ajarlson

Wow, I contacted my bio dad on facebook a couple years ago, hadn't heard from him since I was 16. He was still with the same woman he married back then, they had a great family, 2 kids, a grandkid now. Was a bit like a poor hungry kid looking in the window of a rich person's house. He had responded he was sorry for not contacting me and was glad I was doing well and that it was not his fault it was my mother's. So, different feelings about that, I can well believe my mother never really told me the truth, and I do know that when I would visit him and his parents as a kid they were a very NORMAL family. No alcoholism or craziness. So I get why he kept his distance. On the other hand, once I turned 18 he could have contacted me apart from my mother, unless she was telling him lies about me. He just sent me a note that they're going to be in our area and he would like to visit. A part of me wants to see him, ask him questions, even just about mundane stuff like family health history, and if it's comfortable ask about why he stayed away. I was pretty much brainwashed against him, heard all my life how he left the country so he wouldn't have to pay child support and how he was selfish and didn't care about me. There's a big part of me that wants to put that record straight. But I am scared that I am just still looking for the "family" that I don't have and that this will just be one more disappointment. Any advice out there? Thanks...

seasaw

WHOA. This is a pretty big deal.

So, how old were you when your parents split? Did he leave? Yeah, I can buy that someone would want to get away from your mom... so why didn't he take you with him?

I know you went to your grandparents'. Why not with him? Who had custody?

My heart is kind of racing for you right now. Big hugs. I know you know this but you don't have to respond to him at all, or on any time line other than one you feel comfortable with.

ajarl, sorry, in re-reading your post i know that you - like me - only may know what your mom has fed you. :/

ajarlson

I was 3 (or under) when they split up. That was back in 67, he was in the AirForce and she moved back home so I guess at that time it made sense for her to have me - socially at least. He would visit Seattle and take me to his parents house for the weekend, he always sent me gifts and letters from all over the world. Problem was that my mother pretty much just dropped me off at my grandparents and also started traveling so I was getting pretty much the same treatment from her, letters and gifts and sporadic visits. But all my life i heard how he didn't want to pay child support so he left the country, and he didn't care about me... that kind of rhetoric - true or not - can make a kid start to not like that parent. So when he sent me a sweet 16 birthday card on my 17th birthday I immediately believed wholeheartedly everything they had ever said and never contacted him back, or ever again, and he did not contact me either. It has been 37 years since I saw him. He is still married to his second wife and it looks like they have a good and loving family. I am not expecting a "dad" but perhaps some sort of relationship would be nice?

1Dayatatyme

This sounds like a very emotionally laden situation... with a lot of trying to figure out what is true or not true.
I would just like for you to consider as you make this important decision on whether to see him or not: are you emotionally stable right now, is your life pretty well calm and drama free and do you have a good support system?

When most of my life is feeling good, I am more apt to take on emotionally challenging situations or conversations. If I am off kilter, I know myself well enough to not trigger more emotional pain in my life. But, this is only question to consider... there are others.
You may also want to journal the pros and cons of meeting your father f2f, and then the pros and cons of declining to meet in person at this time. It may just provide some clarity, and also will help you from having the same questions going around in your head over and over... which happens to me at times when I try to make decisions with an emotional component.

ajarlson

Thanks for the insight 1Dayatatyme, all good thoughts. Yes I am in a great place right now. Drama free (as free as normal life can be) and tossing out anything that jeopardizes that. I know his FOO was stable and from what I have seen he has been very stable since marrying the second wife. But yes, there are questions. How could you just not try to contact your kid, how could you just go on and live your life with your new family knowing you have another kid out there? So yes I have some soul searching to do...

seasaw

I am shaking my head at the amount of untangling and healing all that would take. I have never dealt with something like this myself but you know I'm here to support you and listen. One thing my gut is saying is to shore up your boundaries and support system.

Maybe do some letter writing in your journaling. Writing letters to him, so you can feel out where you are right now when it comes to him so there is less that can take you by surprise.

NWGRITS

Ugh. I'm not estranged from my father, but most of my contact with him still feels like this. Just got off the phone with him, actually, and I need an Ativan.

I don't really have any wise words, but I do have lots of empathy and hugs for you.

Kialua

Wow what journey you are starting. Unraveling the truth about it all will not be easy. But if your Dad remained in the military it doesn't matter if he left the country, the armed services are pretty good about their people fulfilling that duty. But if your mom never filed then so be it. Here is a link to read about how the military enforces child support payments, and there are many other sources as well.
http://www.robins.af.mil/shared/medi...090317-031.pdf

DoubleDragons

AJ, I think meetings like this go best when you enter them with zero expectations. I have recently been somewhat reunited with a couple of aunts that my parents had us essentially estranged from for many years, and it is bringing up all sorts of confusing emotions for me. This is nowhere near the emotional minefield you may be entering. As long as you do not pin any big hopes on this and nor does he, it may be okay. I would just tread carefully. BIG HUGS

thotful

I have a couple relationships that feel weird and difficult to un-entangle as well. I'm feeling confused - how did your mom stop him from responding to your facebook message to him?

I get similar stuff from people in my life. They LITERALLY disappear with non-responses to e-mail, to phone-calls, to facebook. They're "friends" on my fb, but don't like or comment on anything. Then they say to me things like "oh, I was planning on calling you" (4 or 5 different people in my FOO or friends of FOO have done that - what does that really mean? planning on doing something and ACTUALLY doing it are COMPLETELY different). So, the only way I can understand the behavior is to think about when I don't make contact. Behind that is usually FEAR. For me, that is. I'm afraid that I'll be judged, or how awkward the conversation will be, etc.

What has helped me with rekindling a relationship (not saying it's gotten anywhere yet!), is to think about trying to have patience. Or, to think about starting small, and really small. You can decide for yourself what you're comfortable with. In the case of 1 sibling, I decided that e-mail for now will do, and I told him that we could talk about movies and video games. For me, I'll just keep that going. I guess that's where it is now. I'm not interested in meeting in person (he has stated in the past he wants to do that where my wife is excluded - we haven't discussed the details of how often - like, ALL the time? in which case, it's definitely a no). In my opinion, if someone really wants you in their life, they'll be willing to e-mail, call, fb/social media, etc.

So, what works for you? Would meeting in person be a step larger than you're comfortable with? Has he e-mailed? Has he used FB/social media? has he called?

I would suggest that you talk to a counselor about it, or some REALLY trusted friend. Figuring out what you want, and what your boundaries are, is paramount here.

I guess I'm at a loss of ideas. I'm really confused about how to move forward with the 1 brother I mentioned. Just like you, I want to launch into everything and hash it all out. I'm still having trouble figuring out the "what next?" I absolutely do not want "under the rug" stuff - nope. But, at the same time, he has been non-communicative and I don't really know what his boundaries are. Just plain confusing. I guess I'm going to take it one step at a time. For me, it's starting with e-mail and only "surface" stuff like movies/videogames. If my brother wants to go further than that, I would definitely bring up the old issues (because they aren't old for me - they're still present - like, for example, how does my brother plan to address spending time with my soon-to-be-here daughter? exclude mom completely? exclude daughter? Only spend time with me? what?).

ajarlson

Thanks everyone for the kind and understanding words, it means SO much to have that here. My mother did not stop contact as far as I know, I stopped responding to his cards and letters when i was a teenager (a very long time ago). I'm assuming he thought I didn't want to be in touch with him and he didn't force it. He would have been right, as I was getting fed a lot of negativity about him. As I've gotten older I have seen that my mom just spews negative things about people that are just her opinions and not based in reality. It took me a LONG time to realize that though. I found him on Facebook a couple years ago and reached out, he reached back and we have had some limited contact on Facebook since. He seems sensitive to the fact that I have been hurt by all this and, while I still believe he bears some blame, he certainly does not bear it all. I do not know what arrangements were made for custody or if he fulfilled them or didn't. It might come up, it might not. I have no expectations, I went through a phase where I desperately wanted a father and turned to a priest who took advantage of me (emotionally) for years. I got through that and am in the strongest place I have ever been. My biggest questions for him are going to be about family health history, as I've gotten older it gets scarier when you don't know if there's cancer, or heart problems or whatever, in your family history. If things are going well and we want to dive in deeper then so be it but nothing will be forced. We're trying to set up a dinner for next week. I always enjoyed my time with him and his family as a child and I remember looking forward to the visits and then being confused when I heard the bad mouthing later. So I'm looking forward to clearing a little of the air at least.