bluhend

Sometimes I really do feel like "I got this", this moving on from alcohol thing ... and the benefits are very apparent but then there's moments like driving by the new Mexican restaurant that's opening up in my neighborhood and having the automatic thought "can't wait for my wife and I to go have margaritas and a great dinner" or thinking about my birthday or 4th of July or Christmas and then I feel like I don't "got this" at all ... I can't fathom never being able to enjoy certain moments like that, sometimes it just feels really extreme like never having a drink ever again you know? I guess this is part of the price to pay for all the benefits of being sober? But I'm wondering how people have dealt with this kind of feeling successfully? I don't have really horrible rock bottom type stories to encourage myself or that make it obvious that I should never drink again, I'm not saying I didn't have a problem with alcohol, I was drinking too much and daily but now this feels extreme to me sometimes quitting permanently, just wondering if others can relate to this problem in their thinking and curious how they resolved it? thanks very much

Elizabite

A member of my A.A. group gave me great advice for this particular problem. He said "Just think about today". None of us know how much longer we have on this earth, so just thinking about Today, puts it all into perspective for me.

least

The longer I was sober, the less I thought I was 'missing out' on something. Instead, I think about all the bad things drinking brought and I don't miss those at all.

DrunkenDonuts

Bluhend... I guess for some of us the thoughts about the restaurant would be "can't wait for me and the wife to go there, drink too much, make out on the table and spend the next month asking Facebook to remove images of us cooling down under the snow-cone machine."

Or "This fourth of July I'm gonna get so hammered I use the flag as a toga and run around the neighbourhood looking for British people to start a fight with. "

I guess if you can't relate it's a bit harder to look for a reason not to drink, but you *can* still enjoy stuff without booze.

Drinking is different for everyone. Jesus got so wasted he woke up in a cave three days later and we celebrate that as a miracle - largely because he still had his keys and wallet.

Mountainmanbob

Nope, never feel or think as if I'm missing out on anything.

But for me, my last two outings with the liquid devil were no fun at all.

Mountainman

3070

i think the urge is to have something special, to spoil myself. i love margaretas, not the tewquila. so i find ways to get that flavor w/o the alcohol. or i make juice drinks (juice and ginger ale) for a special treat/splurge w/o the alcohol. not sure its ok to replace 1 item with another like that. i look at it like figuring out what i think im missing and then getting it another way. taste, relaxation, socialization, can all happen w/o alcohol.

Anna

I have gained peace of mind and self-respect and nothing else compares to that.

Sasha4

For me I tried to not think too far ahead.

I also found that other people would ask if I was not drinking now or then, would that mean I would not be drinking on their next special birthday, next christmas, holidays planned etc etc.

So the pressure and questioning of my drinking intentions felt like it was twice the load it should have been if that makes sense. My pressure and their pressure.

I found the easiest way to deal with those type of thoughts was to say to myself 'When I get to that holiday, that party, that event, whatever....I will make a decision then, but until then, I'm just not drinking for now, for today'

I found that sort of rational thinking made me feel calmer about the long term for me and it also stopped the pressure from friends and family.

I have done about 3 christmas's, 3 NYE's, 4 all inclusive holidays with as much booze thrown in as possible, numerous 40th birthday celebrations, including my own, without drinking.

I found that when I got to the date or event happening, I was actually not that bothered about drinking. In most cases not bothered at all.

Dee74

I had major FOMO (fear of missing out) for most of my life, so I get it.
It was an insecurity for me. I didn't want to be different.

I got over that - different or not, I genuinely love my life now.

I haven't missed out on anything the last 8 years bluhend - but I missed out on a great deal of things all those years I was drinking.

I think I've said this to you before - noone would stay in recovery if they thought they were losing out on the deal. Noone

Have faith Bluhend - it's gonna be ok

D

dwtbd

DD's post is humorous and speaks to the same issue. But even if you have never made a public spectacle of yourself, have you ever regretted the look on your wife's face when you try and explain why ,even though you said you won't, you ended up drinking more than you thought you would, or even figured you would drink that much but really you had to lie going into , coz ya know?
I ended up doing that kind of thing way more often than the spectacle kind, but it sure felt the same. Staggering, slurring in front of the kids , passing out on the couch , hiding bottles and empties , sneaking around regretting it all and still doing it anyway, sucked.Big time. I finally manned up and stopped , now I don't think of the missed out on margaritas, coz they look like that look in my wife's face not a refreshment, sweet tea now that's a real refreshment !

FreeOwl

that "missing out" feeling gradually evolves into a "gratitude for being free of".

sometimes it tugs at you, and then you smile and fade back into realizing that what you think you're "missing out" is an illusion.

hang in there!

saoutchik

Hi Bluhend, I have about the same sober time as you so I know EXACTLY where your coming from, it is a bit like a bereavement at times.

Like you I never had any fights or drunk driving either. But for all that i was in a pretty bad way. Sometimes I just remember the (few) good bits like the anticipation similar to your Mexican restaurant feelings. Rose tinted beer glasses

One thing that does cheer me up and I'm surprised it doesn't get mentioned more in SR is the money. I'm on day 98 and at £7 a day that is almost £700 (×1.5= $1,050). £7 is a conservative estimate too

Thanks for everyone's replies, It's a question I have been thinking about too

mecanix

There is only one way to confront the fear of living a sober life and that is to live a sober life .
As a problem drinker , an alcoholic , an alcoholic binge drinker however you want describe my issue, the magnifying spectacles of my alcohol abuse wouldn't let me look at future situations without focusing on the prominence of alcohol in those situations .

Nowadays i can drive my loved ones home in safety , we can go to the beach and hold hands , take a midnight stroll .
When i've gone out with drinkers these days , it's supprising what they are like , what i must have been like and i was probably worse .

My life is glorious , i'm good natured, content and happy without alcohol .

Alcohol gave me diminishing returns , the anticipation was better than the use , the belief i was carefree when i was actually careless .

Yer i'm being left out from from poisoning myself with a powerful toxin and missing out on all the ideas people are swallowing along with the drink .

With time and sobriety i have a better job, i drive a nicer car, i can afford to stay in the better hotels and eat in nicer places, savour those experiences and remember them. I'm never hung over and i can be there for my family and friends .

Romanticising alcohol didn't do me any favours , Falling in love with my sober life has helped me no end … you can make your life something glorious too, sober .

Bestwishes, m

DoubleDragons

After a lot of reflection, I realize that the reason that I used to like big "events", social gatherings or parties was so that I could get my drunk on and feel normal about it. I hosted tons of parties at my house but now that I have been sober for a year and a half, I realize I am not quite the party person I thought I was and that I actually prefer quieter nights at home, watching movies, smaller gatherings etc. The only thing that really got me excited about the parties was revving up to get drunk. Further, my friends will often talk about college memories, weddings we all attended, weekends away, etc. that are all a blur to me because I was hammered through so much of it. It makes me sad to have to fake laugh at all of the inside jokes and memories because I honestly don't remember being a part of them, even when I was a part of it all.

Now I enjoy getting dressed up, enjoying an event or a party, staying dignified, remembering what was said and done, getting home at a decent time, getting a good night's sleep and waking up refreshed and unashamed. Is it the same kind of "fun"? I guess not, but the "fun" I was having drunk was manufactured and false (kind of in my own little world) and it had way too many negative side effects that came with it.

OnMyWay7

The number of times you feel like you're missing out are so few compared to just normal life. Yes. Super bowl, 4th July etc but they are just days here and there. In the long run pushing through that one day is ok because there's a bunch of regular days where being sober does feel a lot better.

damascus1986

I've foud that fear usually leads me to do the wrong thing. When im afraid for me its a area im lacking faith in my HP. At a certian point in my recovery the want to use went away i can't say a certain step or on a certian day. I try to keep in my mind that my friends loved ones who drink are normal people im not. I'll never say ive never had that thought or feeling but the benifits ive gained from my new life outweigh any curiosity i had about what a drink tastes like and to be honest i had my share of drinks. Just the way i think about it

Mountainmanbob

The devil wants us to think that we are missing out on something
but, the truth is
there is only one place that he wishes for us not to miss out on.
MB

PurpleKnight

For me St Patrick's Day was a major hurdle living in Ireland, but like everything there are non drinkers who don't drink regardless of the event.

I needed to realise and get comfortable with the fact alcohol is not the centre of the social universe, no matter how much I thought it was!!

Nonsensical

For more than 25 years I have had a voice in my head telling me that I can control my drinking. That there is some workable combination of rules, controls, and limitations I can put on myself so that drinking alcohol will not cause problems.

That voice has lots of reasons why I should drink:
You had a bad day, soothe yourself
You did a great job, celebrate
It's a special occasion, partake like everyone else
You're missing out

And his most convincing argument:
Next time will be different

In 25 years it was never different.

That voice is the voice of my addiction. It isn't misinformed. It isn't mistaken. It lies to me. It intentionally deceives me to get what it wants...alcohol.

I stopped taking the opinions of a known liar into my deliberations on things that are important to me, and my life got a lot better. For 25 years I was a slave to that voice, but now I am free. I highly recommend it.

Believe it will get better.

You can do this.

Latte

Today my life is pretty good-why mess with that?

In the beginning, I listed all the good things that happened when I quit-and then a list of things that happened when I was still drinking/using. In the beginning, I kept that with me in trying situations I brought it out.