Katchie

If he didn't relapse last night it will be a miracle. Yes, he chatted with "Heaven" yesterday and he told her he would meet her over by the bar at 10pm -- all he needed to do was ask for her.

What the H-E-double-L is he doing!?! Lets forget lil miss Heaven for a moment...what the heck is he doing going to a bar...HELLO! Yes, I know, he is doing what a drunk does.

He is suppose to take my kids to see his family for Easter 2 hrs west of here. Now I'm going to have to check to make sure he isn't drunk before I can let him leave with them, but I don't want him knowing I'm privy to his iMessages with Heaven.

I feel like I'm in the middle of a quandary. On the one hand its his business...on the other its not just his business when my kids are involved and he's driving...and his brother would want to know he is compromising his sobriety. I could pull my hair out -- but I won't. I just have to decide what I do and don't do. UGH...he makes me so MAD to still be dealing with this crap!!!!! I want to DIVORCE the alcoholism!!

maybear

You are so right, it is definitely your business when your kids are involved!

I would just do whatever you need to do to protect them... Could you say that someone you know saw him drinking and told you and that's how you've become aware of his drinking again?

Sorry you have to read about Heaven... That's so awful and must be incredibly hurtful whether you are together or not.

Seren

Certainly you have a right to refuse to let him take the children if he shows up drunk. It is a hard call each and every time for a lot of parents here. Hopefully, those with experience co-parenting with an alcoholic will be long soon!

Katchie

This woke me out of a dead sleep at 3am. I haven't shed one tear about it and not because I'm holding back this time. But I'm noticing physical symptoms from the stress of it in the form of itchy bumps, like hives, on my fingers. I haven't had this in a couple of months. I just want to be so DONE and never have to deal with this sort of thing again. That isn't going to be possible, is it? The blessing lies w/in the fact my sons are older and not little ones and will be on their own soon. I just have to keep thinking that.

Seren

I think your sons' ages will help them in that they will be able to tell if their dad is impaired, too, and can call you if needed! Hang in there, Mom!! I wish I had my own experience to share in this case, but know that you are not alone.

Breathe....it will get better with time. Do you have a favorite song or prayer or meditation you can listen to this morning to relax?

Katchie

I think crying will help. It's hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't feel it before and all of a sudden I do.

Seren

Sometimes crying is the best release of all the pent-up emotions we can have

Refiner

Oh myyyy LORD! I would be sooooo tempted to tell the brother just a little. Like... Be sure to ask your bro if he's felt closer to "heaven" lately. And see him freak out LOL. He's living such a lie I can't imagine the shame and guilt he must feel!

CodeJob

Hello Katchie,

What a disappointment.

FeelingGreat

Katchie, can you tell whether he's been drinking when he collects the boys? If not could you get a tester and ask him to blow in it? I think they have fairly cheap portable ones now.

You could justify this by saying you've 'heard' he's been seen at a bar. He may not have drunk, but chances are he did.

Would it be worth asking his brother to keep a sharp lookout while he's there for Easter?

So sorry this has all landed on you, no wonder you need a good cry.

knowthetriggers

Ugh Katchie, how frustrating for you! It frustrates me and I am not even involved.

The children's safety comes first. You are a very cleaver, bright woman, I know you will find away to be sure your kids are safe.

Tight, tight hugs to you!

Hawkeye13

I wouldn't show your hand, but maybe give him a breathalyzer before he takes the kids?

Just say that he has relapsed so many times and driven drunk you aren't willing to put faith in claims.

I'm so sorry Katchie--the fact you physically felt better not engaging him is pretty telling.
Your body knows better in this case.
Hugs

Yurt

I think that Hawkeye has an excellent idea. You might even be able to say that your attorney suggested it and deflect the pushback this might create. You might also need to consider what may happen if he is sober and takes the kids for Easter, and then winds up intoxicated and unable to return them. Will you be able to pick them up? Will his brother or another relative be able to bring them home for you?

cookiesncream

Somebody else here recently (can't remember the name of the thread, will try and track it down and post a link) had as part of their divorce settlement an item that included a mandate that their AH would not consume alcohol within x number of hours of any custody hand offs (visits with Dad). They had the right at any time to request a sobriety test. This gal wound up being suspicious, exercised her legal right, and he blew big time. That said I think as part of your legal separation (which I realize is still not there yet) a similar line item. I really thought that was a brilliant legal idea and frankly one I think makes a lot of sense to protect the kids. I would be very inclined to tell your husband that as his sobriety is so new that you are concerned for the safety of your children. I think you should contact your lawyer about your options on this right now.

I have a friend, also in recovery, whose friend got very angry with her and said she was calling the police if she didn't take a taxi home. I think you need to play hardball well it comes to drinking and driving with your kids.

Hangnbyathread

Sometimes I count by blessings in odd ways. It was far easier for to send my ex packing as we were not married and there are no kids involved. Looking at how hard it is to have kids to manage around this.......OMG I don't know how ya'll manage without trying to kill them. (them=AC).

I think they use the kids as control and leverage. But I am making that observation from an outside perspective. My hearts go out to ya'll.

Duckygirl1

I agree with the breathalyzer option. Don't reveal your link to his messages. I do hope you're printing and filing these. Especially ones with him saying he's going to a bar! Rehab does nothing for some people.

hopeful4

I have in my divorce decree the right to test him at any time. Usually don't have to, I can spot it far away. Like Yurt said, what would the plan be if he consumes while there? My kids are 9 and 15 and that does definitely help.

Katchie

I do not believe he will consume while there because he really hasn't before on such a short trip. Gotta keep up the appearances with the ignorant family! He's been doing it for years -- spend a few days and white knuckle all the way thru until he gets home.

hopeful4

It's good you don't have to worry about that then. My X does the same around his family thank goodness. I have told him I don't give two craps about what he does when my kids are not around, but when they are there, and 24 hours before, he better not be drinking or I will see him in court.

dandylion

Katchie....I just can't get over the irony of the name "Heaven" for the indulgence of a guy with such religious convictions.........

This stuff can hardly be made up!!

dandylion