Self esteem
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
Self esteem
So tell me, what helped build your self esteem up?
Was it certain activities, hobbies, reading particular books?
I am curious and ready to work on my own self esteem.
I know that after I make certain decisions, sometimes I doubt myself after a while or feel fearful.
Was it certain activities, hobbies, reading particular books?
I am curious and ready to work on my own self esteem.
I know that after I make certain decisions, sometimes I doubt myself after a while or feel fearful.
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Good post sorry I can't offer any advise as I'm still struggling to build mine. I do know that making my own decisions was so scary at first, I was use to him making decisions especially financial ones. Making decisions for yourself does get easier.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 1,292
Simple things help me the most . Things like picking my kids up from their grandparents at 8 pm instead of lying on the sofa watching tv drunk and having my wife always pick them up. Basically doing things for other people make me feel better about myself.
When I am drunk and can't do such thing I feel such a loser deep down and boy does my self-esteem take a hit.
When I am drunk and can't do such thing I feel such a loser deep down and boy does my self-esteem take a hit.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
I started gaining self esteem when I decided to start looking at myself as I would look at other people. I am a recovering alcoholic and have life long depression. When I quit drinking I decided to start treating myself as I would a friend. I don't bash myself for my shortcomings anymore. Instead I see them as growth opportunities. I praise myself for my good qualities. It took time and I still work on it everyday but I am healthier and happier than ever before in my life.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
If I am feeling down/low self esteem the first thing I do is take a personal inventory of things I have let go. Then I begin by feeding some energy into those things. This could be as simple as cleaning and organizing my house, returning or making phone calls I have avoided, dealing with a situation that I have put off, getting my hair done etc. These are all pretty simple examples but for me that's how a downhill slide begins. Before long instead of having a little to do I have a lot, maybe even an overwhelming amount and don't feel good about myself on top of it. The lack of doing them in the first place usually comes from focusing my attention and energy on someone or something else and not taking care of myself and my issues which results in low self esteem .
In other words when I am in a hole and I want to get out the first thing I do is stop digging.
In other words when I am in a hole and I want to get out the first thing I do is stop digging.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
For me it was a multi-layered process that took time and patience. I was living on my own for the first time in thirty-two years, no family, no relationship. Just friends, a dog, and a home of my own that I was responsible for. Frankly the first year was spent proving my own financial independence. That was huge for me. I kept myself and my dog alive!
One basic survival was in hand, Then I could layer in other things. I started writing. I worked with theatre companies I had never worked with before. I put myself out there as an artist and a friend. I decided to stop bitching about my job and starting either making it better or looking for something else (i.e., stopped looking at myself as a victim). I spent less time with people who were unhealthy, and as much as I could with people who were healthy, generous, and accepted me as-is.
Through it all I had a therapist helping me understand my dysfunction family background and how it had led to some very faulty ideas about relationships and about myself. I was on my own for three years before I started dating again, and when I did I made some missteps. The difference was that now I was healthy enough to recognize them as missteps and no longer felt I had to be in a relationship at all costs. I had learned that being alone was not the same as being lonely, and being with an active addict was the loneliest thing in the world.
Self-esteem does not happen overnight. It is the result of a collection of positive choices and experiences and relationships. But it began, for me, with the decision that even though I did not FEEL like I was good enough for anyone, I was going to have to trust that maybe my feelings were coming from a place that wasn't necessarily right. I had to trust that I was not the worst person in the world just because I had a mother who didn't know how to love me, or a dad who only knew how to take care of Mom. Sorry for the ramble. Hope this helps.
One basic survival was in hand, Then I could layer in other things. I started writing. I worked with theatre companies I had never worked with before. I put myself out there as an artist and a friend. I decided to stop bitching about my job and starting either making it better or looking for something else (i.e., stopped looking at myself as a victim). I spent less time with people who were unhealthy, and as much as I could with people who were healthy, generous, and accepted me as-is.
Through it all I had a therapist helping me understand my dysfunction family background and how it had led to some very faulty ideas about relationships and about myself. I was on my own for three years before I started dating again, and when I did I made some missteps. The difference was that now I was healthy enough to recognize them as missteps and no longer felt I had to be in a relationship at all costs. I had learned that being alone was not the same as being lonely, and being with an active addict was the loneliest thing in the world.
Self-esteem does not happen overnight. It is the result of a collection of positive choices and experiences and relationships. But it began, for me, with the decision that even though I did not FEEL like I was good enough for anyone, I was going to have to trust that maybe my feelings were coming from a place that wasn't necessarily right. I had to trust that I was not the worst person in the world just because I had a mother who didn't know how to love me, or a dad who only knew how to take care of Mom. Sorry for the ramble. Hope this helps.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
I started taking care of myself. Things like exercising, eating healthy, actually doing my hair. I started doing things with friends.
I met people who also lived with alcoholism and it helped just knowing I wasn't alone. I also started going to church.
I met people who also lived with alcoholism and it helped just knowing I wasn't alone. I also started going to church.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Ditto to so much of what Sparkle had to say. Mine grew incrementally as I started making my decisions FOR ME. Every little baby-step of success encouraged me to continue & every successful decision reinforced the idea that the changes I was making were right. Seeing my DD thrive in new ways, finding parts of myself that I liked again, meeting new people who encouraged me to grow - every tiny piece led me to another.
Self-care was an enormous part of this for me too - I had to learn to show myself love & recognize that self-care is not the same as Selfish.
Understanding my own damage & owning it is humbling, but it opened the door to change & growth that I needed. I'm so grateful that finding SR helped me to see how necessary it was to separate my issues from his & work on fixing me; I like myself more as a recovering person. I had lost that feeling about me & didn't even realize it.
Self-care was an enormous part of this for me too - I had to learn to show myself love & recognize that self-care is not the same as Selfish.
Understanding my own damage & owning it is humbling, but it opened the door to change & growth that I needed. I'm so grateful that finding SR helped me to see how necessary it was to separate my issues from his & work on fixing me; I like myself more as a recovering person. I had lost that feeling about me & didn't even realize it.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Mine was having a few successes; they didn't have to be big. Like learning to fix things around the house, sorting out some job I'd been putting off, or organising a part of my house that had previously been chaotic.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
I started to realize several things:
1. I ended up with a partner that was like my late father.
2. I based my feelings on whether or not I pleased them.
3. The program taught me that what others think of me is none of my business.
4. I try to be the best person possible, and love others unconditionally.
For me, this has been a HUGE help to my self-esteem.
As a side note, I am starting to realize that I have issues with abandonment from my late father. I have had to release those in the face of my partner rejecting me.
1. I ended up with a partner that was like my late father.
2. I based my feelings on whether or not I pleased them.
3. The program taught me that what others think of me is none of my business.
4. I try to be the best person possible, and love others unconditionally.
For me, this has been a HUGE help to my self-esteem.
As a side note, I am starting to realize that I have issues with abandonment from my late father. I have had to release those in the face of my partner rejecting me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
Number 1: I learned to say NO to the addict. I left. Jumped off the crazy train.
2. I stopped accepting unacceptable behavior as being okay, from *anyone*. Not just addicts. I learned to stick up for myself calmly and even kindly, depending on the situation. I learned to tell a boss "You cannot speak that way to me, you cannot use that language with me. I don't speak that way to anyone in the office. It really pushes my buttons so please don't do it." This was 15 years ago. He never did it again. To me. With others who tolerated it, he didn't stop.
3. As others are saying: I learned to be good to myself, to support myself in every way. Financially, physically, emotionally.
Now, it doesn't all happen in a day. It is a process and takes time and there are some steps back. But over all, and over the years I have learned these things.
2. I stopped accepting unacceptable behavior as being okay, from *anyone*. Not just addicts. I learned to stick up for myself calmly and even kindly, depending on the situation. I learned to tell a boss "You cannot speak that way to me, you cannot use that language with me. I don't speak that way to anyone in the office. It really pushes my buttons so please don't do it." This was 15 years ago. He never did it again. To me. With others who tolerated it, he didn't stop.
3. As others are saying: I learned to be good to myself, to support myself in every way. Financially, physically, emotionally.
Now, it doesn't all happen in a day. It is a process and takes time and there are some steps back. But over all, and over the years I have learned these things.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I just read somewhere today (in a post here? I'm so sorry I didn't copy it to my "Wisdom of SR" folder; I certainly should have...) how the poster/writer felt that she deserved to be put down, belittled, ignored and abused b/c she wasn't perfect. She viewed herself as damaged goods, having no right to expect anything better.
That really resonated w/me--for many years, I believed that I deserved the abuse my stepfather handed out during my childhood and teen years. I felt that I was a "bad kid" and really, what other choices did my folks have? Somewhere in my mid 40s or so, it dawned on me that I was a kid back then--I was NOT responsible for the actions of the adults around me, and I sure did NOT deserve the way I was treated.
Obviously, years of ground-in beliefs are not going to be eradicated in a flash of blinding light, but that post/article that I saw today really did sum it all up for me--I don't have to be perfect in order to deserve respect and decency from others.
I don't know if the above is directly applicable to your self-esteem question, but for me, it's an important part of the puzzle. Hope it helps.
That really resonated w/me--for many years, I believed that I deserved the abuse my stepfather handed out during my childhood and teen years. I felt that I was a "bad kid" and really, what other choices did my folks have? Somewhere in my mid 40s or so, it dawned on me that I was a kid back then--I was NOT responsible for the actions of the adults around me, and I sure did NOT deserve the way I was treated.
Obviously, years of ground-in beliefs are not going to be eradicated in a flash of blinding light, but that post/article that I saw today really did sum it all up for me--I don't have to be perfect in order to deserve respect and decency from others.
I don't know if the above is directly applicable to your self-esteem question, but for me, it's an important part of the puzzle. Hope it helps.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
Stringing some clean time together helped that in a huge way. I combine that "clean" time with Al Anon too as I'm a child of an alcoholic. I work on all of the things that come with being the child of an A also.
I also started taking care of me. If I don't take care of me, I cannot take care of anyone else.
I also started taking care of me. If I don't take care of me, I cannot take care of anyone else.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
My sponsor said "to get self esteem you must take esteemable actions". Making boundaries was a big boost for me, also leaving the alcoholic although there was pain from loss. I don't think we can think our way into self esteem, we have to take actions that are frequently uncomfortable (because they're healthy!!).
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
I think I always had a lot of insecurities stemming from my father who left when I was 4 years old. My mom and I were on our own after that and my mom never really taught me to be assertive. Always cautioned me to be nice and never hurt anyone's feelings. I was a people pleaser...nurtuer...codie you name it. I looked for approval from others instead of finding it in myself. I read a lot of self help books including Codependent No More. At 50 years old I am finally learning I don't need anyone's approval. I can approve of myself! I like helping others which is why I went to nursing school. When I lived with AXBF I fell into that place of seeking his approval and never getting it and all the insecurities from childhood resurfaced. I had the thinking that if my own dad could leave so could everyone else. Fear of abandonment. I read How to Break an Addiction to a person and that was very helpful! Also SR has been my rock many times and still is!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Good thread. I know that I was feeling feeling pretty cruddy about myself and got away from my drinking g/f.
I used to flip houses. Back before they made TV shows out of it. I did pretty good at it.
When I split, I needed a place to live in and instead of finding a regular move in ready house, I wanted to find a fixxer upper. It's about the only way to get anything with equity now. It did me good to get back into searching, evaluating, working the numbers and finding a fit.
Well my HP must have been looking out for me. I found a house that oddly made me slow down and explore more. Normally I wouldn't (that is the HP part). It was in a way pricier neighborhood than I typically would look in. Bay view, huge lot, huge house, long driveways etc. Empty and run down. It had all the signs of "interesting", but I said, I won't be able to afford this. But something said.....Try.
So I tracked down public records and began researching. Hmm an estate property. Huge Tax assessment value. A Probate Lien on it. So I halfheartedly chum the waters through the Probate attorney. 6 kids, no executor, none really get along together. He is like, "This has been a nightmare house. Its free and clear, but the estate has no money to pay taxes or me and the kids have to argue about it constantly. They pay property taxes out of pocket and angry about the upkeep cost. Parents passed away 8 years ago and the house has just sat there doing nothing. I had to put lien on it to someday get my fees paid" All the things I need to hear!
Well would it hurt me to make an offer? He was like..."Heck all they can do is say no." So I low balled the heck out of it and they said no. I had to spend 2 months getting them warmed up at the price that worked for me. They admitted they hadn't had an offer in 3 years and that I was higher than the last one they got. Long story short, we came to a price.
The house needs EVERYTHING done to it.
4000 SF ( I need about 1500....lol). Right now it's OMG ugly. It's a total gut job and re-model. It's 20 years old, and looks like they did NOTHING to it in those 20 years. But when its finished. Oh yeah!!!! So while I had the roof being done, I am doing all the yard rehab, while its still cool here. The neighbors start coming over. Man this place hasn't looked like this in 15 years. We are SO GLAD somebody finally stepped up to this.
I started to remember...."Hey I am good at these." And its great therapy for me. This house will be restored to its former glory. And be updated to today's desires. And I will sell it when it's done. And make enough to buy something else. I have already had a realtor call me asking me if I'd sell it. I said "It isn't done." She said they want to buy as is. I could sell now and have some seed money for the next one, but I need a place to live. So I will finish it off.
Every old run down part I do away with, I see a little bit more of her potential.
I am ripping out walls and building the new kitchen plan. Old tiny kitchen in a great big house. Now it will have a kitchen to match the house. My neighbor wanders over. He is like...Man don't show my wife this, she will want it to look just like this. This looks AMAZING.
Now spring is here....and the yard is waking up. I have figs trees, citrus trees, a Japanese Plum tree. Lots of other "stuff" welcoming me each week as the leaves come. We are sort of "waking up together". I look forward to seeing what else she offers me, besides self esteem.
I get my self esteem back by doing what I enjoy. Then when others offer up compliments, that don't have anything to do with my relationship, I finally start to think. "I GOT THIS"!
Then when I sell it..........it was all me that got me there.
I used to flip houses. Back before they made TV shows out of it. I did pretty good at it.
When I split, I needed a place to live in and instead of finding a regular move in ready house, I wanted to find a fixxer upper. It's about the only way to get anything with equity now. It did me good to get back into searching, evaluating, working the numbers and finding a fit.
Well my HP must have been looking out for me. I found a house that oddly made me slow down and explore more. Normally I wouldn't (that is the HP part). It was in a way pricier neighborhood than I typically would look in. Bay view, huge lot, huge house, long driveways etc. Empty and run down. It had all the signs of "interesting", but I said, I won't be able to afford this. But something said.....Try.
So I tracked down public records and began researching. Hmm an estate property. Huge Tax assessment value. A Probate Lien on it. So I halfheartedly chum the waters through the Probate attorney. 6 kids, no executor, none really get along together. He is like, "This has been a nightmare house. Its free and clear, but the estate has no money to pay taxes or me and the kids have to argue about it constantly. They pay property taxes out of pocket and angry about the upkeep cost. Parents passed away 8 years ago and the house has just sat there doing nothing. I had to put lien on it to someday get my fees paid" All the things I need to hear!
Well would it hurt me to make an offer? He was like..."Heck all they can do is say no." So I low balled the heck out of it and they said no. I had to spend 2 months getting them warmed up at the price that worked for me. They admitted they hadn't had an offer in 3 years and that I was higher than the last one they got. Long story short, we came to a price.
The house needs EVERYTHING done to it.
4000 SF ( I need about 1500....lol). Right now it's OMG ugly. It's a total gut job and re-model. It's 20 years old, and looks like they did NOTHING to it in those 20 years. But when its finished. Oh yeah!!!! So while I had the roof being done, I am doing all the yard rehab, while its still cool here. The neighbors start coming over. Man this place hasn't looked like this in 15 years. We are SO GLAD somebody finally stepped up to this.
I started to remember...."Hey I am good at these." And its great therapy for me. This house will be restored to its former glory. And be updated to today's desires. And I will sell it when it's done. And make enough to buy something else. I have already had a realtor call me asking me if I'd sell it. I said "It isn't done." She said they want to buy as is. I could sell now and have some seed money for the next one, but I need a place to live. So I will finish it off.
Every old run down part I do away with, I see a little bit more of her potential.
I am ripping out walls and building the new kitchen plan. Old tiny kitchen in a great big house. Now it will have a kitchen to match the house. My neighbor wanders over. He is like...Man don't show my wife this, she will want it to look just like this. This looks AMAZING.
Now spring is here....and the yard is waking up. I have figs trees, citrus trees, a Japanese Plum tree. Lots of other "stuff" welcoming me each week as the leaves come. We are sort of "waking up together". I look forward to seeing what else she offers me, besides self esteem.
I get my self esteem back by doing what I enjoy. Then when others offer up compliments, that don't have anything to do with my relationship, I finally start to think. "I GOT THIS"!
Then when I sell it..........it was all me that got me there.
Into the Void
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: California
Posts: 931
There is a book I like called "The Power of Self-Confidence" by self-help guru Brian Tracy. He can be a bit over the top at times but is pretty knowledgeable about this stuff. You can get the audiobook on iTunes and listen in your car or while exercising.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
This is going to sound a bit odd, but one of the things that is helping me build me up, is letting myself go. All the the things that I thought were so important were mostly stemming from ego. I think that when we spend so much time looking for validation from the outside, it's because our self image is so badly or incompletely formed. It really is being stuck in a child like stage of development.
I've started studying centering prayer and reading the writings of Fr. Bede Griffiths. I've started learning about how limitless we are in power and potential. Everything else such as the "esteemable actions" (I love that), eating right, exercising etc. stems from that idea that I am limitless. When I hear the put downs now, it don't hear someone speaking of my defects, I hear them speaking of their own limitations. A blind man is cannot give an accurate description of me.
I've started studying centering prayer and reading the writings of Fr. Bede Griffiths. I've started learning about how limitless we are in power and potential. Everything else such as the "esteemable actions" (I love that), eating right, exercising etc. stems from that idea that I am limitless. When I hear the put downs now, it don't hear someone speaking of my defects, I hear them speaking of their own limitations. A blind man is cannot give an accurate description of me.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
