medicatrix

I've had a terrible, terrible time with this. I stopped drinking because I realized I was very sick, physically and I also started to get the feeling that I was making really terrible decisions while I was drinking. It had been about five years; bottle of wine would put me to sleep, the fog would take me through the afternoon, by five or six I was at the store getting another bottle of wine.

Every night. Five years.

It was really only terror and the increasing overwhelm of one bad decision after another that made me stop. 74 days....I'm calmer now and what's replaced the terror is both dread ( what have I done to myself? Do I have brain damage? Why am I still so uneasy in my body? I feel everything, every pain, every twitch.) I feel like I'm going to die, not because I don't have alcohol but just because I feel that way.

I truly do not know what to do with myself without my Secret Wino routine. I am both completely bored of my inner world and scared to try anything.

I was driving around today looking at people thinking, wow, look at all these people who are not drinking themselves to sleep every night. They seem to be okay, involved in their own lives. I miss the old me, the one with the secret elixir that drugged her dreams and filled her mind and made her feel that for the most part, everything was going to be okay and some things were possible.

I have no idea who this person is, writing this. I don't know what she wants to do with her life or what she cares about. I feel like I somehow got a lobotomy or something. I have no interest in *anything* -- nothing on the internet, nothing in the news cycle,nothing, nothing nothing seems the least bit interesting to me at all. I can absorb and retain information but I just don't feel like it. In a way it's like I'm not here. For example today I drove past a boutique called "Persimmon." I thought about whoever the owner was of that boutique and how cute she thought the name was, and imagined inside were all kinds of small handpicked luxuries that women buy; french milled soap and a bit of costume jewelry and stationery along with some pricey dresses and formless linen jackets and so on.

And I thought...why? Ms. Persimmon, why did you bother? The whole thing could not be there and no one would care, maybe not even you .

It is the strangest feeling, the strangest type of disconnection. I have never felt anything like it in my life.

Soberwolf

Congrats on day 74 bud have you got a sober plan

Dee74

Hi medicatrix

I hadn't been happy for a long time, drunk or sober. It was decades.

It took time for me to heal, to find out who I was, and from there, work out what I needed to do to be happy.

But I worked it all out eventually and I'm the most happy contented and peaceful I've ever been as an adult.

Start building a sober life...not one that mourns the loss of alcohol or stares at the hole it's left.

In time you'll find purpose, you'll find out who you are and you'll be glad you stuck the course.

I really encourage you to post more here too. There's always support

D

VikingGF

I feel this almost constantly. I think I may be depressed but so afraid of an anti-depressant regimen that I just sort of power through. Poorly.

But I don't drink and I have to believe that it will be better because so many here say it will be. I'm sorry I'm not much help, but I am here to say you are not alone. I get it 100%.

Oh, and it really comes and goes. I feel like you describe for days on end, then I have a few good days, then it's back again. Maybe the good day stretches will get longer.

SDH73

I'm around the same sober time as you, and I feel pretty "blah" these days. You're definitely not alone. I suppose we have to take it on faith that it will get better.

Anna

I know it took me awhile, probably a few months, before I started feeling very optimistic. I was very low emotionally when I stopped drinking, so I had a long way to go. And, I was depressed prior to drinking so I needed to get that figured out. I think things can still improve for you as your recovery continues. If you were depressed before you began drinking, then you might talk to your dr at some point.

Chewy88

Talk to your doctor

Sounds like serious depression

medicatrix

It definitely also sounds like serious and definitive clinical depression to me too. Thing is I don't want meds, my brain is screwed up enough as it is. I wasn't depressed before I quit:I was scared out of my mind by some very freaky health symptoms and willing to do *anything* to beat them.

Like I said, I'm calmer now but not dying tomorrow stops being a longterm goal, and then what you're looking at is...what?

My sober plan is this. I said no less than 90 days. I wanted a bottle of wine so bad today; it was a pretty, sunny day and there are tables coming out onto the streets, people starting to mill around in the soft weather. But I could not do that so I went home and lay down here on my bed and thought...man. What now?

Thing is, this whole time -- this whole 74 days, I really haven't wanted to touch a drop. No desire, I was too worried. But I was suffering withdrawals I didn't even realize I was having -- obsessive thoughts, anxiety, tremors, dread. If I had really made the connection between how I've been feeling and alcohol withdrawal I would not have made it this far. It's only occurring to me now, what it was, and is.

Chewy88

Meds did wonders for me

Nothing to be ashamed of

The meds are a lot better now than years past

5mg of cipralex and i just feel like my old self

Dee74

Have you heard of PAWs...it can tend kick in around the anniversary dates?

I'm not diagnosing you, but see if this rings any bells

PAWS | Digital Dharma

D