djmchammered

Hi everyone, I think this is a great place and looks like a very helpful forum. This is my first post in a "Sober" community. I thought I would say hello and introduce myself. Thank you all for sharing your stories and inspiration!!!!!


I have messed up my life pretty badly with Alcohol especially in the last few years. Last night I wrote a short list of all the experiences and events I have ruined by glancing back at my calendar and I can honestly say that every time I drink something goes bad. I am 36 years old and my life has always been about getting messed up, getting high, getting drunk, being loud.

Over the past two years I have made several attempts to completely quit booze and have gone a few months without a single drink. Being sober the last time before my current re-lapse (since Jan) was easily the most productive time of my life. I feel like I am very determined and close to being at the peak of doing what I really want to do. I feel like my professional life would really be firing on all pins if I could stop being a drunk. My wife is an amazing woman however she does not understand how come when I start drinking I have difficulty stopping. I have been prescribed lorazepam AKA Valium for my withdrawal symptoms for about 5 years. Last weekend we spent in Miami at the winter music conference and it was one for the record books. I was not really on-board with going cause I was afraid of my alcoholism but my wife was really wanting to go and party. So slightly talked into it and against my wishes we teamed up with another couple and booked our super expensive 500 dollar a night hotel room on Miami beach for the weekend. The other couple was very much into scoring ecstasy and getting completely blasted, I went into the trip not looking for any drugs and not really caring if we got any. I knew however that was simply not possible. The first night we drank and my wife proceeded to get blacked out drunk and that was ok with me and sort of funny as she was dancing on tables as we got our late night cheese fries. I was sort of reserved the first night there and was relatively behaved. We got a good night sleep and all seemed to be ok. The next night the guy from the other couple, one of my good friends was able to finally score some ecstasy from a dealer on the street. I have literally ate many hundreds of doses of ecstasy over the past 15 years or so being a raver and have really lost my enthusiasm for taking it. I asked the dealer if he could score some blow. I soon scored 100 dollars worth of stuff and from there it was like a jet taking off. I was soon dancing and jumping in our hotel room and the next few days were like adrenaline cursing through my veins. We literally had so much coke and ecstasy we had to toss it in the toilet when we left. I ended up doing tons of both as well as drinking my face off. The trip ended up with me onto the beach and pretending to work out with the rest of the guys on the beach gym while being video taped. I know someday it will be funny to watch but even looking at pictures makes me cringe. I can’t even go on Facebook without feeling ashamed and depressed. After we checked out of our hotel and had been up all night we went shopping and I am surprised I did not get arrested or have some difficulty getting on the plane (I had gotten kicked off of a plane once on my 35th birthday). We made it home….


I have now tapered off and have been off of drinking since Tuesday (4 days). I feel like I will have no problems drinking or starting to drink as I know I have a problem and I am aware of how it destroys my life and I never really wanted to go to the music fest in the first place. We have had some additional marital problems in the past month and we have been for the first time going to counseling. My wife is an alcoholic but she is relatively tame actually unless we go out for a night on the town. She is not ready to stop drinking and might not ever be. She is however verbally abusive to me and has been really not nice since our return. She has always been verbally abusive. I am considering and have been researching AA meetings and I am going to attend my first one next week since 1995 when I was 16 and I was your ordered when my house got raided. I have had no legal problems since being an adult and really hope to continue that way. I drink at home alone for the most part and never ever drive drunk. Alcohol is such a huge part of my life and my list of regrets keeps getting larger as I am thinking about it. I am making the list to reference it for the next time I am thinking about taking a drink. I am somewhat of a high profile musician and I am trying to continue my music career while never drinking again. I know some of you are going to slam me but I have had great success using medical marijuana. It does not make me want to drink or do drugs at all. I like coffee and marijuana and having a night out just doing that while others get completely blasted around me does not seem to bother me at all. It is however illegal in my state and I do not carry it on my person ever. It works for me in my periods of what I would call sobriety. I rarely smoke but it is a few times a week at least and when I am in a creative state it seems to really help me and actually help me not drink or want to drink at all.


So I am here now and going to give not drinking another go, I have no super awesome raging party plans and I am hoping my wife does not make any for me. She is not on board with me not drinking she simply does not understand I cannot stop like a normal person. I do not know why I wrote this or if you out there care or find it entertaining. I am serious about not drinking as I know it will kill me and I have so much awesome to give and to do. I am also a father of two and I am sick of them seeing me hungover and stupid. So going to try and be active on this forum and going to try and attend some meetings next week. Alcohol makes me the complete opposite of who I want to be and who I actually am. I really just love people and want to give back to everyone the love they have given me. I need to get to the point where I can say yeah, 2 years sober today! My life is a wreck and I have many many people to take care of including a parent I look after. I hate alcohol….

LBrain

welcome to the forum dj

Anna

Welcome,

I'm glad you've decided to stop drinking. It's a hard decision to make, but you can move forward from here. Do you have any kind of plan as to how you will make this work?

djmchammered

Well, the plan is to keep going to counseling and start going to meetings. The only problem I have really had about finding meetings in my hometown is they all seem to be AA. I am not really about mixing religion with addiction and since I use marijuana maintenance it seems contradictory to the aa principle. However I think it offers the most support. I just hope my wife understands that going to meetings might be mandatory for me. I have many many enablers that just don't get that I can't just stop after a binge. I'm still going to do AA.

TennantSmith

Good luck!!

djmchammered

Thanks guys!

TennantSmith

You're welcome.

DrunkenDonuts

Hey mate. This place is very supportive, so come here when you start thinking you want a drink.

A lot of creative people on here.

CharlesG

Hey man! May the lord bless you!
I am currently living through the same struggle. I am 23, and have been doing music for about four years now, traveling to flordia, traveling to mexico, all around the world, and the main fuel for me until this year has been drugs and alcohol. I would smuggle pills, smuggle weed anything. I have been sober since Christmas of last year, until a music festival in Austin, TX. I didnt get too drunk but I got back on board with drinking and weed. I have been wanting to quit, but sometimes dont see the reason in it. I smoked last night and see that its def not the route I would like to be going down. I feel so far away from god and my true self and purpose. Although I am still able to function and do certain things. Which is why I eventually go back and crash again. And always want to quit whenever I get back hooked. I am going to stay on this website, and keep my faith, and look into other things. I will work all week and stay busy, making my mind up to never touch those things for excitement and fun again!
I wish you the best of luck, we are all human and all have these same wants and defects! I am here with you!
I have also made so many Day 1 posts here, I am happy to be here again and seeing that I shouldnt ever leave this website no matter how far along i feel i have.

Greggo1959

Wow....This story is almost exactly like reading about myself. Good on you for realizing the problems that alcohol is causing you in both your personal and professional life as a musician. I used to think that the whole party scene and getting super wasted was actually beneficial to my musicianship. How wrong I was. I now know how eventually it saps every bit of drive, creativity and self respect out of me. I too have given up the booze a thousand times but always end up relapsing. And every time is worse. It has cost me every bit of credibility I ever had as a musician. I am currently giving sobriety another shot ( on day 9 ) after a particularly horrible night last week, and to me just may have been my rock bottom. I am still cringing whilst writing this. I know that if I don't get off the booze completely then it is going to totally bring me down to places I really don't want to go....or kill me. Good luck with it all. ...and I wish you all the best.

AddictGuy

It seems you said somewhere in your post that you didn't know if we were entertained. Well, me? no, I wasn't. Actually I was afraid for you. And I was afraid for your kids who need their dad. but I wanted to stay with it to see where you were going with it -- what you had concluded -- where you wanted to go from here. I think much of your post was something like AA would call a drunk-a-log. along i was going, and yes, and yes, and what do you want to do?

Going into that wild ride with your wife and friends at that expensive hotel, and you going into it hoping things would go OK. I think most any of us in recovery could be safe in seeing that, in your shoes, no there was one chance in a million that that was going to go OK. That you would stay sane.

I think you have to get clear in your head what the difference between partying and living out a tragedy is. Mixing all of that stuff can . . . . and does kill. As in, like no next day to think over what you did or think about the changes you would like to make moving forward. You can't love the partying life (which you still seem to do by you thinking it was even worth sharing all of those "fun" details) and being clean and sober. One love must win. One love must lose. A house divided and all of that.

i just heard you saying I just hope my wife this, I just hope my wife that. DJ, she's not on board with what you are wanting to do. You counting on her, at this point, is, for me, incomprehensible -- even an out. This is something YOU have to do.

You are very fortunate that this life style has left you in one piece at this point.
And you have kids??? I wonder if they could see those videos that you were talking about making and for them to comprehend just how much danger their daddy was in, how they would feel. Do they understand?

My friend, you say you have plans to go to AA and such. I think you could concern yourself about any reservations you have about an HP later. Right now you need support and a new way of thinking. I hope you get serious and you get serious fast. If you don't hit the brakes hard now, who's to say how it will go the next time you "go there"?

I have been a musician and been on stage and all but not at the level like you have. Still I know the pull of it. the lifestyle. One thing I noticed: those in your profession that get clean have longer carriers, those who don't . . . don't. the career loses, the drugs and alcohol win. It happens all of the time.

You sound on the fence to me. At least you are reaching out, so good. You want some stuff, just not some other stuff. I think you will find that that will not serve. That is what we here have found. You're clean and sober or you are not. Too much of a slippery slope.

Still I remember being in deep. Even how much I tied it all in with getting on stage, even picking up my guitar. It's a long road, it sounds like you are in deep, but whether she knows it, for the sake of your family your wife needs you to show some leadership, and for crying out loud, your kids need you. Sometimes it is those that fly the highest that crash the hardest. I think it was a professional baseball player who said that blow was God's way of telling you that you make too much money. It really only takes one thing to go wrong, and you are definitely walking that narrow, crumbling ledge.

I think you will find, and it might surprise you, but even clean, safe and sober, you can still rock. And you stand a much better chance of getting to the next gig, remembering the words and everything.

Again, thanks for reaching out, and I hope to be hearing from you with good news. I'll watch for you, my friend.

djmchammered

Thank you everyone! Means a lot to read your replies! I have never ever posted anything about being sober anywhere.

The deal is my wife wants to party this last year before trying for another child at the end of this year. Her reasoning is that the next time we will be able to go out will be when we are in our forties. I made the decision to attend events as a partier not as a musician and I did not want to have her go alone and get arrested. Thankfully we have no more plans like that.

As a musician I have no problems going to the gig and playing sober and heading home afterwards. In fact 90% of the gigs in the past year I have done just that.

I really don't mix my faith with my alcohol addiction, I simply do not agree with some of the 12 steps. You might say oh this guy still smokes pot so he is not truly sober and believe that it is a gateway drug. For me it's not and I'm sorry I am not in denial. For me that keeps me off alcohol. I am not getting stoned all day every day. I use it when needed only.

For most people I agree it could be a gateway drug to let's go out and get blasted. And I understand completely where you guys are coming from. But it is what actually works for me. My problem is with binge drinking. If I didn't drink I wouldn't do drugs ever. Don't think I have ever done drugs not drunk. For me using medical marijuana and getting drunk and lit are completely different things on opposite ends of the universe. Using marijuana medicinally to me is not getting messed up. For me the actual buzz only lasts 15 mins and that is the part I like least. Taking two puffs gives me almost an entire day of relief. For example when we got to Miami I got some weed. But as soon as we scored hard drugs I never touched it once and it was very very good. I ended up flushing it. If I had smoked it might have saved me from drinking.


I'm sure that sounds crazy to almost all of you.

Anyways you guys are awesome, and thank you!

Soberwolf

Welcome Dj

Venecia

Welcome to SR, DJ. You'll find lots of support, wise people and good counsel. Some musicians here, too, who are rockin' the sober life.

The bottom line: You can live a sober healthy life.

Lots of references to partying and your life as a partier. Toward the end of your first post, you made reference to having children -- and later that your spouse, who is an alcoholic, wants to try for another baby.

If you need some inspiration for your sobriety, look into the eyes of your children. I can assure you, the decisions about alcohol and drugs being made in your home are impacting them already. Take some time to check out the "Adult Children" and "Friends and Family" sections of SR. There are plenty of heart-breaking stories about what alcoholism and addiction does to kids.

You can right the ship so that your kids have better chances. Your children deserve your sobriety -- and their mothers -- every bit as much as you do.

TomTom75

Hey Mr Deejay... thanks for posting and keep your chin up.

Hevyn

Very glad to meet you dj. This is a great place to unburden yourself and talk things over. We all understand exactly how you feel, and we want to help.

Dee74

Hi and welcome dj

some good advice here already

I'm just wondering in what sense is the marijuana medicinal - do you mean it's prescribed?

I just ask because my pot addiction dovetailed into my alcohol addiction - when I had one I had to have the other.

D

djmchammered

In California yes I have been prescribed medical marijuana. In my home state as of right now it is not available and illegal.

For me pot does not make me want to drink more then not. I simply am an alcoholic who likes to drink regardless....

However when I am making it a point to not drink Alcohol what so ever, Marijuana has brought me huge success personally in deflecting the want to drink. In fact after a month of not drinking I find that marijuana works far better and almost supercharges my creativity and completely almost makes alcohol sound gross. Really weird I know. That's just me personally. Formany I am sure that sounds completely ludacrist...

Dee74

I know for me pot and alcohol hit the same 'escape' buttons in the brain.
I really think you might be making it harder for yourself...but it's your life DJ.

good luck staying off the booze. I'm really glad to see gigging is not a trigger for you.

D

AddictGuy

DJ,

You can't expect us, on this site to say, "hey, you know what? this guy should be smoking pot." Those of us on this side of recovery don't feel sorry for you or think you were strong for throwing anything out that was very, very good. We no longer see any recreational drugs and alcohol as being good.

Just the way you talk, you sound like you are still very drug oriented. Like you know what you are doing. That is not the kind of talk that we hear from people who are serious about getting their lives together.

We only have one bottom line message for you. Get clean and get sober.

You talk about medicinal pot. You talk about it supercharging you. that doesn't sound medicinal. You didn't say what it was medicinal for? Do you have seizures? Are you in pain? Are you taking chemo? You say you only take it when you "need" it. How is it medicinal to you? Because it keeps you from drinking? and if you don't drink you won't use hard drugs? It sounds like some kind of a bargaining thing more than a medicinal thing to me. So, my friend, what am I missing?

Unless you have quite an explanation for pot, you're just not going to find any of us here to salute when you raise that flag. It sounds circular to me.

We are here about getting clean and sober. that's why we are here. We don't recommend or condone pot to keep anyone sober. that's the first I have heard of that one. And if you only use it to keep you sober then why aren't you successful at being sober?

You seem like a thinking and reasoning person. And that is exactly how I am trying to address you. to appeal to your thinking and your reasoning.

the people who get sober -- who get clean and sober -- are the ones who are willing to do anything to get that way. and no, you don't have to do a higher power thing to do that. there are other methods, but you certainly have to find one, if you want to get sober, which is what you say you want to do. You have to have a plan. and then you have to "religiously" follow that plan.

Stay in touch. Let us know what you think and what you are doing.