one obsession for another
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Join Date: Mar 2015
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one obsession for another
Is it common for an A to get sober and then pour all he is into another obsession?
he is working out all the time now, his body is a temple. yadda yadda. he works out every day for 2 hrs.
and he is going to church all the time, talking about God all the time. He leaves me a bible verse every day on my vmail. he is now working with the youth at his church.
I am happy for him, do not get me wrong, but neither of those things were part of our life together. So, it is strange to see such a passion.
he still has no job, it has been 2 months sober now, he still is at a house for homeless vets, they usually only let you stay there for 60 days, but they said he could stay for 90. He isn't actively trying to change either of those things.
Don't get me wrong, it isn't my place to try to help. and I am not. His sister called me today and I could tell she was trying to engage me to go back into that "mode" of helping him. But I just told her thanks for the call.
But between all of us... I hope it is a good step, not a bad one. I really do want the best for him.
PS he has an anklet on to monitor his drinking, he was sentenced to wear it for a yr, he is trying to petition them to let him take it off after 6 months of good behavior
he is working out all the time now, his body is a temple. yadda yadda. he works out every day for 2 hrs.
and he is going to church all the time, talking about God all the time. He leaves me a bible verse every day on my vmail. he is now working with the youth at his church.
I am happy for him, do not get me wrong, but neither of those things were part of our life together. So, it is strange to see such a passion.
he still has no job, it has been 2 months sober now, he still is at a house for homeless vets, they usually only let you stay there for 60 days, but they said he could stay for 90. He isn't actively trying to change either of those things.
Don't get me wrong, it isn't my place to try to help. and I am not. His sister called me today and I could tell she was trying to engage me to go back into that "mode" of helping him. But I just told her thanks for the call.
But between all of us... I hope it is a good step, not a bad one. I really do want the best for him.
PS he has an anklet on to monitor his drinking, he was sentenced to wear it for a yr, he is trying to petition them to let him take it off after 6 months of good behavior
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Very common. It's called "trading up addictions." Anything to escape unwanted feelings, boredom, anger. And, it's not a bad thing as long as someone stays sober. After a while, the craving for escape diminishes as long the addict has therapy or a program.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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Hi DD, as a recovered A, I can tell you it's normal. With me it's all about what I eat/drink so my substitutes were sugary, and tea 
And SR.
It annoys me a bit that i can't just not have any 'addictions' but as they are less harmful than drinking I feel I'm in front.
And SR.It annoys me a bit that i can't just not have any 'addictions' but as they are less harmful than drinking I feel I'm in front.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
Exercise and church are definitely better addictions than alcohol. He's probably trying to figure out how to develop coping skills by doing positive things. Nothing wrong with that. If it's helping him right now it's a good thing.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Yes I think it's common. I recently saw an interview with a fellow by the name of Alice Cooper. Has was a pretty big time music star of some sort. That is no longer. He turned to alcohol and drugs. Got help. Now he says instead of alcohol, he is addicted to golf. Plays it like a religion.
Hey....I guess if someone needs to be addicted, I'd much rather hear that your ex is addicted to something that won't harm others and is all about his addiction that is his to actually enjoy.
Hey....I guess if someone needs to be addicted, I'd much rather hear that your ex is addicted to something that won't harm others and is all about his addiction that is his to actually enjoy.
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thanks guys 
Like I said, we don't really talk, but he calls me every day. I am not at a point where I answer. Not to punish him, I am just not there yet. But I listen to his vmails, and he says a prayer and reads me a daily devotion.
I am glad he is on the healthy road, for him, not for me. we are done. but.., between us, I just wish he would spend some time looking for a place to live and a job too. he doesn't seem to be doing that. thanks all
Like I said, we don't really talk, but he calls me every day. I am not at a point where I answer. Not to punish him, I am just not there yet. But I listen to his vmails, and he says a prayer and reads me a daily devotion. I am glad he is on the healthy road, for him, not for me. we are done. but.., between us, I just wish he would spend some time looking for a place to live and a job too. he doesn't seem to be doing that. thanks all
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Call me a cynic but him calling you and reading prayers seems like a manipulation.
Ever consider changing your number if you are serious about not getting back together?
Addicts are very crafty about wearing down people over time with promises of change.
Maybe they are real, and I think many times the addict believes they are, but the test of time seems to break many resolves.
Listening to his prayers and voice mail every day keeps you stuck.
Is it the best thing for you to be his listening post?
Ever consider changing your number if you are serious about not getting back together?
Addicts are very crafty about wearing down people over time with promises of change.
Maybe they are real, and I think many times the addict believes they are, but the test of time seems to break many resolves.
Listening to his prayers and voice mail every day keeps you stuck.
Is it the best thing for you to be his listening post?
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 
Call me a cynic but him calling you and reading prayers seems like a manipulation.
Listening to his prayers and voice mail every day keeps you stuck.
Is it the best thing for you to be his listening post?
Listening to his prayers and voice mail every day keeps you stuck.
Is it the best thing for you to be his listening post?
I am happy when people find God in their lives if it helps them lead a better life. But that does not mean I want them to expect me to listen to them about it. They can make me just as uncomfortable as a drunk. You just want to avoid being around them.
And yes it could certainly be a manipulation he is using to get you to let him in.
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thanks guys, a lot to think about. I don't know . that is the honest truth. I am 45 and I have never had an alcoholic in my life before. So, this is all so new to me. I don't hate him, I am not that angry anymore. I am just hurt, plain hurt, the cheating mostly. I think it is really important to him to keep in contact with me. Friendship seems to be very important to him with me. I do not try to hurt him or use things against him. I am glad he is sober now, 2 months. I am still just tired... that is the best word to use.. I am tired. he wore me out, and all the other stuff just seems to be sitting inside me, not able to come out yet, I am so tired
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Yes it's normal. Sounds like he's switched addictions, from Alcohol to working out and church.
Originally Posted by daydreamer0217
Is it common for an A to get sober and then pour all he is into another obsession?
he is working out all the time now, his body is a temple. yadda yadda. he works out every day for 2 hrs.
and he is going to church all the time, talking about God all the time. He leaves me a bible verse every day on my vmail. he is now working with the youth at his church.
I am happy for him, do not get me wrong, but neither of those things were part of our life together. So, it is strange to see such a passion.
he still has no job, it has been 2 months sober now, he still is at a house for homeless vets, they usually only let you stay there for 60 days, but they said he could stay for 90. He isn't actively trying to change either of those things.
Don't get me wrong, it isn't my place to try to help. and I am not. His sister called me today and I could tell she was trying to engage me to go back into that "mode" of helping him. But I just told her thanks for the call.
But between all of us... I hope it is a good step, not a bad one. I really do want the best for him.
PS he has an anklet on to monitor his drinking, he was sentenced to wear it for a yr, he is trying to petition them to let him take it off after 6 months of good behavior
he is working out all the time now, his body is a temple. yadda yadda. he works out every day for 2 hrs.
and he is going to church all the time, talking about God all the time. He leaves me a bible verse every day on my vmail. he is now working with the youth at his church.
I am happy for him, do not get me wrong, but neither of those things were part of our life together. So, it is strange to see such a passion.
he still has no job, it has been 2 months sober now, he still is at a house for homeless vets, they usually only let you stay there for 60 days, but they said he could stay for 90. He isn't actively trying to change either of those things.
Don't get me wrong, it isn't my place to try to help. and I am not. His sister called me today and I could tell she was trying to engage me to go back into that "mode" of helping him. But I just told her thanks for the call.
But between all of us... I hope it is a good step, not a bad one. I really do want the best for him.
PS he has an anklet on to monitor his drinking, he was sentenced to wear it for a yr, he is trying to petition them to let him take it off after 6 months of good behavior
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Wait a minute--didn't you say this guy was seeing someone else?
WHY are you still listening? Why are you following his every move in his recovery, trying to figure out whether he's making healthy choices?
I know you guys have a long history, and I get hoping he gets well, regardless of the status of your relationship, but I don't see where this scrutinizing his every move, and allowing him to leave you devotional VMs, is good for you.
WHY are you still listening? Why are you following his every move in his recovery, trying to figure out whether he's making healthy choices?
I know you guys have a long history, and I get hoping he gets well, regardless of the status of your relationship, but I don't see where this scrutinizing his every move, and allowing him to leave you devotional VMs, is good for you.
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I see what you are saying, like I said, this is all new. so I am learning. I am not scrutinizing his every move, I am not following him around, I am repeating what he left on my vmails. thats all. and yes he is seeing someone else. I dont know what I am doing. just trying to get by I guess. I am getting out of bed, smiling to my kids, going about my day, but feel completely empty inside. that is the truth. I am going to meetings, healing, and talking with friends. Just trying to smile most days
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i thought this was a plac e of help and comfort, not people twisting your words around, like the A's do. sorry my bad. I will look elsewhere. take care all. I wish you the best. but I am out of here. I need support, not criticism
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No, what I mean is that you're analyzing what he is doing, what it means, is it normal--that sort of thing can keep you stuck. As can listening to his daily devotional messages. That's keeping you all wrapped up in his life.
If you want to get UNSTUCK, and start making room in your life for positive things, you have to step AWAY from the alcoholic.
You can block his communications and tell his sister that you don't want to discuss him (that's assuming you are friends with her outside of the fact that she's his sister and you were in a relationship with him--if that's not the case, I'd suggest ending communication with her, too).
If you feel you owe him an explanation, you can tell him that you honestly wish him the best with his recovery, but that you are moving on and do not want to hear from him again. Then BLOCK him.
It may feel strange at first, but believe me, it's the only way to move on from this feeling of being stuck and empty.
If you want to get UNSTUCK, and start making room in your life for positive things, you have to step AWAY from the alcoholic.
You can block his communications and tell his sister that you don't want to discuss him (that's assuming you are friends with her outside of the fact that she's his sister and you were in a relationship with him--if that's not the case, I'd suggest ending communication with her, too).
If you feel you owe him an explanation, you can tell him that you honestly wish him the best with his recovery, but that you are moving on and do not want to hear from him again. Then BLOCK him.
It may feel strange at first, but believe me, it's the only way to move on from this feeling of being stuck and empty.
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Originally Posted by daydreamer0217
i thought this was a plac e of help and comfort, not people twisting your words around, like the A's do. sorry my bad. I will look elsewhere. take care all. I wish you the best. but I am out of here. I need support, not criticism
That's where we are coming from. And yes, we've all gone back and forth on our feelings about the alcoholic. But if, indeed, you are "done" and hoping to heal from that, listening to his VMs and trying to figure out his progress in recovery is not an effective way to do that. We are speaking from our own experience, here, not just randomly dishing out advice about something we know nothing about.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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Yes it is normal. The RA in my life traded alcohol for church and AA. When that excitement wore off he traded it for women and relationships. And now he's mainly just "busy." Even after two years I think he had trouble just being by himself.
And to the original poster, this is a tough subject and a tough life to live. Sometimes people's responses will make you feel better, take it. Sometimes they will **** you off, leave it. Take what you need and leave the rest. People don't know your life, it's your journey to take. There is no wrong way!
And to the original poster, this is a tough subject and a tough life to live. Sometimes people's responses will make you feel better, take it. Sometimes they will **** you off, leave it. Take what you need and leave the rest. People don't know your life, it's your journey to take. There is no wrong way!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Honestly, I don't see anyone here being critical of you, but just trying to help you find clarity for yourself from people who have been through it. This IS a place of support and understanding -maybe something got misunderstood in some way?
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