreeOwl

Yep.... The secret is simple; Action.

We have to support the choice - or else we haven't really made it.

I'm glad you're back from that darkness.... Welcome again to the light.

Fly N Buy

One of tools many alcoholics use before we drink is to play the tape - look back at what we did in the past that got us to a point of being desirous above all other things to stop drinking and stay stopped.

DB - here's some of your tape
1/27/2013

On day two being sober...after a 3 day bender...the last day being brutal...stumbling drunk, pissing on myself, bleeding on myself, shamed myself in front of my wife and kids...I'm now at this road where I've been so many times. Had a painful expierence and now I wanna get sober...I'm so scared because when the pain is gone and I'm happy again I will want to drink. I'm afraid I ruined my relationship with my wife...and I may be in some trouble at work. I need help...I'm thinking about going to AA..but I need self disipline..I hate who I've become. I used to be a stand up guy...now I feel like a piece of _____.

I hope and pray this is it.


I did not repost your comments to embarrass you but perhaps gain your attention. Noting bites more than our own words at times....

I wrote out my last drunk on paper and posted it on my mirror. I have to look at it everyday while I brush my teeth because my disease lies to me - it's tells me I feel better and can drink. It wants me to fail, capitulate and die.

I choose life, today........
I Set my sobriety date, take the action I need and yes, pray......Hope you will too friend

FreeOwl

^ That's a pretty solid reminder right there.



My own tape has lots of such highlights.... it's amazing how powerfully my AV used to get me to overlook them and figure "well, it'll be FINE this time..."