Where to start? My story.

Old 04-02-2015, 06:06 AM
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Where to start? My story.

My ABF was a heroin addict until 13 years ago, then he went into a methadone program. We met three years ago, where he commuted by train to spend weekends with me at my house. He has stayed clean and is now 13 (maybe 14) months free of methadone. It worked for him. He moved in with me two years ago.
What he hasnt learned is how to deal with his triggers. One of them being his brother, another former addict, now scamming the welfare system and anyone else he can scam, including me, including my ABF. His brother showed up on our doorstep last beginning of June having decided he didnt want to live in Florida anymore, and asked if he could stay with us. He gave me some sob story about his girlfriend kicking him out yada yada. Of course, stay with us until you find a place to live.
My ABF started going to work drunk in the morning, leaving at lunch time to come home and hang out with his brother all day.
ABF quit/lost his job at the end of June. Suddenly, my garage became their hangout. I would come home from work to find him and his brother drunk as skunks in the garage with the music blaring.
His brother found a small cottage not far from us and moved out in September.
ABF had several very minor motorcycle accidents where he knew he was doing wrong but couldnt stop. October this past year, I opened my iPad and found he forgot to log out of google -- and his emails were opened, as well as messages to and from several women. I called him at his brother's and said, "You need to come home. We need to talk". On the way home, he had another accident that culminated in a minor concussion that required a neurosurgeon's care. We talked, we moved through the extra curricula activities. He was so upset with himself that he smashed his cellphone. He said it was all part of his addiction. He vowed never to drink and drive drunk again. He got another job, had to be at work at 4AM, we both got up at 3AM so I could drive him to work. I had no problem with this at all - Im an early riser anyway and would go straight to the gym after dropping him off.
He starts drinking heavy anytime he is with his brother, except, his brother can stop, he cant. He starts taking drinks before work. Arrives at work drunk even when I suggest that he call in sick. There's no arguing with a drunk.
He gets into a "discussion" with a co-worker where he tells the guy they should go out in the parking lot and settle it like "men". He gets fired for making it an unsafe work environment.
He knows he needs help but its always, next month Im going to have to go away for a week to detox from the alcohol, but next month never comes. Ive offered to support him in this in any way necessary but he has to tell me when he is ready. I have a feeling "next month" will never come.
Ive been reading "Getting them sober" to learn how to "deal" with his behaviors and "In the realm of hungry ghosts" to learn how to deal with my codependent behaviors. Its really hard for me to ignore how much he drinks when he goes on a binge. He isnt abusive to me in any way,shape or form. He just gets really talkative and lovey dovey. On his somewhat sober days (maybe 3 out of 7 days a week where he only needs 3 drinks during the day) our sex life is good (methadone and alcohol both wreak havoc on men both psychologically and physically but everything is in good working order nowadays). On his sober days, you can definitely tell he is in withdrawal -the stomach problems, the twitchy muscles...

Anyways. Here I am. I have the phone number for a company called Elite Recovery that says for no charge, they can help him find a detox/rehab place. He thinks he only needs 5-7 days to detox under medical care, but then he says, he doesnt want to quit altogether (haha, how many have heard THAT story!).
We are both over 50, I lost my first husband 20 yrs ago to a brain aneurysm while living overseas. I came back to the states 15 yrs ago to find my aging parents needed help, so I moved near to them and was their caregiver until they died, 4 and 5 yrs ago. I thought I was ready for a relationship but I guess I wasnt as here I am feeling like Im in caregiver role again.

Thanks for listening to me. I try to wake up with a smile on my face, go to the gym and find something to look forwards to every day, but its just wearing me down.
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Old 04-02-2015, 06:22 AM
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Sounds like you know what you need to do.
That caregiver role can become a permanent fixture unless you change yourself.

I believe you should do what is in your own best interest here--
Maybe go NC and tell him you will talk to him after 6 mo-year of real sobriety
and mean it.

Whatever you choose, we will support you, however.
It sounds like you are done with this right now.
I get that as I am still depleted from caregiving my own alcoholic mother for many years.
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Old 04-02-2015, 06:40 AM
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Wow- it does sound like he has a long way to go. What really bothers me is that he is saying he doesn't want to quit drinking. If he doesn't want to- he won't- period. It sounds like he is saying he knows he has a problem or might want to quit just to keep you on the hook.

What do you want? Do you want to stay with him long term if he won't stop drinking? What if he won't keep a job? If you can't or won't put up with those things (a lot of us won't anymore) then you may want to seek outside help for yourself and start setting boundaries with him.

Good luck- I will be sending hope your way.
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Old 04-02-2015, 07:17 AM
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Ive been trying to figure out exactly what *I* want.

There is an Al-Anon meeting that meets at 7:15PM on Tuesday nights less than 3 miles from me. Im not sure I can woman-up and go there. And what would the implications be if I did say I was going there.

It's funny. He just posted two pictures on Facebook:
The first says: It's not who you want to spend your life with, it's who you don't want to spend your life without
The second: Don't let the fear of what could happen make nothing happen.

He knows he is substituting the methadone with alcohol now. He didnt move here drinking this heavily.
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Old 04-02-2015, 07:42 AM
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The implication would be that you are worthy of support and understanding. Al-Anon isn't about the A, it's about you. You deserve to not be alone as you work through this. SR is awesome, but nothing replaces real life understanding and support.
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Old 04-02-2015, 07:45 AM
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Living with an alcoholic is no picnic either. . .
The disease is progressive and he won't magically "get better" if he thinks
he can manage his drinking.

I'd say those FaceBook posts are a pretty obvious manipulation to reel you back
in for another round.

Women-up and get to that Alanon meeting.
You can only control yourself and your own recovery angelor
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Old 04-02-2015, 07:47 AM
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Welcome, Angelor -- I'm glad you're here, and sorry you need to be.

I think figuring out what you want is a good place to focus your attention. And I smiled when I read this because it was so familiar to me:

There is an Al-Anon meeting that meets at 7:15PM on Tuesday nights less than 3 miles from me. Im not sure I can woman-up and go there. And what would the implications be if I did say I was going there.
When I was considering going to Al-Anon, it scared the crap out of me. In retrospect, I can see that my thinking was something like this: "If I actually walk through the doors into that meeting, I will have admitted that my husband is an alcoholic. And if I do that, I can't un-admit it. It becomes reality. And if it becomes reality, then I have no excuse for not doing anything about it. Maybe it's safer to stay in this world where I haven't yet admitted that he is an alcoholic, which means I can keep lying to myself and telling myself that everything is just fine, thank you very much."

You do sound confused as to what to do, which is to be expected. Al-Anon helped me find a place of peace and quiet in my brain where I could start hearing my own thoughts. It provided me with a place that felt almost like a parenthesis in my life -- a place where I mattered, and where I was allowed and encouraged to focus on me.

When I read your post, it's almost entirely about him. And that's what my life was like when I was married to an A, too. Everything was about him, his drinking, his behaviors, and trying to run around with a catcher's mitt to handle all the curveballs he threw. His alcoholism kept me so busy that my brain didn't have the fuel or energy to think about what I wanted out of life -- it was all about putting out the fires his alcoholism set.

You also sound like a caretaker-by-birth-or-rearing. Just like me. I was taught early on to serve others -- which isn't a bad thing in itself. But when you get yoked together with someone who's an addict, the attitude of servanthood and support and putting others' needs ahead of your own can be your undoing. Because addicts are emotional vampires who leave nothing for you.

The first quote your husband posted on FB hit me in the stomach like a ton of bricks. I thought, "I would never want to be the person that someone doesn't want to live without." I want to be a positive choice, not a necessity. I want to be an enrichment to somebody else's life, not a life preserver.

Again -- I'm glad you're here. You're surrounded by people who get it. And I recommend Al-Anon. The in-person, real life support was life-saving for me.
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Old 04-02-2015, 09:16 AM
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Ive been trying to figure out exactly what *I* want.
YES!

Alanon can help you figure that out. What are YOU good at? What makes YOU happy?

Addicts just suck up all the attention of those around them, and the people closest to them can really lose their souls to this disease. I hope you STOP care taking / enabling for him. He can't drive because HE messed up. HE needs to figure out his own rides, and ways to pay the consequenses of his drinking on his own. You are making it easy for him, so there is no reason to get better.

My heart goes out to you - keep going to the gym, please go to Alanon (it doesn't matter what he thinks about that) and please take care of YOU first! (((HUGS)))
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Old 04-02-2015, 10:41 AM
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I personal think that the book “Getting Them Sober” is great for understanding the devastating affects alcoholism has on the family and loved ones. But as for “getting them sober” the title alone is extremely misleading, they have to want to get sober deep down intheir bones – want it.

And he's already told you his plan, detox for 5-7 days then continue to drink.........pleae beleive him!!!

You have the phone number to call for help for him, what's he got besides someone paying all his bills, providing a roof over his head, food, clean clothes and the ability to plah on facebook all day - OH AND..............his own recovery plan which includes to drink after a 5-7 day detox.

Al-anon is where you need to find a welcoming seat. Maybe do some research on the difference between "caretaker" and "enabler".

((hugs))
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Old 04-02-2015, 09:11 PM
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Welcome. I am sorry you are going through all this. Al Anon is a great place to go to for support. n.There's nothing you can do for him but you can do things for yourself, starting with taking care of yourself.
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