accepting my mom, as she is
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accepting my mom, as she is
I've worked on accepting my husband as he is, our kids, myself, my dad... so why is it I still want my mom to change her behaviors??
She's a good mom, a great grandmother, a wonderful person. Why then, do I want so badly for her to be more? To go to Alanon, to "get" it more than she does? Why do I harbor resents against her, of all people?
I do love her as she is, flaws and all. Yet for all the others where I let it all go, I want more from her. It's so unfair of me. It's not okay and not healthy.
I really need to let go of this. The hardest is when she laughs about or reminisces of things that I now see as disfunctional behaviors. Or when she puts her spin on how others must feel. Or how she says something. It's not important, but it triggers me constantly. We didn't have addictions in the family, lots of love, yet still plenty of disfunction.
Lord, please help me to see my mother as a whole person, good and bad, NOT in need of fixing, and to love and accept her for who she is today.
She's a good mom, a great grandmother, a wonderful person. Why then, do I want so badly for her to be more? To go to Alanon, to "get" it more than she does? Why do I harbor resents against her, of all people?
I do love her as she is, flaws and all. Yet for all the others where I let it all go, I want more from her. It's so unfair of me. It's not okay and not healthy.
I really need to let go of this. The hardest is when she laughs about or reminisces of things that I now see as disfunctional behaviors. Or when she puts her spin on how others must feel. Or how she says something. It's not important, but it triggers me constantly. We didn't have addictions in the family, lots of love, yet still plenty of disfunction.
Lord, please help me to see my mother as a whole person, good and bad, NOT in need of fixing, and to love and accept her for who she is today.
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I don't know specifically why that happens, but I can relate. I know I sometimes feel more let down by people I think are capable of "more." Sort of like frustration with an child who is underachieving in school, though there are apparently no learning disabilities or other causes.
I know I sometimes get frustrated when people don't see things the way I do. I have to remind myself that I don't know it all, and maybe that person's way of looking at the world works for them, even if it doesn't work for me.
I think praying for acceptance is a good move.
I know I sometimes get frustrated when people don't see things the way I do. I have to remind myself that I don't know it all, and maybe that person's way of looking at the world works for them, even if it doesn't work for me.
I think praying for acceptance is a good move.
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Hi Keepingthefaith,
It's really hard to let go of petty annoyances in those we love.
My sister spent a lifetime of trying to make her daughter love her (my niece is 34 years old). She wasn't the best mom, but she wasn't horrible, either. Her husband (my niece's father) walked out on them when my niece was around 10 years old. He's in and out of her life, but no one comes down on him or asks him for money.
She (my sister) worked long hours as a nurse and and picked up many double shifts to help my niece and her three grandchildren out. My niece always had nice clothes, took trips, etc. and she actually made really good money as a marketing director. But she made bad choices in men who wouldn't work or had drug or alcohol problems. My sister was there for her, but she took advantage of her and put her down if she didn't come through or act like she thought she should.
Two weeks ago, my 56 year old sister died very unexpectedly. She worked a double shift on Friday and didn't feel well when she got home. She didn't want to go to the walk in clinic on Saturday as it would cost $100 and she said she'd wait until Monday to see her regular doctor for $40 (as she knew my niece needed $$ for groceries). Well, Monday never came. She died in her chair on Sunday.
My niece is heartbroken now and put together the nicest "celebration" for her mom and gave her a glowing eulogy. The place was packed with people she worked with who loved her, along with old friends. My niece had no idea that she was so respected and loved. And she feels like she can't go on - she is devastated. My sister would have loved to hear all the nice things my niece had to say about her but she never got to hear them.
I am not telling this to make you feel bad (or insinuate that you treat your mom like my niece treated her mom), but to put things in perspective. I've learned from it, myself, with a situation in my life (with someone close who isn't a bad person but annoys me alot). It's been a wake-up call for ME to not sweat the small stuff. And to tell those close to you that you love them before it's too late.
It's really hard to let go of petty annoyances in those we love.
My sister spent a lifetime of trying to make her daughter love her (my niece is 34 years old). She wasn't the best mom, but she wasn't horrible, either. Her husband (my niece's father) walked out on them when my niece was around 10 years old. He's in and out of her life, but no one comes down on him or asks him for money.
She (my sister) worked long hours as a nurse and and picked up many double shifts to help my niece and her three grandchildren out. My niece always had nice clothes, took trips, etc. and she actually made really good money as a marketing director. But she made bad choices in men who wouldn't work or had drug or alcohol problems. My sister was there for her, but she took advantage of her and put her down if she didn't come through or act like she thought she should.
Two weeks ago, my 56 year old sister died very unexpectedly. She worked a double shift on Friday and didn't feel well when she got home. She didn't want to go to the walk in clinic on Saturday as it would cost $100 and she said she'd wait until Monday to see her regular doctor for $40 (as she knew my niece needed $$ for groceries). Well, Monday never came. She died in her chair on Sunday.
My niece is heartbroken now and put together the nicest "celebration" for her mom and gave her a glowing eulogy. The place was packed with people she worked with who loved her, along with old friends. My niece had no idea that she was so respected and loved. And she feels like she can't go on - she is devastated. My sister would have loved to hear all the nice things my niece had to say about her but she never got to hear them.
I am not telling this to make you feel bad (or insinuate that you treat your mom like my niece treated her mom), but to put things in perspective. I've learned from it, myself, with a situation in my life (with someone close who isn't a bad person but annoys me alot). It's been a wake-up call for ME to not sweat the small stuff. And to tell those close to you that you love them before it's too late.
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Deni, no offense at all! No matter the length of time we have with others, it's never long enough and yet it's seems next to impossible to make the most of it. Buddhist principles tend to help me in seeing beyond the right, wrong and having regrets. Finding peace within ourselves can often be a gift to those we love, even those who've passed on. (((Hugs)))
Let go and let God, baby steps, One day at a time.
Let go and let God, baby steps, One day at a time.
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Originally Posted by keepingthefaith 
The hardest is when she laughs about or reminisces of things that I now see as disfunctional behaviors. Or when she puts her spin on how others must feel. Or how she says something. It's not important, but it triggers me constantly.
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Thank you to all who've mentioned inner child healing before. When I posted this thread, that came to mind.
This one in particular stands out for me. If anyone has more links or exercises, I'd welcome them. If feels to me like I have a lot to give up -- expectations of her and of me. A lot of my frustration has probably less to do with her than it does with my feelings about myself. A whole lot of "not good enough, not energetic enough, etc." Moving what is logical into my heart and soul seems to be both the simple solution and complex one.
Link: Your inner child
This one in particular stands out for me. If anyone has more links or exercises, I'd welcome them. If feels to me like I have a lot to give up -- expectations of her and of me. A lot of my frustration has probably less to do with her than it does with my feelings about myself. A whole lot of "not good enough, not energetic enough, etc." Moving what is logical into my heart and soul seems to be both the simple solution and complex one.
Link: Your inner child
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Keepingthefaith-
I am struggling with my mom right now also. She is having a big change in her life and is VERY detached and unemotional about it (not healthy detached, but numb).
Reading your post helped me to see that part of what I am struggling with is that I looked up to my mom for so long and tried to emulate her (much more than my dad).
It is hard to watch her now. I think I am hurting because how I deal with stress is similar to her (and now I have a dose of why that is so unhealthy for me). It somehow is more personal for me than watching my other FOO members who do it fairly different from me.
Keep up the good work.
I am struggling with my mom right now also. She is having a big change in her life and is VERY detached and unemotional about it (not healthy detached, but numb).
Reading your post helped me to see that part of what I am struggling with is that I looked up to my mom for so long and tried to emulate her (much more than my dad).
It is hard to watch her now. I think I am hurting because how I deal with stress is similar to her (and now I have a dose of why that is so unhealthy for me). It somehow is more personal for me than watching my other FOO members who do it fairly different from me.
Keep up the good work.
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