Newcomer and first post

Old 04-05-2015, 09:47 PM
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Newcomer and first post

I know I should probably have stopped by the newcomers section first but I'm pretty distressed right now and I felt this would be the best place to start. My AH got belligerent with me tonight. We've been together for 7 years and have 2 beautiful little boys, both under the age of 5. I have no history of alcoholism in my family or any experience with dealing with it. I didn't realize until after we were married and I was pregnant that he had a real problem and since then it's been a never-ending struggle coming to terms with it. I started lurking on here after stumbling upon descriptions of the alcoholic personality and I felt like so many people were telling what happens in my home. I live with two husbands--one I married and the other is this belligerent jerk who flies off the handle at the drop of a pin and blames me for everything, especially his drinking. I learned a long time ago to avoid being around him when he drinks but sometimes I step on the land mine regardless of my precautions. Tonight was one of those nights. I should mention that my mother-in-law lives with is too and over time she has chosen to believe him when he blames me for his drinking, so I am the only one who ever tells him the truth. She also tells anyone who will listen our business so she has convinced others in the family that I am the source of his misery. As a result I'm the only one who has the bullseye for his attacks and he feels justified because his family enables him to deny his problem. Just tonight his mother took him out drinking (she herself does not drink) and recently I found out that she sometimes let's him drive her car when he's "not too drunk", which has ended since he got pulled over by cops who didn't even give him a warning but spooked him enough to stop doing trying to get away with it. He is high-functioning but getting worse in some ways. My question is, when do you know it's time to leave? As of now, he doesn't direct any of his nastiness at the kids but I figure it's likely he will one day. When he is sober he can be a good father. Maybe for others this wouldn't be so tough to figure out but I also don't have any experience with divorce. I've been a SAHM and find myself in a tough predicament depending on him, though I'm 44 and had a long independent life before being married w/children. I have family nearby who would help me but I'm frightened about the anger I'll trigger the day I leave. I don't want to end up with him taking off with the kids or having his whole family gang up on me by telling all their lies when it comes to child custody (they will lie to offset the unavoidable fact of his alcoholism--which I have documented in several ways). I'd like to stay and gets my ducks in a row, but every time he attacks me it leaves me feeling more and more sick. How does this progress with children? How are they affected? At the very least I'm very disturbed that this is the behavior he's modeling to his children--that he treats their mother like crap and uses such foul language. I know I'm all over the place with my questions. I know I need to get myself over to an Al Anon meeting somehow, but in the meantime I'd love some feedback here.
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Old 04-05-2015, 10:47 PM
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Welcome Hopedrive. You will find many of us in the same boat. And, you will also read over and over again that you can't CAUSE, CONTROL OR CAUSE it. I don't have as much experience as others but I wanted to respond so you know you aren't alone. I know that blame game well. As for the kids, I have no experience but I'm sure someone here does. I do know that you will be just fine if you choose to leave. And shocker, he will still be an Alcoholic when you are gone so neither the family or he can blame you. Keep reading and posting you will learn a lot. Others will respond as well I'm sure. Puffy
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Old 04-05-2015, 11:58 PM
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Hope, I'm sorry for your situation, and the obvious distress it must be causing. The walking on eggshells part alone would keep you in a high state of tension, and this can't be good for the children. Is counselling and him seeking treatment out of the question? Kicking Mom out? Can you talk to him when he's sober and tell him how he's harming the marriage and children? If none of this is possible, or doable:

Make a list. 1. Find legal advice, especially about the custody side. 2. Think about finances; what can you put aside? who will help you? 3. Document as you have been doing, record if you can (check with lawyer). 4. Put together an emergency kit if you have to leave in a hurry. I'm sure there's more, but taking small steps will help you unfreeze yourself and give you momentum.

A couple of points: if you can prove he drinks excessively, and is belligerent, bullying, threatening etc, no court is going to buy that it's your fault. Assuming you're a good regular mother the the kids will obviously be safer with you. Also, if you are afraid, intimidated, bullied, call the Domestic Violence number and talk to them. You don't have to be battered to qualify, as DV comes in many guises.

Stay around this forum and you'll get a lot of support from people who have been in your shoes.
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Old 04-05-2015, 11:59 PM
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Good morning, Hopedrive. I'm glad you found us here--there is a lot of experience, strength and hope shared here, and you can always find an understanding ear to listen.

You say you've been reading around on the forum for a bit, so that's good. I don't know if you've checked out the stickies at the top of the page yet. If not, here's a good place to start: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html There is a lot of wisdom in that section, and it's a good place to go for education.

You also mention that you need to go to Alanon. Yep, I bet you probably do. I sure did! SR is a great place, but we are online and thus are limited in some ways. In my opinion, the face-to-face contact and real-world support in Alanon makes a wonderful combination w/SR. It's been a strong force for learning and change for me, for sure.

You also mention that your A is "high functioning but getting worse in some ways." You'll see it said here that "high functioning" is a stage of alcoholism, not a type of A. You'll also see it said that alcoholism is a progressive disease. What this means for you and your kids is that this is the best it will ever be unless he seeks recovery. This is an important fact for you to remember when thinking about your future. He will be a good husband and father at times, but those times will grow fewer and farther between as the disease claims more and more of his mind and body. As you've read here, there is not a damn thing YOU can do to stop the progression.

It's a lot to absorb, a lot to process. You don't have to DO anything right this minute (except maybe get to that Alanon meeting and keep reading/posting here at SR!). Keep coming back--we're here for you. It will be OK in the end.

Wishing you strength and clarity.
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Old 04-06-2015, 12:24 AM
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Hello Hopedrive,
I have to tell you that I was in a similar situation, as my MIL lived with my then AH and our DD for eight years. And, as in your case, my MIL always assumed that all of our problems were my fault. The fact that her darling son could not hold a job, or that he strong armed her into lending him a large sum of money, or that he drank excessively...My fault. I always thought that things might be better if she were not living with us, and after the two of them had a major blow out (I never heard the details...I was at work, and I know he was drunk when it happened), yes things were a bit better for a while after she left. But eventually, it became clear that the issues were still hanging on, and that his drinking was making life difficult for DD and I. He never did admit to having a drinking problem, and his mother passed before I left him. Still, she spread enough ill-will throughout the family to ensure that I would be the black sheep. Now that I am no longer part of that family, I really don't care. In fact, his own brother has contacted me to tell me that he understood why I left.
As far as how all of this has impacted our DD...She has stated that she will never marry...and never drink or use. I am glad that left before she graduated, as the stress levels were becoming unmanageable for her and I. She had difficulty focusing on school and I lost 30 pounds in a 4 month period of time. He also started directing his venom towards her, as I learned to detach. It finally became obvious that I had to make the move for both of our sakes. She does spend time with him, however she never shares any important information with him, and since she has her own car, she knows that she is free to leave if the need arises...Which she has done, from time to time.

You should also know that, as Honeypig mentioned, it is a progressive disease. Because my XAH has never acknowledged the problem, nor sought help, he got steadily worse as time went on. I don't expect any big miracles, as he still drinks, most of the day, every day.
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Old 04-06-2015, 03:10 AM
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Hopedrive.....first of all.....WELCOME!!!!!!!

In addition to the advice you have already gotten.....
I would suggest 2 MAIN things:
1. Connect with support. Get some peeps behind you--people who have your back.
This can be in many forms. You already know about alanon. Yay. I HIGHLY suggest that you contact your local DV organization. There are many types of abuse--of which, verbal and emotional abuse qualifies. You don't have to be h it. They have many resources that can help you.....with finances..food card....housing....legal counseling...therapy....etc. They can also help you with making plans to leave.
Everything is confidential and you don't have to do anything that you don't want to.
Talking to a lawyer regarding your rights will be very helpful for you. Just gathering information is good--knowledge is power.

2. Start. quietly, making your plans..exploring your options...gathering information...and, getting yourself stronger and prepared.

In summary...Get support/Make a plan.

Millions of women before you have done the same....so can you!

dandylion
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Old 04-06-2015, 04:58 AM
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If you want to know how it will affect your kids go over to the ACOA forum (Adult children of Alcoholics) and read their stories. Even in homes where the alcoholic is perceived as being calm the chances that your kids will:

1) Become alcoholics or addicts
2) Will marry or become involved with an alcoholic or addict (or many)

Is much higher.

This is not a calm household though, its an abusive one. As Dandy pointed out physical violence does not have to be present to be living in an abusive situation. Your children are being affected by it.

I am very glad to hear that you have family support that is awesome. As for what his family will or won't do for him in a custody hearing put it out of your mind. You can't control that and its future tripping. Yes, make an appointment with an attorney and figure out what you need to do or what a divorce separation will entail. Prepare a plan as the others have stated and as Dandy advised, contact a DV hotline for advice. Its is confidential. I also suggest that if you are using a mutual computer that you erase the history and/or set the cashe so that it will not leave a trail to this site.
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Old 04-06-2015, 05:11 AM
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Welcome to SR Hopedrive! Glad you posted!
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Old 04-06-2015, 05:22 AM
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Welcome dear one, I'm sorry you are going through this. But I'm glad that you found us.

I have nothing really to add to the already stellar advice you've been given so so far. Keep reading, keep your chin up. It's not easy, but try to remember that A's come from very sick families most times. His mothers reaction is just a form of denial. My xabf's mom is the leader of the pack in that regards. It frustrating because the problems are so obvious. None of this is your fault and NOTHING that they say has any validation. You will eventually start to call all of their nonsensical talk quacking. Go to the "quackers" thread and "things a normie wouldn't know". They are good for a quick glance at how their minds work. And may even make you smile a bit. You sound like you could do with a giggle.

Don't feel silly to ask any questions or share any thoughts. We've all been there in some form. A's are all individual, but hardly original. We know how these dogs hunt. Your first task of course is to keep you and your little muffins safe. Get to know the DV in your area. Start researching lawyers and socking away a bit of money. I suggest creating a "jump bag" in case you and the boys have to leave fast. Its like the bag that you pack when you're pregnant to take to the hospital, only it for hitting the road. It has essentials like Id, cash, toiletries, clothes etc. you can keep it at a friends house or hidden In your car.

(((Hugs))) you're in our prayers
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Old 04-06-2015, 05:40 AM
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Hi, Hope, and welcome!

I've worked in the domestic violence field for many years, and the first thing you should keep in mind is that the abuse is a completely separate issue from the alcoholism. The alcohol lowers inhibitions, and may give him an excuse, but most alcoholics re not abusers and most abusers are not alcoholics.

Much of the advice about dealing with an alcoholic partner (e.g., detaching) can be dangerous when you are dealing with an abuser. If you want a good, concrete first step to take, I highly recommend that you call your local women's shelter and speak with an advocate. They can help you with safety planning and any other assistance you need. Nobody will make you do anything you aren't ready to do, but they can help you sort out your options and plan a safe exit when you are ready to do that.

The alcoholism in a parent is bad enough for kids, but the abuse is even worse in terms of lasting damage.

Texas has some great resources for victims of abuse. Here's one of the best I know of: Genesis. They are terrific.
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Old 04-06-2015, 06:29 AM
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Welcome, hopedrive! This is a great place to start. I think that it cannot be stressed and highlighted enough that alcoholism and abuse are two separate issues. I've always blamed my husband's behavior on alcoholism. And honestly, I've always thought that alcoholics automatically have to be abusers. Just like you, I realized that my husband was an alcoholic after we married. And about the abuse, I always thought that it was my fault.

Speaking of stepping on the landmines, one way you can tell that you are being targeted is that he sets up a landmine for you. It is "damned if you do, damned if you do not" situation, and sooner or later, there is always an explosion. You can walk on the eggshells as much as you want. If he wants to yell and scream, he will.

I've learned on here not to engage and operate in silence and be super careful. I can say that some of these people on here and their advice probably saved my life. They certainly brought my brains back.
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Old 04-06-2015, 06:39 AM
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I'm so sorry you're in this situation but am glad you found this group, hopedrive! Is your AH supporting his mom financially by putting a roof over her head, etc.? Sounds like she doesn't want to lose the Sugar Son and will be on his side no matter what. If you used to support yourself, you can do so again. Nobody should accept verbal abuse and it WILL escalate with his drinking. Can you do a trial separation so he knows you are setting a boundary and will not accept his abuse any longer? Even though not directed at your kids (yet), please know they are very affected by this.
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Old 04-06-2015, 07:53 AM
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Welcome to SR but sorry you had the need to find us.

When I was making the decision to stay or go (I ended up leaving) I found a wonderful counselor that specialized in working with families of addicts. I also started looking at employment options for myself and setting aside any money I could. I had a friend who I could stay with temporarily when things got out of control.

I also went to a free consultation with an attorney.

Please don't hesitate to seek help from DV services. My AH went from only being verbally abusive to physical very, very quickly.

One of the mistakes I made was telling him too much about what I was doing. I told him I was going to Al Anon. This made him extremely angry and was part of his justification for his 1st instance of physical abuse.
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Old 04-06-2015, 12:16 PM
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Thank you everyone for all your posts and the great info. I'm learning so much and it definitely makes it feel less daunting to know I'm not alone. My MIL definitely isn't responsible for our situation but she does add a lot of stress to it. She's employed now and could move out but my AH has her convinced that he needs her to be here because if he were alone with me here, he'd get worse. Total BS. He even sent me some point-by-point characterization trying to shoehorn me into the role of abuser. The reasoning was just so bizarre.

This morning he was mostly himself and acted as if nothing had happened. That's the closest I ever get to an apology because if he felt truly justified and angry I'd be getting the brush off right now. Since he got that out of the way, it's back to drinking.

I appreciate all the feedback and I'm definitely going through all the suggestions here and formulating a plan. I'm sure more questions will come up but it's good to know I have somewhere to turn for answers.
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