sortthingsout

How did everything go so wrong? I felt so positive and strong that I wasn't going to go back and now I feel like I've ruined everything after only 5 days. I met up with a friend from way back before I did drugs and thought it was the perfect opportunity to socialise with a couple of drinks and not going back as it was someone I assumed would not be into it. Anyway this was obviously not the case as the conversation went on and after my friend missed their train I said they could stay at mine. I'd been great all evening, happy just having a few drinks and not feeling I needed coke. I was so proud of myself. But when they came back it all went wrong and when it was there on the table I didn't say no. I feel like I've ruined all my hard work and I'm back to square one. So demoralised.

IOAA2

Hi.
During my days of failing I heard "Keep coming, don’t procrastinate." I finally “got it” and sobriety has been a dream come true.

BE WELL

Dee74

Hi sortthingsout.

I'm sorry you slipped but it's a lesson I had to learn a few times until I got it...

If you want change you need to make change.

if I wanted real and lasting change I had to stay away from my usual places, and not hang with the same people

5 days just isn't enough of a break from old you - you've had no time to build 'new you'.

Put 'old you' in old situations and what happens? It's pretty much inevitable.

Don't beat yourself up too much - but don't put yourself in those kinds of situations again, man.

Do you have any support besides SR?

D

sortthingsout

Nope not really, I've started seeing a counsellor about my other issues but haven't mentioned the coke yet. Guess that's on the tick list for tonight. Think I'm avoiding all alcohol and pubs now. I want to make this work and turn this around so much it's just hard to fail and feel so awful the next day. I hope I can sort this out.

IOAA2

In my observations over the years ALL mind altering substances need to be put away for success to be established.
I needed to become totally honest about my abuse to expect any relief.

BE WELL

BikerAcct

This. I quit Alcohol, not anything else. However, I found, that to effectively quite alcohol, I had to quit other things as well. They seemed to go hand in glove with the alcohol. I used to smoke quite a bit of weed, quit that too. I've had the opportunity to smoke it since, but, I've passed. Not because I'm afraid of the weed so to speak, but because I'm afraid of what it might do to my willpower concerning drinking.

Don't take the chance...but it all aside. It's well worth it. Good luck!

strategery

I made some mistakes in early sobriety too, but those mistakes were very valuable learning experiences. One of the things that really helped me early in sobriety, was using percentages. It helped me feel like I was making forward progress. Keep on remembering you are making a lot of progress too. Getting a sober day today, you will have 6 out of 7 days sober. That's 85% sobriety!

sortthingsout

Thanks! I had never thought of it like that and it is such a good way to think. I'm determined to get there now. No alcohol no coke nothing. It makes me miserable and I don't want any of it in my life any more!

sortthingsout

Ashamed to say I'm back here. I sorted everything out for nearly a year but got complacent at the same time a lot of my old pain started coming back into my mind. All in all I've been out on a few nights recently and I know where this path leads, I don't want to undo all my hard work but it feels tough to be starting at the bottom and working my way up again. I've just bought a house and a car, have a new job I'm doing well at so I don't want to ruin all of this - which is what I will do if I fall back into what o was like before.

entropy1964

Welcome back. Sounds like things have improved for you and you have much to lose.

I can't tell from your post, is coke you DOC or alcohol or both? I know that alcohol lowers inhibitions, big time. So resisting the temptation to use others drugs is much more difficult.

Have you thought of posting here more often to help with accountability? Or attending NA/AA?

Soberwolf

Good to see you back working on your recovery

Anna

It's good to see you back and to know you've been doing well. If you are dealing with pain from the past maybe you could try journaling to help get through it, or perhaps consider counselling. I'm glad you posted and I know you can continue on your recovery path.

Dee74

Welcome back sorthingsout
What's your plan?

D

Jim1958

I agree. I used to mix weed and beer. I found them to be cross addicting. Weed makes me want beer, beer is no good without weed. I found I had to quit both.

desertsong

This!

teatreeoil007

I don't want to undo all my hard work but it feels tough to be starting at the bottom and working my way up again.


Get right back up on the wagon, friend! You know what's at stake. You've proven you can do some serious clean&sober time, you've got what it takes. Keep your chin up.

Also-I really don't view you as "starting at the bottom and working your way up again". I truly don't see it that way. You've stumbled. You get up. You get back on track. This is "Life, 101" and this sort of thing happens whether you are an addict or not. Sometimes we stumble and fall, slip, or do a full on crash and burn. Shame be gone, dangnavit, you've got this!

sortthingsout

Coke is the drug I suffer with, alcohol I can take or leave. I just feel like I still haven't dealt with a lot of the issues from my past and I have simply ignored them and used my willpower to stay away - guess that wouldn't have lasted forever when on any night out there are so many people doing it and taking Coke is almost as socially acceptable as drinking these days.

While I was oyt with friends someone brought up some traumatic memories from my past and I just went off on one. Went and bought some, ditched my friends for a house club, made friends with the DJs and didn't turn up until lunch the next day. Anything to not have to face the pain of reality and the stuff from my past,

My friends now won't speak to me for leaving them and I don't blame them, unfortunately this is a pattern which seems to play out whenever I take Coke.

I know things only get worse from here if I keep going and o don't want to ruin everything I worked so hard to rebuild. I'm 22 and I don't want the rest of my life ruined by this. I spoke to the NA helpline yesterday and the guy I spoke to was amazing, just like everyone on here. I'm going to try my first meeting tonight. It's scary to admit I actually am an addict.

sortthingsout

Thanks so mych everyone for your encouraging posts. I'm doing my morning workout and was really struggling to get the motivation as still feeling so down and hating myself for the weekend but these were just what I needed to get my day started a bit better.

Don't worry I will be working hard to try and get back to where I was, it's just such a rough road as you all know.

Thanks for the support it means an awful lot.

endlesspatience

Pleased you're back and sharing with us. I hope that writing and reading here gives you a clearer picture of what's going on. A couple of things are worth bearing in mind at this stage, I think. Cocaine is an illegal drug and if you are arrested with it you face immediate arrest and potentially a prison sentence. In the eyes of British law it is definitely not "as socially acceptable as drinking" - it is a serious offence. You say you recently have a new job. What would happen if your employer knew you were doing cocaine?

The pattern you describe is going out with friends, getting very drunk and then going out looking for coke. I have a feeling you are not being discreet when you do this and this puts you in a risky position with the law, and indeed with dealers who may exploit you.

I'm really pleased that you're taking time now to look at how to make some changes. Life without drugs is perfectly enjoyable and if you keep sharing with us here you'll find lots of support, including from young people your age.

sortthingsout

This is one of the things that make me so angry at myself and hate myself. I know the stakes, I had a high flying city job before and all but lost it due to my problems spiraling before. I worked so hard then to sort things out and now have a new job where I'm seen as reliable and sensible - I also have just got a mortgage for my own house. I can't afford to ruin everything and I know that's what will happen if I don't stop all this now. I'm speaking with my counsellor in half an hour and I'm going to go to NA tonight for the first time. I'm also back on here as its helpful to know I'm not totally alone. It's hard because I feel like I'm such a mess and no one in my life understands or is there for me. I've had a dire relationship with my parents since I was about 14 as my mum was horrific to me and as a result I can't hold relationships or get close to anyone now. I tell myself I like being on my own but really I think it hurts me more deep down.