JohnQPublic

Shame, guilt, anger, lonely. I got sober in June 2014 and went to meetings till I got my six month chip. I really did not mesh well at the group but I knew that was more important to be sober. I finally had enough, because I am an egotist, like lots of us, and stopped going. We have a new baby and since I stopped practicing Addiction Counseling full time I was full time dad. My wife makes a very good living so I can just work on me and be with the kids. I felt everything was good till about three weeks ago. The depression and anxiety are hitting me hard. Oh btw I have PTSD. I worked as a Addictionologist for around eight years before I realized I was an addict/alcoholic. The irony is not lost on me. So I have blown my time with a relapse. Have drank 3 times recently. Never getting wrecked like before and taking care of the kids but I know it will only progress. I feel lost and lonely. I used to give lectures on lots of the chapters from the big book, I am highly educated in brain chem, and almost every aspect of addiction. I have aided 100s to get clean and yet I cannot apply it to myself. I am powerless over my addiction. I am inside my head way too much. I isolate and don't interact with others if I can help it nowadays. Nobody, wife family, know about my relapse yet but I know I will tell them. I am just ashamed. Which is stupid. Relapse is a part of recovery, if it was not a struggle I wouldn't be a drunk/pothead/pill taker. Thanks for listening. I am really limited in my geographical area to what meetings are available but am searching heard to get one that works and gets back in. I know intellectually that I cannot let my disease brain trick me into doing it alone but that's what my heart wants to do. Probably because somewhere in me I know I cannot and the monster wants to be fed. Thanks for letting me share.

Dee74

Welcome John

I've really found the peer support here helped me turn things around, challenged me when I needed it, and gave me some great advice.

I know we can help you too.

I'm glad you found us.

Nah relapse is part of the disease man.
Recovery has nothing to do with letting ourselves falling sick again. y'know?

So you're sticking with the 'lone wolf' idea...that's your call....but get a little back up here - it will really help

D

JohnQPublic

You are correct of course

IOAA2

Hi and welcome.

In many years in the program intellect hasn’t been something that gets one sober. IT’S ACTIONS we do to get and stay sober. Perhaps it’s called terminal uniqueness, guilt, shame, isolation, resentments and on and on.
Many “down and out doorway drunks” seem to get it quickly, because they remember when quite well what it was like.

Each person is unique and as you many never make it for many reasons, mainly not being honest with themselves about their drinking AND accepting they can’t drink in safety.

One thing that helped me was that I finally followed the suggestion “KEEP COMING” which resulted in hearing the things that maybe in books but they are not said with the feelings felt at meetings which got me to come to believe.

BE WELL

Fly N Buy

Hi John -

The two most important things I have learned from friends in AA are - don't drink and don't not drink alone.

Our pseudo intellectual ego's fueled by our disease love to separate us from the pack is my experience. The defect of too smart for my own good kept me drunk for years......

Glad you're here posting - you are not alone. Perhaps post a lot more frequently over the next weeks and months. You have a lot to offer others!

Peace

Anna

I think that knowing about addiction intellectually and dealing with your own addiction are two different things.

I agree that you should not blame and beat on yourself about this because the most important thing is what you will do today. So stay positive and get back to working on your recovery.

Mountainmanbob

That could be a self deceptive thought being entertained.

MM

Soberwolf

Welcome John i 5000% with D's post

MIRecovery

I can only speak for myself but I never had the sense I did mesh at a meeting. I have a white collar job and go to a meeting in a farming community directly from work. l could not be more out of place if I tried but I fit in just fine with rural drunks because they understand me better than the vast majority of people

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum John!!

Buggirl

Welcome! This is a great place and has helped me through patches that AA just wouldn't have been there in time for! Great people, keep posting.

JohnQPublic

I came clean to my family and I feel better. Thank you all for your feedback. I have found a new meeting and am going on Easter night to the new group. I don't want to drink anymore. I know that what happened is all on me. I had a support team I could have called there were meetings I could go to even if I didn't mesh well. I didn't do any of that because I knew it would stop me. I know I must surrender and bot fight with my intellect. Thanks again for all the help and I am really glad I found this site. God Bless

JimdiGriz

John well done that's a hell of a struggle and you've set the right foot forwards