MidnightBlue

Hi, my SR friends.

Yes, I think I will need your support, probably, more than ever. Sorry it turned out to be a long rant, but I need to vent out.

Right now I am scared. I am very scared. Scared to the point of being paralyzed, crying, and having panic attacks and suicidal thoughts back again.
As usual, I was sure I will cope with this situation. That somehow I will work it out. No way I won’t find a way to sort this mess out.

But at some point I’ve lost it.

I remember when my drinking came to the same point, I found this place. And I came here, and shared my fears , and got out of my head, and felt better after that. And found power to deal with it. And now I am almost 2 years and a half sober.

Now my financial situation got out of my control. Now I’ve reached the point that I won’t be able to make a payment for my loan that is due 10 days.

I already startle every time my phone rings.

I know I hold responsibility for my situation. But I am so alone in this. And I so need it get off my chest. Because, just as it was with my drinking, no one can even guess what kind of trouble I am in, and how bad my situation really is.
Please, don’t take me wrong - I am not whining, :"Ole Poor Me". I know I am a grown up person and take responsibility for my actions. I know I probably made every possible mistakes with capital "M" in finances. And I've been a fool with capital "F" in finances. I know.

I just so need your support, and encouragement, and kind words.

I am so freaking out about this. I am so scared that at some point collectors will start calling me, and so on. And all the horrible scenarios are played by my imagination: how I will lose my new apartment, and so on. And then all the darkest thoughts come back to me again. I am living in the fear again. And I am so tired of living in fear. Been there all my life.

And I am so ashamed of the situation I found myself in. I mean if anyone asks me “You are a grown up, relatively healthy person. Why are you whining about having no money?”. I don’t even know where to begin and how to explain. Everyone sees me as strong and capable. And still here I am.

If to make a long story short, the big downfall began about a year ago, when major depression finally took toll of me.

By that moment I had a loan and used credit cards now and then. I work as a freelancer and had income, not big but enough to support myself. I had a long history of psycological and emotional issues to sort through, and it drained me out at some point. Long story, some of the members here know about this.

After wrapping up some nasty family matters and going through tough therapy sessions my mind gave up. I had no wish to live any more. I slipped into suicidal condition and could spend days just staying in bed, crying, watching the ceiling.

At about that time one of my major clients had a big re-shake at their company, and they cut their outsourcing expenses. So I lost it. At that stage of depression I lost some of my other clients, and didn’t care to find others. I felt like “I don’t care. Leave me alone. I don’t want to live”. Anything but to avoid emotional discomfort, communicating with people.

And I started really “abusing” my credit cards.

I finally forced myself to seek help, and got it. Antidepressants helped, but it took long to get back to any kind of functioning.

And, it surely never rains but pours.

My health started failing me. I had some old issues, and new ones followed. I have no medical insurance, so I had to pay out of my pocket.

But I kept my cool: “Ok, once I am done with this issue I will find the job. I will surely do”. Luckily depression treatment helped, and now I felt ok with daily interactions with people, and having a regular full-time job.

I started searching for day jobs, and was ready to get anything. Just anything to keep me going till I straighten the situation out.

In January I considered to take a job as a sales person in a company that sells all kinds of electronic gadgets. It's quite a big company here. I passed an initial interview and joined the training for a position. Training required almost every day attendance and was about 3 weeks.

And just a little note - all my life being in sales would be the worst nightmare for me. OK, I decided it will also give me a chance to overcome some of my fears and open up some new about myself. And I really liked that training. And was doing good...But after a week of the training the trainer approached me and said: "You are doing good, but you are overqualified for this position. You won't fit. Thank you for your time, you can leave now".

I was both disappointed and angry. But, ok, I will keep searching. And almost next day I got a bad flu which got me stuck at home. And since then I’ve been in and out of one sickness into another. Weeks turned into months slipping through my fingers.

And finally 2 weeks ago I “managed” to end up with a chicken pox. I was at the doc yesterday, and hoped she will tell me I am good to go. But my bloodwork came with very low hemoglobine level, and she told me that currently my immunity system is undermined, and I need to be very careful not to catch some other virus. And I need to “stay away from stresses, lots of sleep, and good nutrition”. Really???

I couldn’t tell her that I need a job ASAP, and that I can’t sleep at night because I have no idea where to get money for the next payment of a loan and credit cards. And that I can buy food only using credit cards which are currently almost maxed out.

I never talked about this because for some stupid reason it felt like if I really and completely admit it, that I will let it “too close” to me and it will “swallow me”. Just realizing how bad things are will drown me in panic. And I will be officially “labelled” as a failure.

I did my best to “hold up”, believing that if I let this fear to drag me down, I will lose. Being afraid that once I let this “genie out of the bottle”, this “genie” will be hanging over me like a dark mushroom cloud caused by nuclear explosion , and blocking any “sunshine” and perspective. Like, “I can’t smile, and laugh, and be happy for a moment, when I know, and other people know that I have a huge debt and no job”.

Probably, I was wrong.

I am not eligible for any financial aid, since, again, all my pain and “incapability” is inside, not something that can be measured or qualified.
And what is even worse about all this, I feel like I don’t deserve any compassion or support. Like I do deserve and that’s happening to me, and , for some reason, it serves me right. I am beating myself up constantly, which doesn’t help at all.

I feel like a fake again. Like I am “faking” all my problems because there is no logical reason for me to have them.

So, now I don’t even know where to start clearing out this mess. I know that many of you will have a sound financial advise for me, but I live in kind of almost “third world” country recently hit by major finanical crisis, and where laws and welfare system operate in quite a different way .

It feels like everything is starting falling apart again and at once - my tooth needing immediate assistance and giving me lots of pain again, my health becoming fragile, my emotional health still not so strong and exposed to major stress again, my world once having glimpse of becoming a good place shutting down into darkness again…

I realize how pathetic it sounds. I feel sick even writing this. I am sorry.
While sick and stuck at home I’ve been applying for as many jobs as I could but haven’t landed an interview by far. And , again, still waiting to get well to go for an interivew when I get one.

About 3 weeks ago I joined Debtors Anonymous via Skype. Can’t say I feel much better after joining it, but I’ve decided not to give up, and work the steps.

Joining DA was really challenging for me, because I am an atheist. Conventional religion just makes no sense to me. I've started working the first step, and it's really challenging and hard for me to find my Higher Power - the one that would really resonate with me, that would be appealing. Not just repeating it mindlessly, but feel. I know that important changes happen to me when I feel this emotional connection to something. I don't feel about HP yet.

Wrapping up my big rant - You know, I think fear and pain turned out to be the most expensive things for me - for a long time I’ve been using money to “buy” me some “emotional space” to distance myself from huge emotional discomfort and pain I felt when I needed to stand my ground, if it makes sense. To buy myself some space to keep others away from my emotional wounds. And here I am - completely broke.

And, if you don’t mind, I will stick around here for a while. I always feel better when come here and share what’s on my mind.

Thank you so much for letting me get this off my chest. And thanks for listening.

MB.

doggonecarl

Sorry, I have no advice. Just this...a big cyber hug!

(((MidnightBlue)))

Fandy

You sound rather isolated and I take it that you live alone?
Do you have family that can help you financially?
it sounds like really strict measures need to be in place so you can begin to meet your financial obligations. Moving in with family will cut the rent.
You need to have some income although I really appreciate that you have been struck with repeat illness.
although it is difficult, you might do better to call your creditors and tell them that you have no job or income and arrange to have the loans deferred if possible or consolidate them? I don't know how things work where you live, but here, you can do a settlement if needed but it also can be detrimental to your credit standing.

I don't have much other practical advice other than moving to an area where you can find work in your field and asking your family for help. i am sorry this is causing you major stress and upset, good to brainstorm here, maybe others have good ideas?

GracieLou

I am so sorry you have found yourself in such a bad position.

I was in bad debt with payday loans several years ago. I went to a message board that helped me a great deal and I got a lot of information. The debt anonymous sounds like a good place to start.

I don’t have a lot of advice. I know financial troubles take a huge toll on the mind and the body.

I can’t remember the name of the website/message board I used to go to, the name escapes me right now but if I remember or I can find it I will send you a PM.

Gonnachange

As others have already suggested I believe you have more options than you realize. In the end your creditors want their money and will likely be willing to work with you to attain that outcome via a revised repayment schedule. I wish you well.

AddictGuy

About fear, I have my favorite sayings, seeing how I have some experience with, oh, say, terror.

I can't say who introduced this to me but here it is: a three step thing

1. what is the worst that can happen
2. what is the likelihood of it happening
3. how can I calmly go about making it better

I love that for fear. It is my number one thing for it . . . but some other stuff

this other self-help guy was saying . . . to kinda begin to start to get a handle on things . . his advice

Determine what your three biggest problems are

forget the rest of your problems

I love that one too.

And then really, can family help?

and really that thing you said about getting emotion space. too keep others away from your emotional wounds. . . . i never saw it articulated that way. I see exactly that in some others I care about and am hurting for and trying to help, but I never had words for it. Now I do. Immediately relevant for me. Just a cool thing you said, is all. You gave something back there, believe it or not.

You will find the bottom, and you will rise from there.

Verte

Hi MB,

Hugs to you. If I were in your shoes at this moment I would call 2-1-1 and talk with someone who can help ground your thoughts and brainstorm resources for/with you. Or call your therapist or an on-call practitioner for mental/emotional support. Do not remain isolated. This means you must reach out in real life and be willing to ask for help through this crisis (Your Physician, therapist, ER). You are the most important part of this entire situation.

Glad that you reached out here.

mecanix

Midnight more people have financial problems that you are probably aware of .

In the UK there are debt councillor sessions run by the citizens advice bureau .

here in the UK there are a whole gamut of things to do from negotiating 0% interest rate and paying a regular amount to each proportionate to the debt you owe .

Getting a county court judgement so balifs can't take things as long as you make reasonable payments from what you have, once you present your reasonable payment plan to a judge .

To full on bankruptcy , costs about £250 and often you get to keep your home as long as the equity isn't huge, car and the normal things of life, they are just interested if you have a picasso on the wall or a rolex watch collection

Obviously these are for the UK but i can't imagine a country like the one you live in can't have reasonable rules for when we make mistakes, lot's of us do .

One thing i know is that ignoring it, isolation and procrastination don't work … it's better to deal with it up front, get educated quick and take action .

Your very brave to have taken the first step in dealing with this issue ,

regards , m

kzaug2014

You've been through the wringer.

When my hubby almost died in 2002, we lost our home to foreclosure ( he needed physical rehab for over a yr. & we couldn't pay our mortgage. )

We had over 150,000 in debt, so we filed for bankruptcy, w/a plan to rebuild our credit so we could eventually buy another home.

2yrs. after this, we both became disabled ( lucky in love, but not so much in the health department. ) At this point, we knew we were never going to be able to purchase another home of our dreams. So we changed our dreams & learned to live under the means we had always been used to.

Do you have bankruptcy in your part of the world? Because I have to tell you, a huge overbearing load was lifted off from me when we filed for bankruptcy!

You seem to have a great ability to adjust to each obstacle. A lot of people would have cracked far sooner than you did!

P.S. I also know what it feels like to be suicidal. I attempted it when I was 18 & nearly succeeded. Today, I am so glad that I didn't succeed! Iow, you will find happiness some day!

Hugs!

Aellyce

I'm very sorry to hear about your current problems, MB. I have no useful advice or wisdom to share as I've never dealt with a similar situation, but I wanted to offer support

I agree with kzaug's observation above about your clearly having an ability to tackle different kinds of obstacles as they come your way. I am very certain that you will pull through this current one as well, and find a workable solution.

I also second Verte's suggestion about seeking some real life emotional support for you -- these things really make a difference even when dealing with so-called "cold" and practical difficulties.

Other than these, my intuitive suggestion would be to break down the problem(s) you are facing to smaller bits, maybe write these down in a list, and then try to identify priorities. That being said, probably it's best if you can focus on the most immediate components of this dept, things that need to be paid and taken care of urgently. I would try to focus on finding some resources to pay these off, to gain some short term security. And then having more time, if possible, deal with the big picture. If you are able to do this, it may take some of the burden and overwhelm off your shoulder and you could perhaps focus on longer term solutions with a calmer frame of mind. I know nothing about bankruptcy and things like that but there is good advice in here perhaps. My experience dealing with practical difficulties, again, is that it's usually best to break them down, and then build a strategy taking into account priorities and possible solutions for each part, to keep your head above the water. Once these things are on the mend, you can perhaps think about the bigger picture: what led to this situation and how to do things differently in the longer term future.

And yeah I'm also very familiar with suicidal ideations... I remember that thread of yours and I got a lot out of it for myself. It's great that you reach out here during these adversaries, MB. Keep doing so and let us know how things unfold.

AddictGuy

that's rockin'

MidnightBlue

Thanks, friends.

Your support really means a lot.

I am trying to breakdown the problem into smaller ones, and start with tackling some that at least in some kind of my control.

I have no family at all. Well, technically, of all the relatives alive and that I am aware of , I have my older brother. But, that's exactly the person responsible for most of my emotional wounds, and after finally splitting our joint really estate with him about a year ago (going through this turmoil triggered my major depression in the first place) I even changed my phone number, e-mail, etc. to eliminate him completely out of my life.

Lots of things going on in my head now.

But I am glad I've reached for support here.

HeadLump

(((((Midnight))))) ♥♥♥

Carlotta

I am not sure where you are located but in some places, there are non profits which will help you re negotiate and consolidate your debts and who can even help you negotiate payment plans. It might be worth using Google and seeing if there is one in your area.

Soberwolf

(((Midnight))) is there any way you could make a plan to pay smaller regular payments or is there debt management advice help where you are

i can really relate

ReadyAtLast

I'm sorry you are in this position MB but well done on not drinking over it. I have been in a similar situation and did the following:

1. Sit down & make a list of all outgoings and income.
2. List priority debts first - rent/mortgage, taxes, secured creditors these must be paid first.
3. Utility bills next - spread these out if possible monthly with reduced payments for a short period if possible
4. Next look at your loan,credit cards, unsecured creditors etc. I cannot stress enough the importance of speaking with your creditors now rather than wait. Speak with them, explain your situation and make an offer of a manageable payment to be re-assessed in x months. Even if they say no make the payments anyway. Any payment is better than nothing and shows you are not hiding away.
5. Look at ways you can cut spending and cancel anything you can - sky tv, expensive mobile contracts, gym membership etc,
6. Look at ways of increasing income.

Most creditors (reputable ones) will not send collectors round after 1 missed payment. They may call and will write but most will assist you and appreciate you making any payment until your situation improves.

Please don't drink - that won't help. My thoughts are with you my friend

Jeni26

Oh my dear friend, I'm so sorry. I have no real practical advice as I know the laws will be different in your part of the world...but I would advise you to be honest with those people you owe money to. When my H was made redundant some years ago, we started defaulting on the mortgage and ran into trouble with credit companies. We had to come clean and they were surprisingly helpful, reducing and suspending our payments. He took a series of low paid jobs just to hold our head above water. It was a very stressful time for us but we got through it.

Can you make an appointment with a debt advisor at your bank and talk through your options? They will have seen this situation many times before.

Please contact me if you ever want a friend to talk or chat to. You gave been such a great help and support to me in the past.

Lots of love to you ❤️

Jen x

AddictGuy

What he said.

There is nothing.. . . nothing for fear like facing it and taking action.

Churchill said trouble run from is twice as big. Trouble faced is half as big.

and he knew something about trouble.

ccam1973

Midnight, first and foremost, we are here for you... you are not alone. Read a post you wrote back in October on our Class of July 2014 thread:


Hi, Juliers!

I am back from vacations!

I feel greeeeeat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am still binge free, sugar free, flour free, junk food free!!!

And I feel more confident in it than ever!

You've got it in you to get back to that point Midnight!

I've had my fair share of money problems and set backs. I lost a well paying job back in the summer of 2012 and have had to claw my way back. I didn't know where or how I would support my family, but I knew everything would be alright as long as I had my family.

Prior to that, I got over my head in real estate investments which left me with $100,000 in credit card debt, $20,000 in medical collections, and approximately $250,000 in loans that I couldn't pay back; that doesn't include the house I owe $360,000 on and it's worth around $200,000 now.

Over time, those credit card and loan balances have turned into Judgments. I'll have to settle with the creditors at some point, but right now I'm doing just fine paying for my daily necessities. They can't take what I don't have and life is too precious and short to stress about this if I can help it.

We can't look back at how we got into the situation we find ourselves in today. That is only counter productive. We have to keep moving forward and bettering ourselves each and every day from the previous.

I'm not going to give you a lot of financial advise here. Outside of the point that it is not the end of the world, by any means. Check into bankruptcy or a debt consolidation service; sometimes these options work. Worst case scenario is you can't pay your obligations but you can pay for rent and food. Make sure you are paying these first and EVERYTHING else second.

JUST MY OPINION, food for thought based on what I went through... by no means an example of what to do.

You will get harassing phone calls from the creditors, get ready for them and that's part of their job... they want their money and that's understandable. You don't have to answer the phone.

For me, I just don't answer my home phone and changed my cell phone number; don't give a new number to anyone unless you trust in them completely. Eventually the creditors will get a judgement against you unless you work out a payment plan with them. Not the end of the world... Just remember, they can't take from you what you don't have.

Make sure you are paying your necessities first and anything left over, set aside for rent and food for next month. You can use pre-paid debit cards for any payments you need to make online; the one I have from Walmart costs me $3 per month and you can load funds on it as many times as you want without a charge.

Your creditors will work with you eventually; if they don't then they won't get paid. If you haven't already, create a budget. You might need to show them your budget and that you can't afford anything but rent and food right now. The budget will also help you understand exactly what you have left over each month; or show you what you will need each month for your basic necessities.

I'm so sorry you are in this tough situation. It is VERY stressful but please remember not being able to pay your bills is not the end of the world. You are not alone.

You will get back on your feet, but for now make sure you are only paying for your basic daily needs. It's not going to do you or the people you owe money to any good if you don't have a roof over your head or food to eat.

Stay strong Midnightblue. We are in your corner.

MidnightBlue

Thanks again, friends.

It feel much better not to be alone in this.