So this is one of those crappy days
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
So this is one of those crappy days
It seems the anger has gone and I'm back to feeling overwhelmed with sadness and very tearful.
I've been dreaming about him every night this week nothing specific or else I don't remember what the dream was about I just remember he's in their in my dreams.
Today is a day I want to curl up in bed.
I've been dreaming about him every night this week nothing specific or else I don't remember what the dream was about I just remember he's in their in my dreams.
Today is a day I want to curl up in bed.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
But you know, now, that this will pass.
Anything that's been on our minds a lot can be in our dreams. The newly sober have drinking dreams a lot. It can freak them out, big time. I find that reading a chapter or two of a really absorbing novel right before I go to sleep is a nice way to get my head out of my problems right before I go to sleep.
Don't curl up in bed, but do try to do something nice for yourself today.
Hugs,
Anything that's been on our minds a lot can be in our dreams. The newly sober have drinking dreams a lot. It can freak them out, big time. I find that reading a chapter or two of a really absorbing novel right before I go to sleep is a nice way to get my head out of my problems right before I go to sleep.
Don't curl up in bed, but do try to do something nice for yourself today.
Hugs,
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Butterfly,
You are giving this person a whole hell of a lot of power in your life, my dear. I've been watching you struggle with this for months now. Almost five months actually. I know this is a stage in the grief process... But I think you need a reminder of how bad this person was to you. How many nights you spent crying because he treated you like crap and wondering what it would take to make him love you... Now you are crying over what your brain is telling you COULD have been.
Don't go down this road for too long girlie. You don't deserve this road. Be quick to pull yourself out of the tears of what could have been.
I think it's getting close to time, butterfly. Time for brand new horizons and many smiles.
You can do this, you are strong.
Hugs girlie!!! So so so many hugs!
You are giving this person a whole hell of a lot of power in your life, my dear. I've been watching you struggle with this for months now. Almost five months actually. I know this is a stage in the grief process... But I think you need a reminder of how bad this person was to you. How many nights you spent crying because he treated you like crap and wondering what it would take to make him love you... Now you are crying over what your brain is telling you COULD have been.
Don't go down this road for too long girlie. You don't deserve this road. Be quick to pull yourself out of the tears of what could have been.
I think it's getting close to time, butterfly. Time for brand new horizons and many smiles.
You can do this, you are strong.
Hugs girlie!!! So so so many hugs!
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Just had an argument with dd. she was telling me things about her dad and what happened when he was away looking after his nieces. I asked her if he had upset her or annoyed her in anyway and she said no. I told her then I don't want to know anything about him u less he's done something to upset and annoy you because I get upset and angry. She got really annoyed saying me being upset all the time makes her feel crap. !!!!
I try really hard so my kids don't see I'm upset/hurt but there are days I don't have the strength and I'm exhausted
I try really hard so my kids don't see I'm upset/hurt but there are days I don't have the strength and I'm exhausted
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Ok, so DD is not being very supportive, but my dear... There WILL come a day when you ARE able to hear stuff about xah... That time just isn't now. Maybe you could explain that to her? Like hey, one of these days I'll be ok with talking nonchalantly about your father, but right now, I'm not.
You don't HAVE to allow stuff like this to change your resolve. Yes, your tired. You won't ALWAYS be tired. You won't ALWAYS be sad. And you won't ALWAYS be angry.
Hugs
You don't HAVE to allow stuff like this to change your resolve. Yes, your tired. You won't ALWAYS be tired. You won't ALWAYS be sad. And you won't ALWAYS be angry.
Hugs
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
It's good that you can level with DD, Butterfly because it does you no good to be hearing stories about him, and although she's annoyed she needs to know that.
The good days will start increasing; it's only been a year after all. You've made a lot of progress.
The good days will start increasing; it's only been a year after all. You've made a lot of progress.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
Keep your head up, hon. This is just one day. Sometimes we have to fake it 'til we make it. And yes... I hate those dreams.
Regarding your daughter, It helps me to remember that my daughter and I are going through this process at times together and at times separately. In many ways it's no different than a death. Each person needs to go through a process on their own with the support of those around them. The tracks run side by side, and sometimes cross, but they're separate tracks.
It's important you respect that you're children are going through something as well. Further more, I think it's important that they know you respect their process.
Your daughter may not feel comfortable having to edit or monitor her own speech constantly. She may think you're asking a bit too much from her. Maybe the two of you need to talk about this. She may not be comfortable having to do this for the rest of her life. Is that what you're asking her to do, or is this just a phase you think you need to get through. This is the kind of stuff to talk about. I know my daughter was made a lot more comfortable with my sudden bursts of crying by simply knowing it was a phase.
I'll also add, Butterfly, that I've spent a good portion of the last year trying to better some of my communication techniques with my daughter. I can kvetch about the STBXAH till the cows come home and nothing will change, but I can change some of the weird little dynamics in communication that have arisen between my daughter and myself. I figure that's where the real recovery payoff is.
Regarding your daughter, It helps me to remember that my daughter and I are going through this process at times together and at times separately. In many ways it's no different than a death. Each person needs to go through a process on their own with the support of those around them. The tracks run side by side, and sometimes cross, but they're separate tracks.
It's important you respect that you're children are going through something as well. Further more, I think it's important that they know you respect their process.
Your daughter may not feel comfortable having to edit or monitor her own speech constantly. She may think you're asking a bit too much from her. Maybe the two of you need to talk about this. She may not be comfortable having to do this for the rest of her life. Is that what you're asking her to do, or is this just a phase you think you need to get through. This is the kind of stuff to talk about. I know my daughter was made a lot more comfortable with my sudden bursts of crying by simply knowing it was a phase.
I'll also add, Butterfly, that I've spent a good portion of the last year trying to better some of my communication techniques with my daughter. I can kvetch about the STBXAH till the cows come home and nothing will change, but I can change some of the weird little dynamics in communication that have arisen between my daughter and myself. I figure that's where the real recovery payoff is.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
It'll get better.
I think your just purging your psyche.
I had tons of about my alcoholic mother when I finally
stopped enabling her and let the anger out.
It'll pass.
Do you keep a journal?
That helped me quite a bit.
Write it all down, keep it or burn it if it was toxic.
I think your just purging your psyche.
I had tons of about my alcoholic mother when I finally
stopped enabling her and let the anger out.
It'll pass.
Do you keep a journal?
That helped me quite a bit.
Write it all down, keep it or burn it if it was toxic.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Thanks everyone.
I did take free's advise and say to dd that maybe some day we will be able to talk about him but not at the minute.
Serious, I know my daughter is grieving but she won't talk about it, she prefers to bury it because thinking or talking about it make her angry. She is like him that way,, bottles everything up and I know it's not healthy but she's 21 I can't keep pushing her to open up about it i hope she will in time. The only time she will say anything bad about him is when he has p***ed her off. She will have an outburst then it's forgotten about. I also explained to her that I am doing my best but that some days I'm sadder than others and other days im ok that it will take time but I will not shut out my feelings. I try not to talk to her about it as last time I did she bit my head off and stormed out.
Hawkeye I do journal still struggling with understanding my feelings and why I feel that way.
Lexie, I've been reading co dependent no more before going to bed, maybe I should read that another time and pick a different book for bed!!
Feelinggreat thank you for reminding me to go easy on myself and not expect everything to be better.
Free I am still struggling with what could have been and the hurt and anger as to how he has treated me.
I did take free's advise and say to dd that maybe some day we will be able to talk about him but not at the minute.
Serious, I know my daughter is grieving but she won't talk about it, she prefers to bury it because thinking or talking about it make her angry. She is like him that way,, bottles everything up and I know it's not healthy but she's 21 I can't keep pushing her to open up about it i hope she will in time. The only time she will say anything bad about him is when he has p***ed her off. She will have an outburst then it's forgotten about. I also explained to her that I am doing my best but that some days I'm sadder than others and other days im ok that it will take time but I will not shut out my feelings. I try not to talk to her about it as last time I did she bit my head off and stormed out.
Hawkeye I do journal still struggling with understanding my feelings and why I feel that way.
Lexie, I've been reading co dependent no more before going to bed, maybe I should read that another time and pick a different book for bed!!
Feelinggreat thank you for reminding me to go easy on myself and not expect everything to be better.
Free I am still struggling with what could have been and the hurt and anger as to how he has treated me.
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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I'm also seriously trying to manage my codie behaviour today. DS has been quiet recently and well DD just seems to think dad is the best, he gave her money for her birthday and is helping her look for a new car.
I worry that he is saying things to them about me, about me not agreeing to his way of managing the divorce and recently I found myself asking DS if anything has been said to him to make him annoyed. After I said it I knew I shouldn't have.
He is also giving DS a lot of money towards his car, after telling DS he was skint and has been out looking at cars for him trying to get him one sorted. While that's great and these are things dads are supposed to do I just think he's trying to buy them off and it makes me mad.
Sometimes I feel my anxiety is worse when I'm tired and not feeling the best.
I worry that he is saying things to them about me, about me not agreeing to his way of managing the divorce and recently I found myself asking DS if anything has been said to him to make him annoyed. After I said it I knew I shouldn't have.
He is also giving DS a lot of money towards his car, after telling DS he was skint and has been out looking at cars for him trying to get him one sorted. While that's great and these are things dads are supposed to do I just think he's trying to buy them off and it makes me mad.
Sometimes I feel my anxiety is worse when I'm tired and not feeling the best.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
What he does/doesn't do for the kids is none of your business. NOT something you need to worry about.
When my kids were younger, living with their dad and stepmom, I strongly disagreed with certain things these very lovely, nice people did. Their stepmom paid them each time they hung up their coats. I'm like, WHAAA??
I told kiddos they don't get paid at my house, but they gotta do it anyway. Because this is MY house, and *I* make the rules here.
I didn't care for the way their dad jumped in to buy them cars, to fix or replace said cars when they racked them up on the road.
But it was BETWEEN THEM. Not my business, nobody was asking me to do it, or asking me anything, period. I non-confrontationally suggested to their dad that maybe it wasn't a good idea, but then shut up about it. His house, his money, his call.
Both of my kids--now in their late 20s--have turned out to be pretty responsible and they are now self-supporting (thank GOODNESS).
Your kids are at an age where they can see for themselves who and what their dad is and whether he speaks the truth about you or about anything else.
When my kids were younger, living with their dad and stepmom, I strongly disagreed with certain things these very lovely, nice people did. Their stepmom paid them each time they hung up their coats. I'm like, WHAAA??
I told kiddos they don't get paid at my house, but they gotta do it anyway. Because this is MY house, and *I* make the rules here.
I didn't care for the way their dad jumped in to buy them cars, to fix or replace said cars when they racked them up on the road.
But it was BETWEEN THEM. Not my business, nobody was asking me to do it, or asking me anything, period. I non-confrontationally suggested to their dad that maybe it wasn't a good idea, but then shut up about it. His house, his money, his call.
Both of my kids--now in their late 20s--have turned out to be pretty responsible and they are now self-supporting (thank GOODNESS).
Your kids are at an age where they can see for themselves who and what their dad is and whether he speaks the truth about you or about anything else.
Baby Steps
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Thanks Lexie. I think part of me is feeling guilty that I can't give DS money towards his car. We bought DD a car but we were together then and our financial position was different.
I think it's more guilt I feel I should be able to do more.
I think it's more guilt I feel I should be able to do more.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yeah, I get that. Your kids know what your financial circumstances are. Things even out in the long run. When you can afford it, you can give him a gift card to an auto parts store or something and let him get some cool accessories for his wheels. And someday when he needs something else you can help him out--when you can afford to. He's not a little kid where he has to have the exact same sized piece of cake as his sister. 
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