Cathy123

Thought a road trip sounded like a good idea. Was going to crash the party of a friend's (amy) friend's (todd) friend (bill). Amy got a call from her friend Todd who was at Bill's house for Bill's wife's birthday party. There were going to be a lot of college friends of Bill & his wife there. Amy wanted me to go to meet Todd - a very good friend, possible love interest and the neighbor of her brother who lives hours away from both of us. Amy likes to drink and I guess I do too when I'm with her. I rarely drink with anyone else and I don't have a very high tolerance. We got there around 3am Saturday. Drank a little. Went to sleep. Started drinking again around 3pm on Saturday. Well, there was a lot of beer and some jello shots made with grain alcohol. I thought you couldn't taste grain but we sure did in these shots. Of course that didn't stop us from having a few. We were feeling really good by night time. I sneeked a puff of a guys cigarette. Had to lean against the wall after that - my whole body was numb & spinning but I remember thinking it felt good. Not sure of the details here... Bill said something to me about wanting to fool around. I must have blown him off. In the garage in front of many people, he put his hand on my butt. Apparently no one saw this. He said to me not to worry because I was a sure thing. I told Amy this & she said better luck with Fred (one of the few single guys there). I think she said something like I better know I can't do anything with Bill. I think I said I know. Bill then said to get my car keys. I obediently went into the house & got them. A little while later, he said go out to your car. Again, no questions asked, I went to the car & sat there. Minutes (hours?) later he was in the back seat. I remember fooling around with him & somehow ending up naked except for my sneakers. He had his shorts down but was otherwise clothed. I remember him somehow moving me from laying on my back to suddenly being on top of him. It was somewhere after this that we saw the flashlights. Then the car started rocking. There were screaming voices & people banging on the car. Glad someone locked the doors - him? I didn't look or couldn't see the people. I told Bill he better not open the door until I was dressed. The voices were less now - I remember Todd saying it was just him & Amy. I struggled to pull on clothes while Bill pulled up his shorts. I told him I was dressed & he opened the door. Amy was crying hysterically asking how I could do this to her. They took Bill somewhere & I was alone for a while. I could feel myself falling asleep but thought I have to wake up and make sure I have all my clothes on. I somehow put my bra back on just before Todd & Amy came back to the car. I remember saying I couldn't leave without my things & Todd ran back to get some stuff. Amy got in & was screaming & yelling at me while crying hysterically. I vaguely remember her yanking on my hair but I didn't feel a thing. Todd drove us to a hotel & Amy said something about him driving around for an hour to find one. I vaguely remember him saying something about no rooms. Did we try several places? No clue. Remember Amy saying to him to get her a cab home (over 2 hours away). Luckily he talked her into driving home w/me the next am. We didn't speak the whole way home or since then. She doesn't even care to hear my side (if I could remember it). Apparently she thinks I came on to Bill & was just having fun. This was my first introduction to Todd who she always told I was such a great friend. What a mess. Since we left in a hurry, I have no purse which had all my cash & credit cards. Waiting for someone to mail to Todd who will mail to Amy who will somehow get it to me, I guess. What a way to destroy a 14 year friendship. What the heck was I thinking? Unfortunately, the answer is absolutely nothing. Never remember thinking I shouldn't be doing any of that. Understand that I am 38 years old, single female, well respected in the community. Not overly attractive and weigh just over 200 pounds. How could I have done this? Why didn't I tell him no? Why didn't I give his wife the keys to go meet him? Why didn't I tell Todd instead of Amy? I guess this is what they call black outs from binge drinking. Something I plan on never doing again. I believe I found Bill's wife's address on the interenet & I wrote her an apology. I also sent one to Todd knowing he moved but figuring it would be forwarded. I'm now thinking the address I sent it to belongs to his soon to be ex-wife. Hopefully it will be forwarded. Otherwise, I'm in for more trouble when that reaches it's destination. Where do I go from here?

historyteach

Go Forward.
You cannot change the past. You can only learn from it. It sounds as if you have. There is no way to change it, so, own up to it and then move forward. Please know, you are not the only one to do something totally stupid while drunk. Nor will you be the last. But stop beating yourself up over it. It won't help you.
Wishing you the best.
Shalom!

Chy

Hi and welcome!
Those wild binges tend to leave us in those situations. Are you the first? Hell no! Won't be the last either. However, if alcohol cause such insanity in your life, you may want to think twice about drinking. I know you feel horrible, I know it keeps going through your head, I know you can't dismiss the guilt, knowing, it was not a vengeful situation, it's what the alcohol does to it. We call it incomprehensible demoralization, and it looks like you had your first dose.

Give it time, to the best of your ability, move on knowing that it was just bad choices by both parties. Believe me it could have ended much worse! *hugs* You'll be okay.

Cathy123

Thanks for the advice & encouragement. You're right, I can think of hardly anything else & it happened 6 days ago now. I had a meeting with someone today & as I'm looking her in the eye as she was talking about my computer system, I was thinking what would she think if she knew my secret? I can barely concentrate.
I'm shaking right now but feeling a little better. I just got an email response from Bill's wife. They're going for counseling next week. She wants me to tell her every detail so that she can face this head on and get over it. I really liked her. If not for the distance, I could see her & I having been friends. I really want to tell her everything I can remember. Would that be a mistake? I think if I were in her place, I'd want to know. Especially if I were going to counseling after hearing it. What do you think?
If only my "best" friend would be as nice to me as she was in her letter.

NancyEllen

Take it from one who has been there. End any communication now with this couple. NOW! It is their marriage they are trying to save. It has nothing to do with you. Don't e-mail her again! I was your age when something similar happened to me ten years ago. I was in therapy at the time and my therapist told me just what I told you. You feel bad right now and you want to make amends. Make amends to yourself and move on. Sorry if I seem harsh but I know what you are going through and I can see the whole thing very clearly in hind sight.

Good luck with everything. Don't shake about it. You made a mistake and hell, that is okay.

Nancy

Chy

I agree, nada, zip, nothing! She thinks she want's to know the gory details, but I promise you it will only hurt her worse, and cause more spewing venom. Stop and end it all here and now, and you begin to work on you, let them, work on them.

Cathy123

If I tell her things before she goes for counseling, won't that be okay? She can work it out there, right? I really feel like I need to help her. (I told her I'd email tonight around 11:30) I need to somehow let her see that I'm not a monster & maybe she'll realize her husband isn't either. I'm guessing the alcohol affected him in much the same way it did me. I need her to know that she doesn't have a poor ability to judge people's characters. ... and I guess I need to talk it through with someone. I can't tell anyone else. My best friend won't talk to me and I don't think I could tell anyone else who doesn't know about it. What if I ask her to talk to the counselor first & ask his/her advice? Can I do that??? I don't want to hurt her more than I already have.

Chy

I'd tell her that though you understand her curiosity, it won't help her move on, it won't help you begin the forgiveness process towards yourself. It was a makeout session that shouldn't have happened and you were out of control. Your sorry, but that's it, you don't want to discuss it anymore. Your trying to fix it all, and you just can't do that while trying to get a reprieve from it all, and in a way, that's what your trying to do if your going to be honest.

You have to make the final decision, I know it's still in your brain, I know you want to fix it, for you and her, but IMO, I'd let it go.

elvisbabygirl

you have to take care of yourself....i am sure they have had issues in the past. i am sure you are not the "first" problem and probably not the last in the marriage. this situation is probabaly the final straw...so counseling was the last option...

do not get involved with the wife. she and her husband need to work it out. you were part of a "drunk,ugly, out of control" situation. you have to own your end of it, but that is it. you sent her the email apologizing...that is it......

try to move on....i know it is hard ...i am there right now trying to move on ...tough stuff.....

Cathy123

okay... I like to say that I can learn from other people's mistakes at times. Maybe this is one of them.
I text messaged Amy that I got an email from Bill's wife. Surprisingly she responded & wanted me to send it to her. I asked if I could stop in & discuss it. She said no. She didn't even ask my side of it. Said she can't help me. I'm seriously rethinking what kind of friendship we had. I think I have to leave her out of this now. I will email the wife & tell her what you said. I'll refer her to a couple sights about alcohol black outs. It really helped me to kind of understand how I could do something so out of character. Are there any really good ones anyone would suggest I send her? I will tell her that I was advised it would hurt her more if I told her things and I at least want her to go to 2 counseling sessions first. How would that be?

Cathy123

Here's what I emailed her. Her letter said that I hugged her only an hour before I did this to her.

I wish I remember hugging you. That would be a
nice memory to hold on to but unfortunately, I
don't. This incident really scared me. It's not
at all who I am and to think that NOTHING went
off in my head to stop, that's incomprehensible
to me. I don't recall even thinking of you or
the fact that he was married or even that he was
married to you. I've been trying to understand
what happened. If you research alcoholic
blackouts and binge drinking on the internet, it
may help you understand both my behavior and your
husband's. I really don't have the answers to
your questions.

I joined an on-line alcohol support community.
Like I said, I don't drink much but for this to
happen, I must have some problem. I was advised
by all who responded to stop all communication
because it will only hurt you. I don't know what
to do, (name). I know that I can't risk hurting
you any further. I want you to recover and for
your marriage to be stronger than ever. You
deserve that. Maybe you need to hate me for that
to happen. I don't know. Please see the
counselor and see what he/she says about this. I
can't bear to hurt you more and since neither of
us have been down this path before, lets go
carefully. I will keep praying for all of us to
face this and move on.
Sincerely,


I took out as much as I could about myself & how it constantly runs through my head. I took out about how I needed to feel that I'm not a terrible person. Her email to me asked me why I was wearing different clothes - she said "like boxers & a t-shirt". Remember, I was totally unclothed and am over 200 lbs. Was it the tan lines from wearing short sleeve shirts & shorts??? The windows are tinted & were fogged up but they had flashlights shining in. What did she think she saw?? Whatever... I'm glad she thought it was clothes!

Cathy123

I guess time does help you feel a little better. Had a work dinner last night paid for by clients. Stuck with diet coke the entire evening although anything I would have wanted would have been free. I don't crave it at all so I guess what happened to me was that I had a rude awakening to the power of alcohol. I guess for me it was always a choice & I felt if I wasn't in a situation where I'd be driving, what was the harm of over-doing it? Fortunately I've learned the harm and secondly, I've truly realized the power it can have even over the strongest willed people. I don't think I ever would have believed that someone could appear to be conscious of what they were doing but yet be so incapacitated in making good judgements. It's truly humbling that I cannot remember a single thought about what I was doing was wrong. Although I may still not understand the addictive power, my experience has given me a whole new understanding of people facing this struggle. I guess I was one of those who thought people should just care enough to say no. It has certainly given me more empathy - a lesson I will never forget as I encounter people with addiction problems through out my life.