Pregnancy announce - brother's response
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
Pregnancy announce - brother's response
Update concerning 1 brother of mine - estranged from two others, but not this brother. As noted before, this brother complained about finding a middle ground where he could spend time with me only and not with my wife (never spending time with me and my wife).
After 4 years of trying, and using IVF, my wife is finally pregnant!
13 weeks, so chances are, this will work out. We couldn't be more excited!
I did a bunch of calling yesterday to share the news. Despite this 1 brother's lack of sharing his engagement, marriage, pregnancy, child, etc - I chose to share with him our pregnancy news. I was being true to myself. His phone was disconnected and I left an e-mail.
He response surprised me. He said congrats and stated that he had been telling his wife that he was going to call me but was too embarrassed or shy. That he didn't know what to say. And said congrats again.
I'm not sure how to respond, or where to move forward from here. I know exactly what I'm willing to participate in and not. I'm not OK with participating in relationships where my wife is excluded (big NO). I might accept phone calls, e-mails, or facebook posts (hence the comfort with calling him or e-mailing him with the news). Those are by nature often one-to-one (or maybe it's a comfort zone thing).
I guess I'm stuck on what to think. It's like mixed messages - 1st a lot of non-response and getting mad that I've cut some toxic brothers from my life - says NOTHING about my sobriety, my recovery, effort to have child - history of not responding to calls, e-mails, - doesn't post on my fb. But, at the same time, I get responses like these that indicate an interest in connecting.
How do I go about exerting my boundaries and keeping them intact, but also tip-toe around the stuff that seems to be hot-buttons or un-resolvable conflict. Are boundaries something I don't have to be explicitly overt about all the time? Do I show them through my actions? (such as responding to e-mail and saying I'm comfortable with e-mails).
I'm rambling on. This brother's responses are confusing to me. There's next to no communication.
After 4 years of trying, and using IVF, my wife is finally pregnant!
13 weeks, so chances are, this will work out. We couldn't be more excited!
I did a bunch of calling yesterday to share the news. Despite this 1 brother's lack of sharing his engagement, marriage, pregnancy, child, etc - I chose to share with him our pregnancy news. I was being true to myself. His phone was disconnected and I left an e-mail.
He response surprised me. He said congrats and stated that he had been telling his wife that he was going to call me but was too embarrassed or shy. That he didn't know what to say. And said congrats again.
I'm not sure how to respond, or where to move forward from here. I know exactly what I'm willing to participate in and not. I'm not OK with participating in relationships where my wife is excluded (big NO). I might accept phone calls, e-mails, or facebook posts (hence the comfort with calling him or e-mailing him with the news). Those are by nature often one-to-one (or maybe it's a comfort zone thing).
I guess I'm stuck on what to think. It's like mixed messages - 1st a lot of non-response and getting mad that I've cut some toxic brothers from my life - says NOTHING about my sobriety, my recovery, effort to have child - history of not responding to calls, e-mails, - doesn't post on my fb. But, at the same time, I get responses like these that indicate an interest in connecting.
How do I go about exerting my boundaries and keeping them intact, but also tip-toe around the stuff that seems to be hot-buttons or un-resolvable conflict. Are boundaries something I don't have to be explicitly overt about all the time? Do I show them through my actions? (such as responding to e-mail and saying I'm comfortable with e-mails).
I'm rambling on. This brother's responses are confusing to me. There's next to no communication.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 50
I wish I had an answer for you, concerning your brother, but what I really want to pass on is congratulations - you and your wife will be parents this year! That is just so wonderful. Focus on that happiness for awhile.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
First congrats on the pregnancy, it took me and my husband 19 years so I understand your excitement. However, that excitement gets diluted with our family of origin and how they respond/not respond. This is just the beginning of that long road trip. This will be exasperated with holidays and birthdays. I too was flummoxed by the responses I got throughout the years, but learned to adjust and not expect anything from FOO and moved on with my new family. I chose to focus on my kids and husband and those that wanted to be included. My church became the replacement for my FOO. You will figure it out, find your place and protect yourself and your family.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Thotful, congrats on the pregnancy. That is awesome news. 13 weeks is a great sign. Do you know how many babies?
I think you might be reading into things with your brother. He was polite and responded to your email. I don't think that is a big gesture. There is no need to keep restating your boundaries. Your family knows what they are. You might just need to accept that as long as you are married they don't want a relationship. While that hurts most of us adult children have fractured family relationships. I also think you may be looking for too much validation from them. I am a recovering alcoholic myself. No one in my family much cared. I just got "I am glad you quit drinking". That's good enough for me.
I think you might be reading into things with your brother. He was polite and responded to your email. I don't think that is a big gesture. There is no need to keep restating your boundaries. Your family knows what they are. You might just need to accept that as long as you are married they don't want a relationship. While that hurts most of us adult children have fractured family relationships. I also think you may be looking for too much validation from them. I am a recovering alcoholic myself. No one in my family much cared. I just got "I am glad you quit drinking". That's good enough for me.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I utilized fertility treatments & years of patience to conceive DD so I know EXACTLY how ecstatic you must feel right now.
CONGRATULATIONS to you both, that is really, really WONDERFUL news!!
For me, not all boundaries need to be constantly restated or brought up. I agree with Happy that his email to you was kind & doesn't really require deep analysis...... there's enough water under the bridge that I think you both understand his hesitation. Boundaries are for ME, they have nothing to do with others. Sometimes I find it necessary to verbalize them - more like a heads-up about my personal space - but mostly they are just my own personal rules & guidelines that exist in my head.
It may not be a long Olive Branch but it IS a kind, supportive message about your news. It sounds to me like you have expectations about how he SHOULD be responding & that's not really fair either..... be careful not to turn away the opportunity to open communication between the two of you.
On some level you have to be willing to let some things from the past stop affecting your future, especially if you aren't going No Contact with him/them, otherwise every single contact is going to be too much work. There has to be a demarcation in time where you start moving forward in your relationship. Remember that forgiveness isn't about the other person at all, it's about unburdening yourself from the weight of the sin.
YOU reached out to HIM and IMO he showed some vulnerability in his words. Don't slap back at him because his words don't meet your expectations or you are making assumptions about everything that he DIDN'T say, ya know?
Maybe think about it this way - what could he have said that WOULD make you happy.... and is that reasonable to expect?
But really, the most important thing is that wonderful new person coming to live with you soon. I'm SO happy for you both, you must be over the moon!!!
CONGRATULATIONS to you both, that is really, really WONDERFUL news!!
For me, not all boundaries need to be constantly restated or brought up. I agree with Happy that his email to you was kind & doesn't really require deep analysis...... there's enough water under the bridge that I think you both understand his hesitation. Boundaries are for ME, they have nothing to do with others. Sometimes I find it necessary to verbalize them - more like a heads-up about my personal space - but mostly they are just my own personal rules & guidelines that exist in my head.
It may not be a long Olive Branch but it IS a kind, supportive message about your news. It sounds to me like you have expectations about how he SHOULD be responding & that's not really fair either..... be careful not to turn away the opportunity to open communication between the two of you.
On some level you have to be willing to let some things from the past stop affecting your future, especially if you aren't going No Contact with him/them, otherwise every single contact is going to be too much work. There has to be a demarcation in time where you start moving forward in your relationship. Remember that forgiveness isn't about the other person at all, it's about unburdening yourself from the weight of the sin.
YOU reached out to HIM and IMO he showed some vulnerability in his words. Don't slap back at him because his words don't meet your expectations or you are making assumptions about everything that he DIDN'T say, ya know?
Maybe think about it this way - what could he have said that WOULD make you happy.... and is that reasonable to expect?
But really, the most important thing is that wonderful new person coming to live with you soon. I'm SO happy for you both, you must be over the moon!!!
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
CONGRATULATIONS! Babies are such a blessing. And you can start the next generation HEALTHY. Wonderful news!
As for your brother, I'd continue to utilize some Al-Anon wisdom and go one day at a time. And don't have any expectations. Just know your boundaries and take things as they come.
Congrats again!!!
As for your brother, I'd continue to utilize some Al-Anon wisdom and go one day at a time. And don't have any expectations. Just know your boundaries and take things as they come.
Congrats again!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
I'll paraphrase my response.
I thanked him and remarked on how I could relate to feeling anxious about making a phone call. I noted that he could send me e-mails about movies and video games - something to consider. Then I wrote a little about movies my wife and I were watching and a video game I was currently playing and enjoying.
I'm in uncharted territory here and worry about losing my ground. I need some more faith in myself in keeping my boundaries intact and operating my life the way that works for me.
I hope to get more attention and energy into my wife and soon-to-be daughter. I am so excited. It is my opportunity to create a different life for her, than I had. I feel like I have this unhealthy attachment to relationships that may never heal. Like I'm a moth to a flame. This brother has not really been there for me. I totally understand why some people just decide that it is no longer worth the hassle (far more energy put in versus how much benefit of positive energy is returned).
I thanked him and remarked on how I could relate to feeling anxious about making a phone call. I noted that he could send me e-mails about movies and video games - something to consider. Then I wrote a little about movies my wife and I were watching and a video game I was currently playing and enjoying.
I'm in uncharted territory here and worry about losing my ground. I need some more faith in myself in keeping my boundaries intact and operating my life the way that works for me.
I hope to get more attention and energy into my wife and soon-to-be daughter. I am so excited. It is my opportunity to create a different life for her, than I had. I feel like I have this unhealthy attachment to relationships that may never heal. Like I'm a moth to a flame. This brother has not really been there for me. I totally understand why some people just decide that it is no longer worth the hassle (far more energy put in versus how much benefit of positive energy is returned).
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Now start planning ways to keep your baby away from the drama of foo's. My family was protected from all drama of my foo's. Just the other day I mentioned something to my daughter who is an adult now, and she said, 'I didn't know that!'. Then we had a discussion about some of my foo's drama and she thanked me for keeping her from it all her life. LOL it took a couple decades but it confirmed I did the right thing.
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