Hello =) (warning...long intro post)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Hello =) (warning...long intro post)
Hi y'all I'm Teggie, I have come to a point in my recovery where I feel I should introduce myself here. I have been active in Alanon and on the Freinds of the Alcoholic forum since I hit bottom after a seperation from my AH and decided I needed help. I'm married to a alcoholic, and my dad, sister and paternal grandfather are alcoholics also. I have noticed in my recovery lately that alot of things about my childhood keep popping up. Stuff that I have had put up for years. In my dreams and in my daily life. I feel the need to talk about the 3 main alcoholics that were apart of my childhood. If you can bear being bored lol.
My father has been a drinker as long as I can remember, he was an oil feild worker and although he never drank on the job he drank planty in the bars afterwards. My mother left him when I was 4 and my sister was 9. She'd had enough with him running around on her and his drinking, she told him to pick his family or the booze, he chose the booze and that was that. I had very sporadic contact with him over the years, mostly he would call when he was drunk and feeling guilty I guess, calling me "baby" and making promises he'd never keep. He never hardly paid child support, my mom really had to rough it as a single mom with no education, miminal wage jobs. Everytime they'd raise the rent we'd have to move, sometimes we moved 5-6 times a year. But my mom did the best she could, she was stressed alot and irritable but we got by. Over my adulthood my relationship with my dad has never really improved, he's now a lonely old drunk living on social security and his favorite thing is to talk about old days with his cronies at the VFW. He never remarried, in fact he's not ever had any close relationships at all that I know of. My sister tries to keep in touch with him but I think he's happier being left alone. I see him at gatherings and such, but I just can't be close to him.
My sister is 5 years older than me. It hurt her badly when our parants split. When she became a teenager she quickly fell into drugs and booze, ended up pregnant at 15 and married. Had a volatile relationship with two alcoholic men, went to rehab 3 X's, finally just last year she had to serve 60 days in jail for violation of parole. Beleive it or not she's been clean and sober and active in AA for a year now. I'm so proud of her. She was absent during alot of my teen years, we never really bonded well, we love each other but we don't have that real closeness I've seen other siblings have.
My Ex-stepfather OMG, let me take a deep breath here, this is the hardest part for me. When I was 11 my mom started dating a guy from a local town, he was always real nice when he came around. My sister and I went to see family for a week that summer and when we returned we had been moved to a small 2 bedroom apt in the metroplex, in a kinda shady side of town, were we ever surprised, new school, new everything! My sister rebelled quickly, got pregnant, married and moved back to our hometown. I remained there. It wasn't long till it began, I wasn't a pretty child, kinda homely actually and I was very naive and in short kinda stupid. My stepdad had a mental problem, he must have, it's all that makes sense to me now. He drank, alot, kept his beer locked up in his desk because he was convinced I would prowl around when they were gone. My mom worked during the day and he would keep me at home unless I was at school. He would come into my room and tell me how sorry I was, how I would'nt ever amount to anything, my mom was sorry and my whole family too, he said I should be shipped off in a box somewhere. Then he would threaten me not to say anything to my mom about it, this went on daily, when she was home I got a break but they would fight, horribly, I remember being scared to death that I would need to crawl out a window and go call the police. To complicate things my mom became pregnant with my brother, and I guess she didn't really see what was going on with me at the time and just wanted a "family" So my brother was born, he took me to the hospital to see him all the while telling me I wasn't good enough to touch his son. Things got worse from then out, I started skipping school, the fights occured more and more and when I had to endure his rants I got really good at blocking him out. I could'nt have anything to do with my baby brother, who I loved very much, I was forced to stay in my room and even eat in there because I guess my prescence at the dinner table disgusted him. Finally it got to the point that we left him and moved to a nearby city, stayed with some friends and got our own place, things were better then but I still remember having violent nightmares and awaking to find I had crawled out the window during my sleep and was on the patio. I would think I'd see him around our place and every now and then he would call when mom was at work and tell me he was coming to get my brother. I was terrified. I kept my brother alot while mom worked, she had no choice, but with extra time on my hands I'd usually find the wrong people to hang out with. I never drank nor drugged but I married up with the first boy that asked and left home at 17. After 16 years of marriage I discovered I was a different person, me and my husband had grown apart, and I left and divorced him. I met my current husband the next year and here I am today. I managed to go to college, get a degree and I can make a decent living. I'm trying desperatly not to fail my kids, they mean everything to me. My mom, several years later remarried and has been active in Alanon for several years, we talk about the old days, I tell her I know she didn't see it all and I have forgiven her. It still hurts her badly to this day. She has tried to get me into alanon for years but I would'nt go, I was afraid too, I didn't want to bring old hurts back up. Now my childhood is coming back in peices and I'm confused about how to handle it all. It took alot for me to write this but I felt I should. Sorry for the mega long post, thanks for listening, Teggie
My father has been a drinker as long as I can remember, he was an oil feild worker and although he never drank on the job he drank planty in the bars afterwards. My mother left him when I was 4 and my sister was 9. She'd had enough with him running around on her and his drinking, she told him to pick his family or the booze, he chose the booze and that was that. I had very sporadic contact with him over the years, mostly he would call when he was drunk and feeling guilty I guess, calling me "baby" and making promises he'd never keep. He never hardly paid child support, my mom really had to rough it as a single mom with no education, miminal wage jobs. Everytime they'd raise the rent we'd have to move, sometimes we moved 5-6 times a year. But my mom did the best she could, she was stressed alot and irritable but we got by. Over my adulthood my relationship with my dad has never really improved, he's now a lonely old drunk living on social security and his favorite thing is to talk about old days with his cronies at the VFW. He never remarried, in fact he's not ever had any close relationships at all that I know of. My sister tries to keep in touch with him but I think he's happier being left alone. I see him at gatherings and such, but I just can't be close to him.
My sister is 5 years older than me. It hurt her badly when our parants split. When she became a teenager she quickly fell into drugs and booze, ended up pregnant at 15 and married. Had a volatile relationship with two alcoholic men, went to rehab 3 X's, finally just last year she had to serve 60 days in jail for violation of parole. Beleive it or not she's been clean and sober and active in AA for a year now. I'm so proud of her. She was absent during alot of my teen years, we never really bonded well, we love each other but we don't have that real closeness I've seen other siblings have.
My Ex-stepfather OMG, let me take a deep breath here, this is the hardest part for me. When I was 11 my mom started dating a guy from a local town, he was always real nice when he came around. My sister and I went to see family for a week that summer and when we returned we had been moved to a small 2 bedroom apt in the metroplex, in a kinda shady side of town, were we ever surprised, new school, new everything! My sister rebelled quickly, got pregnant, married and moved back to our hometown. I remained there. It wasn't long till it began, I wasn't a pretty child, kinda homely actually and I was very naive and in short kinda stupid. My stepdad had a mental problem, he must have, it's all that makes sense to me now. He drank, alot, kept his beer locked up in his desk because he was convinced I would prowl around when they were gone. My mom worked during the day and he would keep me at home unless I was at school. He would come into my room and tell me how sorry I was, how I would'nt ever amount to anything, my mom was sorry and my whole family too, he said I should be shipped off in a box somewhere. Then he would threaten me not to say anything to my mom about it, this went on daily, when she was home I got a break but they would fight, horribly, I remember being scared to death that I would need to crawl out a window and go call the police. To complicate things my mom became pregnant with my brother, and I guess she didn't really see what was going on with me at the time and just wanted a "family" So my brother was born, he took me to the hospital to see him all the while telling me I wasn't good enough to touch his son. Things got worse from then out, I started skipping school, the fights occured more and more and when I had to endure his rants I got really good at blocking him out. I could'nt have anything to do with my baby brother, who I loved very much, I was forced to stay in my room and even eat in there because I guess my prescence at the dinner table disgusted him. Finally it got to the point that we left him and moved to a nearby city, stayed with some friends and got our own place, things were better then but I still remember having violent nightmares and awaking to find I had crawled out the window during my sleep and was on the patio. I would think I'd see him around our place and every now and then he would call when mom was at work and tell me he was coming to get my brother. I was terrified. I kept my brother alot while mom worked, she had no choice, but with extra time on my hands I'd usually find the wrong people to hang out with. I never drank nor drugged but I married up with the first boy that asked and left home at 17. After 16 years of marriage I discovered I was a different person, me and my husband had grown apart, and I left and divorced him. I met my current husband the next year and here I am today. I managed to go to college, get a degree and I can make a decent living. I'm trying desperatly not to fail my kids, they mean everything to me. My mom, several years later remarried and has been active in Alanon for several years, we talk about the old days, I tell her I know she didn't see it all and I have forgiven her. It still hurts her badly to this day. She has tried to get me into alanon for years but I would'nt go, I was afraid too, I didn't want to bring old hurts back up. Now my childhood is coming back in peices and I'm confused about how to handle it all. It took alot for me to write this but I felt I should. Sorry for the mega long post, thanks for listening, Teggie
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Pooh Corner, USA
Posts: 116
Wow,
Don't apologize for the length........
What a powerful piece of writing. As you told your story, the story still remained being told in a calm voice. You have an amazing way to endure and forgive. I wish you the best because it seems that you have much pain to work through and much wrong doings to undo!!!!!
You should not have been subjected to any of it. I can empathize with your feeling to protect your children and not do them any harm. I feel the same. With so much anger and pain it is hard to not penetrate that onto others when we are so close.
Good luck with your progress.....
Don't apologize for the length........
What a powerful piece of writing. As you told your story, the story still remained being told in a calm voice. You have an amazing way to endure and forgive. I wish you the best because it seems that you have much pain to work through and much wrong doings to undo!!!!!
You should not have been subjected to any of it. I can empathize with your feeling to protect your children and not do them any harm. I feel the same. With so much anger and pain it is hard to not penetrate that onto others when we are so close.
Good luck with your progress.....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Wow, you got a lot of things out in that post. Good for you.
No one wants to bring up old hurts.
The thing is, they'll come up anyway in some strange form if left unaddressed.
You sound like you are on your way to healing your inner child.
And that is a very good thing.
No one wants to bring up old hurts.
The thing is, they'll come up anyway in some strange form if left unaddressed.
You sound like you are on your way to healing your inner child.
And that is a very good thing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Thanks everyone! I appreciate the support, writing that post has been a long time coming. Years and years I tried to bury it all, it wasn't till now, in my recovery I've realized what affect it has had on my life, how it has influenced so many things and how I need to deal with it all. I have always been very close to my mom, she means the world to me, but deep deep down I think the child in me is still angry. The child doesn't see how she couldn't have seen what was going on, the adult in me understands but the child doesn't. It feels like betrayel on my part because I love her so much. I want to be closer to my sister. I want a close relationship with her, however I falter, I can't seem to "put myself out there" to do it. Same with my dad, I realize he won't be around forever, eventually the booze is going to kill him, will I regret not reaching out? At the same time I'm terrified of opening myself up to hurt, I feel so vulnerable, like anything could tip me over the edge. This has helped tremendously, just to write it out, I can go back and read it anytime. I can type it real well but when it comes to talking, I'm all thumbs. I've been working so hard dealing with myself and my AH, how can I work on my child too? I didn't want to face this now, however evidently my HP thinks otherwise. Sometimes I think I need a shrink, I don't think I've realized just how messed up I am. Thanks again everybody, Teggie
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Teggie, have you seen the Disney movie "The Kid". It's the one where Bruce Willis's ten-year-old self manifests in living form and starts hanging out with him. It gave me a lot of interesting thoughts about what my ten-year-old self would say to me about how I'm living my life right now. And it inspired some very good dialogue between me and my inner child. I call her The Kid because of the movie. And she is very concerned because I don't like SweetTarts anymore. 
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