Need some support and advice
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 9
Need some support and advice
It's been a long year and a half for me and my husband. We have been married 4 and a half years. He has always had addictive tendencies but he descended very deeply into darkness about a year and a half ago. He (says) he has been alcohol free for 8 months though there are times I doubt it, but he certainly has still smoked pot and taken pills. He has always struggled holding jobs, while I have supported us. He's exhibited more and more pronounced mood swings the past year, and although he's never been physically abusive he has had quite the knack at verbal abuse at times. One minute I'm his rock, his everything...the next I'm an evil person and horrible wife. The details are unnecessary here, I'm sure you've all heard it. It might be substance, it might be a mood disorder, but I detached like all the advice said. I happened to get an amazing new job, made great friends on top of the good support system I already had here, and that just pissed him off more. I wasn't home enough, not supportive enough, etc. Frankly I just put my guards up. We worked on our marriage, went to therapy, but he would have serious episodes of anger, paranoia, even threatened to hurt himself. I was at my wits end so I tried to contact his family in Florida to help me (we're in VA). They were at a loss as to what to do either. I proposed an extended vacation for him and his parents refused to take him in. He accused me of trying to dump him off. Then he got suspended from his job, and he realized something might need to change. So, we had already arranged a trip to FL together for vacation. We decided he would stay longer than me for a time with a friend of his (maybe 1 to 2 months). We had a great vacation. I had my old husband back for a few days. I don't know if it was being around family, or out of our home, but he was so NORMAL again. It made me so sad about everything. We split our bank account up while down there, as the mostly unspoken reality is that he might just not come home...and I have such mixed emotions about it. We still talk every day, but the first week home I've felt mostly relaxed and relieved. And guilty for feeling so. But of course I miss him, and it's becoming lonely.
I guess I just needed to vent...but my question also is, have any of you done a trial separation with your husband? Our thought right now is that we'll re-evaluate after 2 months and see how we feel. I know I still love him, I just don't know how much I'm still in love at this point. Any advice is greatly appreciated, thank you for listening.
I guess I just needed to vent...but my question also is, have any of you done a trial separation with your husband? Our thought right now is that we'll re-evaluate after 2 months and see how we feel. I know I still love him, I just don't know how much I'm still in love at this point. Any advice is greatly appreciated, thank you for listening.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Hey there friend,
Haven't done a trial. Just got dumped. But about your H, has he seen a threapist/MD on his own about his behavior not couples therapy? Does he admitt that he is an addict and out of control. I noticed that you soften his condition to "has addictive tendencies". No dear, he doesn't have tendencies. He has a well entrenched habit. He is an addict. While there may be other issues, booze and pills will only make them worse. Any reconnecting after a separation, no matter how long, will be for nought if he doesn't get help. Addiction is progressive and ever worsening without intervention. This slide he has taken will be deeper. Will he go to rehab? Meetings? He is currently lacking sufficient power, plan and support (I never say powerless) to fight this addiction and resents and is jealous of your ability to function. Don't take it personally. No matter what he says, addicts don't hate anyone as much as they hate themselves. That's why they spend so much energy tearing down the people who care about them.
Don't feel guilty about having peace. You deserve it. That doesn't mean you don't love him. It means you're exhausted. Splitting bank accounts is a serious step. Sometimes we know what we want and what we have to do, but we hesitate because of what might be if he gets better. But we have work with and work from a place of what IS. What do you want YOUR life to look like? What kind of partner do YOU want in life? Is it consistently fulfilling or spurts of "normality"? While he's gone, really take time to flesh out what you want. (((Hugs)))
Haven't done a trial. Just got dumped. But about your H, has he seen a threapist/MD on his own about his behavior not couples therapy? Does he admitt that he is an addict and out of control. I noticed that you soften his condition to "has addictive tendencies". No dear, he doesn't have tendencies. He has a well entrenched habit. He is an addict. While there may be other issues, booze and pills will only make them worse. Any reconnecting after a separation, no matter how long, will be for nought if he doesn't get help. Addiction is progressive and ever worsening without intervention. This slide he has taken will be deeper. Will he go to rehab? Meetings? He is currently lacking sufficient power, plan and support (I never say powerless) to fight this addiction and resents and is jealous of your ability to function. Don't take it personally. No matter what he says, addicts don't hate anyone as much as they hate themselves. That's why they spend so much energy tearing down the people who care about them.
Don't feel guilty about having peace. You deserve it. That doesn't mean you don't love him. It means you're exhausted. Splitting bank accounts is a serious step. Sometimes we know what we want and what we have to do, but we hesitate because of what might be if he gets better. But we have work with and work from a place of what IS. What do you want YOUR life to look like? What kind of partner do YOU want in life? Is it consistently fulfilling or spurts of "normality"? While he's gone, really take time to flesh out what you want. (((Hugs)))
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Hi & welcome to SR. It's good to have you here.
Never did a trial separation. Here's what I know about addiction and mental illness, though: Changing your surroundings alone does not cure what ails you. All it does is remove the daily friction.
One thing I learned in recovery was that I was very quick to judge my own emotions -- a feeling had barely popped up and been identified before I decided whether it was "appropriate" or not. My message to you is: Feelings are not facts. But they are messengers. If you are feeling relief at not having to deal with your husband on a daily basis, you could choose to ask yourself "Why is that? What is different?" and the same way, when you're feeling lonely, you could choose to ask yourself, "Am I missing him, or am I missing the person I wish he could be?"
For me, it would be hard to put a hard and fast time limit on a trial separation. I think for an addict, it's a bit like for a fat girl like me going on a crash diet: If I know I only have to keep it up for 11 days or a month, I can white knuckle it knowing that there's an end to it and I can go back to my old ways at a specific date.
I think I might instead suggest that a separation last until you feel confident that he has gotten help for whatever ails him -- whether it's addiction or mental illness -- and can show at least a year (if not more) of solid recovery.
Never did a trial separation. Here's what I know about addiction and mental illness, though: Changing your surroundings alone does not cure what ails you. All it does is remove the daily friction.
One thing I learned in recovery was that I was very quick to judge my own emotions -- a feeling had barely popped up and been identified before I decided whether it was "appropriate" or not. My message to you is: Feelings are not facts. But they are messengers. If you are feeling relief at not having to deal with your husband on a daily basis, you could choose to ask yourself "Why is that? What is different?" and the same way, when you're feeling lonely, you could choose to ask yourself, "Am I missing him, or am I missing the person I wish he could be?"
For me, it would be hard to put a hard and fast time limit on a trial separation. I think for an addict, it's a bit like for a fat girl like me going on a crash diet: If I know I only have to keep it up for 11 days or a month, I can white knuckle it knowing that there's an end to it and I can go back to my old ways at a specific date.
I think I might instead suggest that a separation last until you feel confident that he has gotten help for whatever ails him -- whether it's addiction or mental illness -- and can show at least a year (if not more) of solid recovery.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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ENJOY YOUR PEACE! You've set up a great life for yourself despite living under extreme conditions. It's ok to let the cards fall where they may with your marriage. You will begin to see how really wrong it all was. I hope he takes the opportunity to change, but I KNOW you will be fine regardless because of all your work! Take care!
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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An update, just 10 days or so now into our separation. I made some huge mental progress and sold the car he'd been driving for the past couple years. I owned the car, paid it off for good just as we were getting married. After I decided to get a new car 2 years ago, rather than trade it in we kept it for him to drive. He used that car to get into several accidents and one major DUI. He had interlock on it, and petitioned the court to get it removed when he left for FL and they complied since it was my car. And Friday, I sold the thing. I got more for it than I was expecting. It felt so liberating, even though I loved that old car. I've been trying to be social with friends and get out of the house on my days off, so I went out with some girlfriends on Friday and posted a picture on Facebook. Big mistake. Ever since then he's been angry. He picked a fight with me yesterday about a financial issue we've discussed at length before and had agreement on (I thought). Today I returned a "happy easter" message from him and he cursed me out on the phone for being too "fine" and essentially living my life. He also blew up again about the financial thing which we, again, had agreed all upon before the split. He says he's not sleeping, made references to harming himself (this is not new, he's never acted on it but it still scares me) and told me he doesn't want to talk for awhile. I told him that was fine, and that we could cease contact to give him some "Him time" as he called it. He also threatened to sue me for alimony if we divorce, since I make substantially more money than him. That did not go over well, so I ended the call at that point saying we could discuss any potential divorce scenarios after he calmed down, as he was pretty much spitting mad at me over the phone.
I did send a message to the friend he's staying with to let him know about the suicidal ideation, asking him to just please keep an eye on him to make sure he's ok. It was a 3 line facebook message. I got a response telling me my husband is completely fine and he has no idea what I'm talking about, and I need to quit starting drama. So....I simply told him to call me if he had any questions, told him I'd happily give husband as much time to himself as he needs. I'm not practicing right now, but I am a licensed attorney, and every professional instinct in my body says to lawyer up right now and get the papers filed, as this is going nowhere but downhill. I'd hoped taking him to be with his friends and family for a couple months would help, but apparently it isn't the magic cure all I was hoping for. He's being just as much of a jerk from 1000 miles away.
I absolutely cannot stomach the idea of paying this man alimony. Yes, I make more money. He has steadily made less and less each year we have been together, as he loses more jobs and becomes less hirable from being fired over and over. How is that my fault!? I've been supporting him through all of his gaps between jobs. He's working now. Why should I have to support him now?!?! We've only been married 4.5 years. Anyone have experience with whether I might be on the hook for spousal support? I was not a family law expert by any means...
I did send a message to the friend he's staying with to let him know about the suicidal ideation, asking him to just please keep an eye on him to make sure he's ok. It was a 3 line facebook message. I got a response telling me my husband is completely fine and he has no idea what I'm talking about, and I need to quit starting drama. So....I simply told him to call me if he had any questions, told him I'd happily give husband as much time to himself as he needs. I'm not practicing right now, but I am a licensed attorney, and every professional instinct in my body says to lawyer up right now and get the papers filed, as this is going nowhere but downhill. I'd hoped taking him to be with his friends and family for a couple months would help, but apparently it isn't the magic cure all I was hoping for. He's being just as much of a jerk from 1000 miles away.
I absolutely cannot stomach the idea of paying this man alimony. Yes, I make more money. He has steadily made less and less each year we have been together, as he loses more jobs and becomes less hirable from being fired over and over. How is that my fault!? I've been supporting him through all of his gaps between jobs. He's working now. Why should I have to support him now?!?! We've only been married 4.5 years. Anyone have experience with whether I might be on the hook for spousal support? I was not a family law expert by any means...
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Changing geography is just changing geography and taking your problems with you to a new place.
Couple of things. I suppose you have learned your lesson from FB but just in case you have not - don't post anything on there related to what you are doing. While things seemed all hunky dory at the time he left divorce or separation is extremely emotional and very unpredictable. If things aren't going well for him or if he thinks they are going better for you this is going to be a problem. Ask you friends not to tag anything with you onFB as well. As for him when he calls don't allude that you are doing ok or having a good time with him gone.
So he threatened alimony - ok. Is that going to keep you from divorcing him? It might be a possibility though in my state they would laugh at a 4.5 year marriage request for alimony. In your state it might be different. What the difference in income would affect is child support - you don't mention any children. If I am not mistaken I believe that VA does require a 1 year separation before divorce - not sure if that is still accurate unless infidelity is an issue.
Listen to your gut, lawyer up. You might have some advantages because he is already out of the home. The plan for him to stay gone for 1 - 2 month might go up in smoke at any time especially if he decides a divorce is not in his best interest, or if the friend gets tired of him and kicks him out. You certainly do not have to decide to file for divorce but having the knowledge of what your marriage dissolution will be should be quite powerful in the way you navigate the trial separation.
Couple of things. I suppose you have learned your lesson from FB but just in case you have not - don't post anything on there related to what you are doing. While things seemed all hunky dory at the time he left divorce or separation is extremely emotional and very unpredictable. If things aren't going well for him or if he thinks they are going better for you this is going to be a problem. Ask you friends not to tag anything with you onFB as well. As for him when he calls don't allude that you are doing ok or having a good time with him gone.
So he threatened alimony - ok. Is that going to keep you from divorcing him? It might be a possibility though in my state they would laugh at a 4.5 year marriage request for alimony. In your state it might be different. What the difference in income would affect is child support - you don't mention any children. If I am not mistaken I believe that VA does require a 1 year separation before divorce - not sure if that is still accurate unless infidelity is an issue.
Listen to your gut, lawyer up. You might have some advantages because he is already out of the home. The plan for him to stay gone for 1 - 2 month might go up in smoke at any time especially if he decides a divorce is not in his best interest, or if the friend gets tired of him and kicks him out. You certainly do not have to decide to file for divorce but having the knowledge of what your marriage dissolution will be should be quite powerful in the way you navigate the trial separation.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Everything red said. I'm a lawyer, too, and am no expert on divorce law, but from what I've seen a 4.5 year marriage is not likely to entitle him to any spousal support.
I'd suggest you lawyer up--here's one of the best aspects of that. You can tell him you refuse to discuss anything related to the divorce--he can deal with your lawyer. If he harasses you, you might be entitled to a protective order.
And a hundred percent--do NOT communicate regarding your personal life or the divorce on FB. Block him and his friend that he lives with. You do NOT need him into your business.
I'd suggest you lawyer up--here's one of the best aspects of that. You can tell him you refuse to discuss anything related to the divorce--he can deal with your lawyer. If he harasses you, you might be entitled to a protective order.
And a hundred percent--do NOT communicate regarding your personal life or the divorce on FB. Block him and his friend that he lives with. You do NOT need him into your business.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Rapid City, MI
Posts: 214
Is VA a no fault divorce state? Michigan is, and when I divorced I kept my house I had owned since before our marriage, he waived his right to my retirement accounts, alimony, etc., we split the joint account and closed it, we opted out of Friend of the Court so there is no court ordered child support or visitation, I gave him the crappy car he'd been driving, and we were done. Even with the discrepancy in our incomes, as he was chronically unemployed, the court impugned him for the hours he COULD BE WORKING, based his salary on the past 2 years of tax returns, and determined he didn't qualify for alimony. It can be done, because it has been done!
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Everything red said. I'm a lawyer, too, and am no expert on divorce law, but from what I've seen a 4.5 year marriage is not likely to entitle him to any spousal support.
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Why don'
T you go and see a divorce lawyer get some info?
Knowledge is power you know.
T you go and see a divorce lawyer get some info?
Knowledge is power you know.
Originally Posted by NoctambuleKMM
An update, just 10 days or so now into our separation. I made some huge mental progress and sold the car he'd been driving for the past couple years. I owned the car, paid it off for good just as we were getting married. After I decided to get a new car 2 years ago, rather than trade it in we kept it for him to drive. He used that car to get into several accidents and one major DUI. He had interlock on it, and petitioned the court to get it removed when he left for FL and they complied since it was my car. And Friday, I sold the thing. I got more for it than I was expecting. It felt so liberating, even though I loved that old car. I've been trying to be social with friends and get out of the house on my days off, so I went out with some girlfriends on Friday and posted a picture on Facebook. Big mistake. Ever since then he's been angry. He picked a fight with me yesterday about a financial issue we've discussed at length before and had agreement on (I thought). Today I returned a "happy easter" message from him and he cursed me out on the phone for being too "fine" and essentially living my life. He also blew up again about the financial thing which we, again, had agreed all upon before the split. He says he's not sleeping, made references to harming himself (this is not new, he's never acted on it but it still scares me) and told me he doesn't want to talk for awhile. I told him that was fine, and that we could cease contact to give him some "Him time" as he called it. He also threatened to sue me for alimony if we divorce, since I make substantially more money than him. That did not go over well, so I ended the call at that point saying we could discuss any potential divorce scenarios after he calmed down, as he was pretty much spitting mad at me over the phone.
I did send a message to the friend he's staying with to let him know about the suicidal ideation, asking him to just please keep an eye on him to make sure he's ok. It was a 3 line facebook message. I got a response telling me my husband is completely fine and he has no idea what I'm talking about, and I need to quit starting drama. So....I simply told him to call me if he had any questions, told him I'd happily give husband as much time to himself as he needs. I'm not practicing right now, but I am a licensed attorney, and every professional instinct in my body says to lawyer up right now and get the papers filed, as this is going nowhere but downhill. I'd hoped taking him to be with his friends and family for a couple months would help, but apparently it isn't the magic cure all I was hoping for. He's being just as much of a jerk from 1000 miles away.
I absolutely cannot stomach the idea of paying this man alimony. Yes, I make more money. He has steadily made less and less each year we have been together, as he loses more jobs and becomes less hirable from being fired over and over. How is that my fault!? I've been supporting him through all of his gaps between jobs. He's working now. Why should I have to support him now?!?! We've only been married 4.5 years. Anyone have experience with whether I might be on the hook for spousal support? I was not a family law expert by any means...
I did send a message to the friend he's staying with to let him know about the suicidal ideation, asking him to just please keep an eye on him to make sure he's ok. It was a 3 line facebook message. I got a response telling me my husband is completely fine and he has no idea what I'm talking about, and I need to quit starting drama. So....I simply told him to call me if he had any questions, told him I'd happily give husband as much time to himself as he needs. I'm not practicing right now, but I am a licensed attorney, and every professional instinct in my body says to lawyer up right now and get the papers filed, as this is going nowhere but downhill. I'd hoped taking him to be with his friends and family for a couple months would help, but apparently it isn't the magic cure all I was hoping for. He's being just as much of a jerk from 1000 miles away.
I absolutely cannot stomach the idea of paying this man alimony. Yes, I make more money. He has steadily made less and less each year we have been together, as he loses more jobs and becomes less hirable from being fired over and over. How is that my fault!? I've been supporting him through all of his gaps between jobs. He's working now. Why should I have to support him now?!?! We've only been married 4.5 years. Anyone have experience with whether I might be on the hook for spousal support? I was not a family law expert by any means...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
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Another update, thank you for all that have replied with words of encouragement. The separation has provided the clarity I needed, but unfortunately not the results I'd hoped for. I was hopeful that a month or two on his own would help my husband gain more of a sense of self, he'd have the support of his friends/family near him and he'd come back in a better state. I knew the opposite result was a possibility, but I honestly thought he'd make improvements. Boy, was I wrong. He got kicked out of the (free) place he was staying because his best friend of 25 years refused to put up with his antics any further. He asked me to come home at that point, and I told him no...that was one of the hardest conversations I've ever had to have. We've spoken once every few days since, and I could tell he was hammered some of the times. Then I got a call two nights ago that he was being taken to the hospital in an ambulance...I knew he was conscious because he'd given someone my number to call, and I was told he'd called the ambulance himself. That person had no idea what was wrong, but I had a good guess. He used to sometimes think he was dying (shortness of breath, chest pains) when he got incredibly drunk, and I figured this might be the case. I thought about booking a flight down there, and then I got him on the phone. He lied, lied, and lied just like he always has, and I realized that was it. It's over. I'm finally done. I called his parents, brother, and friend so they could go to him in the hospital, and I got the confirmation from them in the morning that yes, he had in fact nearly drank himself to death. His mom got him to sign over a medical power of attorney and they have kept him in the hospital to detox over the weekend. His parents got him into inpatient rehab starting tomorrow. I want him to get better, I want him to live (the doctors have now told him flat out he'll be dead in 6 months if he continues to drink). But I don't want to be married to him anymore. I feel so guilty, like I'm abandoning him, like I made him worse by sending him away. But I know he's the one who is making these choices and I couldn't stop him even if he was here. I now realize all those times I was suspicious that his 8 month "sobriety" was BS, I was likely right. Since he's been gone, I've been the healthiest I've been in a long time. I realized he was taking me down with the ship. And I also realize that although I hope rehab will work for him, I have very little confidence that it will. I have no idea how or when to break this news to him (obviously after he's out of rehab) but he's not coming home to me. I'm getting off this ride.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Sounds like you're doing great. I wouldn't tell him you have "very little confidence that rehab will work for him." Why do that? All you need to say is that you hope he will continue to recover but that you are done, that there has been too much damage done. You aren't obligated to take him back just because he has recovered. You can wish him well and say goodbye. I just think it would be a shame to tell him you don't think he can do it. You don't have to be his cheerleader, but you don't have to discourage him, either.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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I would never, ever actually tell him I don't think it will work. That's just me venting here in private. I've been encouraging over the phone, and of course I would love for it to stick this time and for him to get better. I just can't help being skeptical in my own head.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Sorry I misread you. 
If you're talking about "breaking the news" that you don't want to be married to him anymore, maybe while he's in rehab IS the time to do that. He will be surrounded by support, the therapists there can help him to process and to accept it. If you wait until he gets out, he might run straight out and drink over it.
Think about it. You might want to call someone at the rehab to talk about whether they could help when you break it to him.
If you're talking about "breaking the news" that you don't want to be married to him anymore, maybe while he's in rehab IS the time to do that. He will be surrounded by support, the therapists there can help him to process and to accept it. If you wait until he gets out, he might run straight out and drink over it.Think about it. You might want to call someone at the rehab to talk about whether they could help when you break it to him.
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Originally Posted by redatlanta
Changing geography is just changing geography and taking your problems with you to a new place.
C
C
I wish you all the best!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
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the doctors have now told him flat out he'll be dead in 6 months if he continues to drink
Based on what? Does he have stage 4 cirrhosis or pancreatitis? Has he developed diabetes? Are his liver enzymes sky high? Kidney Failure? He isn't in the hospital so what is this based on?
I point it out because you haven't written anything indicating he is facing life threatening physical maladies due to his drinking. Its clear he is making some life threatening possible decisions such as drinking and driving, possibly taking an overdose and such. He could fall while drunk.
I am NOT making light of this - but statements like the above can pull at ones heart strings terribly causing us to make decisions that aren't in OUR best interest for fear that the ALCOHOLIC may die and we may be able to stop it. Not.
I agree with Lexie - in Rehab is where I would tell him because he has the supportive resources there to deal with it. Your husband has some characteristics that sound Bi Polar to me - I hope that he will get a diagnosis of whatever is going on in his head because it sounds like more than just being an A.
I am glad you are feeling good and sticking by your guns. Best not to get sucked in further to crazy town.
Based on what? Does he have stage 4 cirrhosis or pancreatitis? Has he developed diabetes? Are his liver enzymes sky high? Kidney Failure? He isn't in the hospital so what is this based on?
I point it out because you haven't written anything indicating he is facing life threatening physical maladies due to his drinking. Its clear he is making some life threatening possible decisions such as drinking and driving, possibly taking an overdose and such. He could fall while drunk.
I am NOT making light of this - but statements like the above can pull at ones heart strings terribly causing us to make decisions that aren't in OUR best interest for fear that the ALCOHOLIC may die and we may be able to stop it. Not.
I agree with Lexie - in Rehab is where I would tell him because he has the supportive resources there to deal with it. Your husband has some characteristics that sound Bi Polar to me - I hope that he will get a diagnosis of whatever is going on in his head because it sounds like more than just being an A.
I am glad you are feeling good and sticking by your guns. Best not to get sucked in further to crazy town.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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And if his family is not well versed in addiction perhaps now is when they may become so. If hate for them to start the guilt trip blame game on you since they don't want to deal with his antics, either. Stay strong and OFF his train wreck. This needs to be his wake up call - or not - it's really up to him. I hope you got a legal separation when you state you're separated? Meaning I hope your finances are separated legally?
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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Have you spoken with an attorney yet? I’d gather some facts first in your state where you plan on filing for divorce. See what kind of time frame may be involved with a divorce becoming final. Then figure out when you will tell him, that doesn’t have to be determined today or even tomorrow.
Have you given any thought to maybe some therapy for just yourself to help you with all of this and all the emotions you are experiencing?
Have you given any thought to maybe some therapy for just yourself to help you with all of this and all the emotions you are experiencing?
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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Have not done it yet, but am about to. Eleven days to go. Only my separation is not exactly what you would call trial. I will be filing for divorce. I wanted to save money and everything first, but the things got so bad that I am absolutely terrified of spending another weekend with him around.
***Separation is good. And a big step. Yes, you definitely must find some clarity and decide what to do. To do for yourself. And you will also have some distance, be able to see everything from another perspective. However, I truly believe that 2 months is very little time. Maybe 6 would be better? It might be an unbearable thought at first.***
Wrote this before I saw your other post.
DO NOT feel guilty. It is absolutely not your fault. You are doing what should be done. You are not saving him by sticking around and watching the train wreck. Only he holds the keys of his recovery. We codependents just come and go.
***Separation is good. And a big step. Yes, you definitely must find some clarity and decide what to do. To do for yourself. And you will also have some distance, be able to see everything from another perspective. However, I truly believe that 2 months is very little time. Maybe 6 would be better? It might be an unbearable thought at first.***
Wrote this before I saw your other post.
DO NOT feel guilty. It is absolutely not your fault. You are doing what should be done. You are not saving him by sticking around and watching the train wreck. Only he holds the keys of his recovery. We codependents just come and go.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 9
To the question of the medical basis for him potentially dying in 6 months...he just spent 3 days in the hospital before being shipped to a private rehab this morning. He developed type 2 diabetes a year ago. His liver enzymes are elevated and have been pretty steadily for two years as well (ranging from sky high to at their best 2-3x normal, at least 8 sets of labs). We landed in the hospital in December because his urine was brown from bilirubin spilling into it, CT showed fatty liver but no cirrhosis yet at that time. The brown urine just happened again on this hospital trip. I don't think the 6 month thing is much of an exaggeration if he were to keep drinking at this pace. He has high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, and his liver is definitely in distress. I spoke to him this morning, and he will be in rehab for 28 days. He's not sure if he'll be able to contact me at all during that time. I told him to focus on getting better and getting sober and we'd talk when he got out. I've looked into it and in VA you have to be separated for 6 months before you can file for divorce, and in FL where he is at now you have to be a resident for 6 months so it's a waiting game until September one way or the other.
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