"Doubly Blessed"
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Canada
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"Doubly Blessed"
At my most recent AA meeting I was speaking to a wonderful lady who opened up a little about her past. She also attends Al Anon meetings. She brought this up because I felt a little uncomfortable.
The ladies in the room had so many reasons to be there, and I felt like a fake, even though I truly don't know how to stop drinking. I went to my first AA meeting because I see the pattern, I know it well. My father drank 3 "40 ouncers" weekly, my uncle was very intensely verbally abusive and physically abusive to his kids. I remember my cousin being beaten with my uncle's belt in front of the extended family in his backyard, because she only brought him one beer instead of two... no one did anything - it was acceptable somehow. I followed my screaming cousin to her room and watched the blue welts raise on her legs. Everyone drank, the men more than the women, but the women too. It made for some very volatile Christmas Eves.
I have friends that descend into the nasty "red wine rant" because they can't find the "off" switch. They scare the hell out of me - Alcoholism terrifies me. Even though I know I am someone who caught it earlier than most, I recognize the pattern in myself. Yet, I have a huge aversion to alcoholics that are actively drunk. This is ridiculous because I have been actively drunk many weekends - and bingeing behaviour is not pretty. I usually stop on my own accord, but its getting to be more and more... Its so confusing.
My dad passed, and only after that did I start seeking therapy because I was terrified of being alcoholic but I craved escape and was drinking to excess so much that I craved it. I saw that I was truly an alcoholic but not ready to admit it outwardly yet. How can i reconcile being alcoholic with the fact that I have a huge aversion to it because of my past experiences?
I was shocked when the therapist had me do a "timeline" of my life and explain to me that mine was a childhood of neglect and emotional abandonment. I looked at her incredulously. My parents did the best they could with the tools they had... (that's a story for another post, they had a very difficult start - refugees from WWII) I felt guilty even acknowledging anything that could be construed as me not honouring my parents.
Anyways, there is so much emotional confusion. Does any of this make sense? Intellectually I can see it, but emotionally it feels like an abyss.
My new AA friend tells me I am doubly blessed because I could theoretically attend both meetings too.
Can anyone relate to this stuff? Sorry to be so long-winded.
The ladies in the room had so many reasons to be there, and I felt like a fake, even though I truly don't know how to stop drinking. I went to my first AA meeting because I see the pattern, I know it well. My father drank 3 "40 ouncers" weekly, my uncle was very intensely verbally abusive and physically abusive to his kids. I remember my cousin being beaten with my uncle's belt in front of the extended family in his backyard, because she only brought him one beer instead of two... no one did anything - it was acceptable somehow. I followed my screaming cousin to her room and watched the blue welts raise on her legs. Everyone drank, the men more than the women, but the women too. It made for some very volatile Christmas Eves.
I have friends that descend into the nasty "red wine rant" because they can't find the "off" switch. They scare the hell out of me - Alcoholism terrifies me. Even though I know I am someone who caught it earlier than most, I recognize the pattern in myself. Yet, I have a huge aversion to alcoholics that are actively drunk. This is ridiculous because I have been actively drunk many weekends - and bingeing behaviour is not pretty. I usually stop on my own accord, but its getting to be more and more... Its so confusing.
My dad passed, and only after that did I start seeking therapy because I was terrified of being alcoholic but I craved escape and was drinking to excess so much that I craved it. I saw that I was truly an alcoholic but not ready to admit it outwardly yet. How can i reconcile being alcoholic with the fact that I have a huge aversion to it because of my past experiences?
I was shocked when the therapist had me do a "timeline" of my life and explain to me that mine was a childhood of neglect and emotional abandonment. I looked at her incredulously. My parents did the best they could with the tools they had... (that's a story for another post, they had a very difficult start - refugees from WWII) I felt guilty even acknowledging anything that could be construed as me not honouring my parents.
Anyways, there is so much emotional confusion. Does any of this make sense? Intellectually I can see it, but emotionally it feels like an abyss.
My new AA friend tells me I am doubly blessed because I could theoretically attend both meetings too.
Can anyone relate to this stuff? Sorry to be so long-winded.
Alcoholism is and always will be a love hate relationship. The following reading says it far better than I ever could.
JANUARY 5
TOTAL ACCEPTANCE
He cannot picture life without alcohol Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it.
Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at The jumping-off place. He will wish for the end.
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 152
Only an alcoholic can understand the exact meaning of a statement like this one. The double standard that held me captive as an active alcoholic also filled me with terror and confusion: "If I don't get a drink I'm going to die," competed with "If I continue drinking it's going to kill me." Both compulsive thoughts pushed me ever closer to thebottom. That bottom produced a total acceptance of my alcoholism—with no reservations whatsoever—and one that was absolutely essential for my recovery. It was a dilemma unlike anything I had ever faced, but as I found out later on, a necessary one if I was to succeed in this program.
JANUARY 5
TOTAL ACCEPTANCE
He cannot picture life without alcohol Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it.
Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at The jumping-off place. He will wish for the end.
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 152
Only an alcoholic can understand the exact meaning of a statement like this one. The double standard that held me captive as an active alcoholic also filled me with terror and confusion: "If I don't get a drink I'm going to die," competed with "If I continue drinking it's going to kill me." Both compulsive thoughts pushed me ever closer to thebottom. That bottom produced a total acceptance of my alcoholism—with no reservations whatsoever—and one that was absolutely essential for my recovery. It was a dilemma unlike anything I had ever faced, but as I found out later on, a necessary one if I was to succeed in this program.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 50
Thanks for answering MIRec - I was so freaked out I posted all of that. I was actually looking for a way to delete it. I sound like a lunatic when I read my post back. I guess I am still working on step 1 in that way, but I have to put the other stuff to rest. Acceptance of the past, these people are gone now. This is the stuff that comes up every time I try to quit. I have to let it go.
I can't see the present because the past keeps barging in.
I can't see the present because the past keeps barging in.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Bullhead City, Arizona
Posts: 89
You don't sound like a lunatic to me. I feel sad that these things happened to you, but, to me, it sounds like you've made a really good start at working on the issues...
And, you've not being "long-winded..." :-) ... These stories take a while to tell.
This is a safe place to let it all out. Thank you for sharing.
I'm sitting here in a hospital bed with a pain pump and wondering how the hell I didn't end up an alcoholic or drug addict. I only take the pain meds when needed and don't see how anyone could derive pleasure from something that makes you so out of it. I understand the head games from having an alcoholic family. It doesn't make any sense and never will.
I'm sitting here in a hospital bed with a pain pump and wondering how the hell I didn't end up an alcoholic or drug addict. I only take the pain meds when needed and don't see how anyone could derive pleasure from something that makes you so out of it. I understand the head games from having an alcoholic family. It doesn't make any sense and never will.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Yep. I can relate. It's all a part of being an Adult Child of Alcoholics and other family dysfunction. I never had a healthy relationship with alcohol either. It was always a tool. Then it became a weapon of self destruction. I hit bottom and surrendered because I no longer wanted to die. But really looking at my family is where my healing started.
I understand you feeling that your parents did the best they could. Both of my parents have ugly backgrounds. It does not mean we have to just accept. It doesn't excuse abuse or neglect. Some people just should not ever have kids. But they do and we are the result.
You can heal from this. Life is beautiful. But, I am going to say it will be vital that you put down the alcohol for Good.
I understand you feeling that your parents did the best they could. Both of my parents have ugly backgrounds. It does not mean we have to just accept. It doesn't excuse abuse or neglect. Some people just should not ever have kids. But they do and we are the result.
You can heal from this. Life is beautiful. But, I am going to say it will be vital that you put down the alcohol for Good.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 50
I am convinced that I must put down the alcohol for good. If nothing else, it is confusing the hell out of me and making me feel crappy in so many ways. Have been free of it since March 16 - early days. I will get through this
Thanks so much for your responses
Thanks so much for your responses
If you aren't comfortable writing here, I would suggest a journal somewhere. It doesn't have to be published - just for you.
I have one in OneNote on my computer. It helps me organize my thoughts about the past and then understand what to do with them. I am able to sort through stuff and discard what I no longer need.
You probably feel like your post was disjointed because you haven't organized the narrative of your life - and it takes a lot of time to be able to do that! Each memory has to be put into perspective. Then there are always new things to assimilate. It's a lifelong project.
The other thing is that the past will at times intrude - most people cannot 100% dissociate from their past. So it is about giving those memories a resting place. Not letting them control your now. Understanding that our random brains will remember stuff at the oddest times.
Have you read the Emotional Memory thing? It's under "Anxiety Disorders" here on the forums, but it's good for all kinds of understanding.
It's pretty long, but worth it.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...anagement.html
I have one in OneNote on my computer. It helps me organize my thoughts about the past and then understand what to do with them. I am able to sort through stuff and discard what I no longer need.
You probably feel like your post was disjointed because you haven't organized the narrative of your life - and it takes a lot of time to be able to do that! Each memory has to be put into perspective. Then there are always new things to assimilate. It's a lifelong project.
The other thing is that the past will at times intrude - most people cannot 100% dissociate from their past. So it is about giving those memories a resting place. Not letting them control your now. Understanding that our random brains will remember stuff at the oddest times.
Have you read the Emotional Memory thing? It's under "Anxiety Disorders" here on the forums, but it's good for all kinds of understanding.
It's pretty long, but worth it.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...anagement.html
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Cambridgeshire, UK
Posts: 215
Absolutely I can relate! I attend AA, ACA or ACoA (as you like) and Al-Anon. There is not a CoDA meeting near me, but I've attended that too on occassion.
ACA and AA are where I feel most comfortable, they're my primary support groups.
On that note:
You may have seen this in the 'stickies' - the 14 traits of adult children of alcoholics known as 'The Laundry List'
Trait 4 (my emphasis)
We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
THere is also a chapter in the ACA fellowship text (Big Red Book) entitled
'It Will Never Happen to Me'... Within the first few paragraphs it speaks of the "Pledge" as per the chapter title and goes onto say "I will never be like my parents ...... I will not be alcoholic" ... "But we do" i.e. become like our parents.
Yes, identify I do indeed and I suspect you'll find you're not alone. In that context discovering the adult child syndrome and the fellowship of ACA was perhaps the first time my life that my chronic sense of feeling alone loosened.
Very grateful I am to ACA and very grateful to AA too because without the latter I'd not have found the former.
ACA and AA are where I feel most comfortable, they're my primary support groups.
On that note:
You may have seen this in the 'stickies' - the 14 traits of adult children of alcoholics known as 'The Laundry List'
Trait 4 (my emphasis)
We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
THere is also a chapter in the ACA fellowship text (Big Red Book) entitled
'It Will Never Happen to Me'... Within the first few paragraphs it speaks of the "Pledge" as per the chapter title and goes onto say "I will never be like my parents ...... I will not be alcoholic" ... "But we do" i.e. become like our parents.
Yes, identify I do indeed and I suspect you'll find you're not alone. In that context discovering the adult child syndrome and the fellowship of ACA was perhaps the first time my life that my chronic sense of feeling alone loosened.
Very grateful I am to ACA and very grateful to AA too because without the latter I'd not have found the former.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Cambridgeshire, UK
Posts: 215
Thanks for answering MIRec - I was so freaked out I posted all of that. I was actually looking for a way to delete it. I sound like a lunatic when I read my post back. I guess I am still working on step 1 in that way, but I have to put the other stuff to rest. Acceptance of the past, these people are gone now. This is the stuff that comes up every time I try to quit. I have to let it go.
I can't see the present because the past keeps barging in.
I can't see the present because the past keeps barging in.
Extract from the ACA website 'ACA is' (my emphasis BTW)....
"We discover how alcoholism and other family dysfunction affected us in the past and how it influences us in the present"
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 50
I just went to the ACoA website and read the "Laundry List" - OMG my jaw dropped. I had never seen it before, but it describes me so well. Too well. What do I do about it? Can I change myself for the better?
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Cambridgeshire, UK
Posts: 215
What I did with that discovery....
There was no ACA meeting near me when I was introduced to the laundry list, so first I bought a copy of the Big Red Book (the fellowship text) and a copy of the Yellow book (steps workbook). I found and spoke to others in other fellowships that I thought might relate.
At the same time, the gentleman (who I call my mentor) who introduced the concept of adult child and the fellowship of ACA to me encouraged me to start a meeting locally...
by a curious twist of fate I was introduced to someone by two people (one in AA and one in Al-ANon - neither of these two people knew ecah other and the intriduction was for two different purposes). The person I was introduced to was not only ALSO interested in starting a meeting but had attended meetings 20 years ago. So with encouragement and with others willing to attend, I started a meeting.
Note: I share that info because it is our local meeting 'birthday' today.
Of course, during that time I shared with others on the subject both on line and in the real world. I shared the info with my AA sponsor and a good number of months later down the line he joined the ACA fellowship too in a kind of role reversal.
Now, what I'm doing is continuing to go to ACA meetings AND I'm doing the steps of that program having already done the steps in AA.
Hi Rosalia... we are all a bunch of cracked eggs here. with problems and fears and meds pills drugs drinking and the like.. so hold them tight.. keep coming back and keep reading.. there is a blog place on your page.. write get it out of your mind and off your heart for the Truth is a freeing agent. you just have to find it... and sweetheart prayers and so much love from so many of us.. ardy...
Somewhere over the Rainbow - Israel "IZ" Kamakawiwoʻole
Somewhere over the Rainbow - Israel "IZ" Kamakawiwoʻole
I had heard often the advice to write it out and tried to with no success over the years. But using the blog feature here has been amazing. It has helped more than anything for me. I don't even have the comments enabled, I just need a place to store my thoughts. If you haven't given it a try you might want to.
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