freetosmile

They dropped the domestic assault to a simple assault and gave him time served.

The judge read everything that transpired that day out loud. AH said that was humiliating for him. The judge even asked how it was effecting his marriage. He told the judge it was turbulent.....

I feel ok about it, I guess. I am anxious about how him being off the hook will effect his behavior, but I'm not going to allow it to dominate my thoughts or cause me to tip toe around him.

.......addiction sucks.

biminiblue

I hope he continues to improve. I think you're very wise to keep your guard up.

Addiction does suck.

firebolt

I don't know how I feel about that judgement, choking someone seems much more serious than a simple assault.

Either way - keep that level head, and keep taking care of you!!!

amy55

Hi Niki,

I don't really know how you feel about that court thing. It seems that he got off easy, and quite frankly, no reason for him to continue any treatment. (What he might feel.

I know I told you about the DV charges that I had. My ex was arrested, had a $2000 bail, I was also arrested. I was arrested because I bit him as he was holding me down. Well anyway, long story short. After final court thing, where they dismissed everything, because he attended an abuser program for 26 weeks, he took me out to celebrate. I was just so glad it was all over. So we went out to eat, had a good time, went home, he started fighting with me again, then took off for over 2 weeks.

So, don't know what to say.

I guess I can say, since the case is closed, and he no longer worries about this, this is now the time to watch his actions. Is he still agreeable to therapy, or that abuse program?

((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy

LexieCat

I'm assuming the reduced charge was due to its being a first offense. That doesn't bother me as much as it does the "time served"--I'd be a lot more comfortable with probation hanging over his head with a bunch of conditions.

Did you talk to the prosecutor about what YOU wanted? The prosecutor should have consulted you...

Do NOT hesitate to call the police again if you need to. He's had his one chance, and any further acts should be viewed more seriously.

freetosmile

Amy,
Yes he is still showing signs of wanting to continue with treatment and counseling. I of course am tempted to document his every move. ... But that would be giving in to the codie in me. I'm just going to remain on guard I guess.

Lex,
Prosecutor never spoke to me. And no I will not hesitate to call police again. I'm hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.

It makes me sad to have to say I'm preparing for the worst... But we all know that it's how it goes with the alcoholic.

amy55

Niki,

I don't know that much about being on guard, it could be another way to word things, I think it is more like he needs to earn your trust.

I think your recovery is really showing. Always remember what a beautiful person that you are.

(((((((((hugs)))))))
amy

Duckygirl1

If documenting his moves is part of protecting yourself don't get hung up on the "Codie" thing. Your safety comes before any arbitrary psycho babble labels. There is no such thing as "simple" assault to the victim. At least if your attacked on the street you don't have to figure out how to live with the attacker. My x pushed me once. ONCE. And I put his nads in a police sling he did not soon forget. There is nothing simple about it and the label alone is indicative of how we don't take domestic abuse seriously enough. I'm glad he's trying to get better, but he should be on notice from the law that there is an expectation of behavior on his part and violating it will carry severe consequences. Time served without monitoring is an insulting to all victims of violence. Keep your head up beautiful! Speak softly and carry a big stick!

ajarlson

Agreed, I taped my ex when he was threatening me and that's all I needed to get a year's restraining order. It wasn't codie, it was planning and protecting. As long as that is the goal, and not controlling his behavior, then you do what you need to do. Good luck!

freetosmile

I agree that I need to remain "aware" in order to ensure the safety of myself and the kiddos....but I just don't want to be reading into a future that might not even exist. I hate going to life expecting and waiting for people to fail. Of course, with the A, it feels like it is only a matter of when NOT if....so it's hard to know what is the best choice.

As of now, he has given no reason or indication that the outcome of court has indeed given him full reign to return to old behaviors....and I feel like me worrying about things I cannot control is not the best way (?)

Ahhh...this is where I get confused! Should I be more involved or just intuitive from a distance? I don't know what is "my side of the street" and what is his.

biminiblue

Only you can decide how much interaction is good for you.

More will be revealed, of that much I am certain.

How's school?

freetosmile

Ya know, considering my husband went to treatment and then to jail and the fact that I just had a hysterectomy... not too bad! (thanks for asking! )

Honestly I COULD be doing better...but I'm cutting myself some slack for once. I have all B's and once C (in algebra, of course).

I'll tell you what, I'm off pain meds completely and the withdrawals from that sucked really really bad. For a whole week I was crabby, had sweats and chills, the whole nine. It was not pleasant. But I'm soooo glad to be off them for good. And so I am starting to feel physically better too, which makes a huge difference in my coping abilities.

dandylion

freetosmile....I think that as long as you are diligently working your own program...you will not have as much "head space" to wonder about a possibly dropping shoe.
I am talking about staying close to your dv counselor and the dv support group....and, also continuing to develop your own life that is separate and distinct from him.

I think this is something all us women have to do---have our own circle of friends and our own interests and enjoyable activities that belong just to us.
We all need our soft place to fall that is not only confined to one relationship.

I am so pleased to see you leveling out after so many trials and tribulations of the last several months.
The door is now open for you to have a great life. The best is yet to come....

Keep believing in yourself.

dandylion

LexieCat

I vote for "intuitive from a distance." I gotta say, I'm very disappointed in the lack of help you got there. I met someone from your home state a couple of weeks ago at the Conference on Crimes Against Women, and I asked for her card. If I recall correctly, she's a superior officer with the State Patrol (card is somewhere in my briefcase). Sounds to me like they could use some serious training out there. It's inexcusable that no one even talked to you.

Just for the benefit of people who don't know, "simple" assault doesn't imply that it's "simple"--it just means it lacks an element that makes it an "aggravated" assault (or in this case, a "domestic assault." Some places there are additional penalties for domestic assault (and some places, like my home state, it doesn't make any difference whether it's domestic in terms of the charge, though there is an additional modest monetary penalty when it's domestic-related). Personally, if I were the prosecutor in your case I would have charged it as "attempted strangulation," and he would have gotten at least three years of probation and all kinds of conditions. From what I know of the facts in your case I MIGHT have been talked into something less, but the probation with supervision, reporting, and conditions would have been a MUST.

freetosmile

I totally agree with you Lex. Probation at least, would have been nice. And yes, we need reform- I can atest to that simply from my experience.