AH told me he drinks b/c of me
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AH told me he drinks b/c of me
Last night AH told me he drinks b/c of me. I know it isn't true per Al Anon and the AA way, but part of me feels it might. I get anxious and nervous about his drinking when I come home. We went away for the weekend just the two of us and I was anxious the whole time. I told him that I wish he wouldn't drink so much, that I miss how we were when he was sober. he said that this is all my doing. He drinks because of how I act around him. His words, "can you blame me"? The never ending marry-go-round. For those that have stayed with their A or did in the past, how do you go on with your life happy? How can you detach from their drinking? It is difficult for me since he does not go to the bars, he stays at the house. I know I am not perfect and I am sick too. I am sick that I think I am addicted to the alcoholic. My ex also had alcohol issues (along with gambling). I have an appointment with my therapist on Friday, but I need to reach out for help now. I really don't have anyone to talk to. Others would just say, "why are you still with him? Why don't you just leave?" I am gathering the courage for my plan B but sometimes I pray that we can work this out. I am just mentally exhausted and know I can't do this alone...
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Sad, my ABF drinks at home too.
I don't want to hang out with him while hes drunk, i don't want to talk to him, sleep next to him, etc while he's in that state....so I don't.
I go to another room and read, watch tv, hang out with family or friends, work in teh garage, go fish, or walk the dogs. Spending time with him drunk brings me down, so I've quit doing it. I don't sulk in another room, or sit and stew or feel sorry for myself, I just do what I want to do. This protects me from a situation I don't want to be in, and keeps me focusing on my happiness and desires.
You know you have nothing to do with his drinking - he drinks because he cannot stop drinking right now. That's it.
You can remove his power over your mood and the tone of your day - YOU can make every day a good day. Sending you peace and strength. and (((HUGS)))
I don't want to hang out with him while hes drunk, i don't want to talk to him, sleep next to him, etc while he's in that state....so I don't.
I go to another room and read, watch tv, hang out with family or friends, work in teh garage, go fish, or walk the dogs. Spending time with him drunk brings me down, so I've quit doing it. I don't sulk in another room, or sit and stew or feel sorry for myself, I just do what I want to do. This protects me from a situation I don't want to be in, and keeps me focusing on my happiness and desires.
You know you have nothing to do with his drinking - he drinks because he cannot stop drinking right now. That's it.
You can remove his power over your mood and the tone of your day - YOU can make every day a good day. Sending you peace and strength. and (((HUGS)))
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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I know you know this, but it isn't true. He drinks because he is an alcoholic.
Acceptance of things as they are, and not how we wish they would be, takes time and practice. You ARE exhausted. Please don't add to your burdens by telling yourself that it is all your fault or beating yourself up for not being where you think you should be in all this.
I am not one who stayed. While I was still with XABF, and he was drinking, I detached. Went about my business and did things that made me happy, usually in another room. But eventually I had to end the relationship and get him out of my house (but not before he burned cigarette holes in my couch and destroyed my Christmas tree).
I don't believe detachment is a long-term solution for happiness living with active addiction. It's more of a protective measure, to keep from getting embroiled in the alcoholic's issues and consequences (not a fool proof one), and from conversations like the one you describe where the A foists all of the responsibility for the problems on you.
I wish I had advice for how this could work out for you. It seems he has no interest in not drinking, and that you have no wish to be with a drinker. I don't have a solution for you, just hugs and understanding and support.
Acceptance of things as they are, and not how we wish they would be, takes time and practice. You ARE exhausted. Please don't add to your burdens by telling yourself that it is all your fault or beating yourself up for not being where you think you should be in all this.
I am not one who stayed. While I was still with XABF, and he was drinking, I detached. Went about my business and did things that made me happy, usually in another room. But eventually I had to end the relationship and get him out of my house (but not before he burned cigarette holes in my couch and destroyed my Christmas tree).
I don't believe detachment is a long-term solution for happiness living with active addiction. It's more of a protective measure, to keep from getting embroiled in the alcoholic's issues and consequences (not a fool proof one), and from conversations like the one you describe where the A foists all of the responsibility for the problems on you.
I wish I had advice for how this could work out for you. It seems he has no interest in not drinking, and that you have no wish to be with a drinker. I don't have a solution for you, just hugs and understanding and support.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Sparklekitty is right, detachment isn't a long-term solution. In addition, you are dealing with someone who is not only an alcoholic, but abusive. Detachment tends to work even less with abusers, and may actually increase the danger to you because it is a form of self-assertion--something that an abuser will not tolerate.
I'm going to keep harping on this theme, because what you NEED is a safety plan, not a way to better tolerate your abusive relationship.
You are not the reason he drinks, nor are you the reason he's abusive. What he is feeding you are classic excuses, and obviously they are working, because you are believing them. You don't need to (and shouldn't) argue with him on this--just ignore it, knowing that excuses is all they are.
I'm going to keep harping on this theme, because what you NEED is a safety plan, not a way to better tolerate your abusive relationship.
You are not the reason he drinks, nor are you the reason he's abusive. What he is feeding you are classic excuses, and obviously they are working, because you are believing them. You don't need to (and shouldn't) argue with him on this--just ignore it, knowing that excuses is all they are.
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Join Date: May 2013
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I would turn the question around and ask " can he blame you?" How can you not be anxious and stressed when you two can't even go away for a weekend and have him remain sober.
It is not your fault. If he drinks because of you than my question is why does he stay? The thing is he stays because he knows he can. He is manipulating you because he feels guilty and can't handle the feelings.
Take care of you ok? None of this is your fault and you deserve peace and security in your own home.
It is not your fault. If he drinks because of you than my question is why does he stay? The thing is he stays because he knows he can. He is manipulating you because he feels guilty and can't handle the feelings.
Take care of you ok? None of this is your fault and you deserve peace and security in your own home.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Of course it is not because of you. And what LexieCat said, alcoholism is one thing, and abuse another. Your alcoholic is a lot like mine. Mine drinks at home, mine is abusive and very controlling, extremely passive aggressive, and setting up landmines for me whenever he can. Do not waste years like I did thinking that it is alcoholism only and blaming yourself for whatever he tells you.
Do not lose connections with people and please start making plan B, C, D. And be careful, you cannot control alcoholism, and you cannot ESPECIALLY control abuse. You need help from the others, you need to let other people know.
Do not lose connections with people and please start making plan B, C, D. And be careful, you cannot control alcoholism, and you cannot ESPECIALLY control abuse. You need help from the others, you need to let other people know.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
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The only way you can make him drink is tie him down and pour booze down his throat. Alcoholics always blame other people and situations for their drinking. They don't know they always have a choice to drink or not drink.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Detachment from an abusive alcoholic does not work. You can try walking away, most likely he will follow. I found in my marriage, the more I tried to detach, the worse the abuse got, because he kept digging for something that would get me to react.
Thing is, there is already a war going on in his own head. You're there, so it has to be your fault. You don't react or you walk away, that doesn't stop that war in his head. It makes him more aggressive. He needs to blame you.
Make a safety plan, get DV support, and keep posting here.
((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
Thing is, there is already a war going on in his own head. You're there, so it has to be your fault. You don't react or you walk away, that doesn't stop that war in his head. It makes him more aggressive. He needs to blame you.
Make a safety plan, get DV support, and keep posting here.
((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
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Amy55: I didn't think of it that way: War going on in his own head. That makes so much sense to me. If I say I am not going to listen to you call me names or treat me this way, and then say I am going to the other room he says I am being passive aggressive. I learned to walk away when my ex was verbally abusive to me. My AH does not like this. . I will continue to come here for support.
LexiCat: thank you. I am working on a safety plan. I talked to someone the other day and she made the suggestion of leaving a bag at work or friend's house with some clothes and other important things I may need. I already have one hidden in my car for my boys just in case.
LexiCat: thank you. I am working on a safety plan. I talked to someone the other day and she made the suggestion of leaving a bag at work or friend's house with some clothes and other important things I may need. I already have one hidden in my car for my boys just in case.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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You are not the cause of his drinking nor any behavior on your part. As others already said, he drinks because he is an alcoholic. He does not know how to deal with anything in life so his solution to that is to find relief and escape from reality in the bottle.
In his mind, he is drinking because of you. If you didn’t do this or that. If you didn’t say this or that he would not drink. What he does not know is he would still drink if you were not there in any way, shape or form. He would just find something else to blame it on, work, kids, stress, life, the car driving to slow in front of him or the car driving to fast and tailing him, to much rain, to much sun…the excuses are endless!
He does not understand that the way he perceives life situations, the way he perceives people in his life is the problem, not the actual people or the situation. He looks as people as a burden, not a blessing. That is why he blames others for his drinking. He has a perception problem.
He won’t change this attitude until he is ready to get honest and decide to stop drinking and get help. When will that be? Nobody knows, it may never happen.
In the meantime you can take care of you and your children. You can learn to detach from situations like this one and live a life that does not let his disease and denial ruin your lives as a well.
In his mind, he is drinking because of you. If you didn’t do this or that. If you didn’t say this or that he would not drink. What he does not know is he would still drink if you were not there in any way, shape or form. He would just find something else to blame it on, work, kids, stress, life, the car driving to slow in front of him or the car driving to fast and tailing him, to much rain, to much sun…the excuses are endless!
He does not understand that the way he perceives life situations, the way he perceives people in his life is the problem, not the actual people or the situation. He looks as people as a burden, not a blessing. That is why he blames others for his drinking. He has a perception problem.
He won’t change this attitude until he is ready to get honest and decide to stop drinking and get help. When will that be? Nobody knows, it may never happen.
In the meantime you can take care of you and your children. You can learn to detach from situations like this one and live a life that does not let his disease and denial ruin your lives as a well.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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It's not because of YOU he drinks, it's because HE WANTS TO DRINK!!!!!!!!!!!
And he does't want to take responsibility for it.
And he does't want to take responsibility for it.
Originally Posted by SadInTX 
Last night AH told me he drinks b/c of me. I know it isn't true per Al Anon and the AA way, but part of me feels it might. I get anxious and nervous about his drinking when I come home. We went away for the weekend just the two of us and I was anxious the whole time. I told him that I wish he wouldn't drink so much, that I miss how we were when he was sober. he said that this is all my doing. He drinks because of how I act around him. His words, "can you blame me"? The never ending marry-go-round. For those that have stayed with their A or did in the past, how do you go on with your life happy? How can you detach from their drinking? It is difficult for me since he does not go to the bars, he stays at the house. I know I am not perfect and I am sick too. I am sick that I think I am addicted to the alcoholic. My ex also had alcohol issues (along with gambling). I have an appointment with my therapist on Friday, but I need to reach out for help now. I really don't have anyone to talk to. Others would just say, "why are you still with him? Why don't you just leave?" I am gathering the courage for my plan B but sometimes I pray that we can work this out. I am just mentally exhausted and know I can't do this alone...
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
What I am working on in my life is to be OK with judgment from others.
So, in the scenario where your AH continues to say it's all your fault. Calls you passive aggressive when you remove yourself from the room when he's is violating your personal boundaries (name-calling, etc). Etc, etc
Will you be OK with him thinking all those things, and you think something completely different about yourself?
In your mind, you believe that leaving a room where negative energy/abuse is occurring, that you are being assertive. That you don't cause the drinking. That he will find a reason to drink purely for relieving himself of the guilt and/or the realization that he isn't in control of the drinking (and neither are you, by the way!).
That he will believe terrible and judgmental things about you.
Will you be OK with that? That you get your sense of self - sense of respect. Sense of value from somewhere else.
For me, I am constantly trying to work on letting go of being respected, being treated with kindness, having support, and "believing in me" from most of my FOO. Even the FOO members that are nice to my wife and I do not stand up with me against the abusive behavior of a few of my siblings. I feel utterly alone in calling out the abuse. I'm trying to build my own sense of self with an absolute absence of validation from them. I'm working on it.
What's OK with you? What's not? who are you, really? How do you feel about how you're treated? What do you like and what do you not like? How do you express who you are? All of these questions are for you to work on. No one can tell you exactly the answers to the above (in my opinion). These come from you. You absolutely deserve the respect, love, kindness, and support that you would like for yourself. The number one person that you can ACTUALLY get to provide those things for you? It's you. you have complete control over the respect you have for you - the love you have for you - the kindness, etc. For me, counseling, 12-step meetings, and these forums have helped me work on feeling better about myself. I have progressed quite a bit and have a long ways to go. But I love feeling better about myself.
So, you can't get other people to respect you (not in your control). But, you can work on respecting yourself. I have more work to do on this myself.
My suggestion - take care of you! you're worth it!
(PS - I have found that when I'm feeling better about me, I gravitate to love, kindness, support instead of the opposite - a moth to a flame of abuse and criticism. I radiate positive energy and positive, healthy people are drawn to it. I am realizing that it's not my family I need to change. I need to change me. And for me specifically, I completely changed my environment. New friends. New loved ones. I couldn't change my FOO.)
So, in the scenario where your AH continues to say it's all your fault. Calls you passive aggressive when you remove yourself from the room when he's is violating your personal boundaries (name-calling, etc). Etc, etc
Will you be OK with him thinking all those things, and you think something completely different about yourself?
In your mind, you believe that leaving a room where negative energy/abuse is occurring, that you are being assertive. That you don't cause the drinking. That he will find a reason to drink purely for relieving himself of the guilt and/or the realization that he isn't in control of the drinking (and neither are you, by the way!).
That he will believe terrible and judgmental things about you.
Will you be OK with that? That you get your sense of self - sense of respect. Sense of value from somewhere else.
For me, I am constantly trying to work on letting go of being respected, being treated with kindness, having support, and "believing in me" from most of my FOO. Even the FOO members that are nice to my wife and I do not stand up with me against the abusive behavior of a few of my siblings. I feel utterly alone in calling out the abuse. I'm trying to build my own sense of self with an absolute absence of validation from them. I'm working on it.
What's OK with you? What's not? who are you, really? How do you feel about how you're treated? What do you like and what do you not like? How do you express who you are? All of these questions are for you to work on. No one can tell you exactly the answers to the above (in my opinion). These come from you. You absolutely deserve the respect, love, kindness, and support that you would like for yourself. The number one person that you can ACTUALLY get to provide those things for you? It's you. you have complete control over the respect you have for you - the love you have for you - the kindness, etc. For me, counseling, 12-step meetings, and these forums have helped me work on feeling better about myself. I have progressed quite a bit and have a long ways to go. But I love feeling better about myself.
So, you can't get other people to respect you (not in your control). But, you can work on respecting yourself. I have more work to do on this myself.
My suggestion - take care of you! you're worth it!
(PS - I have found that when I'm feeling better about me, I gravitate to love, kindness, support instead of the opposite - a moth to a flame of abuse and criticism. I radiate positive energy and positive, healthy people are drawn to it. I am realizing that it's not my family I need to change. I need to change me. And for me specifically, I completely changed my environment. New friends. New loved ones. I couldn't change my FOO.)
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Well I just blew my attempt at only being positive today.
What a full-fledged quacking arse he is!!!
Let me ask you what I asked my 9-year-old when she said she thought Dad might be drinking because she and her sister fought so much.
Have you held a gun to his head, put a funnel in his mouth, and forced booze down his throat? No? Well, then you're not making him drink.
He's CHOOSING to drink. And he's abusive to you.
What a full-fledged quacking arse he is!!!
Let me ask you what I asked my 9-year-old when she said she thought Dad might be drinking because she and her sister fought so much.
Have you held a gun to his head, put a funnel in his mouth, and forced booze down his throat? No? Well, then you're not making him drink.
He's CHOOSING to drink. And he's abusive to you.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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My A drank at home too. He NEVER went out. He also told me that he drinks because of me......
You know better....WE know better than that. We are not responsible for their choices and if life with us is so damn horrible, why haven't they left? We have become the perfect scapegoat for their addiction. It wouldn't be in the best interest of the A to leave us.
But because we fail to detach... We ALLOW ourselves to be effected by their maddening words and actions. I hope when I say "fail", you don't take it the wrong way... You know what I mean though.
Detachment takes practice girlie. And I know you can do it.
Hugs!!
You know better....WE know better than that. We are not responsible for their choices and if life with us is so damn horrible, why haven't they left? We have become the perfect scapegoat for their addiction. It wouldn't be in the best interest of the A to leave us.
But because we fail to detach... We ALLOW ourselves to be effected by their maddening words and actions. I hope when I say "fail", you don't take it the wrong way... You know what I mean though.
Detachment takes practice girlie. And I know you can do it.
Hugs!!
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
Mine drank in the house too. I was so proud of myself when I stopped crying, stopped begging and sulking and "got a life" - I started developing hobbies and socialized with my work girlfriends more, I didn't cry in bed feeling alone when he was drunk passed out on the couch, I was finally able to detach from him and I felt victorious like I finally found a way around alcoholism, how to thrive in spite of it, but that only took me so far. It wasn't a victory it was survival.
It's good that you have an appointment with a therapist. I wish I had done that while I was still in it. I ended up leaving last June and while I still have stress in my life, there is a sense of peace that I could never obtain living in that life.
Mine said that to me too - "Can you blame me?" That one didn't affect me but when he would say he drank because he was lonely because I had shut him out, that I wrestled with. I figured even if he did drink because I "shut him out" there was still way too much water - WAY too much water under the bridge for me to even give a sh&t. And it wasn't true anyway.
It's not true. He drinks because he's an alcoholic.
It's good that you have an appointment with a therapist. I wish I had done that while I was still in it. I ended up leaving last June and while I still have stress in my life, there is a sense of peace that I could never obtain living in that life.
Mine said that to me too - "Can you blame me?" That one didn't affect me but when he would say he drank because he was lonely because I had shut him out, that I wrestled with. I figured even if he did drink because I "shut him out" there was still way too much water - WAY too much water under the bridge for me to even give a sh&t. And it wasn't true anyway.
It's not true. He drinks because he's an alcoholic.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
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My XAH said a lot of things to me, and in the end it turned out very few of them were true.
Take that energy spent fretting over what an abusive, lying alcoholic says in your direction, and spend it planning your escape route. You deserve way better than this, and you can have it.
Take that energy spent fretting over what an abusive, lying alcoholic says in your direction, and spend it planning your escape route. You deserve way better than this, and you can have it.
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 235
If you make him drink then you ought to be able to make him stop drinking! But you can't make him stop because you don't make him drink.
My XAH has been out of my life for 3 years and he STILL SAYS that I make him drink and his family says the same thing. He says that his current situation: homeless, of no fixed address, unemployed, on welfare, addicted to alcohol and drugs and wretched is all because of me and so does his family and all our (previously) mutual friends (I've kicked those poisonous people out of my life!).
They will blame everyone but themselves.
It's not our fault. We are not that powerful.
My XAH has been out of my life for 3 years and he STILL SAYS that I make him drink and his family says the same thing. He says that his current situation: homeless, of no fixed address, unemployed, on welfare, addicted to alcohol and drugs and wretched is all because of me and so does his family and all our (previously) mutual friends (I've kicked those poisonous people out of my life!).
They will blame everyone but themselves.
It's not our fault. We are not that powerful.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
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My estranged sister who I haven't spoken to in nearly 6 years because of her toxicity and vile personality from her drinking, has been an alcoholic since about 1999.
She blamed everyone but herself for her drinking. When she was married in 2001 she blamed her husband for her drinking, he never drank though.
When her business was failing she blamed that
When our parents died in 2006 and 2007 she blamed that for her drinking
And she still drinks, and she takes the kids to the club and they sit outside while she drinks.
She is not the person I once knew and it's not anybody's fault but her own.
If you think for a minute you are to blame, it is time to leave the relationship because you are being brainwashed.
She blamed everyone but herself for her drinking. When she was married in 2001 she blamed her husband for her drinking, he never drank though.
When her business was failing she blamed that
When our parents died in 2006 and 2007 she blamed that for her drinking
And she still drinks, and she takes the kids to the club and they sit outside while she drinks.
She is not the person I once knew and it's not anybody's fault but her own.
If you think for a minute you are to blame, it is time to leave the relationship because you are being brainwashed.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
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Hi TX, I thought you might like a (sober) A's POV. He's got to drink because he's an A but your distress is causing him to feel guilty, and he's turning it back on you.
If he admitted honestly to himself that he's hurting his family, he'd have to try and stop drinking, and he's just not ready.
I'm sure it's uncomfortable for him to see you upset, and he's trying to alter your reaction by telling you there's something wrong with you, but it's a dynamic of your marriage that you hate him drinking, he's not ready to stop drinking. This won't change.
If he admitted honestly to himself that he's hurting his family, he'd have to try and stop drinking, and he's just not ready.
I'm sure it's uncomfortable for him to see you upset, and he's trying to alter your reaction by telling you there's something wrong with you, but it's a dynamic of your marriage that you hate him drinking, he's not ready to stop drinking. This won't change.
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