sorcharuane

I have decided to have no contact for 40 days with the alcoholic I know I need to break up with. It's only the second day and it's really hard already! I spent most of the day just feeling gutted, wondering how will I get used to life without him, thinking of the nice times we had, crying, then thinking what if he dies, how can I turn my back on him when he's in this state? I know it's all part of the process. I know it's hard to let go of someone who's been a big part of my life for a couple of years, and aren't they good at making themselves a big, no, the biggest part of our lives? and of course I had a part in that too, just dying for a distraction, an obsession to latch on to. I don't know how I'm going to manage this but I am going to give it my best shot. I can no longer put up with a few good weeks here and there followed by weeks of incoherence, twisted mind games, abuse and watching him literally kill himself. please pray for strength for me. Thanks guys.

Kboys

Good for you! You've taken the first step
You're doing the right thing.
He has to figure this out on his own and you need to take care of YOU!!!
But believe me, I understand how hard it is. It's heart-wrenching.
But you WILL get used to life without him the more you focus on YOU.
Sending you strength
HUGS

firebolt

Hang in there! You see it all clearly and are doing the right thing!

Dojang

It's been 7 months for me. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. With counseling, Al Anon & physical exercise, I made it through. I'm now happier than I have been in years. It took a lot of work to get to this point, but I wouldn't change a thing. I am so glad I'm emotionally & physically happy. Stay strong, lean on others & don't give up on yourself.

maia1234

You don't need to say 40. I don't you just say for today. Long term goals are hard. Those days will add up and you will get to 40 before you know it.

Stay strong!!! Your life will be so much better without his drama!!

ErinGoBragh

My AH was found dead on 1/16/15. According to the coroner, he had been dead several days. I had to go into the apartment where he died to gather his belongings, including important files regarding finances. I had gone no-contact a year before his death. I received several emails from him, even a birthday card. I chose not to respond.

This was my rationale for going no-contact. Were there good times? Yes, there were. But as time went on the bad times became very bad, the good times became fewer, and I was worn out from the insanity.

In fact, it got to the point that the bad had continued for so long, it blurred my memories of the good times. And I quit deceiving myself that my husband was going to get sober.

I respected his right to drink himself to death. It is tragic, it is sad, but it wasn't my life to be chained to his suffering or addiction.

maybear

Hi
I've not had contact with my husband for almost a month. Keeping busy and accepting not running from my feelings has helped. Just accepting that I am sad and knowing that one day it will pass.
Hugs.

sorcharuane

Thanks all for the supportive replies. It really does help. ErinGoBraugh I'm so sorry to hear about your AH's death. That is probably the thing that scares me most. I got a text from my alcoholic a while ago saying 'why hurt me?'. I hadn't heard from him in a couple of days and thought maybe he has decided to respect my request for no contact. It does pull at my heart strings. It is hurting me so much too, trying to let go. And he just doesn't seem to get it that it's his drinking and behaviour when drinking that have brought us to this point. Life is very quiet without him. I have children, work, friends, family and lots of interests and hobbies but it's like nothing is as exciting as he is to me. I know that is so wrong, I just don't understand what happens to me around alcoholic men. It's like I get hooked on the chaos and drama, the adrenaline, even though it's so destructive. Anyway the important thing is, I didn't reply and I've now switched my phone off for the night. Thanks all.

Ladywind

I am in the same situation. All you think about is are they ok? When I think of making contacy. I remember the manipulation and how alcoholics lie, but mostly I wont be second anymore to drinking. They choose to drink and therefore they can expect no healthy relationship.

LifeRecovery

I had to say this to myself on a regular basis.

No contact = No new hurts.

AliWProk

Al Anon helped me. Do you have a meeting you could go to?

Hawkeye13

It sounds like you are doing the right thing for you.
Hold the line Sorcha.

There has to be a boundary at some point.
They can't, and shouldn't, take you on their death spiral.

My mother tried to do that. Not good.

ErinGoBragh

I want to make this clear, and I apologize that I didn't in my first response. I loved my husband very much. I still love him. I never stopped loving him. But I got to the point that I knew the best he could do in active addiction was manipulate me. He was in such bad shape, I don't think it was a conscious action any longer; he was simply doing what addicts do.

No, your man does not understand that his drinking is destroying relationships. When I walked into my husband's apartment and saw how he spent the last few months of his life, I had a sudden ah-ha moment. I truly realized, at last, that he never could bring himself to believe his was an alcoholic. He had anxiety, he was depressed, he possibly had PTSD. But alcoholism? No, it just wasn't possible for him to figure that out.

That makes NO SENSE to me. I walked into a kitchen with broken glass and vomit on the floor. I walked through a reasonably nice apartment that was filthy. He had thrown his clothing into the bathtub after he had a major case of diarrhea and soiled all his clothes. The stench of stale cigarette smoke was terrible. And there were at least 20 empty wine boxes next to the living room sofa, along with empty wine bottles.

He lived the last weeks of his life laying on a sofa drinking and smoking, and apparently nothing else.

Sure, there have been times when I've thought I could have done something - anything - to get him to get sober. I even wished I had contacted him the last few months of his life. Why? I was going to tell him to come home to me and live here so he would have a chance at survival.

WHAT WAS I THINKING??? I simply did not, and do not, have the power to get an alcoholic sober.

I respect you for seeing the role you are playing in this. I realize there is lots of "chaos and drama" but that isn't a healthy or fulfilling way to live, is it? I had more than enough drama. But I started going to Al-Anon twice a week to look at the part I played in the mess that became my marriage.

Please get help for yourself. You know you have a problem, which is addiction to addicts. You can get better if you want to. Just like him. It is your life and your choice to get better. Leave him to make his choice for his life.

Wishing you all the very best.

sorcharuane

Thanks everybody, visiting this site, hearing people's responses, listening to how you all handled similar experiences is helping me to stay strong at the moment. I do attend alanon, have been for about 3 years now! I joined, not because of this man, I hadn't even met him yet, but because one of my son's was showing signs of addiction to cannabis. He is now clean and in recovery thank God, there are some miracles happening. And then I go and find myself an alcoholic. I have been in recovery from addiction myself for 15 years. While in addiction I had a pattern of relationships with other addicts and alcoholics, but I really did a lot of work on myself in recovery through the steps and therapy and I was making better choices with men for a while. At the time I met this man, in hindsight, I think I was still grieving the death of my youngest child's father who had died a ear and a half before. We hadn't been together for a long time but we were good friends and parented well together. As well as that my boys were growing up and leaving home and my mother was diagnosed with cancer just as we were meeting. I felt like my life, my world was falling apart, I was so vulnerable and he came along and was so charming, so persistent and I suppose I just needed somebody, and then got hooked in with attraction and need and guilt and a sense of owing him something because he had been there (kind of!) for me when I needed someone and I think there was a lot of love there on both sides too.

But things have gotten so bad so fast with his health. Sometimes I wonder if he drank harder with me because he knew I would do everything I could to keep him from the edge. I think he played on my fears of him dying, actually telling me he was going to drink himself to death, asking if I'd miss him, if I'd miss him as much as I missed my daughter's father. ErinGoBraugh he doesn't think he's an alcoholic either, he's a binge drinker, and when he is on it his lifestyle and his place is as you describe. And then, so far at least, he manages to sober up for a few weeks and get himself back to health and the bleach comes out and his house is spotless and he keeps busy, busy, busy until the demons catch up with him again.

It's now 5 days no contact. It's like a withdrawal from any other drug, maybe harder. The days are long. I'm keeping busy too and it feels like most of what I'm doing is just about holding off the grief that I know is going to wash over me at some point in the day, but I am letting the feelings come too. Then sometimes it lifts for a while. I'm hoping those periods will get longer. I have to drive past his house everytime I go out which doesn't help, he lives right beside me. At the same time there is no temptation to go back at the moment. It just got to the point where I couldn't see any way forward for us. I still love him, I still care and I pray for him everyday but I don't think there's anything else I can do. Thanks for reading.

dandylion

Sorch.....I believe that you will have to allow yourself to mourn....to grieve.....We have to do that before we can move forward.
Grief will have it's own way. You can't avoid it or "trick it".

I think grief is so frightening because we are afraid that it is like an endless black hole that will swallow us up.
BUT...that really doesn't happen!
You are in the very worst part, right now. Go ahead, each day, and let the feelings come.....sob, scream, let the tears flow......Just get it out.
You will notice, that, after a while, the painful feelings will become less intense and, shorter in duration.
This is natures way of allowing us to heal from the inevitable pain that we must bear from time to time.

dandylion

suncatcher

You are so right about them being good at making themselves the biggest part of your life..that is if you let them! I lived with my axbf and was enmeshed with him. For me, healing from all that enmeshment began when I moved an hour away from him and started a new life for myself. I am still in contact with him but on my terms now. I don't have to watch him pass out every night and feel that lonliness anymore. I am less lonely now living alone in my rented farm house an hour away enjoying the peace and quiet and beautiful scenery. That was a huge leap I made 2 years ago and it was hard at first but turned out to be the best thing I did for myself! Stay strong and keep taking care of you!

ErinGoBragh

This is what I did to get some perspective: I went to an A.A. meeting with TONS of recovery. I spoke with an older gentleman who had 50 years of sobriety; not only length of sobriety, but depth as well.

It allowed me to step back and realize I would never be able to rationalize what my husband chose to do with his life. However, it gave me a sense of peace.

I have grieved the loss of someone I loved. It hurt like he!! to let him go, but I had to love him enough to let him chose his course.

I wanted to save him, and I tried numerous times. But he didn't want it or need it. After all, he liked to drink, he had his issues, but he never believed he was an alcoholic.

I wish you peace.

NWGRITS

No Contact = No New Hurts. I started with one day and am now somewhere around 1,005. Ish. Not one single regret. Just depends on what works for you.