Pressing Charges on a Family Member - Will it Help?

Old 04-01-2015, 09:53 PM
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Pressing Charges on a Family Member - Will it Help?

Hi Everyone,

I am new to the site and looking for a little advice from the community. Recently I found myself in a tough situation and I am desperate to get advice from those who have previously been in my shoes. My story is quite long, but I will try to be as brief as possible.

I have a niece who is 20 years old who has suffered with addiction for a little over a year now. Her drugs of choice are Heroin, Crack, and Marijuana, but will pretty much do anything within reach. Around 8 months ago, my family and I received a call from the hospital and found out that she had overdosed on Heroin. This was the first time we found out that she was using hard drugs and it was quite a huge shock to my family. At the time we were very inexperienced on how to deal with someone suffering from addiction and missed a lot of the signs. She swore up and down that it was her first time and that she was actually trying to commit suicide. As a result, she was institutionalized for 3 days. She has never been suicidal, and seeing her go through treatment made me realize that it was more than likely a way for her to get sympathy from my family. We later learned that it was not her first time, and that she and her boyfriend had been using for roughly two months before this incident.

Before I go any further let me give a little background. My niece was always a good kid and a good student. Her only downfall was her desperation for attention and to fit in. She stayed out of trouble and I believe she just fell into the wrong crowd. Her parents split when she was young, and my sister had little communication with her father growing up. My sister soon remarried but my niece never really got a long with her step-dad. He is a great guy, it just wasn't her father so she had trouble listening to what he had to say.

We were quite naive after this and believed all was well. She was enrolled in school and had a job so we didn't really suspect anything until around 2 months later. Apparently someone saw her boyfriend using in the car and called the police. She was charged with Possession of Crack Cocaine and did a couple days in jail. My sister got a pretty good lawyer for her and she was sentenced to 16 months probation.

Around 2 months into her probation we discovered messages that proved she was still using. She found a way to cheat the system. We buckled down on her and cut her off of all sources of money. She went through withdrawals and seemed to be clean for awhile.

Unfortunately her mother and step-father had to relocate due to work and my niece found every excuse not to move with them. We begged her to go but she wouldn't listen. She agreed to move in with my mother, her grand mother. I noticed a few things missing around my moms house, including a few of my father's valuable keepsakes. He passed away a few years ago so they meant a great deal to me. I naturally got incredibly angry about the situation, did some research and found out she was using yet again. I asked her to take a drug test one night which she wouldn't take until the following morning after I went home. My mom read the results and told me she failed for marijuana (I later found the test and discovered she actually failed for 6 drugs). I contacted her probation officer and told her what I suspected because I was worried about my mother's health. My mom is quite a worrier and I feared that my niece would give her a heart attack. The probation officer did absolutely nothing, so I didn't know what to do.

Less than a week later I received a call from my mother that pretty much everything of value in the house had been stolen. She filed a police report and we both gave statements. So far we have accounted for around $15,000 worth of stuff missing. We are finding new stuff that's missing every day though. We obviously knew she had involvement as there was no sign of forced entry.

So this leads me to where I desperately need advice. My family is being torn apart. There is constant fighting between my sister and her husband and I honestly fear for the well being of my mother. The officer working on the case called me and let me know they had enough evidence to press charges on my niece and asked if we wanted to proceed with the charges.

My mom wants to press charges but feels like she will be condemning my niece to a difficult life. My sister is adamant not to press charges, but my brother-in-law believes its the best outcome. I believe she hasn't had any consequences for her actions and she needs to learn a lesson, but if I press charges it means she will be in violation of probation as well as a grand larceny charge. She refuses to go to rehab because she doesn't think she needs help. She still wont admit that she is using drugs even when we lay a used syringe or drug test right in front of her. Her lying and manipulation has grown out of hand. We have tried interventions and nothing seems to work. If I proceed with the charges she will likely get court ordered rehab in addition to some serious jail time. Am I condemning her by doing so?

Thank you for reading my story and any advice is greatly appreciated.
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Old 04-01-2015, 10:11 PM
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I wish I could give you a definitive answer Minx, as I know how much you will be worrying about this. I'm shocked that your sister would leave her daughter with your mother; it was a recipe for disaster.
- Your mother is the victim of this crime, so if you feel she is able to make a decision, she would have the last word. Your niece is in big trouble with drugs and has already condemned herself to a hard life. Some prison/rehab time might break the cycle.
- Would it cause a breach in the family between your sister, you and your mother? How would that affect your mother's life?
- Pressing charges would be the only possibility for now of your niece receiving (court mandated) treatment, but her parents have that call, if that was the sole reason for proceeding.
- What would you do if it was one of your children?

In summary, I would suggest you go ahead, however this will have repercussions in the family and you and your mother will have to live with that.
Your niece may not benefit from the jail/rehab time, but as she's refusing rehab now it's her only chance of treatment.
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Old 04-01-2015, 10:33 PM
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Yes! Press charges.

You will never know if or what it will take to help her, but she shouldn't get a free pass for illegal activity because she is using.

She is more likely to change when she is made to change or has a reason.

It's not your job, her mom's, or grandma's to protect her bad/illegal behavior because she's stealing for drugs.

Stand your ground, don't let the drug addict in her lead you to protect her addiction.
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Old 04-01-2015, 11:11 PM
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Thank you for the replies! I am a highly logical thinker, and drug use is still an anomaly to me and I will probably never understand it completely.

I also forgot to mention that once the robbery happened we told her she couldn't stay there anymore so she hasn't been living at my moms for about two weeks. At first she made threats to kill herself so my sister called the police out of fear that she might actually do it. They found her and basically just told her to stop making threats. Her manipulation astonishes me.

I am still new to how an addict thinks and after reading through a few other posts on here I am incredibly shocked at the similarities. I personally believe she is so incredibly embarrassed by her actions that she forces herself to believe an alternate reality which further fuels her substance abuse. I would love to get some insight on how she thinks but its pretty much impossible.

The fact of the matter is that she is in deep. Once a person uses this much are there possibilities to make a recovery?

I find anything my niece says incredibly hard to believe. In fact, I've gotten to the point where I just assume everything is a lie. My sister is really struggling with the situation and I also have a little resentment for her choice to leave her with our mom, knowing the consequences. She also has a 3-year old so the family, work, life balance has been a lot for her to handle. It is worth noting that she visits often and checks in daily. Its just so difficult because she has to live her life too ya know?

She will never give up on her but she also enables her by getting her out of trouble and covering for her when things get bad. She finds it hard to accept the fact that her daughter is an addict and she blames all of her actions on the drugs. I agree that her actions are drug induced, but I also believe those actions must hold a consequence or she will never learn.

I think the biggest struggle with pressing charges is whether jail time will actually put her on a better path. Rehab could definitely help but unfortunately we don't get to choose one or the other- it's either all or nothing. I fear that once she got out of jail/prison, even if she wanted to make a change she would wind up using drugs again. Having drug charges alone would make it hard to find a job but adding grand larceny severely limits her options.

I know if she continues down this path and if we don't do something now, she will likely end up dead but are there any other options?
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Old 04-02-2015, 12:17 AM
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Originally Posted by Done_With_It View Post
Yes! Press charges.
You will never know if or what it will take to help her, but she shouldn't get a free pass for illegal activity because she is using.
She is more likely to change when she is made to change or has a reason.
It's not your job, her mom's, or grandma's to protect her bad/illegal behavior because she's stealing for drugs.
Stand your ground, don't let the drug addict in her lead you to protect her addiction.
I'm with Done_With_It......Yes! Press charges. You ask......: Will it help?
"...I think the biggest struggle with pressing charges is whether jail time will actually put her on a better path..."

Well, whether it will help or put her on a better is not really the point. Folks need to realize that there are consequences their actions.

(o:
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Old 04-02-2015, 05:59 AM
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Press charges.
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Old 04-02-2015, 06:06 AM
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Hello. I am so sorry for what brings you here. Thing is, H is one hard addiction to kick. Sooooo...they will sell everything, including their own soul, to fund the addiction. Going ahead with the charges may be the only thing to actually save her life.

This is just my opinion of course.

Good luck. I hope you keep coming to SR, there is a lot of support here!
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Old 04-02-2015, 07:17 AM
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My 18 yo step daughter is a heroin addict. She just completed her second detox program and less than a week later is using again and lost her job as a result of it. I am just waiting for the stealing to start up now that her money source is about to dry up. She has stolen smaller items like jewelry from her mother and sisters, never anything from my home. Nothing was ever done about it and to this day, she feels no remorse over it.

There is a lot at stake here and babying your niece is doing no one any good, especially her. She has to have consequences in order to want to make a change. No consequences leaves her with no REASON to want to change. The drug has it's hold, the high is what they crave and as an addict, they will never NOT want the high so they need other reasons to want to quit.

If your niece had stolen $150 worth of belongings, I would say pressing charges would be a bit harsh but $15,000 is a no brainer for me. I don't believe an active addict would feel bad about having done this, her focus is on getting money to get her high. nothing else. Filing charges, as hard as it will be, *may* be her saving grace, only time will tell but at least you did something.

My husband sometimes has a difficult time holding his AD accountable and following through on consequences. His ex-wife is a complete enabler, I can't talk any sense into her but I can with my husband. When he has a difficult decision to make, I ask him this.

If she overdoses again (our AD has twice) and she doesn't live through it, can YOU live with the fact that you did nothing when you had a chance to do something? I think the guilt would eat him alive. Doing nothing is worse than making her accountable for her actions. It is in my opinion, anyway.

You need to talk frankly with her mother, this is not the time to ***** foot around difficult conversations. It has to happen.

Good luck to you!
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Old 04-02-2015, 09:04 AM
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My 22 year old daughter is a heroin addict too. She stole $4,000 from my father's checking account. We did not press charges. She is still using. Just my 2 cents. Prayers, this is hard stuff.
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Old 04-02-2015, 10:13 AM
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Minx - Welcome! I see you are new to SR. This is a great place for support and knowledge. I am sorry for what brings you here. Theft is a common occurence that many of us have dealt with. I wanted to share that the qualifier in my life (now exBF) who was a Herion addict, stole from me as well as anyone else in his path (all his family, friends, his employer, clients of his employer where he did work). His stealing finally caught up with him when he stole from 2 "big box" stores and police charges were filed. It was then the court stepped in and ordered mandatory urine drops, etc. He failed that program and went in to a very stringent rehab program which he recently graduated. He and I don't talk anymore, but I do know that he is still sober.

I also want to tell you that he was steps away from killing himself before the court stepped in. He fell deep into his addiction, he lost so much weight he looked as though he was a walking skeleton, and I am pretty confident if the court hadn't stepped in, he would most likely not be here on Earth. A regret I have, and other family members, is that we did not file police charges when he stole from us. By not taking action, in my opinion, he kept spiraling out of control because he had no consequences. Perhaps if the others before me would have stepped in 5 or 6 years sooner (he's been using for about 12 years, different DOC each time, but still an addict), maybe, just maybe, he wouldn't have fallen so deep into his addiction.

It's a hard choice to make, but as you will read here and many other sites, an addict must face the consequences of their actions. Take care ~
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Old 04-02-2015, 10:46 AM
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People generally avoid conflict. It is generally unpleasant, complicated, and unpredictable.
Actors (and disabilities) of predation know this ---- and use it to their advantage.

On the other hand, systems of stability rely on deterrence. The certain
knowledge that certain actions will be followed by reprisals as sure as night
follows day. It takes the fun out of bullying. Knocking people on their butts
and taking their crap is easier than working for it-----raping and pillaging
without consequence is great fun......but an H-bomb coming your way over
the horizon JUST ISN'T.

Addiction is life and death, no shuffling to the back of the room and pretending you
don't know what's going on. The gauntlet is thrown down and we must either respond
or take our places amongst the permanently subordinated. Filing charges when
our property is violated is how the system is set up. In non-empowered societies,
people shrug their shoulders and "nobody saw 'nuthin"--and evil reigns.

No one likes to be pushed into a corner, me included. But there is enormous utility
in the statement....

"cross this line and there WILL be consequences"


...at the very least your niece will know not every last soul turned away.
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Old 04-02-2015, 12:18 PM
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Hello Minx, I had my son arrested twice after so many chances and recovering my things from the pawn shop. His usage has spanned 5 years, since he was 20 (Heroin). I don't regret it at ALL! Both times he went to rehab and learned something. He is now living at the Salvation Army and in their program for 6 months. His time in jail was important that he realized the consequences for his actions, though at this very young age, all you can do is hope that jail becomes their bottom. My son has one more year of probation and hopefully then he can get the charges expunged. Until then, One day at a time, he is doing good TODAY.
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Old 04-02-2015, 02:44 PM
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Thank you all for your comments, concerns, thoughts, stories and advice. Hearing it from people who are somehow acquainted with addiction really means a lot to me. The detective called today and gave a little bit more insight. The penalty will likely be severe so we have a difficult decision to make and he requested that we let him know ASAP.

On top of this, today she agreed to go to rehab but the only clinic we could find with an opening is a quick 3-week program. I believe it was because she was backed into a corner and she obviously doesn't want to go to jail. Now my sister is strongly against the idea of pressing charges because she agreed to go to rehab. If we pass up this opportunity and she doesn't get better all we can do is sit back and watch again.

For those of you that are familiar with legal system, or had a family member put through it, how does it work? Would they generally go to rehab first, then jail? Would we have any say in which rehab facility she is assigned to? How long do the court mandated rehab programs generally last?
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Old 04-02-2015, 03:25 PM
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Just my .02

You should press charges. Accountability is a very important piece of the puzzle for the addict to possibly decide to clean it up. Allowing your niece to go to cushy rehab as opposed to jail is enabling because you are alleviating the accountability from her actions stemming from her addiction.

She isn't going to rehab because she wants to, she is going because its a much better option for her than jail. You think its going to be effective under these circumstances? And btw, who says she is going to stay? She walks in she can walk right back out.

My neighbors son is in jail right now on 5 felonies. This kid has been bailed out and out and out. Sure enough he ended up the one of 3 places A's go, rehab (he's been in 3), jail, or dead. He was not able to get bond because he got busted for marijuana possession last year and then skipped court. He called mommy crying and wailing 'get me out mom I'll go to rehab"!! Uh Huh I bet you will. He will go to Court end May so he is in for a couple of months before sentencing. They put him in detox when he first got there (xanax, dilaudid, alcoholic, weed, meth). He is in an addiction program there now.

In our State he will be able to plead under the first offender rule and if accepted he will receive 5 years probation. During that time his file will be sealed and he will have very stringent rules including drug testing that he will have to adhere to for 5 years. At the end of the 5 years if he stays clean his charge will be expunged.

Clipping someone's freedom is about the best kick in the a** there is. Certainly there are people that come out of jail and continue their lives as they were before, but for some people its the wake up call they need.

I know this is difficult with your sister. Sister shouldn't have left daughter with mother. You know it, I know it, everyone knows it. 3 people agree, including her father, that she should face the consequences. Why does the enabler get a vote, or rather why does the enabler's vote outweigh 3 other people? You should think about that. 3 weeks rehab? I'm sorry but why not send her on vacation and maybe she can find herself.

I'm very sorry for this predicament and what someone's addiction has done to your family. If it were my niece I would send her to jail in a heartbeat if she did that to my parents. If she did it to her own mom then that's their decision on how to handle - its a whole family issue now.
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Old 04-02-2015, 03:26 PM
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Old 04-02-2015, 05:15 PM
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Hi Minx, not sure what the charge is in your state, but when JJ broke into our home and took jewelry, cash and other things AFTER he had moved out, they charged it as burglary. That is a strike in California. The Jail time was 5.5 months in jail, then a court ordered rehab (which we did not get to pick) and then 3 years probation. That is due to the plea deal when he plead guilty and the fact that we were the victims.

If they proceed with robbery (if anyone was present in the home, they could call it robbery), the charge may be more extreme.

If they go with the grand theft, that is generally no more than 3 years in state prison, but on first offense they would probably work a lower plea.

If you press charges, then she will be arrested, arraigned, and then the DA will let you know what they want to do, and since it is family, you may be able to try and get a rehab with probation.
You wont know if you don't choose to have her arrested for the crime and then let the legal system come in.
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Old 04-05-2015, 04:31 AM
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Our AS started using at the age of 16, there isn't a thing he didnt steal. My spouse and I tried to keep him out of the legal system. Hoping one day he would land that wonderful job & education. We had absolutely no idea what drug addiction does to families , and our loved ones . We did eventually start pressing charges. My opinion is I would have her charged . She needs to be held accountable like any one else would be . You may be saving her life . Our AS is still using . We do not know what each addicts rock bottom is . My spouse and I just heard a wonderful testimony. A 27 year old recovering drug addict . He has been clean 3 years working a program. His rock bottom was jail. He worked in a nursing home as a cleaner stole money and belongings from the senior citizens . He was arrested and charged, sent to jail. After completion of jail he went to rehab. I will never forget him saying had he not been held accountable for his disgusting actions he would not be where he is today. I do realize this young man is one of few that has gone in to recovery. Every time I think of him I feel hope .
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Old 04-05-2015, 05:00 AM
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quote: "I personally believe she is so incredibly embarrassed by her actions"

She is not. Like you will hear over and over, if their lips are moving, they are lying.

The manipulation is part of the drug use. Stealing - well if someone walked into your mothers house and stole $15K worth of her belongings - would she press charges ? This child is family but that doesn't matter in this case. She is essentially gone. The drugs take over the mind. This may be her only chance at survival but never the less, she committed a crime. She will commit more. Your mother has the duty to show her the consequences.

Done with love. Maybe next time she will have someone else break in and something worse could happen .... it's a constant thing. If there is a dollar to be stolen ... it will be.
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Old 04-05-2015, 09:20 PM
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Originally Posted by totfit View Post
Press charges.
My AH went to prison over a year and a half ago. Jail is not the worst thing that can happen to an addict. I didn't want to go the same way as him and got clean. He sobered up inside. Who knows what he will do when he gets out but that's besides the point. Don't feel like risking her serving time is making her life more difficult. When it comes to addicts that refuse rehab or just go through the motions... prison is the best thing ever! It's like time out for adults.
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Old 04-06-2015, 03:30 AM
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That’s a tough call to make. I don’t have addicted children, but I’ve seen addiction in adults that started early on in young adulthood…

What stood out for me in your story was how early your niece’s addiction started and how fast it escalated (“using anything she could get her hands on”) and I’m wondering if she /someone in your family has been previously diagnosed with a mood or personality disorder? I heard that adolescence is considered the critical age for the onset of such illnesses, making some young people prone to using drugs or booze to self-medicate…

While I second the idea that people should be held responsible for their choices, (and with limited knowledge of the US jail system) I’m worried if the people in jail can provide the mental healthcare that your niece might need? Without wanting to argue against the painful life experience and great advice that others have already given you, I would think about getting her an appointment with a clinician that specializes in addiction and mental health issues in teens and young adults.
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