bumble

So I went to rehab. I went with grandmas and executives and prisoners. Lovely ladies all. And they all had something to live for. Or, at least, someone. I didn't and I don't. And sometimes I think there has to be some reason I'm here, because I really should be dead by now. My BAC has come out at .512 and .45 and .457 and I really wish I'd died like I "should have". I'm sorry; not sure why I'm even posting. I do wish I was dead and, since that obviously hasnt happened, I wish I knew things would get better. For sure. I don't want platitudes. I want to know things will get better. I want to know I won't be alone forever. And I know I'm probably being selfish because everyone tells us we're selfish....but if I was truly selfish, I'd have succeeded in killing myself by now - and it's certainly not for lack of trying

DrunkenDonuts

Sounds like you're trying to set a record for highest BAC in a living organism. You should probably call the Guinness World Record people about that.

Otherwise, you're lucky to be alive. Some will tell you that God saved you. I would say that God wouldn't be making someone feel like ****.

Do you have family? Do you have friends?

You're going to be dead a hell of a long time, so perhaps see if anyone here has some good ideas on what you can do.

I thought only males died alone. Perhaps we should get together and bake cookies or something.

Para

I've drank to stupor and i'm sure i've had alcohol poisoning many times. I could have died. It's a miracle but my liver is still good. There's a reason why we're still alive, because God wants us to fight this addiction and live a happy life. He's looking out for us.
But if we keep making the same mistake over and over again, our addiction will kill us. Sad but very very very true!

ardy

oh Bumble my Bumble where would we all be with out this tech.. reach out grab my arm sweetheart and hold tight for my ride is a rough one too.. I think we have all had these feelings.. when my hubby is at his worst when life has pulled me into that dark hole called dispare.. and I feel like the spin I am in will never be right. I have screamed at myself in the bathroom .. You Dummy You know why this is happening.. You would not let him die in Florida.. yep .. no kidding. we were in Florida for 9 years .. just the 2 of us and our cats. I dumped everything I had built here to follow my hubbies dream to live and work in Florida.. we had to work all the time.. and when he got sick they did surgery on him. and screwed up his system even worse.. and a Temp in Child Protection back in 1996-2004 made a high pay of 8.00 per hour.. 40 hours a week. at least that was better then the 6 months as a temp as private security for the Airport 2nd shift 7.35 per hour to make sure a box was not ticking. no F--ing way was I staying at that.. and Ed would be sick I could not let him have the car keys ever.. but now home in Wisconsin his morphin pills and anger issues .. when they rear their ugly heads I scream at the mirror and the Marine that is looking back puts her foot down solid jackson solid.. Not on My Watch Lady Not on My Watch.. so scream this way for you are important to this circle we call life to the breath that is taken every day.. to the life that you just have not touch just yet.. you will make it I promise and a Marine never Promises without the White Gloves on. take my arm and I will hold you tight.. prayes and love a Mom.. a Lady Clown and Old Blue Star.. ardy...

doggonecarl

Welcome back, bumble. How long sober?

Anna

Bumble, rather than waiting and hoping that things will get better, what have you done to make things better? What positive changes have you made in your life to improve your life? Have you joined a gym, started volunteering, taken a course - you are the person who can improve your life. Have faith in yourself.

Axiom

It sounds like you are in a dark place right now. For that I am really sorry.

You are incredibly lucky to be alive, so am I. Now is time to focus that luck and create the life you want and deserve to have.

I can't tell you if you will be alone or not but I can tell you that you can learn real self love if you permanently remove alcohol from your life.

Soberwolf

Bumble it totally gets better we have bad days sometimes have you spoke to a Dr recently about how your feeling ?

bumble

Thank you all for writing. I'm sorry for throwing myself a pity party - I've been sober for 6 months and I guess I'm impatient; I really wanted things to be better by now. I joined a gym and took up running and I started a different job but I still feel so lonely and alone.

Anna

Bumble, those are both great changes to make in your life. Regular exercise of some kind will be so good for you. And, hopefully your new job will be fulfilling for you.

I'm sorry you're feeling down right now and I do hope that things will turn around for you.

thomas11

hi bumble, wow your opening post kind of shook me, sounded very dire. Most of us know the feeling. It isn't any fun at all. But then I read your second post and I thought "wow, that's fantastic!" Anyway, I know it doesn't help you now, but those feelings shall pass.

Earlier in my life I was in a tough spot. The good people I knew, didn't want to be around me, and the bad people I knew (who did want to be around me), well I didn't want to be around them. I was stuck in the middle, but I toughed it out, bought myself a goldfish to talk to. That lasted a year, things turned around and now things are much better. You're doing great.

Dee74

I do think those of us still here are here for a reason....but I have no idea what your reason might be Bumble.

*You* need to find that out - could be quite the journey?

D

headcase1

Bumble, glad you're here! I myself suffer from depression & find that drinking makes it 10 times worse. I hope you find a light in your life. Just like deciding to stop drinking, you are the one in control here, search out some new (safe) things to do.Good luck.Mike

Nowsthetime

Hi Bumble.

My only comment is to stop "wishing" and start "doing".

Your post touched a nerve with me...

I hope you can dig yourself out because life doesn't have to be like this for you but it is up to you to make it what it is. Everyone has a story, everyone has problems but we don't have to be determined by them or be enslaved by them.

Have you heard about a gratitude list? I feel like it might give you perspective...

Hawkeye13

I get it. I do.

It does get better, ebbs and flows from despair, to sadness, to vague hope, and some good days.

Over time, for me, the sobriety became a kind of breakwater against the emotional turmoil and I felt steady at least in that.

Very gradual improvement. Six months is a great toehold, but really does take more time when you are traveling back from Hell.

Hang in there--exercise was great for me but I suggest some yoga along with the gym.
That really helped me release and deal with pain and tension I have carried most of my life.