Thought Things Were OK? Confused
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 5
Thought Things Were OK? Confused
My wife has been in recovery for over 6 months. We've been enjoying ourselves (at least I have) by going out to dinners, having great sex, and our kids are improving in school after the disaster that was last year (when my wife entered intense outpaitient treatment for alsoholism).
My wife told me that I was not paying enough attention to her recovery and that she felt like she wanted to drink again. I do not know what to say. I've been with her every step of the way and taking care of our kids. We've been going out like I mentioned and it was really starting to turn around and feel great.
She said that I don't say enough in her recovery. She passed 200 days recently and I told her that I was proud of her and thanked her for doing this I know it's hard. But apparently I'm supposed to know the exact number of days. I'm not sure which rules I'm supposed to follow? I do not know what to say when she says she wants to drink. I've never drank alcohol in my life, so I'm not sure what it is I'm supposed to say.
Anyway, she accused me of not paying attention to her recovery and that my not paying attention was the reason that she drank so much in the first place.
We've moved across country for my work (trying to get better paying jobs to support my family) and that was very hard on her and the kids. In the process we had some renters turn into squatters and destroy the home we owned. We decided to declare CH7 BK back in 2012 and give up the house. We are now renting in a very nice house (for us) in a good area.
Back to the arguement she also brought up that it is my fault for losing the house and moving and that I was not paying attention to her when we were back east. I was in the toughest job I have ever had with a truly bipolar supervisor and developed an ulcer because of the job. So as you can see there are a lot of issues for us to deal with. During her recovery she keeps talking about giving up resentments, Its' a big deal because she talks about it quite a bit. But to this point, she's really focused on other people letting go of there resentments of her. I'm not sure she has given up any resentments that she has of other people, including me.
Anyway, I have no clue what to do. How to proceed and of course feel guilty that I've caused so much pain in her life that she has to turn to drinking to numb the pain and that I'm the cause of her life being ******. I'm really getting tired of thinking things are going well and then having these bombshells dropped that we continually have to go over and over again.
I think that I'm not the right person for her? That I do not pay enough attention to her. I have no friends that I hang out with. She is really my best friend and my most favorite person to hang out with. I spend time with my boys and that is it. When things feel like they are going well they really are not because this always happens. I don't think she has ever gotten over the times that I have hurt her or decisions that I've made that did not turn out the way she wanted them too.
This really caught me off guard and I have no idea how to proceed. We were fighting a few days ago and she said that It was my fault for us losing the house and for not paying attention to her when she was drinking (I did confront her but things got violent one time and the other time she accused me of being a horrible father). I was very angry so I left the house. My boys heard us arguing and they were upset that I left. I never leave the house unless its to go to work, the store, to ride my bike or with one of them. My wife told my kids that I was going to hit her (I was not and I never have hit her) and she was texting me and telling me I'm emotionally constipated and that I'm a coward for not replying to her texts. She also yelled at the kids because they were upset at her for our fight, and she asked them if she should move out.
This last arguement has shaken me to the core. I know I've said it before but things seemed to be going so well. We (I guess just me) were having a lot of good times and enjoying her being sober.
Anyway, WTF?
Help?
My wife told me that I was not paying enough attention to her recovery and that she felt like she wanted to drink again. I do not know what to say. I've been with her every step of the way and taking care of our kids. We've been going out like I mentioned and it was really starting to turn around and feel great.
She said that I don't say enough in her recovery. She passed 200 days recently and I told her that I was proud of her and thanked her for doing this I know it's hard. But apparently I'm supposed to know the exact number of days. I'm not sure which rules I'm supposed to follow? I do not know what to say when she says she wants to drink. I've never drank alcohol in my life, so I'm not sure what it is I'm supposed to say.
Anyway, she accused me of not paying attention to her recovery and that my not paying attention was the reason that she drank so much in the first place.
We've moved across country for my work (trying to get better paying jobs to support my family) and that was very hard on her and the kids. In the process we had some renters turn into squatters and destroy the home we owned. We decided to declare CH7 BK back in 2012 and give up the house. We are now renting in a very nice house (for us) in a good area.
Back to the arguement she also brought up that it is my fault for losing the house and moving and that I was not paying attention to her when we were back east. I was in the toughest job I have ever had with a truly bipolar supervisor and developed an ulcer because of the job. So as you can see there are a lot of issues for us to deal with. During her recovery she keeps talking about giving up resentments, Its' a big deal because she talks about it quite a bit. But to this point, she's really focused on other people letting go of there resentments of her. I'm not sure she has given up any resentments that she has of other people, including me.
Anyway, I have no clue what to do. How to proceed and of course feel guilty that I've caused so much pain in her life that she has to turn to drinking to numb the pain and that I'm the cause of her life being ******. I'm really getting tired of thinking things are going well and then having these bombshells dropped that we continually have to go over and over again.
I think that I'm not the right person for her? That I do not pay enough attention to her. I have no friends that I hang out with. She is really my best friend and my most favorite person to hang out with. I spend time with my boys and that is it. When things feel like they are going well they really are not because this always happens. I don't think she has ever gotten over the times that I have hurt her or decisions that I've made that did not turn out the way she wanted them too.
This really caught me off guard and I have no idea how to proceed. We were fighting a few days ago and she said that It was my fault for us losing the house and for not paying attention to her when she was drinking (I did confront her but things got violent one time and the other time she accused me of being a horrible father). I was very angry so I left the house. My boys heard us arguing and they were upset that I left. I never leave the house unless its to go to work, the store, to ride my bike or with one of them. My wife told my kids that I was going to hit her (I was not and I never have hit her) and she was texting me and telling me I'm emotionally constipated and that I'm a coward for not replying to her texts. She also yelled at the kids because they were upset at her for our fight, and she asked them if she should move out.
This last arguement has shaken me to the core. I know I've said it before but things seemed to be going so well. We (I guess just me) were having a lot of good times and enjoying her being sober.
Anyway, WTF?
Help?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
From what you've said it sounds like her AV (Addictive Voice) is searching for an excuse to drink. Relapses happen in the head before they happen in life. I'm sorry you and your boys are in this situation.
Did you ever pursue any support of your own, like Al-Anon or counseling?
Did you ever pursue any support of your own, like Al-Anon or counseling?
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
So sorry you are living with this!
She is miserable sober and wants an excuse to relapse. She has not taken responsibility for her drinking yet and is still looking for someone to blame. She would drink with or without you. She would drink if you were ignoring her or had yourself surgically grafted to her side. She is a dry drunk who has only put down the bottle, but hasn't addressed the underlying causes of he drinking. It's not that you are not the right man for her. NO MAN is the right man for her because her first love is alcohol.
Do not blame yourself. Her condition is in no way your fault and you cannot fix it. Only she can do that. Your priority is to protect your children from an abusive drunk. And make no mistake, calling you names, yelling at the kids and asking them if she should move IS emotional abuse! Don't sugar coat that! She has got to get help or she will destroy your family more than she is.
Please seek help for yourself. You have to find strength. Some people here like al a non. I'm not a fan, but it may work for you. Seek a therapist who is TRAINED in substance abuse and domestic violence. Most lay counselors and pastors are not. Please keep posting and reading the ESH of the people here. (((Hugs)))
She is miserable sober and wants an excuse to relapse. She has not taken responsibility for her drinking yet and is still looking for someone to blame. She would drink with or without you. She would drink if you were ignoring her or had yourself surgically grafted to her side. She is a dry drunk who has only put down the bottle, but hasn't addressed the underlying causes of he drinking. It's not that you are not the right man for her. NO MAN is the right man for her because her first love is alcohol.
Do not blame yourself. Her condition is in no way your fault and you cannot fix it. Only she can do that. Your priority is to protect your children from an abusive drunk. And make no mistake, calling you names, yelling at the kids and asking them if she should move IS emotional abuse! Don't sugar coat that! She has got to get help or she will destroy your family more than she is.
Please seek help for yourself. You have to find strength. Some people here like al a non. I'm not a fan, but it may work for you. Seek a therapist who is TRAINED in substance abuse and domestic violence. Most lay counselors and pastors are not. Please keep posting and reading the ESH of the people here. (((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 115
This is really funny, I just had this conversation with my wife last night about resentments. I told her that she is holding to resentments and has a very hard time letting go (which she admitted herself in therapy). And if we were to make this work, she has to address her resentments and actively work on them.
And the answer I kept getting in return is 'that is how I am', 'you need to prove'.....etc.
I have read this in many places, 'guilt' and 'resentments' is the driver behind someone abusing substances. So unless those get addressed the personality is not going to change. Alcohol is just a 'symptom' of the greater issue.
And the answer I kept getting in return is 'that is how I am', 'you need to prove'.....etc.
I have read this in many places, 'guilt' and 'resentments' is the driver behind someone abusing substances. So unless those get addressed the personality is not going to change. Alcohol is just a 'symptom' of the greater issue.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Jeez she is a real you know what. It is not your responsibility to count her days or be her cheerleader. She does need to work on her resentments.
It is not your job to make her happy or live her life. Right now not only are you not the right person for her no one is.
I am a recovering alcoholic, wife and mom. Your wife is not taking responsibility for herself or her problems.
It is not your job to make her happy or live her life. Right now not only are you not the right person for her no one is.
I am a recovering alcoholic, wife and mom. Your wife is not taking responsibility for herself or her problems.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
Welcome you will have many friends here, when you feel upset you will get great support here. It's not your fault that she is the way she is.. We all have problems and hurts and we all do bad and wrong things as a result of our fear, pain, stress but we can only look to ourselves for the answers to our concerns .. She has to defeat alcoholism by looking within, by asking herself the questions only she can answer. I am sorry that you are in this position, she must be struggling with her inner child. It sounds like your inner child's all grown up but hers isn't.. That's probably where she doesn't understand you needing to work hard to look after the family.. I am sorry your going through this. Just take one minute at a time..
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
One of the 12 steps is working on your own resentments, not the other way around (IMO). "Clean up your side of the street". It is much easier for an addict to blame others around them than look at themselves and deal with their own issues. I even have similar issues with this. Have you asked her specifically what she needs from you? Does she go to a therapist? You cannot be her everything...hopefully she is talking to sponsor. It sounds like she is just not happy. At least she is verbalizing it and not keeping it in, even though the way she is doing it is not very healthy. My AH blames everything on me so I understand how that feels. And mine is actively drinking so it is much worse. I have been to Al anon before and it is a great program. Maybe you could attend some meetings. Sorry you are going through this. Glad you posted. You helped me too, knowing we are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
My wife told me that I was not paying enough attention to her recovery and that she felt like she wanted to drink again.
I agree with Florence; it sounds like her addictive voice is looking for a reason to drink.
Is she in AA?
Are you in Al-Anon?
Both of those things might be helpful.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
This. I completely agree. She wants to drink and she wants you to blame so she does not have to face herself.
I also agree about a therapist trained in addiction for yourself. And for her separately if she is willing. I would say seeing a psychiatrist who specializes in helping families with addiction is one of the most important things I could have ever done for myself in dealing with my X husband's addiction.
And there are many different support groups also. There is SMART, Alanon, Celebrate Recovery, CRAFT, all different types. Research what you think might work for you. Most importantly, find a group you click with so you have face to face support from people who truly get it.
And of course, SR is a place of great support. We are here for you!
I also agree about a therapist trained in addiction for yourself. And for her separately if she is willing. I would say seeing a psychiatrist who specializes in helping families with addiction is one of the most important things I could have ever done for myself in dealing with my X husband's addiction.
And there are many different support groups also. There is SMART, Alanon, Celebrate Recovery, CRAFT, all different types. Research what you think might work for you. Most importantly, find a group you click with so you have face to face support from people who truly get it.
And of course, SR is a place of great support. We are here for you!
Originally Posted by Duckygirl1 
So sorry you are living with this!
She is miserable sober and wants an excuse to relapse. She has not taken responsibility for her drinking yet and is still looking for someone to blame. She would drink with or without you. She would drink if you were ignoring her or had yourself surgically grafted to her side. She is a dry drunk who has only put down the bottle, but hasn't addressed the underlying causes of he drinking. It's not that you are not the right man for her. NO MAN is the right man for her because her first love is alcohol.
Do not blame yourself. Her condition is in no way your fault and you cannot fix it. Only she can do that. Your priority is to protect your children from an abusive drunk. And make no mistake, calling you names, yelling at the kids and asking them if she should move IS emotional abuse! Don't sugar coat that! She has got to get help or she will destroy your family more than she is.
Please seek help for yourself. You have to find strength. Some people here like al a non. I'm not a fan, but it may work for you. Seek a therapist who is TRAINED in substance abuse and domestic violence. Most lay counselors and pastors are not. Please keep posting and reading the ESH of the people here. (((Hugs)))
She is miserable sober and wants an excuse to relapse. She has not taken responsibility for her drinking yet and is still looking for someone to blame. She would drink with or without you. She would drink if you were ignoring her or had yourself surgically grafted to her side. She is a dry drunk who has only put down the bottle, but hasn't addressed the underlying causes of he drinking. It's not that you are not the right man for her. NO MAN is the right man for her because her first love is alcohol.
Do not blame yourself. Her condition is in no way your fault and you cannot fix it. Only she can do that. Your priority is to protect your children from an abusive drunk. And make no mistake, calling you names, yelling at the kids and asking them if she should move IS emotional abuse! Don't sugar coat that! She has got to get help or she will destroy your family more than she is.
Please seek help for yourself. You have to find strength. Some people here like al a non. I'm not a fan, but it may work for you. Seek a therapist who is TRAINED in substance abuse and domestic violence. Most lay counselors and pastors are not. Please keep posting and reading the ESH of the people here. (((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Sadly it sounds like she is setting the stage to relapse again. Like Sparklekitty said, relapses happen in the head first. She is like a tornado right now sucking everyone and everything in building up energy to justify why she is going to drink again.
We, you, don’t cause another person to drink! Life situations don’t cause another person to drink!
Her drinking, her obsessive thoughts to drink really has nothing at all to do with you, your children, your financial situation, your move none of that makes your wife drink. She drinks because she is an alcoholic.
I would suggest looking into al-anon for your- self and or counseling.
We, you, don’t cause another person to drink! Life situations don’t cause another person to drink!
Her drinking, her obsessive thoughts to drink really has nothing at all to do with you, your children, your financial situation, your move none of that makes your wife drink. She drinks because she is an alcoholic.
I would suggest looking into al-anon for your- self and or counseling.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 5
I'm going to an Al-Anon meeting tonight. I'm not much of a sharer so it will be uncomfortable.
I'm filled with such dread right now. I don't think I'll be able to make it through this kind of stuff.
I can't even verbalize the pain, hurt, sorrow, any of it. If I think about my kids I cry. And I don't even blame my wife...I think deep down I'm the problem with her and I cause her to do things she would not ordinarly do. I don't believe she'll ever be happy with me.
My whole world has changed. I mean I really, really thought things were going well and it's just back to her being unhappy and my not paying enough attention to her. I'm not sure how much more attention I can give? We go out to eat for dinners every week, we go grocery shopping together every weekend, we are both busy at work and with our kids...and its not enough.
She likes to call my a Martyr too, so now just puting my feelings down here to anonymous strangers makes me feel weak like I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I can't feel that either.
Sorry to vomit on this forum, I know that many of you have your own struggles...I wish that I was really stupid and ignorant sometimes. You know the whole ignorance is bliss saying really is true. I was given just enough intelligence to realize that I'm not really all that smart. It really is a curse, I try to think things and feel feelings but I've never done it right. Don't express myself the right way, don't takes other peoples feelings the right way.
Ahhh....hate to be a whiner. Thanks for the advice so far.
I'm filled with such dread right now. I don't think I'll be able to make it through this kind of stuff.
I can't even verbalize the pain, hurt, sorrow, any of it. If I think about my kids I cry. And I don't even blame my wife...I think deep down I'm the problem with her and I cause her to do things she would not ordinarly do. I don't believe she'll ever be happy with me.
My whole world has changed. I mean I really, really thought things were going well and it's just back to her being unhappy and my not paying enough attention to her. I'm not sure how much more attention I can give? We go out to eat for dinners every week, we go grocery shopping together every weekend, we are both busy at work and with our kids...and its not enough.
She likes to call my a Martyr too, so now just puting my feelings down here to anonymous strangers makes me feel weak like I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I can't feel that either.
Sorry to vomit on this forum, I know that many of you have your own struggles...I wish that I was really stupid and ignorant sometimes. You know the whole ignorance is bliss saying really is true. I was given just enough intelligence to realize that I'm not really all that smart. It really is a curse, I try to think things and feel feelings but I've never done it right. Don't express myself the right way, don't takes other peoples feelings the right way.
Ahhh....hate to be a whiner. Thanks for the advice so far.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
DyingAlone that is a Lie from the pit of hell!!!!! She is condemning you for her sinful ways!!!! She is doing this not you - don't let her bully you like this!!!!!! Look at what she has done to your confidence and self esteem.. Sounds like she has abused you badly. I am so sorry you are going through this!!! Stay strong and know that we are here for you every step of the way.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Relapse happens long before we drink and from the sounds of it she walking a razors edge. I would highly recommend ALANON for you and it is imperative she starts a program of recovery. For me it was professional help and lots of AA. Alcoholism is the symptom of other problems that have to be addressed if we have any hope of staying sober.
As they say in ALANON
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
She needs help that you can't provide.
As they say in ALANON
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
She needs help that you can't provide.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
This is NOT your fault. Understand? Not at all. You are not dumb, you are not insensitive, you are not a martyr. She says those things to cut you down and hurt you. That's wrong.
Go to the meeting tonight. You are under no obligation to say a word. Just listen. That is all a lot of people do. You are not wasting time on here or burdening anyone. We are all here to share our pain and to share our growth. You are no longer alone. We will always be here for you
Go to the meeting tonight. You are under no obligation to say a word. Just listen. That is all a lot of people do. You are not wasting time on here or burdening anyone. We are all here to share our pain and to share our growth. You are no longer alone. We will always be here for you
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by DyingAlone
I'm going to an Al-Anon meeting tonight. I'm not much of a sharer so it will be uncomfortable.
I'm filled with such dread right now. I don't think I'll be able to make it through this kind of stuff.
I can't even verbalize the pain, hurt, sorrow, any of it. If I think about my kids I cry. And I don't even blame my wife...I think deep down I'm the problem with her and I cause her to do things she would not ordinarly do. I don't believe she'll ever be happy with me.
I'm filled with such dread right now. I don't think I'll be able to make it through this kind of stuff.
I can't even verbalize the pain, hurt, sorrow, any of it. If I think about my kids I cry. And I don't even blame my wife...I think deep down I'm the problem with her and I cause her to do things she would not ordinarly do. I don't believe she'll ever be happy with me.
You and your wife sound very enmeshed with each other, all the time. That used to be my idea of a 'good' relationship, but now it's my idea of an unhealthy one. The notion that someone can 'make' another person happy is Hollywood's. The only person who can complete me is me.
You should not be pressured to share in Al-Anon, and you will get a lot out of just listening. You are allowed to "pass". If it isn't comfortable you, please seek one on one counseling to address your issues of not feeling like you are good enough for your wife or that you have any control over her choices and behaviors.
I had all of those same feelings growing up with an alcoholic mother -- it was my fault she was unhappy, yelled, drank, ignored us, etc. If only I was a better daughter she would be the mother I wanted her to be. It took time to learn and understand that I did not Cause, could not Control, and could not Cure her drinking. It took time to see how I had sought partners in relationships that mirrored the one that I had with my mother -- always trying to prove myself good enough to be loved, always setting myself up to believe the exact opposite to be true by choosing emotionally unavailable people and addicts to become involved with.
I had to accept that my mother couldn't love me the way I deserved, and that it had nothing to do with me. I had to accept that my mother would either seek recovery or not, and that it had nothing to do with me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
She is doing a lot of what we call "Quacking".
You have NOTHING to do with her recovery. That is all on her and as others have said she is setting herself up for a fall. Big Time!
It's much easier to blame everything on you then take a good long look in the mirror.
I feel bad for you , do not let her projecting mess with you head. Easier said then done I know. Been there, done that.
You have NOTHING to do with her recovery. That is all on her and as others have said she is setting herself up for a fall. Big Time!
It's much easier to blame everything on you then take a good long look in the mirror.
I feel bad for you , do not let her projecting mess with you head. Easier said then done I know. Been there, done that.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi DA, what she's saying to you is her perception, and is strongly coloured by her personality and struggles with alcohol. I agree with the other posters that she's probably working up to a relapse, and looking for a scapegoat. This shows an alarming lack of self-awareness.
You're in a very dark place, where your whole perception of yourself is coloured by her attitude. I can't say it enough - please find a counsellor to talk to. This will give you perspective and strategies and help you function. You can keep it secret, or tell her, but there's no need to apologise for having your own counsellor. It could be very important to your own welfare and that of your boys.
Has she been diagnosed with a personality disorder by any chance? Because she seems irrational, self-centred and aggressive. And I bet she would be with anyone else too, not just you. Her using the boys in your arguments (accusing you of being about to hit her is very serious) is quite alarming.
I suggest you stop running around trying to please her or satisfy unreasonable demands. Trying to keep the peace is not going to be effective in the long run. Stick to your principles of being a good family man, but don't jump through hoops. It never works.
You're in a very dark place, where your whole perception of yourself is coloured by her attitude. I can't say it enough - please find a counsellor to talk to. This will give you perspective and strategies and help you function. You can keep it secret, or tell her, but there's no need to apologise for having your own counsellor. It could be very important to your own welfare and that of your boys.
Has she been diagnosed with a personality disorder by any chance? Because she seems irrational, self-centred and aggressive. And I bet she would be with anyone else too, not just you. Her using the boys in your arguments (accusing you of being about to hit her is very serious) is quite alarming.
I suggest you stop running around trying to please her or satisfy unreasonable demands. Trying to keep the peace is not going to be effective in the long run. Stick to your principles of being a good family man, but don't jump through hoops. It never works.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 71
Holy kayaks batman! I'm so sorry you are going through this but I'm equally appreciative that you found this place and gathered the strength to share and let it out. You are helping me, and others I suspect, more than you probably realize right now. You've received exceptional suggestions and support, I'm not sure I could expand....but I will try.
Definitely go to the meeting tonight and if I may suggest, if you feel uncomfortable sharing, dive in. I'm sure you might have already gleaned some strength in "anonomously" sharing this AM and in my experience, the F2F sharing might surprise you. There should be no shortage of people that will not only identify with you but may also provide one word or peices of advice that you can take away for your tool box.
It's been said already but I'll reitoriate. Regardless of what you "may" or may not" have done, this is not Your fault OR your battle. It's hers, to win or loose in my opinion. She is the one that needs to help herself. It's only your job to continue to be the best person you can be and provide a healthy example to your children while this works itself out (generally speaking, I know it's much more than that). Can I ask? What has she been doing in HER recovery since ending outpatient besides just letting the squirrels in her head run rampant? I only ask as I would like to try and pass along some personal experience on how I felt during the first few months of sobriety and what kinds of insane, mental torture I made my spouse and family endure while I tried to figure "it" out.
Hang in there my friend, I know you are shook to the core but as crazy as it sounds, you will be better for taking this very brave step in trying to figure this out in a healthy, positive way.
Sorry, I forgot something. You mentioned that you have never drank? Don't let that deter your plane of reference. IMHO, the core of the issue is not simply alcohol, it's the dysfunction or possible maladies that are "masked" by the alcohol. You don't have to drink in order to be able to identify with your partner and provide support, don't let her use that against you. You are showing more courage, love and support, just by being here and that is huge and very inspiring in my book.
Stand tall, as you are right now.
OGK
Definitely go to the meeting tonight and if I may suggest, if you feel uncomfortable sharing, dive in. I'm sure you might have already gleaned some strength in "anonomously" sharing this AM and in my experience, the F2F sharing might surprise you. There should be no shortage of people that will not only identify with you but may also provide one word or peices of advice that you can take away for your tool box.
It's been said already but I'll reitoriate. Regardless of what you "may" or may not" have done, this is not Your fault OR your battle. It's hers, to win or loose in my opinion. She is the one that needs to help herself. It's only your job to continue to be the best person you can be and provide a healthy example to your children while this works itself out (generally speaking, I know it's much more than that). Can I ask? What has she been doing in HER recovery since ending outpatient besides just letting the squirrels in her head run rampant? I only ask as I would like to try and pass along some personal experience on how I felt during the first few months of sobriety and what kinds of insane, mental torture I made my spouse and family endure while I tried to figure "it" out.
Hang in there my friend, I know you are shook to the core but as crazy as it sounds, you will be better for taking this very brave step in trying to figure this out in a healthy, positive way.
Sorry, I forgot something. You mentioned that you have never drank? Don't let that deter your plane of reference. IMHO, the core of the issue is not simply alcohol, it's the dysfunction or possible maladies that are "masked" by the alcohol. You don't have to drink in order to be able to identify with your partner and provide support, don't let her use that against you. You are showing more courage, love and support, just by being here and that is huge and very inspiring in my book.
Stand tall, as you are right now.
OGK
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Yeah, to echo everyone else....you could have thrown here a parade for her 200 days, and it sounds like it still wouldn't be good enough. Sounds like she wants to drink, and she wants to blame you for it. I'm sorry. Please stay the course on your own recovery! (((Hugs))) and wishing the best for you and your family!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dyingalone....is she working any kind of program besides "therapy".
Therapy doesn't necessarily address alcoholism.
Not drinking is not the same thing as recovery.
Are you sure--beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is not "sipping" behind your back?
It has been know to happen......
dandylion
Therapy doesn't necessarily address alcoholism.
Not drinking is not the same thing as recovery.
Are you sure--beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is not "sipping" behind your back?
It has been know to happen......
dandylion
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