Feeling Guilty
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 50
Feeling Guilty
First off, I know there'll always be scenarios worse than mine and people that have a worse life than me. & I know that doesn't make my hardships any less legitimate. & yet I find myself feeling guilty tonight. Feeling guilty for feeling sad or depressed.
I have a healthy 8 month old. I get help with him weekly so that I can have time alone. Me & AH have our own business that I can do my part of the job from home and only takes 1-2 hours a day. We are well provided for (although his addiction did use up a TON of money, unlike other situations it hasn't put us at a financial disadvantage). Great home, food on the table, transportation, means to live by.. AH is making an effort to get clean and educated about addiction and pitches in with housework & the baby when he can..
Yet I feel empty and unhappy. That sometimes he'll go days without really being able to function.. That precious time is being wasted.. I guess it's pretty trivial compared to some peoples cases.. I don't know the point of this other than to vent to people that will understand. I feel robbed and like I can't even complain about it because we are still so blessed in all other areas.. Makes me feel like a negative nancy. All kinds of confused feelings tonight.
I have a healthy 8 month old. I get help with him weekly so that I can have time alone. Me & AH have our own business that I can do my part of the job from home and only takes 1-2 hours a day. We are well provided for (although his addiction did use up a TON of money, unlike other situations it hasn't put us at a financial disadvantage). Great home, food on the table, transportation, means to live by.. AH is making an effort to get clean and educated about addiction and pitches in with housework & the baby when he can..
Yet I feel empty and unhappy. That sometimes he'll go days without really being able to function.. That precious time is being wasted.. I guess it's pretty trivial compared to some peoples cases.. I don't know the point of this other than to vent to people that will understand. I feel robbed and like I can't even complain about it because we are still so blessed in all other areas.. Makes me feel like a negative nancy. All kinds of confused feelings tonight.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Hi Periwinkle,
I understand.
What went on with my husband (very recently ex) wasn't that bad compared to many.
He is a functioning addict. He works. He chips in with the housework and walks the dog. He can even be quite loving at times.
However there were about 7 months last year when he didn't work (always the rest of the time I knew him - 3 years - he did) and I used a lot of my money supporting us both whilst also trying to grow a new business, which is a challenge in itself.
He was never violent. So things were not really bad. And they certainly weren't great either.
And he lied.
He ended up in hospital last Autumn when he tried to detox himself because I found out and nearly packed up his kidneys. I thought he was going to die. It was awful and I decided I never wanted to go through that again.
I decided to stay with him - ONCE. One time.
I promised myself, and him, that I wouldn't go through it over and over. I knew that relapse is common and I wanted to give us one chance as I love(d) him.
He started using again.
But of course it was so confusing because he lied about it and covered up. Weird things were happening again, but he always had a plausible(isn) excuse (lie).
So I left. I trusted myself not him.
I understand how you feel though because even when I was there, and he was in recovery (supposedly) - he was trying. He was attending SMART meetings and making the right noises.
But I noticed how angry, sad and depressed I was feeling all the time. And how paranoid. I began to notice how things didn't quite add up, and how somehow, even with both of us working with never seemed to have any money.
Things were kind of OK on the surface. Like the cover up was good. And compared to many here I had it rosy. However deep down inside of me I knew it didn't feel right.
Also his health was not great (because of years of drug abuse although he always had an 'alternative' reason why he had health issues). That made me sad.
So, I get what you mean.
I think sometimes no matter what is going on in the relationship sometimes we have sad feelings, it's normal. And if you have been through any kind of trauma (and lying is trauma too) then feeling sad / depressed etc is to be expected.
For me personally though the feelings weren't just regular 'I'm sad' feelings. Deep down I knew he was using again and that is why I chose to go. Even if he wasn't if I was sad / depressed the whole time and I thought it was because of the relationship I would have left.
I suppose it's important to work out what is 'ours' and what is caused by the situation if that makes sense?
Sending hugs (and chocolate for Easter!).
I understand.
What went on with my husband (very recently ex) wasn't that bad compared to many.
He is a functioning addict. He works. He chips in with the housework and walks the dog. He can even be quite loving at times.
However there were about 7 months last year when he didn't work (always the rest of the time I knew him - 3 years - he did) and I used a lot of my money supporting us both whilst also trying to grow a new business, which is a challenge in itself.
He was never violent. So things were not really bad. And they certainly weren't great either.
And he lied.
He ended up in hospital last Autumn when he tried to detox himself because I found out and nearly packed up his kidneys. I thought he was going to die. It was awful and I decided I never wanted to go through that again.
I decided to stay with him - ONCE. One time.
I promised myself, and him, that I wouldn't go through it over and over. I knew that relapse is common and I wanted to give us one chance as I love(d) him.
He started using again.
But of course it was so confusing because he lied about it and covered up. Weird things were happening again, but he always had a plausible(isn) excuse (lie).
So I left. I trusted myself not him.
I understand how you feel though because even when I was there, and he was in recovery (supposedly) - he was trying. He was attending SMART meetings and making the right noises.
But I noticed how angry, sad and depressed I was feeling all the time. And how paranoid. I began to notice how things didn't quite add up, and how somehow, even with both of us working with never seemed to have any money.
Things were kind of OK on the surface. Like the cover up was good. And compared to many here I had it rosy. However deep down inside of me I knew it didn't feel right.
Also his health was not great (because of years of drug abuse although he always had an 'alternative' reason why he had health issues). That made me sad.
So, I get what you mean.
I think sometimes no matter what is going on in the relationship sometimes we have sad feelings, it's normal. And if you have been through any kind of trauma (and lying is trauma too) then feeling sad / depressed etc is to be expected.
For me personally though the feelings weren't just regular 'I'm sad' feelings. Deep down I knew he was using again and that is why I chose to go. Even if he wasn't if I was sad / depressed the whole time and I thought it was because of the relationship I would have left.
I suppose it's important to work out what is 'ours' and what is caused by the situation if that makes sense?
Sending hugs (and chocolate for Easter!).
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Periwinkle,
I am glad that your hubby is working on his addiction. While that is reason to be glad, your feelings are very real, and legitimate. Having a spouse who cannot function for days , sometime, would be a real downer for me as well. Not what you dreamed of exactly, when you envisioned your lives together, I would guess.
I hope that you can find a way to nurture yourself, during this transition, and give yourself what you need. Have you any hobbies or special things you haven't been able to do, with a new baby (8 months is such a fun age), it can keep you pretty busy.
Hugs to you,
chicory
I am glad that your hubby is working on his addiction. While that is reason to be glad, your feelings are very real, and legitimate. Having a spouse who cannot function for days , sometime, would be a real downer for me as well. Not what you dreamed of exactly, when you envisioned your lives together, I would guess.
I hope that you can find a way to nurture yourself, during this transition, and give yourself what you need. Have you any hobbies or special things you haven't been able to do, with a new baby (8 months is such a fun age), it can keep you pretty busy.
Hugs to you,
chicory
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Boston,MA
Posts: 8
Your feelings aren't trivial, so don't feel guilty! A functioning addict is still an addict, so while you may be thankful your life isn't totally upside down, it's still ok for you to be feeling upset that it isn't what you wanted it to be. No one dreams about marrying an addicted/alcoholic soulmate!
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