horsegirl

When the time is right to let go, when you have had enough. Enough of begging for love from someone who is not able to love anyone. Enough humiliation. Enough self doubt. Enough crying over something that will not be. Enough hoping "things will change" ect...
One year ago I did not believe it, how stubborn was I?
Today I believe;
My God /Higher power does know when the time is right.
The freeing peacful feeling of acceptance .
It is not me that is lacking as a person (no matter what my A says).
That someone who has an addiction cannot possibly be in any relationship except thier relationship with thier addiction.
That I will be Ok .
I am free to live for only myself.
That my Higher Power is NOT my Alcoholic.
That I am a wonderful person with many friends and support , That means something. I would not having loving support in my life if I truely was the person my A said I was.
Obsession is damaging to my self esteem, letting go brings clarity and a sense that all is well.
The future is NOT in my hands , While I still get to make my own decisions , God really has the plan for me , when I give that to him I get peace.
Self love , acceptance and detachment are my savior , I am now able to live! really live!
whew!
What a journey.

SadInTX

Wow, I soooo needed to read this...today...this morning...this moment..It sounds like you are on a very healthy path...one that I need to get on. Way to go and thank you for sharing! Can I ask, are you still with your A? My AH just last night told me that I am the crazy one...I am the reason he drinks...and so much more. My self esteem and my core being is crushed today...thank you for this...it helps...I know I am so much more than his hurtful words.

horsegirl

Hi SadInTX,
I am not with my AB, I have been "breaking up " with him in my head for a year, however I just could not do it, I was so afraid of falling apart. God new when the right time was for me , I truely believe it. My AB broke up with me last friday. I have been working really hard on my recovery the last year. The last 3 months I have been making great progress, detaching, not reacting as I normally would, quit begging and accepted the situation. I of course, as a good codependent would, thought that when I got healthier our relationship would get better. Well... turns out I did get healthier and he did not like it. He actually told me on Friday that he was super jelous of me and my progress.
Turns out really that the time was right for me, I now truely in my heart know that He does love me but he has no ability to have ANY relationships. It is not that I am lacking, It could have been me or the lady down the street. Again the point is my AB was/is NOT capable of having a relationship with anybody including himself.
I was done , am done and ready for a new adventure , I am excited now for what god has planned for me. Dandylion said the following to me several times; "short term pain for long term gain"
Trust your higher power to know when it is right for you. No matter how breaking free is determined.
It all started when I just talked to myself , affirmed I was a great person , affirmed that I could not control , hope or begg for someone to do right by me. I had to force mysef to pray , it felt awkward at first , but slowly I began seeing signs , signs that my Higher power was listening and guiding my life. Its a bitch at first ..

Kboys

Thanks for this horsegirl, and good for you!!!

knowthetriggers

The journey threw recovery is exhausting but totally worth it! Good for you!!

healthyagain

Great post! Thank you!

honeypig

Horsegirl, thanks for taking the time and effort to post this, and thanks for sharing. Like you, when I first came here and to Alanon, people told me "I'd know" about various things--I'd know if my A was actually working a program and in recovery or if he was still drinking even if I never saw him take a drink, I'd know when/if it was time to end the marriage w/o proof that he was drinking or not.

That all sounded like BS to me--how could I possibly "know" these things unless I pried into everything, unless I watched every penny spent to see if he was buying alcohol, unless he went to every meeting I thought he should go to, unless he followed my plan to get sober? It made no sense to me. "You'll know"--what a load of crap, I thought.

But you know what? As time went by, as I slowly stopped focusing on him and his actions and started thinking about myself and what I needed to do to have a happy, healthy life with or w/o him, I gradually DID start to "know." Not "know" in the sense of knowing exactly what he was or wasn't doing, just "knowing" that various parts of the picture were or weren't something I was willing to live with.

Keep working on your own side of the street, and in time, you'll know. You really will. Just like Horsegirl does.

CarmenLove

Thank you Horsegirl,

Your strength means a lot and makes me feel stronger too. Also some great tie bits on how to get healthy and how to be committed to that (i.e.: I forced myself to pray and began talking to myself).